Alcoholic Fiance

I'm sorry to say this will only get worse not better. My first marriage ended after 2 years mainly due to his alcoholism, and 6 months of that 2nd year he was in jail for a DUI. I was miserable. Everything you described was exactly how it was for us. Realize that you can't do or say anything to change him. He needs to get help on his own. I really would caution you about getting married until he's gotten the help he needs. If you plan to have kids ask yourself if you trust him to care for kids and what kind of environment are they being raised in.

Here's my advice, get dolled up every day, remind him of how amazing u r. If he stays out late act like it don't bother u. Do u, and when he starts noticing u again then he will realise what he has and will change for the better. Hang out with some friends. Enjoy life, remember ur worth gold and if he can't c that then u deserve better. If he can't treat u the way u want to be treated then treat ur self the way u want to be treated. Good luck.

I am in agreement with many of the things that have already been said and definitely believe that you should postpone the wedding at this time. There have been some personal stories that have already been shared with you that have highlighted what could possibly happen if you decide to go through with your wedding without addressing his addiction. I would hate for you to end up in one of those positions and regret going through with the wedding. Sometimes we have to make very difficult decisions when it comes to the people we love most. Please take care of yourself and realize you are worth it.

View Quoted Comment I agree with the you deserve better part. However the first part of your post is implying that his substance abuse problem is related to him not being attracted to OP anymore. This is far off. It doesn’t matter how dolled up you get, addiction is a disease. That’s as ridiculous as saying you can get dolled up as your main way to fight cancer.

View Quoted Comment So naive and so wrong. Alcoholism is an illness. It is not caused by one's fiancee not "dolling" herself up for him.

To the OP- do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Alcoholics and addicts don't change until they hit their own rock bottom. As long as you are there waiting for him, making a home for him, he will never reach his bottom.
You will be doing yourself and him a favor by calling off the engagement and telling him you are no longer available until he gets clean. You can't fix him or make him better. He has to do that for himself.

Oh man, first I feel sad for you having to go through this. Second, marriage will not make this better. If you really believe he stopped taking the drug just like that... I would think again, I’m sorry but only speaking from experience from my ex husband. It only gets worse and if he does leave and not come back then you know your better off. I’m truly sorry your going through this, but trust these words your hearing from everyone. And if you can’t talk about it with your mom or close friends then that should be a huge eye opening moment for you hun! Wishing you the best!

View Quoted Comment This is terrible advice. You will not change him by looking good and showing him how nice you are. He will not change for the better without professional help.

A bunch of strangers on the internet cannot tell you what to do, this is an extremely sensitive and personal decision. Personally, I would never have let myself get into a relationship with an alcoholic that went that deep. I am well aware that many people in recovery are good people and trying to better themselves. I have had one or two horrible experiences with addicts. This would be a breaking point for me. Life is short and you can find someone who is productive, benefits society, and most importantly, values you above everything.

His addiction is a priority over you and this is not good. When you are good, you are good but when you are bad, it is awful and he does not care as long as his addiction is satisfied. Regardless of his addiction, he doesn’t respect you, he does not prioritize you, and you are being hurt. At a minimum, you need to postpone your engagement, get him into recovery, and enter into both individual and couples therapy. At a maximum, run.

Substance Abuse Counselor here! I would urge him to seek help. AA and 12 step meetings will work for some, but not everyone. I would encourage him to go to a meeting, or even go with him to an open meeting. Look into treatment programs in your area. Outpatient programs are usually at night after working hours, and most take most insurance or have state funding. If he is going to outpatient regularly and still drinking, inpatient treatment is the next step. 30 days is good, 90 is better. The longer the continuity of care, the better chance for long-term recovery.

I would postpone all wedding planning until he's gotten help.

For you, seek help for yourself. Al-anon is a support group for people who have family member struggling with addiction. I second the poster that suggested Codependent No More - it's an amazing, life-changing book. Set boundaries, and stick to them. You don't deserve to be disrespected at ANY point in your relationship, even if it's only when he's drunk. I wouldn't recommend anyone leaving a relationship just because their partner is an addict, because recovery IS possible. But take a long time to think about what your 'hard line' boundary is, and be willing to stick to it.

Good luck!

ETA: You can not MAKE anyone change. He may love you more than anything in the world, but alcoholism is a brain disease. Saying things like 'if you really loved me you wouldn't drink anymore' is like saying 'if you really loved me you wouldn't have cancer anymore'. Therapy, support, and structure work 1,000x better than guilt trips and tough love.

He's got to want to change. Unfortunately there's nothing you can really do to help push that process along. I would suggest postponing the wedding until you're sure! If you think he will leave you forever if you kick him out then I would seriously reconsider marriage! I hope you find peace and the answer you're looking for. I'm so sorry you're going through this!

Honestly STOP all wedding plaining You should be Happy NOT CRYING yourself to Sleep If You need some one to talk to im here i went threw almost the same thing many years ago Once again im here to Have You a Shoulder to Lean On

I honestly think y'all need to stop planning the wedding. I've been there with my ex, and it didn't end well and he will never change. Sorry babe

View Quoted Comment Yes to all of this!

I think deep down you know the answer, if this is what you are experiencing now and you are just engaged, imagine married, with children and dealing with addiction- not easy. I wouldn’t want my kids to suffer seeing his dad struggling with substance abuse, becoming verbally abuse to them, etc.
Substance abuse is something that’s not easy to overcome unless the person is willing to commit for a change not because of anyone else but himself. Unfortunately, you can make him change, it will take a lot from his part to change. Do you see yourself crying to sleep for an unknown time period? Communication, trust, commitment, etc. play an important part in a successful relationship, he seems not communicating when he goes away and becomes idle; you are losing trust on him since you are wondering... I would put everything on hold and move out from him under the terms he must go to counseling and get the professional help he needs as you don’t see yourself dealing with this for life. I am sure he will need tons of support, you can be there for him.
I understand is very hard as your brain and heart probably are conflicted, go with your brain for the sake of yourself and your relationship.

I think you guys should seek counseling especially if he already has a problem. Whose to say that things will get better or worse when you decided to get married. I would really think about your life right now and see if you really want to be married to someone that is disrespectful and hurtful because of his drinking. You as a person can only do so much and if he doesn’t want to listen then what kind of commitment and communication are you guys having. I would stop the planning and have him see someone before this turns into something bad.

View Quoted Comment I think this advice doesn’t apply to this situation.
This advice is for someone that her FH/H/Partner is not “noticing” his FW/W/etc. Maybe expending too much time in social media, playing video games, hanging out with his buddies, etc.
The post is about someone dealing with a chronic disease which has nothing to do with “dolling up”

I feel like you know it’s wrong and that’s why you put it on here because you’re afraid of what your family will tell you. When you are MARRIED is when “through thick and thin” kicks in. You aren’t married yet and this is a major problem for you. You need to stop planning, speak to him and see if he’s serious about changing and then go to counseling if he is. If he gets better, and I mean for a period of time, you can pick up on wedding planning...but you can be at home crying everyday because he’s mistreating you and hurting you. That’s not ok. You have to respect yourself enough to know that he’s not respecting you. I pray it all works out for you.

There’s a lot of good advice in this thread.
You absolutely need to postpone this wedding for YOUR own mental health.

You alone cannot fix this problem. This problem is bigger than both of you, and bigger than your relationship. It needs to be fixed before you enter into a marriage, and you need some outside help to fix it.

Wish you all the luck. Please don’t forget about yourself and your own well being and happiness.

As a family member of relatives with substance abuse problems and former partners with substance abuse problems I believe from experience this guy will never change. Leave before he hurts you more than he already has. There is a man for you out there that won’t cause you to cry yourself to sleep every night. I promise.

Honestly, I’d kick him out and hope he never comes back. I think he’s bringing you down. Life is too short to cry yourself to sleep multiple times per week. I think you should seek counseling to figure out why you even want to be with someone with such destructive/addictive personality.

It’s better to have a broken engagement over an expensive divorce. I know you love him, but is crying yourself to sleep giving yourself the love you deserve?