Advice/Critique on Wedding Vows/ Poetry Styling

To give a little more perspective on the following poem, we have been together since we were teenagers, and thus have grown up together. We are planning on getting married on our 10 year anniversary this year in October!

Id like to cut down on the amount of 'always' in the poem, as well as better th syllable counts somehow.. But this is my starting point.

Sadly I'm not a poet so I can't help but I think it has a lovely message. I agree the syllables are off in some points so the lines don't flow as well. Wish I could be more helpful

I'm noticing that the pattern of rhyming changes.

First two verses end with a rhyme to connect them ("fears" and "tears")

Third verse rhymes within itself ("car" and "far")

Speaking of the third verse, "& how eye contact would take me far" sounds a little cheesy to me. Maybe try to find something else that rhymes with car?

Fourth and fifth verse go back to rhyming to connect them ("goals" and "old")

Sixth and seventh also rhyme to connect phrases ("me" and "be")

I'm thinking either add another phrase to connect with the third verse, or delete it!

Hope this helps!

Okay so my advice would be to make it a Shakespearean sonnet. That is a sonnet (traditional love poem) that is 14 lines. 3 quatrains (sets of 4 lines) and one ending couplet (set of 2 lines). While I don't think you should go with iambic pentameter (bc you'd probably have to change the whole thing), I would stick to the same number of syllables for each line. A lot of the lines are 7-9, perhaps 8 would be a good number. Remember poems are meant to be concise, so words like "how" or other space filler words can be dropped if it doesn't add any meaning to the poem. You shoulf also stick to the rhyme scheme abab cdcd throughout.

I did a little finangling.... I just really like poems! Let me know if I overstepped.

Ian, You were always there for me.

You showed me how to diffuse my temper,

Calm my angst, and quell my fears

You taught me how to express my Love,

You were there with me to wipe my tears.

You taught me how to drive a car

& how eye contact would take me far

You balanced me

And now I have goals, whether

raising our children

or growing old together

I promise to be there for you

Like you always have been here for me.

Conflict of any kind we will work it through,

and cherish each other endlessly

I give you my forever, until death do us part

Because Ian, now and always you have my heart.

Hi Becca! Yes, I noticed the rhyme scheme changes alot, too.. I am not a poet by any means, so I honestly had no idea what I was doing. Im a liiittle confused on how you suggest to add another line to connect the third verse? Do you mean connect it as a whole, with the ryhme style (like AA, or AB, etc)? Or the words themselves?

And no, you didnt overstep! If anything its giving me something to work off of. I may change some things still here and there, but i did ask for advice and critique so i am not offended at all!

Hi Vanessa! Thank you, I will try to do a rewrite with that information in mind! Im very glad you pointed out the filler thing to me, I wouldnt have known that. are there any other filler words in there that you see?

I personally find rhyming poems awkward to read. I might try to rewrite it without forcing it to hyme and see how it hits you.

If I'm being completely honest, the rhyming verse makes your vows sound a little bit childish.

I think it's best to write from your heart without the constraint of having to think of a rhyme.

Good luck!

If you're going to use a rhyme scheme, it needs a structured base to follow.

Sonnets are popular for romance poems: http://www.rc.umd.edu/sites/default/RCOldSite/www/rchs/sonnet.htm

Petrarchan/Italian sonnet: ABBAABBA CDECDE

Shakespearean/English sonnet: ABAB CDCD EFEF GG

Spenserian sonnet: ABAB BCBC CDCD EE

Shakespearean is my preference.

Don't mess with the iambic pentameter bit of a sonnet unless you know how to do it well; I struggle with it sometimes.

I'd just focus on firming up the rhyme scheme. The sonnet form would help with the flow, I think.

ETA: I knew my career path would come in handy some day.

Jay, Thank you so much! I think I will try to give the Shakespearean a go, since that seems to be the consensus as far as structure goes. And heck no, if YOU are struggling with it, i wont bother.. Ive heard Ian use the word from time to time in regards to his work, but I just stare and nod, haha!

What if instead if doing a poem for your vows, you did vows that are more "natural" to you but put your poem into a letter he could read while he is getting ready?

That would allow you to incorporate poetry in a meaningful way but not feel awkward on the spot during your vows.

We are having a Renaissance themed wedding, so, ultimately im not too concerned about coming off as 'childish'. He is a writer by trade, so I wanted to try to nod towards that with the vows.

Anywho.. Here is an updated draft. If someone would be so kind as to tell me if im headed in a better direction or not, i would appreciate it. I couldnt quite hammer out an ABAB CDCD scheme, so ABCB was the best i had. The syllables arent quite perfect, but I will gladly take more suggestions on how to make this better:

Ian, You were always there for me.

You taught me to quell my anger,

& then surpass all of my fears

You showed me to express my Love

& were there to wipe all the tears

You taught me how to drive a car

And trials of learning patience

You showed me the path of wisdom

And served as daily inspiration

You have always supported me

And now I have ambitious goals

Like traveling the world, while

Having Children and growing old

I promise to be there for you

Like you always have for me

To the beginning of our forever

Happy Anniversary