10 years and no proposal!

I'm joining in late on this one, but I have to agree with BunnyLove on this one. I don't want to discourage you, and every couple is different, but here are a few stories from my own life...

Story #1: my uncle was 21 when he married a woman who immediately started cheating on him, and he divorced her a year later. He met a wonderful woman a few years later, and they dated for 7 or 8 years... she pressed for marriage and said she wanted kids... he said he wasn't ready for marriage again... she gave him an ultimatum, marry or split up. They split up. A year later, with his permission, his best friend asked her out. My uncle was dating someone new by then. Uncle married the new girl, his best friend married my uncle's ex, and they both have been married now over 20 years each! My uncle's reservations about marriage evaporated when he met my aunt.

Story #2: my cousin always fancied himself a perpetual bachelor. he dated a lot, and had some LTRs, but finally met one girl he couldn't shake. They fought, broke up, got back together... for awhile they were still living together while broken up, because she couldn't afford to move out. His career skyrocketed, he dated a lot again, but the one girl, a pre-school teacher, hung around and was his rock. They reunited and after a total of 12 years, mostly together. He proposed when he turned 42. At their wedding, he acknowledged publicly what we all talked about - that she'd put up with so much sh*t for 12 years, she was a saint and he adored her. They have a kid, and have been married now 8 years.

Story #3: my FH's best friend has always been anti-marriage, mainly because his parents' marriage is a total disaster... they aren't in love anymore, but for religious reasons won't divorce; they don't have s*x anymore, and his mother is openly cruel to her husband... it poisoned FH's best friend against the whole idea. Also, he was a geek in school, and as a good-looking, kind, smart adult, he was shocked to find women actually were attracted to him - so all in all, he didn't see a reason to 'settle down'... he felt like it would be a death sentence to happiness, and said he didn't believe that men were made to be monogamous. Then, one day he met a girl... a really different girl than any he'd dated. And seven months later, he just today stood in my living room, talking nonchalantly about the fact he was relieved they would not have to elope because her parents just told them they had set aside money for her wedding! They are not even engaged yet! I almost fell out of my chair... it was like we were talking about what they ate for dinner last night!

Story #4: I was 36 when I met my FH. I did NOT think I would get married - ever. I actually had realized that I didn't *want* to get married... I did not feel the need to have the legal paper to demonstrate our commitment, and I resented the pressure single women feel to get married... there is a weird situation evolving today where I see a lot of women prefer to be divorced than never married, feeling the rite of marriage somehow still bestows a certain status on them, where being single is seen as a 'failure' to 'seal the deal', or to not be good enough to get a man to commit. I do not celebrate Valentine's day now that I'm coupled, because I hated it as a singleton, and I have never had a picture in my head of my wedding, to the point that it's been difficult for my sister in law and best friend to figure out what to do about their dresses, flowers, shoes, etc. because frankly, i really don't care! So how did I end up here on the WW?

Because my FH and I both have chronic health issues, and at a certain point in 2012, I was hospitalized several times, and then we went to Mongolia in 2013, and it infuriated me that if I was ill, the hospital would call my FATHER to get "permission" to treat me, instead of FH! That is BS! We wanted to be able to legally take care of each other - bottom line. And that, ultimately, drove us to decide to marry... we realized that we WANTED that legal paper - we wanted it for the protections that it affords each other as a couple. And it allowed me to put FH on my insurance, when he graduated from college and lost his student insurance. We did it for each other. We eloped, the two of us in a garden with a minister, got the paper filed, and told everyone we got engaged. We are now planning a big-a** 'family reunion' style party and small church wedding for immediate family only, to tie it all together. And now, doing it as a choice, is wonderful and fun and beautiful. But... I still resent the idea that any woman feels a *need* to be married to validate a relationship.

So here's the bottom line: Why do you WANT to marry?

We decided to marry because we were worried about taking care of each other, given our health histories, and because financially it made more sense to us. We did NOT do it because all our friends were married... that's the only thing that worries me about your story - that seeing all your friends marry is what really amped up your feelings.

You do need a serious discussion with him. You may be surprised at what he says...

My FH did initially tell me he wanted to hold off on the engagement until he could save up for a ring... but then admitted he was literally terrified of the idea of a formal wedding and reception - he's got a social anxiety type disorder. When I offered a compromise: parents, sibs, and best friends ONLY at the church; BBQ "party" in lieu of reception, he agreed. That is what we are planning today.

None of us here can really answer the question "why" he's avoiding marriage, but you need to be prepared that the answer could be really simple - he's got anxiety about the event, but wants you to have a proper wedding because he knows it will make you happy (most similar to my situation), or, that he can't commit to you because he's not really sure you are 'the one'... something he may not even know himself (similar to my uncle, and my FH's BFF).

I keep recommending this workbook, that our minister required us to do before he'd marry us: The Marriage Journey, $13 on Amazon.com. Perhaps this is an option for you two... the book is designed to help a couple prepare for marriage, and to force conversations on a lot of things that can tear couples apart.

A couple, both divorced with kid(s), met & fell in love. Moved in together and finished raising their kids together. She pushed for engagement. He bought her a ring. A few years later, she pushed for a wedding date. He bought her a bigger ring. This happened a few more times -- she'd push and he'd buy a bigger ring. FINALLY, on the 16th anniversary of their first date -- I married them!

It is possible (in fact, probable), that he does not view it with the same level of importance that you do.

I know one woman I work with was wanting a marriage proposal, I asked her other half about it one day, and he just had no interest in a wedding. None. He considered them married without the paperwork, he had made the commitment in his mind, he didn't think a celebration was necessary. Anyway, this went on for about a year of her actively being annoyed by it, and he finally gave in and agreed to have the big wedding.

Whereas we are getting married for the super romantic reason of visas. Otherwise neither of us really felt that *need* to marry, despite being together for 5years. It just wasn't a priority of either of us. Fiance only agreed to get married after I pointed out the alternative to not! (ie, greater difficulties with visas).

Its never too late to hold out for happiness. An open and honest discussion is the adult way to handle things. My advice is to avoid giving him an ultimatum.

Full disclosure: Fh and I have the same story. I was 21, he was 20. We were too young to have marriage on the table then. We started living together after a year and have done so ever since. I was ready for marriage at about 26, he wasnt. Our living situation and financial status were terrible around that time and didnt get better until about 3 years ago. We had talked about marriage and as anniversaries came and went, i decided that it probably wasnt going to happen for us. I loved him then (and still do now) and figured it was okay if we didnt ever get married. He would say, "Im going to marry you someday." Someday was 10 years after i first met him. He proposed on our 10th anniversary and I NEVER saw it coming.

Take a deep breath. You got this.

If you have reached that point where you would rather leave him than be unmarried, then I fully believe you should start packing. Marriage as an ultimatum just doesn't work and both people end up unhappy. If you truly think that his intentions are good then sit him down and get a specific answer out of him. Is there something he wants to accomplish first? Is he scared/anxious? Is he worried about money? Ask him how he thinks marriage will change your relationship now? You may still have to do a lot of compromising if that's what you really want.

My DH and I got together in 2004 and just got married July 2014. He actually said he would never get married again. I made the decision to make a family with him anyway. I wasn't looking at that as a goal. I just enjoyed our relationship for what it was and he ended up bringing up marriage (6 years later!).

Why not propose to him? That's what I did.

We were together 11 years and had lived together for 7, he was just set in his ways. I really wanted to get married and he wasn't getting the hints. Sometimes men just need to be told what you want, outright. They aren't emotional beings like women, just tell him that you would like to be married. You do though, have to be prepared for him to say no, and be prepared to live with how that might change the dynamic of the relationship. You don't want to end up resenting him if he doesn't want what you do.

I bought rings, made an exploding box scrap book and wrote a poem asking him to marry me.

The box inside held our rings.

He said yes, and that was 2 1/2 years ago. We're getting married in 11 days!

I applaud you, Angela. That was awesome!

Holy crap @angela. That is pretty spiffy!

My dad and stepmom were together for 24 years before they got married. If that doesn't win some kind of award, I don't know what will.

All you can do is have an open discussion about it at this point. You're both in different places, but as Bunny Love mentioned, he's in the relationship he wants, but you are sort of falling behind in getting what you want.

Don't make this conversation a big deal. Casually bring it up in a casual setting, and be sure that you know what questions to ask beforehand, and don't let him try to steer the conversation. Ask him his feelings, but it sounds like there's some stuff that you need to get off your chest with him. You have the right to that time as he is your significant other and father of your kids.

Just playing devil's advocate here, but isn't a proposal really an ultimatum? If when your FS proposed you had said no, do you think you'd still be together? I'm not saying Jennifer should give her bf an ultimatum outright, but it's just kind of interesting that really that's how most engagements begin.

I wish you luck in your conversation! My FH and I were not together nearly as long, but I had to wait for him to be ready. He felt that marriage ruined relationships. His favorite quote "you're betting someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever".

I told him I was ready, understood that he wasn't, but to please start thinking about it because I wanted a marriage. It took him almost a year, but when he finally asked, I knew it was because he was ready.

It's been 9yrs since you've opened up this topic; may I know what was decided between you and your partner? I'm in a similar situation minus having kids, but we share a house, 2 cars, 3 dogs, and 9yrs together (10yrs of knowing each other), and he still won't commit. I'm at the point of just selling everything and splitting up.

View Quoted Comment I can relate