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Jenna
September 2019

a white lie?

Jenna, on September 16, 2024 at 8:36 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 6
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Hi brides and hopefully some grooms? I got engaged August 22nd, 2023 and just yesterday we finally agreed on a wedding plan we both loved. This plan is contingent on help from my very well to do dad paying for our venue. I had lunch with him today, and he quickly and happily agreed to the number I proposed. However, when I showed him the numbers - it included a fabricated amount that I said my mom was paying. In reality… what my dad would be paying is 3x what my mom is. He is under the impression she’s paying half, and he’s paying the other half. My mom cannot afford to help much at all. My parents went through a horrible divorce, they haven’t been in the same room for 10 years. When I told my FH tonight that my dad is under the impression my mom is paying close to what he is, he said absolutely not. He will not start our marriage off on a lie to my dad. My dad will only pay for half of my mom pays for half. Am I in the wrong? Should I tell my dad that my mom can only afford to help a small amount and risk him pulling out of helping us?

6 Comments

Latest activity by Lisa, on September 19, 2024 at 11:23 AM
  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Honestly, I don’t think it’s any of your father’s business how much your mother is contributing. Nor do I think the amount he contributes should in any way be in direct correlation with how much your mother is contributing. Both parties should offer whatever amount they feel comfortable with, and there should be no mention of what the other is giving. The only wrongdoing here was you fabricating a number your mother is paying. There was really no reason to do that. At this point, you need to work out with your spouse how to move forward. If your significant other is extremely uncomfortable with the lie that was told, there is a good chance you are going to need to come clean about it. Or, at the very least, go to your father and say things have changed, and Mom is no longer able to contribute as much. I would hope his contribution was made out of the goodness of his heart for his daughter, and not trying to go to “tit for tat” with his ex-wife.
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  • Andrea
    Rockstar January 2024
    Andrea ·
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    I agree with your fiance that you shouldn’t be lying to your dad. You should’ve just left your mom’s contribution off and said “This is the total cost, and this is what we’re hoping you’ll contribute.”


    At this point, I think you have to let your dad know, “After talking to Mom, she isn’t able to cover the amount we discussed and she’ll be putting in a smaller amount. I hope you’re still willing to put in the amount discussed.” You still don’t need to say exactly how much Mom is contributing, as it’s none of his business, but having told him the wrong amount, you have to correct that.
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  • LM
    Super December 2022
    LM ·
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    I suggest removing yourself from your parents' games and save up for your own wedding if the above honesty does not work with them. No one owes you a wedding and couples are responsible to themselves. Next, look to your partner to learn New ways of living and loving. Financial transparency though it takes time will benefit you both in your marriage. Best wishes breaking old cycles.
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  • SandyZV
    Dedicated June 2023
    SandyZV ·
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    I can't understand why you knowingly wrote down wrong numbers and knowingly gave them to your dad when you know you are lying to him. So, basically you are fine with lying to your loved ones so they can pay for a unnecessary party for you?

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  • Heather
    Dedicated October 2024
    Heather ·
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    Just to be clear: that's not a white lie, that's a manipulative, exploitative lie.

    Glad to help.

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  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    I would come clean about the lie. If you phrase it as, "Mom is no longer able to contribute the amount I previously said" as a way of getting out of the lie, your dad would be under the impression that your mom promised you money and then backed out of most of it, and it may unintentionally make your mom look like she's the bad person in the situation. You could instead phrase it as something along the lines of, "There was a miscommunication on my end about the amount that Mom is intending to contribute, and it is less than what I had told you before. Are you still planning to contribute [amount]?" I agree with Andrea that your dad doesn't need to know what amount your mom plans to contribute.

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