aita

View Quoted Comment If you considered the time he was cheating on his wife with her then yes

I gotta ask, OP—why’d you even post this? People are in consensus that it’s rude not to include your fiancé’s dad’s gf and are offering you a solution (i.e. pay for your own wedding) and you’re just insisting that’s not an option. Were you just hoping for validation so you could feel better about something that’s quite clearly wrong?

I don't understand why for YOUR wedding, you are letting your parents have sole control. You're allowing them to dictate the fact that you can't contribute anything financially and allow to cover additional guests. Every single person who is in a relationship, should be allowed to have their significant other there. I would love to not have some of my guests SO's at my wedding, especially the ones I've never met, but it's rude to not invite them as a couple. My parents and my FH's parents are both contributing financially to our wedding, but we sat down with both and set boundaries regarding the planning process, we're allowing them a few extra guests, and they're invited to some of our planning meetings with vendors (my FMIL went with me dress shopping and to venues and has been great), but I cannot fathom letting either sides parents have sole control over the wedding. It's a day about you and your FH not your parents, I think you need to have a conversation first with your parents about planning and put your foot down, and if they're not willing to let you pay to add enough guests to cover all these SOs then you need to either elope or postpone till you and your FH can afford it 100% yourselves. And if you're not willing to listen to the countless people here suggesting that, then you need to ask why you posted this to begin with? Most of your replies sound like you want to be petty and exclude her because the FFIL cheated.

View Quoted Comment This right here. You asked AITA on a forum. Every person responded with the same answer which you don’t seem to want to listen to, and you don’t seem to want to take this situation for what it is. I’m not sure what else you want from people. What you’re doing is rude and is wrong and lots of people have told you so, and have offered you ways to fix it. You’ve continued to give reasons and excuses why none of these options are possible, even though there are always options. I’m not sure what you expected here.

I am going to chime in again after seeing some of your replies. A wedding is not necessary to get married. It's a luxury. All you need is an officiant (or equivalent), you and your fiancé, and maybe a witness (depending on the state). That's it.

If you are determined to have a wedding, you need to be a proper host. If you're not, the etiquette police will not come after you, but you will probably offend your guests. It looks like no matter what you are going to accept the wedding your parents are paying for regardless of what us strangers tell you on the internet.

I am not sure what you are looking for if all you are going to do is come up with excuses. You can say no to your parents, you don't have to have a wedding to get married, and there is nothing wrong with having to wait to afford the wedding you can properly host. If your parents disagree, then that's their problem. Not yours.

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You only want responses that will validate what you have already decided to do without you being TA. YTA.

You are correct that I mislabeled the situation as being your father, not your fiances. It still doesn't change that not inviting fiance's dad's GF is an A move.

If this wedding is a year out, you don't even need to be considering this right now. STDs go out about 6 months before the wedding, invites about 8 weeks before. If GF isn't in the picture at that point it's a non-issue.

But yes you need to plan to accomodate her, along with all of the other guest's SOs.

If your fiance does not feel comfortable with GF because she knowingly had an affair with your fiance's father while he was still married to a previous wife, that is a separate issue (also fiance's dad seems like the biggest A of all in this situation). While you never need to include someone who has been abusive or hurtful to you or your partner, but whether or not she gets an invite based on her character is for your fiance to decide, not you and without knowing further details it seems unfair to put blame on the GF for dad's infidelity issues.

Talk this over with your fiance. And don't ask AITA if you aren't willing to hear the truth and accept an answer that you don't want to hear. If you just came here for people to tell you you are totally justified in not including SOs (because you are fortunate enough to have your entire wedding paid for and its not as big as you want) then sorry, not sorry, people aren't going to buy into that.

Ok I read through all this - the father has been seeing her a year ago and this broke up his marriage.
I would probably be ok with excluding her if my fiancee doesn’t want her there.
Families do get over cheating that causes divorces, but this is still really fresh - the ink is probably still wet on the divorce papers. I think even Emily Post would be ok with not inviting a mistress-turned-girlfriend when it’s only been a year since the affair started.

Father of the groom may have one, regardless of what you are doing tothers. Be serious. Who a person is in relation to the couple matters most of all. Meanwhile, be prepared to knock a few guests of the list to make room for your no ring, no bring policy, which is thought to be very rude. You give a ticket to someone as their SO if they have an established relationship. Not just if engaged. People can date five or 10 years and not ever get engaged. They still get treated like an SO.

So we’ve gone from FH’s dad cheated on his mom to his dad has been married three times and this is his “second mom”. Altering the story when posters don’t agree with OP is a really common defense. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. It’s clear OP only came here for validation on a poor choice because she wants a certain kind of wedding she feels is only possible if her parents pay. If the marriage is what you cared about, OP, you wouldn’t allow your parents to dictate a ridiculously stringent number of guests, much less an exceptionally rude exclusion of a key attendee’s SO.

Oh boy...your 'no ring no bling' rule is the epitome of outdated and offensive. Since you/your parents selected a venue that's too small to accommodate your guests' significant others (which is basic etiquette), your best best is to start making cuts to your guest list. Do you have 10 friends? Then only invite 5 of them. Family members? Limit to aunts and uncles and don't invite cousins. The fact that your parents are funding your wedding does not give you an excuse to ignore basic human decency

View Quoted Comment Since you clearly like to judge instead of offering helpful advice. You will likely accuse me of making excuses but I don’t really care because you are just a random person on the internet who means nothing to me in my life. BUT with that said…


1) the wedding is for everyone else (including my fiancé) who have clearly communicated to us that they would be very sad if we did not have a wedding and just eloped2) I just bought a house and am also in the process of potentially being diagnosed with crohns and needing part of my intestines removed. EXCUSE ME for not being miss money bags right now to pay for this. 3) his dad did cheat. And every single person on his side of the family is upset about it and does not like this woman (not just for cheating but because she does not allow him to participate in any family events now that they are together: no family Christmas, no family thanksgiving, separate bday celebrations, the list goes on). People do not like her (my fiancé’s mom, stepmom, and child brother included).4) all that aside, my guest list is tight and I would feel very terrible not inviting someone who has been in my life for 10+ years so that we can invite her.
So you’re right. At this point, I’m the AH. If I need to do my wedding untraditionally, so be it. But this is MY day and my FH day. Not his dads day. Not his dads girlfriends day. And I already regret many things about this event and I’m not going to regret leaving off someone important to BOTH my fiancé and I to have someone we don’t care for.

View Quoted Comment We have already trimmed the guest list. Only immediate family and closest friends. It will be VERY interesting and honestly extremely rude to invite the girlfriend and not his uncle who has been close in his life and he has lived with them at some point (basically a second dad). But if we invite one uncle, we have to invite the other 13 aunts/uncles + their wives/husbands. How would you suggest we explain to his uncle that he isn’t invited but the girlfriend is?

View Quoted Comment He’s not going to “understand”. You’re choosing not to invite your father in law’s significant other is incredibly rude when you absolutely could invite one more person. Significant others of parents are more important than other people. You got your answer and unfortunately are choosing to ruing the relationship between your fiancé and his father and you and your father in law.

View Quoted Comment I totally agree with this!

View Quoted Comment YOU asked for advice. YOU asked if you were being rude. And now, when everyone is saying you are, you get defensive. And I have chrons disease as well. If you’re as sick as I was when I was diagnosed, to the point of them needing to give you a bag, planning a wedding can absolutely wait until you’re feeling better. That’s the last thing that you should be worrying about now. And hopefully when you’re healed, this won’t be as much of an issue.

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Why don't you do what YOU AND YOUR FIANCE want instead of worrying about everyone else? So what if they want to go to a wedding? If you want to elope then do it! You guys are adults and you dont need to accept your parents money and do everything they want. My best advice is to decline your parents invite to pay and do the celebration you want instead.

View Quoted Comment I mean, I personally thought refusing your parents money and paying for the wedding you can afford, whenever that is and whatever that looks like was helpful advice, but it wasn’t the advice you wanted to hear. You wanted to hear how to make your FIL not mad at you/your fiancé for being exceptionally rude, and unfortunately, there’s no advice for that.

I’m getting concerned that you and FH are not emotionally, financially or mentally mature enough to be getting married. If mommy and daddy are calling all the shots and it’s causing you this much distress but you refuse to walk away from their money/help then you probably should work on your independence as a couple before getting married.

View Quoted Comment My fiancé doesn’t want to elope so that is why we are not doing that.

View Quoted Comment That’s right. I did ask for help. And if I’m being rude then I guess I’m being rude. Just because I asked for opinions doesn’t mean that I’m going to change how I do my wedding based off of reason people’s opinions on the internet. I know how people feel now but that doesn’t mean my fiancé and I have to listen you what you are saying.