Alt name change option (practical and feminist friendly compromise)

No, I wouldn’t. I’m an only child and thought I’d always keep my name, but it’s less and less important now.
I have dual-citizenship so if I really want to keep my maiden, I’ll do it with my 2nd citizenship.
Plus if he wants he can do the same there.

I personally wouldn’t. I want to have my FHs last name. My middle names (yes, there’s already two 😂) hold more family meaning then my last name does. I want our kids to have his last name, but I want middle names to be family names.

I think that's such a great idea and I love that your both doing it! Just a thought since you said you both have family middle names, you could consider hyphenating your middle name. I'm taking FH's last name, but didn't want to drop my maiden name completely nor did I want to replace my middle name so I'm doing First Middle-Maiden New. Just a thought. But I love what you two are doing! And Congrats!

It's not something I'm doing, but this is a beautiful and valid form of name change and honoring each other. I know several couples who have created new last names (not sure what they did with middle names). I had a teacher who took his wife's last name. I know several couples (and friends' parents) who chose a new last name, one couple who combined their last names into a new hybrid name, and another who both hypenated their last names. There are so many options out there so that evey couple can choose something that's right for them! Congrats on finding yours! ❤

When we married 33+ years ago I replaced my middle name with my maiden name and took H's last name, for all the reasons you cited. Legally and professionally I've always used First Maiden H'sLast. Personally, like at daughter's school etc., I've usually been Mrs. H'sLast, because that is my last name and the name we all share. H did not take my Maiden name -- we just never even thought of/considered that (it was 33+ yrs ago... ) and his middle name was his dad's first name, so he would never have given that up -- especially when his dad passed away unexpectedly shortly after our wedding. I really like what you've done and think it is a nice way of combining and recognizing all the family connections. Good job!

I think the most feminist choice is for the wife (assuming a hetero marriage) to whatever she wants or doesn't want to her name. Freedom of choice is the goal, not finding some perfect feminist solution that works for everyone.

My cousin did what OP did (both spouses taking both last names) nearly 20 years ago, and I have known several couples who each hyphenated their names. So I think this option has been popular for awhile.

I changed my last name because I couldn't wait to remove my bio dad's name from my life. Bonus: I upgraded from 11 difficult-to-pronounce letters to 5 simple ones. Other bonus: My new husband actually didn't want me to change my name because he didn't think my first name and his last name sounded good together; I decided I didn't care what he thought.

One final thought: I grew up with a different last name from my mom (she remarried when I was 7) and this caused zero problems despite divorce being much rarer at the time than it is now. I definitely wish that "I'm changing my name so that my kids and I will have the same last name" (i.e., the kids automatically get the husband's last name) wasn't the societal default in the US.

I think it's pretty common to move your maiden name to your middle name, I'm doing this mainly because I hate my middle name but will only go by FH/new last name moving forward. I don't really see how it'd benefit either of us to have him change his middle name. I view hyphenating and changing middle name very different.

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I agree completely that the most feminist solution is for the wife to choose. FH and I have talked about what we planned to do and I already have plays produced under my maiden name. So professionally I'll keep Peterson but, legally I'll change to Schaefer. This is mostly because I like the name Schaefer better. (Schaefer is also common in Minnesota where we live but, it is not nearly as common as Peterson. I graduated with like 8 other Petersons but only met one other family of Schaefer's beside my FH's family). One of my close friends got married last year and she and her husband hyphenated their last names. My mom didn't have to change her name (her maiden name was Peterson) when she married my dad but, she did change it when she married my stepdad.

No woman should be made to think her choice isn't "feminist" enough. Choice is the most feminist solution of all.

So John James Doe marries Jane Susie Smith. He becomes John Smith Doe and she becomes Jane Smith Doe?

It's an interesting idea, though probably not something I would do. In my experience, people's middle names - whether their given middle, or their maiden - generally get ignored. So Jane Doe is effectively Jane Doe, whether she is Jane Smith Doe or Jane Susie Doe. That didn't work for me, so I'm going to hyphenate and become Jane Susie Smith-Doe.

I suspect more people don't do it because the women care more about their own names than their partners', and the maiden name still gets buried.

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Since two comments have hit this point already and I can't seem to edit my post, I'll try to clarify. I absolutely agree that feminism is about doing what's right for you and no one should feel their name choice isn't feminist enough. For me and the way I value myself, my family, and our marriage, this was the only option that felt right. I don't judge anyone for doing differently, I know we all have different feelings and reasons behind whatever we choose to do with our names after marriage. By "feminist friendly compromise", I just mean that it challenges the baseline expectation that only the woman would change her name, yet doesn't completely go against those traditions. I also wanted to include the word "feminist" simply to help other women like me find this idea, since literally nowhere was it considered in the dozens of online sites/forums/articles I looked and the matter weighed on me heavily for a long time. I know there are other women out there for whom this would be the perfect choice, and I'd hate for them to miss it (as nearly happened to me) simply because it was never mentioned!

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Merging names in some way to form a new last name might have been my first choice, though that sounds like it would be a little harder to explain to others (we live in the south...) and changing his last name was a non-starter for my husband haha. Thank you!

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I plan to use all three names in most settings as well, but certainly wouldn't mind being called any combination of them. My mother, though she didn't change hers, never seems to mind being called Mrs. MyFather'sLast. When I explained to her what we were doing she said something similar, "huh, we didn't think of that 30+ years ago " Thank you!

View Quoted Comment Funny, my friend who did it also lives in the south! She probably has to explain ALL the time. 😆

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You've got it right! And yes, it definitely depends how prominent you want your maiden name to be. I think by making it both of our middle names it's a little less likely to be forgotten. Others might ignore my middle name, but I can still enjoy calling him by his new full name. Also, to use your example, I like that we can easily be referred to as "the Smith Does" since we both have both names.

I think you're right that most women don't care as much about their partners' names. I guess I'm just a little different there and wanted something that felt a tad more equal. I get that it isn't for everyone, but I literally have never heard of this being done and wanted to share the idea!

My parents almost did this! In the end my dad just couldn't get rid of his middle name (named after his grandfather who died the week he was born) so only my mom did it, but then my siblings and I all have her maiden name as our middle names.

I think it's great that you posted this to present it as another name change option. A lot of people (straight couples) really don't consider anything other than both partners keep their original names or the woman changes her last.

My plan was to make my maiden name my second middle name, but that ended up not being an option unless I wanted to go through a ton of hoops. I ended up choosing to keep my name and add his, so I have a two part last name instead of a two part middle name. I've never heard my husband use his middle name, so I don't think him changing it would've been especially meaningful to either of us. Our kids will probably have the two part middle names.

I had/have a similar feeling to your last point, "I feel very strongly that by getting married, we are joining each others' families, not just me joining his," but for me it's more about us personally than it is about our families.

I realize that our last names came from our families, but most things about people come from their families in one way or another (even most of your personality comes from a combination of DNA and early life experiences) and they combine to make you who you are. Most parents give their child the last name of the child's father, but they could have to give them a different one. When your parents named you, they gave each of your names to you.

When we were engaged I had a few lines in my head that were related to this. One was that he is not my other half, I have been a complete person since 1989 and I plan to continue being one. I also said multiple times that we were getting married to each other, I wasn't being absorbed by him. I felt like I was gaining something without having to give up a part of myself, and because, I feel like each of my names is a part of me I wanted my new name to reflect that.

No, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want my last name to become a middle name. Middle names aren’t used nearly as often, and my middle name has a lot of meaning behind it. I’m also a teacher, so my last name is often used as my only name.
That said, I’d never change my name to a man’s name. It’s not something I believe in at all whatsoever. Either we both change it to something equal or we both keep our own. There’s no reason I should be the only one changing anything. My identity is just as important.

This is awesome, and it's not the first time I've heard of people making up new last names.

I kept my name, but we smushed our names together for our wedding hashtag, and it seems to be catching on as our couple nickname among our friends.

We both took each others names as well. I, however, am very partial to my middle name. So I am First Middle Maiden-New and my wife is also First Middle New-Maiden (same last name but mine is first hers is second). Neither of us wanted to fully give up our names, so this was a great compromise for us.

That's a cool idea, but no way I could get my husband to agree. I didn't change my name at all. Too much hassle for me (physician) and I personally like mine better anyway. He understood because of the practical sense but I still think he would feel better if I changed it. I told him before we were even engaged to forget about it, though.