aita For not wanting to spend so much time at my fiancé's family's events?

Being engaged is not about you being absorbed into his family and his culture. You come from somewhere, too. Being engaged is about planning your new future life together. Thus, now is the perfect time to speak to your fiancé about boundaries with family and navigating personal time. Very soon, you two will be your own family of two (2), and everyone else will be considered extended family. That means you, not the brother, should be the priority. There's no reason to attend monthly children's parties. There's no reason to show your faces at a party out of guilt and intimidation by an older brother. Time for everyone to treat each other as adults and make decisions that are good for both of you. "We have plans and can't make it" is a full sentence that requires no explanation. Moreover, you should not feel like the a*&^ for wanting private time together, and that includes holidays (this is a hard lesson for many couples BTW). Kudos to you for working on your Spanish.

In my family, I teach my husband about boundaries with others. I'm very strict about protecting our space and privacy, therefore, he shows me how to be more flexible. It's an ongoing process where you really need buy-in from both parties to get the life you want. If you and your partner can't get on the same page, then neither of you will get the future you want separately and collectively. Good luck.

Thank you so much! This is so validating! I feel like it shouldn't be hard for me to navigate this but I do feel like when his brother says "family comes first" he's not realizing that my fiancé has a new family now. I have to advocate for myself and work on my boundaries! Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate the insight and advice!

Ah, no one likes to be lectured at a party. But, Latin families are more than family, they are also quite romantic. Perhaps tap into your playful side and privately remind your fiancé you both are young, in love, and have no children (?). Then when you're at these parties, stay close, hold hands, and joke with one another. Have him include you when telling stories to others. Let others see you being giddy and in love, then excuse yourselves early to say, "we're going to check out the neighborhood park". They'll remember soon enough how they got all those children and should smile back at you. Remember, you two are a team so try to make the ride fun. Best wishes.

I'd say this is definitely worth a serious conversation with your fiancé. You're not the AH for feeling this way, his family is treating you impolitely and like the person above me said, you come from a culture too and there needs to be some blending here, not just you sacrificing. I'd be completely exhausted going to 8 hour functions regularly even if I did speak the language, that's a big committment to be doing all the time.

I'd sit your fiance down and tell him that you need more consideration going forward. Lay it out the sacrifies you've been making (learning spanish, going to monthly family events, neglecting your own family) and explain that you feel like no one has been meeting you in the middle. Request that your partner stays by your side during family functions and intentionally brings you into conversations. He can act as a bridge translator for when the conversation is flowing too fast, which will help you engage more and feel less exhausted. If he pushes back, I'd ask him frankly why he doesnt care about your feelings more. Your feelings and perceptions should absolutely trump his need to socialize independenly with extended family members, esepcially when theres an easy way to bridge that gap by simply including you in those conversations. Don't make excuses for him or his family, its beyond rude for them to ignore and exclude family members intentionally, especially when you're making an effort to learn and practice their language. That's not part of their culture, thats just them being impolite. Convey how these actions make you feel discouraged, hurt, and lonely. Any caring partner should hear that and immediately try to remedy the issue. You're not asking for a lot here.....

Secondly, I'd let your partner know that you've been feeling distant from your family recently and it's upsetting you. You don't have to relate it to his family functions - they're not in competition. Let him know that you'd love to schedule a dinner soon with your side of the family and going forth, would like to maybe pick out a holiday that you spend togther with them. It can be one like New Years or a birthday, or you can make up one like an annual family dinner.

The frequency of events is the least important one at the moment, I'd probably leave that one out to focus on the first two because you also don't want to pile on, but I think that throughout the course of your own family building there might be some natural remedy. There's a family function but your child has soccer practice or is sick or has a school project due? Sorry, going to have to miss it. You're pregnant and tired and can't find the enrgy to socialize for an entire day? We'll come stop by for an hour but we have an ultrasound appointment (or whatever excuse) that we'll need to leave for soon.