Aita? Fiance doesn't understand why our parents are seeing eachother

I don't think you're being a jerk for insisting to go. i mean if all you're doing is having dinner with them when you'd have to have dinner anyway, i don't see the harm in it. if it's about him not wanting to eat burgers then he can just bring something else for him to eat or something.

Yeah, I guess I'm not super clear on why he is against it, since it seems like your parents and his get along very well. I can see him being upset if he wanted to just spend some time with only his family since you two are them so infrequently, but as you pointed out, his going to play sports kind of negates that. I would maybe ask him again what his honest issue with you all going to your parents house and go from there. Either way, I don't think you're an asshole for insisting you go, and I'm not sure if he is either (because I'm also just not clear on his reasoning).

It seems a little odd that your FH would be angry about this, but I do kind of get how he might feel like it turns each visit into a big production. I do think you should ask him some questions to find the root of the issue.

When my dad was alive he would invite my sister's in-laws to *every single* family dinner when we visited from out of town (my sister's in-laws lived locally to my dad) and I used to get annoyed (although I never said anything to him) because it felt like we could never just casually hang out as our family (I mean, I am not related to my sister's in-laws!).

Also, when we used to live near my in-laws, when either of my 2 sets of parents would visit from out of town one parent or another would want us to arrange a group dinner and *sometimes* it felt like too much effort to coordinate everyone's schedules in the limited time of the visit.

The bottom line is that you are joining your two families so you will (hopefully) have many more years of this. It's important to figure out how he is really feeling and set up your parent socializing strategy now.

Honestly, I keep my two families 100% separate from each other. My in laws are in no way related to my parents. We have separate holidays and celebrate out kids birthdays with get togethers at each house. Its great and works for us. Clearly this is not how everyone conducts their relationships but it is a valid choice if that is what people want.

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Every family is different but considering that our families genuinely get along well and enjoy each other's company, I don't think it's fair either that FH throws a hissy fit about it and throw a spanner at what is otherwise a great relationship.

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Actually for us, both our families do get along great. It's me. I don't want to mix the two families. I like having them separate. I don't want to have to always see everyone and over time it has really worked out for us. As I said, there are people who don't agree but I have found in real life that there are just as many people that do. But, maybe listen to him a tiny bit more and try to understand where he is coming from. They are his parents so I do think he should have some say. Although, he could speak directly to them and let them know his feelings. They could then decide if they want to keep up this level of contact with your parents, knowing he doesn't want them to. Or if by asking him to speak to his parents about his, he may rethink his position.

Everyone has to do what's best for them. I wish you both the best of luck figuring this out.

If FH’s parents enjoy spending time with your parents as well as your family does with them, FH needs to communicate to you why these two halves hanging out bothers him so much. Or realize he is being childish and needs to get over this. But like someone said, it isn’t clear why he is getting upset so it could be something else entirely, but no one will know until he gets it off his chest. It could be the not enough time and doesn’t see them enough and have to share thing. If that is the case then sit down with him and figure out a way to compromise. Maybe every other visit open it up to your family too? Wish you luck on this.

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I agree with you. It's not fair. He's being really unreasonable. You are definitely NOT the asshole here for insisting he get over it. It sounds like he's jealous. Maybe because his parents went for so long without any other extended family, he got a bit spoiled, never having to share their attention. But he really needs to grow up, and get over it. If his parents objected, that would be different. But it sounds like they enjoy your parents, so let them see their friends!!

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Thank you!

I personally feel like if he's so threatened by the prospects of having 2-3 hours of our time with them spent with others as well that he needs to chuck a wobbly, then he either needs to tell his parents to visit more, or discuss with me that we go see his parents more, if 2-3 hours is so catastrophic.

I get that our family dinners are a shock to him because he was never used to the family events I was brought up attending, I just don't understand how it's such a big deal. Like, sorry that our parents are friends?!

View Quoted Comment Right? Girl I feel your pain!! And "chuck a wobbly" is one of the cutest phrases I've ever heard! Omg, that means throwing a fit, right?


Those are good points. You should definitely discuss this with him. Communication is key. And, it's family, not criminals or aliens we're talking about. What's the big deal?

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Hahaha yes "chuck/chucking a wobbly" is Australian slang for throwing a tantrum/hissy fit. We have a fair few interesting slang words and phrases lol one of my favourites is "we're not here to f*$k spiders" (translation: we aren't here to waste time and muck around).

I think we will inevitably end up discussing this tonight together, fingers crossed he can see that the intentions of my parents and myself are good!

View Quoted Comment Lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I love Aussie slang! Knew a guy years ago who used it a lot.
Good luck talking with your man. I'm sure once you get to the source of his distress, you'll be able to deal with it appropriately.

I hope you’re able to talk this out. I think that the fact they get along well is great, especially if you guys plan to have children in the future. Events, such as a child’s birthday party, are so much better when everyone gets along!


If his parents want to see yours, you guys should go. I think it’s sweet that your parents make the effort to invite his parents over. Definitely get to the bottom of why this bothers him so much. These people will be in each other’s lives forever, so something needs to be worked out.
Maybe you two could visit his parents sometime? That way, you two can spend more time with them alone.

I feel like you need to dig deeper into this. Does your FH feel threatened by your families getting along? Is he worried about changing dynamics?

DH and I were TERRIFIED our parents wouldn't get along (FIL had been very standoffish with me, they were rarely in town when my parents were, etc.).

...When my dad and FIL ended up talking HARD in a corner at the rehearsal dinner, DH and I practically got up and danced for joy. The day after the wedding, they left us strictly alone and had a 3 hour lunch together! My parents came to visit 4 months later... became a lengthy dinner, all of us together. HECK, my parents just invited my ILs to come visit after COVID!

I don't know if your FH knows what he is getting mad at. This will make your life so much easier! Holidays? They won't be split, they'll be together. Grandkids? Probably getting passed like a football between the grandparents.

So, yeah, I think your FH has a deeper issue he hasn't actually brought up.

You're not being a jerk at all. I think it's great your parents get along so well. And if HIS parents WANT to go and be a part of it, all the better.

Since his family come so rarely, I think if he wants putter around and do nothing time with one or both of his parents, it should not be turned into an automatic, must visit your parents time. Like holiday visits, just because you have enjoyed Thanksgiving or Christmas at someone's house before, does not mean this year and every other, you want to repeat it. If I only saw my parents this often, and someone ( hubby, in laws) made plans for what they would do once, without asking, I would be upset, then likely go along with it . But if another year they then went and made the same plans I objected to the year before, I would be beyond furious. You know he was upset before. Why didn't you say to your parents, my honey would like to spend more time with his family, just him and them, this visit. Why put what you/ your parents suggested ahead of your man, again? His parents should maybe be invited more often. Or stay a few days longer. But since they only visit your place 1 x a year, keeping your plans off his time with them, completely, would be nice. If they want to plan extra visits to see your parents, fine. Or your parents drive there, fine. But in the end, he has little time with them. And while your family has good intentions, you should not make any plans for FH parents, at all, that you know he objected to and may not want again. That you did it before, he objected, and you are doing it again is a Big Bad Thing, controlling in any way what he wants for his family. His family, his rules. Nice that your families get along when they meet, but if it only happens once every five years, fine. Mess with your FH family's limited time with him again, you are really doing something destructive. You knew his objection.

View Quoted Comment I don’t agree that it’s ‘destructive’. Like I said in my original post, he has no issues in playing sport for a few hours while his parents will be here, so clearly a few hours away for that isn’t a big deal.
As much as I do try to take on board external opinions, I really don’t think that a two hour dinner over which our whole family gets to spend time together and bond is that bad. You make it sound as though I’m orchestrating some plot to deliberately sabotage his relationship with his parents which this is the furthest thing from.

View Quoted Comment The dinner itself isn't destructive That is why I compared it to holiday dinners. I have enjoyed holidays, July Fourth, Thanksgiving, Turning of the Year, Christmas, as a guest at other people's homes. At different times, with 1st husband, with FI now hubby, with our kids. But after having a good time, there is always someone who decides, this worked, we will do this every year. And some people think that is great. and as many ( including me) freak. Because I want the freedom year to year to do some different things, including just staying home and relaxing, not having others book the time. Yeah, he wants a few hours to go play sports. But he wants the social time around the meal to do as he will with his parents on their rare visit. It is a control issue. You have taken away his choice of how to spend time with his family, before. And knowing he was upset about it, now you want to do it again. It is not the burger dinner that I think is destructive. It is you making plans for time with his parents once, knowing he objected, and deciding to do it again. A giant, F you and what you want when your family visits us. Not a nice way to treat a loved one. If you like being with both sets of parents together, and they want it, perhaps ask them to stay a few more days next time. And spend part of one with your parents. And let your FI have more unscheduled time with his parents. And have a combined family thing. Not taking time he wants with his parents, for what you want. His family, should be his rules.

No you're not out of line at all. It's 3 hours out of your day you would be at this event, right? Find out what the underlying issue is that is triggering him, and see how it can be resolved.


No one is forcing him to participate and if he wants to visit on his own time, that seems reasonable too.

Huh? Im not getting why he's upset about his parenys spending 2 hours with your parents....