A-hole dad and wedding traditions?

My biggest piece of advice is to set boundaries with everyone involved here. If you don’t wish to have a relationship with your father, don’t invite him. If that means that his side of the family throws a tantrum and doesn’t come, that’s on them not you. You do not have to put up with his behavior just because others tell you to or aren’t willing to admit that your feelings/experiences are valid. If you do decide to invite him, invite him as an ordinary guest, not as the father of one of the people getting married. He can sit with other guests and he can wear what he likes, but not matching the groomsmen.

You can sit him at another table with other guests. And give a list of names to your day of coordinator or DJ as to who will be making speeches. You can also let them know not to accommodate any of your father’s request. You can also make it know to your father that he has little or no role at your wedding.
As to whether or not to invite him will be solely your call. Would you have any regrets later if you didn’t ? I’m not super close to my parents but I knew it would be awkward and empty if they were not at my wedding.

In my humble opinion, you will create unnecessary tension on what is to be YOUR day if you invite the man. You don't have - and don't want to have - a relationship with him so don't invite him! There's a difference between "not being super close" and not wanting to be around an ass-hole! 😉 If those family members that support and enable his selfish behavior don't want to attend your wedding (if he isn't invited) , their loss ..... and more cake for you 😊

You don't have to invite him. It's your wedding and you need to set boundaries about what you want. If that side of the family chooses to not show up, that's on them. I don't have a good relationship with my dad either ,similar reason, and therefore he will not be getting an invite to my wedding. Focus on the people who want to be there and support you and your spouse to be. I wish you the best as I know it's hard

It sounds like your relationship with your dad has some similarities to mine. I started to cut him out of my life at 15 and he worked down his side of the family so they cut me out in return around the time I was 18. It hurt, a lot. However, not having him in my life was the best decision I could make for myself, personally. His side of the family was free to make their own decisions too, and if that meant choosing my dad over me, that's on their conscious. Since I cut him out at a young age I've had a decent amount of time to process it, it's definitely not a one and done event, it takes time. He also threw quite the tantrum about my college graduation, he wasn't invited since I started to cut off contact with him in high school but he still expected to be invited for whatever reason. I think if he knew I was getting married he would have yet another tantrum and want to come and act like we are a happy family which I am unwilling to do. To me, throwing a tantrum does not show that he wants to actually be there to support me, he wants to be there because he feels entitled to the experience that I have achieved for myself.


It sounds like your dad causes you a lot of stress, you do not deserve that any day, and especially not on your wedding day. I hope his side of the family can respect your boundaries and support you on your special day. If they take his side and don't attend, it may be painful but they are the ones that need to live with that decision. A wedding day is supposed to be about love and creating a union with your person, not appeasing your family by following outdated traditions. Ultimately, the decision to invite him or not is up to you but I would advise thinking about what will make you the most happy.
When I got engaged I found and saved this below quote, it's helped me a lot through the process. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you will get through it! Just focus on what is best for you, not what your family thinks needs to be done to keep the "peace." Also, sorry this is so long 😂

You are allowed to have boundaries and limits. However, his family will likely always side with him, which can make you feel unheard. If you do invite him, he does not have to walk you down the aisle or make speeches. You could tell the DJ that if he does get up to cut the mic while he is escorted back to his seat. If all of this isn’t worth it to, then don’t invite him!


I hope your day goes well despite your dad.

I am so, so sorry to hear about your situation. It makes me so mad that your FH's family is so blind in that regard.

Consider having a private conversation with your families if you haven't already. I am gearing up to tell my family about some of the stuff my mom has done before the wedding so that if they want to come and if they see her, this will not be a topic of discussion. Be prepared for some people to not come because of your decision, and others who will. It won't hurt any less, but you will know where you stand.

Maybe it is worth reaching out to a relative that is more neutral, or supportive of your decision and explain to them what your reasoning is. They may be oblivious to what your Dad has done, and can help some of the other family members join your side.

DO NOT let this man walk you down the aisle: He does NOT deserve it. You can play it off as wanting to be the "surprise" to everyone and just leave it at that. I would not invite him if I were in your shoes. Just focus on your wedding, and throwing the best party ever. Your FH's family may whine, but they are mostly there for their son. As long as you are a "respectable" wife by their traditional standards, they may eventually let go of the idea that you didn't invite your Dad.

If you are able to hire event security- do so just to keep him out, and also kick anyone out if they throw a stink fit. Keep the DJ in the loop if in case you have to temporarily stop the party, and then ask guests to continue. Chances are the DJ has seen some family blowouts.


I am facing a similar situation:

I am looking into event security for my own wedding since my mom will be there, but was the cause of abuse growing up, is an insufferable narcissist at times, and has been poison to the family dynamic. She is unpredictable, so I don't know if she will "behave" or not on that day. I have already made it clear to my vendors, bad behavior from her, or any opinions from her are not to be followed or tolerated. She will only be a mere sidelines watcher. She has had no say in what dress I bought, venue, food, etc. She had ample time to rebuild our relationship and she did not- those are the consequences.

I will talk to one of my uncles about how to handle the situation, and also giving our guests a head's up if she gets out of hand.