After Wedding Enlightenment... Advice?

Did you pay for her to go to Disney? I ask because you mention how much everything cost but wouldn’t she have also spent that money? I don’t think you’re overreacting to most of this but I will say this is exactly why we don’t vacation with friends. Everyone has their own idea of what’s fun and what’s not so her suggesting fast pass times or what to do at the Halloween party probably felt (to her) like she was helping. Also, how often she goes on vacation is irrelevant. You invited her to join you.

You're an adult and married now. Your priority shouldn't and doesn't need to involve her. I can understand being upset about different things throughout the process, I think you have every right to be. Maybe tell her what you're feeling, in a very nice and caring manner, and see how she responds? Maybe she doesn't realize how she's coming off to others or what she's doing. You certainly shouldn't feel the constant need to defend her or let her get away with being rude to others. She's an adult and should take responsibility for her own actions.

View Quoted Comment No, I let her stay in my room, so it cut costs for her immensely. I get that she had cost in this too, but we told her she was more than welcome to part away from any of us to do her thing. We knew she put money in. We were adult enough to be honest and say we wouldn't all want to do the same thing at the same time, there wouldn't be an issue with her telling us she wanted to go 'x' way while we went 'y'; that we respected she paid to come, too.

And it was far from helpful for her to mutter about it being a waste of time? I don't...see how saying it's a waste is helpful? 😓 We even told her if she wasn't enjoying the trick or treat like we were, then it was alright if she wanted to grab some rides while we did what we could and we'd meet up. Fast passes, I tried to understand, but she had access to everything before we went and she chose then to complain. I was just a but taken aback and mentioned she was able to make her own and I didn't mind that.

And yeah. We are all agreeing if I do remain friends, I'll never invite her on a trip, again.

I think my bigger issue is the fact my family and his family think she's a know it all, talk down to everyone person. I literally got asked why she's my friend from so many people after the wedding and that it seemed rude how her speech went. I found out after the wedding and so it's hard to comment on what I didn't get involved with or wasn't privy to. Easier to go over examples of what I know first hand. It's not just the trip, the trip just opened my eyes to things she did selfishly or didn't think before speaking... or how she talked to me like I couldn't do basic life things.

I also feel like it's relevant due to the fact it's nbd for her to go on trips, but for us, it's hard. It's her own words, not mine when it comes to the 'nbd'. So, she definitely views it in a different light if she's able to do things on the norm, which is why I made mention. It's not because 'b'aw, we can't do this and she can'.


I guess I'm just tired defending her because it seems like I make excuses and I don't appreciate how people are telling me she treats them. It's kinda appalling and makes me look bad, I feel? I know they don't see us as the same person, but she yelled at my MIL and my SIL over my bouquet I wasn't even looking for and snatched it from my Husband's nephew who's 3 and bringing it over to his Mom. It was my tosser and it was rehearsal, I heard nothing on my wedding day. Eight people repeated the same story and one was another BM and the other my venue coordinator, so it's not like I could deny it. I just didn't see it...but I was embarrassed, none the less.

I even had a conversation with her to be like: "Hey, are you stressed out? What can I do?" Instead of being like: "So all these people said you were being rude" and seem like an attack. She said she was fine and brushed it off, so I basically ended up letting her know: "You can let me know if it gets too much, I don't mind" and "I'm here to talk, just relax -- this is supposed to be fun". Just to kinda get her to get into the mindset that she didn't have to be so uppity?

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I had a conversation with her that night before she left, I think I mentioned it. I literally said: "Hey what's up -- why are you in this mood". She ended up letting me know that she made a lot of sacrifices for us and bent to our every wish and will and I was kinda taken aback. I wasn't aware that I was forcing her to do anything? I offered her to come, didn't demand. I told her she was more than good to go off on her own and do what she wanted and we could meet back up when we both had the same interest in something -- it was bound to happen that we didn't mesh up with ideas. I kindly mentioned that she shouldn't get a birthday button and that's not why we were there in a subtle manner of 'get the 1st visit, not the bday' -- and I still had to let her know that it wasn't appropriate on my HM to get it because she did it the next day. I know she paid to come, but she paid to come on my HM not on her Birthday Trip?? So I felt valid in saying something.

She and I see this very differently and she always seems to gaslight me. I told her that she was being very motherly and commanding of the group, that we were all almost in our 30's and didn't need our hands held. On at least ten different occasions, she yelled at me to put sunscreen on. Helpful, I appreciate - but when I said "No, I'm okay" -- I didn't expect "You'll burn but that's your own problem". Oh... okay, I mean -- yeah that's the outcome if I forget or don't put enough on... but it wasn't in a helpful way it was like snippy??? Like she was offended I didn't take her advice. Then when I mentioned in our conversation that's how we felt and brought it up, she literally said: "I never asked anyone to do that". I had to run it by the Husband and friend from over seas to make sure I wasn't losing my marbles and they were like: "No, she TOLD US to like three times today, alone" -- didn't ask, told.

So, I feel like that conversation didn't go very well because I listened to a lot of her side of the story but every time I brought up my own concern or how I felt, I was shut down with being the bad guy and her the victim. I... really didn't enjoy the first half of my HM when she was around and my other friend wasn't even an issue, he was super fun. So, I don't feel like it's a 'you shouldn't invite your friends' deal.... I just... think I've been putting up with a lot and letting her slide and I'm wondering if I should continue or make a healthy distance between us.

Hell, she even told me: "I need time" I was like "What does that mean". "I need time". I basically boiled it down to -- 'we shouldn't hang or talk for awhile'. So, I told her outright that she could have her time and I'm sorry it came to that... so it's not even me initiating distance? Though, she tried to brush off everything by trying to hang out the weekend I came back from HM and I was kinda irritated. Told her that it wasn't a good time and I'd be acclimating back to needing to go to work and all that jazz, but I'm still kinda pissed because she treated it like it didn't even happen? Cool, I suppose -- but I'm not... completely okay with it, yet.

Also, yes, she is an adult and can defend herself. I guess... I just try and see her in such a different light and I know she means well most of the time, but I really just wished she saw how she treats people. Like, she'd never stand for me coming up to her like she does some other people, so why should they -- when it comes to her?

Honestly, she sounds like a lot. I think the biggest issue is she made your honeymoon feel less special and that's a perfectly good reason to be upset. I would suggest taking some time apart. No doubt with the wedding and then the vacation together you need some space from each other. And then when you feel like you're ready go back and talk to her (like the whole write and angry email but don't send it). Its possible that she didn't even realize what she was doing, especially if its something you don't call her out on. For example, it seems like she should have known that she shouldn't have gotten the birthday pin because this was for YOUR honeymoon, but if you didn't tell her that explicitly she may have been completely aloof. I would talk about some things that bothered you from both the wedding and the trip and talk to her about how it you felt and see if you can gauge what she's thinking and go from there.

After reading everything it sounds like you need to cut your losses I get you care about her but you need to care about yourself and not expect any less from anyone.. if a stranger came up and treated you this way how would you react? Why Lowe her to do this just because she isn’t a stranger that’s accepting less then what you deserve! Know your worth!!

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This is a difficult position to be in and it sounds like putting some distance between the two of you might be a good idea.

Honestly, and I apologize for doing this, but I don’t think it’s totally fair to “blame” her for many of these problems. Giving the history and concern, why have her as your MOH? Granted, you’ve known each other for 17+ years and you care for her deeply but you already knew her attitude and disposition. Your wedding wouldn’t have been any different. Secondly, yes it’s your honeymoon but it stopped being solely about you when you decided to invite other people. I get it. You wanted a fun trip but your honeymoon wasn’t that time nor place. You allowed people to come in and therefore, you chose to sacrifice your joy once you offered to do a joint trip. Yes, you’re recently married and living in wedding bliss but her birthday was a week before. There’s no comparison in someone’s joy. Your marriage is a big deal to you just like her birthday was a big deal to her. Either way, your decision making and judgment call is really the flaw here not her behavior. Again, you already knew her behavior so, why expect anything differently?

I’m not sharing this to be harsh, honestly. Im telling you this as I would any of my friends. Often times, we like to fault other people for their repetitive behavior and don’t realize we enable them by accepting this behavior and giving them privileges they don’t deserve. Now, we are upset because they “ruined” something or showed their behind but that’s who they’ve been, always been and quite frankly, always are. So, no matter how much we love them and see the best in them, who they really are will always show.

I have had “friends” like this. The best thing I did was create my distance. I still loved them, still wished and prayed for their very best but create a distance for my own mental health and sanity. It may hurt, it’s not how you envisioned your friendship but how valuable is a friendship that is always one-sided and keeps hurting or negatively affecting you?

It’s something to consider. Nonetheless, I wish you the best. I hope you and husband can find a time to really enjoy a vacation with you guys even if it’s a weekend getaway local and that hopefully, one day your friend will mature.

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I think my issue is that I don't really see the same thing that most others do and that is where I am caught off guard. I certainly did not expect her to piss anyone off at my wedding on the level that she did or that she'd embarrass me to the degree she had. To me? She's not that type of person. However, I did not realize that I gave her different 'passes' that I probably wouldn't give to most others, because I care. There was a level of ignorance, I suppose? On my end. While I understand that there is a line when you add people in, I feel that there is a sense of consideration that should be taken. We celebrated her Birthday, I even went all out to give her a surprise party the week before my wedding to show my appreciation and to make it about her because no one's life revolves around a wedding and I understand that. I just feel she didn't give me the same consideration on the trip that I labeled and blatantly told her: "This is my Honeymoon". I didn't expect it to be about me, I expected... a level of respect that wasn't returned, I suppose.

Maybe I had higher hopes than I should have? I'm not sure. I almost feel silly and embarrassed, myself that I never noticed her behavior until everyone started talking about how they weren't happy with her.

The other issue is that everything came out ten fold during the wedding and she's never been this bad, imo. Husband says it's been that way the entire time but she hides it better and I'm sitting here wondering where I got lost in all of it? I honestly think that 17 years has really just... kind of blinded me to a lot of things that I didn't realize I was doing. Which, ultimately, I can understand is my fault too. You're right, giving privileges and enabling doesn't fix the problem and it shouldn't be a 'surprise' thing...

I appreciate your input and I totally get where you're coming from and my hiccup was inviting her, yes. I don't blame her for everything, but I do not see the respect I give her -- given back to me and she feels the same about me to her. So, distance is probably healthy and I can love her from afar and deal with her in small doses. It'd probably be best for the both of us as he cannot stand her, now -- and she feels that he's childish. I side more with him than her, because I feel she's playing victim rather than listening to what she did wrong like I willingly did and apologized for -- and some things I didn't feel necessary to apologize about, but I still did it anyway because I can't help how some people perceive things, even if I explain it.

Ultimately, I probably wouldn't have made her my MoH or invited her if I ever expected this outcome, honestly. I had another friend that I feel way closer to, especially with how she handled the wedding and was so supportive. So, I kinda feel regretful of my choices with this bit of enlightenment and it's why I feel like I'm lost in what to do and how to feel.

View Quoted Comment I absolutely feel you 100%. It’s never easy. I find that toxic friendships are as equally damaging as toxic intimate relationships. I really hope it works out for you, truly. Good friends are needed in this world and your heart is absolutely showing so, I’m sure good friends will come to you when needed. 🥰

It sounds like you know how you feel and what to do. I commend you for being the friend that she needed and for realizing that you want and deserve the same. It won’t be easy, but it sounds like your biggest fan (hubby) will help you through the transition. Please don’t beat yourself up over it though. She may take some time to self reflect and grow as a person and you can too. Accepting her as she is was the biggest gift you gave her when no one else did. Wanting reciprocated respect is nothing to feel guilty about. You don’t ever have to agree with anyone’s opinions of her but to be able to recognize how you feel in your friendship is so important. I wish you the best! Congratulations on your wedding!!!