Advice needed: was i wrong to meddle in upcoming family wedding? World War 3 has broken out

I do know that Sasha has never made an effort. I was told that by Diane, my boyfriend and my boyfriend's dad and his grandparents.

View Quoted Comment Yes you were. That’s clearly your intent and it’s evident and it pours out in the way it reads whether you realize it or not. Clearly the dozens of posts here that also read this the same as I do should be a definite hint for you. I’m sure he will put a ring on your finger soon enough. But when you come in here playing it off as if you had good intentions to Internet strangers, you’re really not fooling anyone. And you will in fact get honest answers.

View Quoted Comment You were trying to keep your “safe zone” And pretend to be your boyfriends family’s favorite. This pours out as being insecure and if you were really that much of a favorite then I’m sure your boyfriend will put a ring on your finger soon enough. Cut the crap. You’re hurting Sasha’s life and damaging her reputation further by your nonsense. Don’t feed fuel to the fire.

And not to mention!!!! Just the fact that you felt the need to snoop around in your boyfriends email throws up major red flags about you! What if Sasha relayed this message to Diane about you?! How is Diane feel about you at that point? How would your boyfriends entire family feel about YOU At that point if Sasha went around and told them how you have to snoop around in his email because you don’t trust him??


There seems to be definite issues here and it’s definitely not with Sacha. How was your relationship going with your boyfriend? Are you trying to hold onto something because you feel like you’re losing something else? Maybe you’re trying to hold onto that close relationship with his family because you made me feel like you’re losing him. That’s usually what happens when people feel the need to ‘snoop around’. Once you get into a relationship where a guy proposes to you, if it’s right, you will realize that you don’t have to do any snooping around and you both will probably have full on access to each other‘s accounts etc. just out of living through life every day with each other. Paying bills, going through the motions, doing favors for each other and sending messages to a friend about running late etc. I think you need to do some soul-searching

View Quoted Comment EXACTLY THIS!!!! Imagine if Sasha** went to Diane and the rest of the family and told them how Ava was snooping around in boyfriends email! How do you think the family would react to Ava violating her boyfriends privacy? In my opinion this throws up major red flags about Ava. It seems as though she’s almost very insecure about her own relationship and she feels like she’s losing some thing at this point so she has to cling onto the family to make it seem like she is the rockstar when her boyfriend hasn’t even proposed to her. Or at least that’s how it reads imo

View Quoted Comment You don’t get it and your boyfriend hasn’t proposed to you and probably never well. You’re majorly insecure about this and it’s evident by even these few sentences. Do you feel like your relationship with him is about to end? Maybe he’s just not that into you. It seems like you’re ripping with jealousy aboutSasha ACTUALLY being a part of the family and you’re ACTUALLY not because your boyfriend ACTUALLY doesn’t want you to be yet. That is the reality. Until you can except it and admit your fault you will continue to fail

"I do know that Sasha has never made an effort. I was told that by Diane, my boyfriend and my boyfriend's dad and his grandparents."

This is the problem. You believe them ****% and hold her at fault for things that you know absolutely nothing about. You've been on the scene for 18months, her for 3yrs. That's 18months of history you missed out on.

I'd bet my bottom dollar these people are not being truthful about how they've treated Sasha in the past.

View Quoted Comment I was going to say this exact same thing. Your taking the word of all these people who hate her as gospel when there was over a year before you met your boyfriend where she could have been putting in effort.

View Quoted Comment

Of course I am going to take my boyfriend's word for it. He gains nothing by not telling the truth about Sasha. Makes no sense to lie. Why would his grandparents lie? What is their reason for so doing?

View Quoted Comment Here’s what I’m imagining the story is: Diane is toxic and some sort of event happened between her and Sasha before you entered the picture. You and Diane click however, likely because you share similar personality types. You are blind to both of your flaws due to this.

Diane is not toxic in the least. You don't know her and I do. We actually are opposites. I am introvert and Diane is extremely shy.

You say that you're not trying to gain the favor of Diane, but what else do you have to gain by continuing to perpetuate the hatred between these two women? Like seriously you're only setting yourself up for some really awkward family gatherings in the future, especially if you wind up marrying your BF.

View Quoted Comment

This.

Their motivation to sugar-coat their part in the relationship with Sasha is that they now have you as their new shiny toy to dig up dirt and gang up on her even more. And what about Christian? Who by all accounts seems perfectly happy with her so theyʻre even willing to alienate their son/grandson solely based on their hatred of this woman and that is a HUGE red flag. Send the apology cards as mentioned before, and step away from all of this immediately. Itʻs nothing but a surefire way to never be involved in your *hopefully* future in-lawsʻ lives (including your bf in his brotherʻs life!), and if they have kids, there goes your relationship with your future nieces/nephews. Please please see this before irreparable damage is done if itʻs not already.

View Quoted Comment I’m not close to my FHs mom. We don’t go shopping or hang out without FH. In the early stages of our relationship FH told me that when I would leave FMIL would gripe about me not liking her. I don’t like most of FHs family to be entirely honest. Their efforts to be funny are just cruel most of the time.
I’m involving my FMIL simply because it’s the right thing to do in my situation, but if Sasha doesn’t feel welcomed by her FHs family she’s entitled to leave them out of the planning process and not involve them in pre wedding activities.

Your attitude is poor, and none of this is your business. It was between Christian and his mom to resolve, not yours to throw fuel on the fire.
Make no mistake, whether you intended it or not that’s all you’ve managed to do. Any hope of Sasha and Diane fixing their issues is pretty much gone because you’ve ruined the relationship. No one forgets their MIL cussing them out in the lead up to their wedding.

View Quoted Comment

"There are two sides to every story."

I'm sure if you asked my in-laws, they would say I am cold, unfriendly, and have made no efforts to be "part of the family." They would mention how I never go to their holiday dinners and don't talk to any of them.

But if you asked me, I would point out the nasty, seven-page letter my GMIL wrote to me, calling me "petty and selfish" because I called her son/my FIL out for stealing $23 out of my wallet. I would mention how we were disinvited to all holiday dinners once they found out I was an atheist - and even though they have retracted that disinvite, I will not humor them out of principle. I would recall how, for years, my SIL, MIL, and GMIL would gossip about me and tell each other anything and everything I said, so I no longer talk to them.

Technically, my in-laws aren't lying. I am cold, unfriendly, don't go to their holiday dinners, and don't talk to any of them. I look like a terrible DIL if that's the point of view you're offered. But that's only one side of the story. It looks a lot different when you ask for my side.

But the very bottom line is: it's none of your business. Why Sasha doesn't have a good relationship with her to-be in-laws was NEVER your business.

The very last sentence in your post is "was I wrong?" The answer here was a resounding YES. The fact that you refuse to accept any responsibility, despite multiple people explaining to you exactly why you were wrong, doesn't sit well with me. I think you came here expecting a bunch of Internet strangers to rally behind you and tell you that Sasha is clearly an evil, cruel woman and you are an angelic peacemaker just trying to make everyone get along.

You are trying to frame it as if you did this out of the goodness of your heart, because you're a "good" person who "doesn't approve of ~cruel~ behavior." And some people here have bought that story. But I don't. I think you are manipulative and jealous. The way you worded every single sentence of your original post - like how Sasha is "extremely close" to her own family (yeah, so?) or how you are treated warmly and invited on family vacations (so obviously the problem must be Sasha) - was trying to manipulate anyone reading it to be against Sasha. It is so transparent it's laughable.

You are cruel because you did what you did knowing it would cause a confrontation between Diane and Sasha. I don't care what mental gymnastics you perform to justify it ("it isn't right!" "she should stand up for herself!") you did it, on purpose, knowing this would happen.
You are cruel because you had absolutely no regard as to what this might do to Diane's relationship with Christian. You expected this would fall entirely on Sasha, but Christian is clearly going along with her wishes - what kind of strain is that going to put between mother and son? Do you care? Did that matter at all to you?
You are cruel because you blatantly disregarded your boyfriend in all of this. He told you to leave it alone. He told you to stay out of it. He told you that it was for the best because they don't get along. You bulldozed him like you knew better, about his own family.
You are cruel because you now think that you should be able to just send some apology cards and say you're sorry and everyone should forgive you, and if they don't, they're "cruel".

Also, you are clearly not actually sorry, so you really don't deserve forgiveness. You are not sorry that you snooped, you are not sorry that you hurt Diane with your gossip, you are not sorry that it caused Diane to lash out at Sasha, you are not sorry that this caused tension in a family you are not even part of, you are not sorry that you ignored your boyfriend's genuine attempts to keep the fragile peace in his family. You're sorry people are mad at you and you're sorry that your reputation is now "the person who squealed". That isn't deserving of forgiveness.

And the fact that you say you don't feel guilty or ashamed proves that you are not genuine in your apology, either. So my honest advice: don't apologize, because you aren't sorry.

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others."

Inflated sense of own importance: you think you have some business meddling in everyone else's relationships, and you think that your moral compass is the only correct one and you are in some position to declare what is "cruel"
Deep need for admiration: you want to make sure everyone here knows what a good person you are and how your boyfriend's family loves and adores you
Troubled relationships: you and Sasha, but also you and your boyfriend, who you spy on and bulldoze in his own family matters
Lack of empathy for others: "I don't see the big deal" when obviously your actions hurt multiple people

View Quoted Comment Preach....

View Quoted Comment This 100%.

View Quoted Comment

Agree with this 100%