Advice needed: was i wrong to meddle in upcoming family wedding? World War 3 has broken out

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Agree. Yes you were wrong. Let them figure out their own dynamics.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. I think posters are being too harsh on you. However, I don't think you should have approached Sasha and told her to extend an olive branch.


For your own sanity, going forward I'd stay out of it.

Yeah I hate to say it, but it really is none of your business. In a way, it seems like you almost enjoy the fact that you’re welcomed in the family and this other girl isn’t (hopefully this isn’t true, but it definitely seems this way). Being someone Diane can vent to is one thing, but meddling is definitely wrong.

Reading your post, it’s apparent that you don’t have any idea that your actions were wrong. If you still feel this way - don’t continue reading this.


Since you asked for advice - this is what I would suggest. Go to the store and buy 3 “I’m sorry” cards. Address the first one to “Sasha”... “Dear Sasha, I need to apologize for my actions that resulted in the recent argument between you and “Diane.” You have asked me in the past to stay out of you relationship and I instead then shared information with her. It was inappropriate on my part, I had no right to do so and am sincerely sorry for my interference. “
“Dear “Christian”.... I need to apologize to you for my actions that resulted in the recent argument you, Sasha and Diane found yourselves in. I was both wrong to read the email that you sent to your brother, and wrong to share the contents with your mother. It was not my place and I know it was wrong. Please know that I did this without (boyfriend’s name) knowledge. I recognize that in doing so, you might be questioning if you can trust your brother. So again, this was not his doing - it was mine alone. I am sincerely sorry for overstepping and interfering.”
“Dear Diane, I understand now that I made a mistake sharing the email that Christian sent to (boyfriend) and any other actions I have taken which has contributed to ill feelings between you, Sasha and Christian. It is not my place to put myself in the middle of (boyfriend)’s family affairs. I am sincerely sorry and look forward to seeing you soon.”
Acknowledge your wrongdoing and absolutely DO NOT try to justify your actions with these people. What you were thinking, what you were trying to do etc.... should not make it into your apologies. You f’d up. Acknowledge it. Don’t argue it. Just put pen to paper and apologize. Do not expect a response from Christian or Sasha, and that’s ok. If Diane tries to tell you that you have nothing to apologize for - respectfully disagree. If you are still around by the time they get married and you find yourself not invited to the wedding - for your boyfriend’s sake, respect the couple’s decision and encourage your boyfriend to attend.
Frankly, you are just. a. girlfriend. and you are f’ng up someone else’s family. You are exhibiting the “cruel behavior” you claim to not accept. Good luck.

I called Sasha to apologize. She immediately told me, after calling a *itch, that I had ruined everything, that I had no right to do what I did. She said I must be happy now that Diane and her husband (Christian and my boyfriend's dad) are threatening to boycott the wedding because Diane and Christian's family are not being including in any prewedding events and Diane finding out about the girls trip and wedding shower is the last straw.

Sasha said that it must be nice to be the "Golden Girl"-she says that is what Diane calls me and to be accepted by Diane and the whole family and that was not her experience. Sasha says from day one, Diane and the family excluded her and were not welcoming and Sasha says it hurt and offended her and her family to see me so accepted and welcomed when I was nothing special. It wasn't fair to see me getting invited on vacations and hear about me being fussed over at holidays and being given secret family recipes, when that was not extnded to her and she has been with Christian for 3 years and I have barely been dating my boyfriend.

Sasha said I was just a girlfriend, that I had no ring on my finger and may never have it. She also said that I was not invited to the wedding and would not be welcome at the house she shares with Christian. And then she hung up.

I get Sasha was upset, but I feel her remarks were cruel. I have no control over being warmly welcomed by Diane and the family. That is not my fault or something I will feel guilty for. I did not conduct myself in any special way to be accepted. Sasha is obviously jealous, which is an ugly trait and I will not be made to feel ashamed.

Wow. You just do not get it.

View Quoted Comment This is literally what everyone has been saying to you. YOU ARE WRONG.
You are just the girlfriend.
You have ruined a lot. You meddled where you had no place. You isolated her and pitted her future in laws against her. You read your bfs private emails. YOU ARE SO WRONG.

I did no such thing. Obviously, the family didn't like her from the start and Sasha even said this. That is not my fault.

Regardless of whether they liked her to begin with or not, you were in the wrong. Frankly, I feel like Sasha's remarks were remarkably restrained. You stuck your nose where it didn't belong and now you're paying the price. Honestly, I'm surprised your boyfriend hasn't had a discussion with you about minding your business - particularly when it comes to his family. You shouldn't have been looking at his emails. You shouldn't have shared with Diane. You shouldn't have said anything to Sasha.

View Quoted Comment You think jealousy is an ugly trait but I think meddling and instigating fights about something that’s none of your business is an ugly trait.

I fully understand why Sasha feels as she does and I get why I was disinvited. What I don't get and this is what I asked Sasha why she hasn't worked harder to make inroads with Diane and the family. You marry the family, not just the man.

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Other people's relationships and dynamics are none of your business. Worry about yourself

View Quoted Comment This remains absolutely none of your business. You remain only a girlfriend, while she is marrying into the family. Not only is it none of your business, it’s really not even hers so much as between the brothers. Butt out or continue ruining this family.

View Quoted Comment Actually, no. You don’t marry the family. I married my husband. I didn’t marry his toxic aunts who hold everything over his head to get him to attend family events. Together, in counseling, we learned to establish boundaries with family members who have behaved aggressively/toxic toward us as individuals and as a couple. Healthy adult relationships are between two people.

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So many aren't even able to do that. Good that you can take that step.

View Quoted Comment It definitely wasn’t easy. It took a lot of arguing followed by a lot of couples counseling, but setting those boundaries has made our relationship so much better so I’m definitely grateful we worked hard to do it.

View Quoted Comment You don't even know what caused the original rift. Why do you think you're entitled to this information?

You're right, I don't know the reason for the rift, but I don't understand why Sasha has never made any effort with her fiance's family. Everyone in the family has an issue with this girl. I don't think that would be the case if she was in the clear.

I really wanted to be on your side, but I think you are in the wrong. Your intensions may have been extremely pure, but I think you totally stirred the pot with this. I also want to point out, you shouldn't haven even taken it upon yourself to snoop through your boyfriends emails to begin with. To snoop, and then gossip about what you saw, was totally out of line.

The family seems to have enough drama with their soon-to-be daughter to sort out, and I think you just added fuel to the fire. My fiancé would have been completely mortified for so many reasons with this situation.

I will say, I think you do marry someones family. Peace with your in-laws should be something you should strive for, and there's clearly not that with this couple and his family. But that is for them to sort through and figure out. I think you may have been trying to help, but you put a larger strain on the situation - and potentially a strain on your character to you boyfriend or his family, honestly.

View Quoted Comment Why Sasha has never made an effort with the family is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. You also don't know that, you're making assumptions.


You're acting like a nosy, entitled matriarch when you're just a girlfriend who's been with your boyfriend for half the time Sasha has been with her soon to be husband.
You're adding to pre existing drama and toxicity.