Advice on Holiday Drama

When Trump and Hillary first ran for office my uncle would bring up politics at family events. After the first time when things got heated, the next family event we had and he started talking about politics I quickly shut that conversation down. I was like I'm going to have to stop you mid sentence we are not talking politics at family events anymore, I told him nobody wants to spend the holidays arguing with family over their beliefs thats not why we come together, I said if you can't find a better more proper topic to talk about then you need to stay quiet. And I even had a few other family members having my back telling him yea we don't want to talk about this. Now my uncle doesn't bring it up and if he does we shut down the conversation.

This is a case where rules usually applied to public groups must be applied to private gatherings, unless you want to either be divorced or completely estranged from your family very quickly. Both sides need to agree that there will be no discussion of politics, religion, or other divisive topics which people cannot or will not discuss in a peaceful and calm way. Both hosts and guests need to agree that they will disagree to strongly on many points for sociable conversation, and that family visits or holidays are not debate stages. Talk with mom and step father, and with FI. If they will not abide by it, tell your parents that you will never join them for any social occasion or holiday now and forever, this including when or if you have children. Every group needs some ground rules, and you do not need the kinds of fights that would develop immediatly without them. ... As for FI, he has to learn to not respond with a counter- argument , or explanations every time someone else's opinion is different from his. Expecting him to say anything about having a good point won't work with him and stepfather. He needs to learn to say, we have a difference of opinion about that, but this is not the time or place to discuss it. And change to a safe subject, or else you announce to all that if they are going to debate things here and now, you are leaving. And do it. And refuse to go anywhere or do anything special with either your FI or Step father. I would reconsider marriage, to anyone who could not step away from a potential argument,with step father or anyone else.

View Quoted Comment It’s sad that people cannot control themselves and just avoid topics all together. But, since you are aware your stepfather is unable to resist starting an argument, you basically have 4 choices:

1. Make it very clear to your mother and stepfather that politics are strictly off-limits for Thanksgiving. This is a time to give thanks for what you have, not to argue with family. Also make it very clear that if any sort of politics are brought up, you and your fiancé will be leaving the home immediately. And actually follow through on it! Unfortunately, I have opposite political beliefs as my parents. At first when my dad would bring up politics I would just try to ignore it or shrug it off. But doing that only invites them to further talk about the subject. I finally had to be very firm with him that I never wanted any sort of political conversation with him or even around me. And the next time he did it, I immediately shut that conversation down. I made it very clear to him that either the conversation ends immediately, or I leave. He realized I was quite serious about the matter, and has since stopped speaking about politics with or around me. Like I told him, everyone has the right to their own opinions. I respect him enough to not bring up my views which I know he doesn’t agree with, and in return I request that he respect me enough to do the same.

2. The two of you have Thanksgiving dinner separately at your respective families
3. You have Thanksgiving dinner at his family’s (since you have not mentioned them, I am assuming they are able to hold their tongues better than your stepfather)
4. Decline both invites and have Thanksgiving dinner at home with your fiancé
I will say, if you choose to have dinner at your family’s house it is not fair or respectful of you to request your fiancé nod his head and tell your stepfather that he sees his point, when clearly he does not. If you choose to have dinner there, you need to put your foot down, establish boundaries with your stepfather and insist that he shows your FH respect. If you don’t, this situation is going to continue to occur at every family event.

View Quoted Comment My fiancé and I had a long conversation about this today. I told him that I will have Thanksgiving with my family and for him to have Thanksgiving with his. I also told him, on election years we won’t be doing Thanksgiving with my family. I just wonder how Christmas will be.