To preface this dilemma, I am a very shy, introverted person with hardly any friends. My fiancé, my twin sister Sarah, and our childhood friend Beth are basically my only friends. There are only 39 guests invited to our wedding, excluding me and my fiancé.
I got engaged in August last year to my partner of 8 years. Shortly after, I asked my sister and my childhood friend to be my maid of honor and bridesmaid, respectively. Beth has been dating her boyfriend for close to two years now, and me and my fiancé have occasionally hung out with them together...maybe two or three times. I don't like him at all. He always talks very poorly of his ex-girlfriend, using crude and demeaning language. In fact, don't like the way he talks about women in general. He also gives off man-child vibes and has poor hygiene/manners.
My sister made things exclusive with her boyfriend sometime around October last year. It is important to mention now that my fiancé and I signed our rental contract on October 10th last year for 50 chairs at our wedding. It ended up costing an arm and a leg, and this 50-person rough draft of a guest count did not include Beth or Sarah's boyfriends. However, it did leave room for us to set up a vendor table with the extra chairs. Also important to mention, Sarah's boyfriend has sometimes acted strange around my fiancé. For instance, on me and my sister's birthday, both Sarah's boyfriend and my fiancé were asked to go to the store to pick up some snacks for the night. My fiancé told me that Sarah's boyfriend made him feel stupid when he had a reaction to a car almost hitting his car in the parking lot, and then walked away from him as soon as they stepped inside the store. Another example, my sister made me and my fiancé pick up her boyfriend to join us during a night out. Once we were close to our destination, my fiancé accidentally missed his turn and said this out loud, to which Sarah's boyfriend said, "Just turn up here, it's not that big of a deal dude..." Even I felt small after that condescending comment pointed at my fiancé.
I made it clear to Beth last year that her boyfriend is not invited to my wedding, and there didn't seem to be any hard feelings and I have not heard anything from her about it since. I am almost certain that I told my sister the same thing about her boyfriend then as well. However, about a month ago I made it clear to Sarah again that her boyfriend was not invited. She acted shocked and surprised, and I gave her my reasons why. I didn't say anything about his condescending nature toward my fiancé, but I told her about the rental chairs, and the fact that her attention is 100% on him whenever he's around, as well as how she doesn't yet act like her true self around him because their relationship is so new. To be honest, and I didn't say this, but I would rather not hang out with Sarah at all if her boyfriend is there too. Only very close friends and family are invited to the wedding, and I don't want my maid of honor's attention on her boyfriend the entire night...because I know that would be the case. I told her that I don't want this to come between us, and she was in full agreement. Albeit hurt, she was more concerned with how to break the news to her boyfriend that he is actually not in fact invited. I thought that was the end of it.
Side note-- I live an hour away from my family. My sister sees my mom often, Sarah and Beth live together, and Sarah and Beth are much closer than me and Beth are.
Two weeks ago, I was having dinner with my family. My grandma, my brother and his girlfriend, my mother, Sarah, and Beth were in attendance. My fiancé couldn't make it. Toward the end of dinner, wedding talk inevitably came up. My wedding is on October 11th this year. My mom made an shady comment about "waiting for her whole life to help me pick out my dress," which is a day that she did not attend for reasons irrelevant to the topic at hand. Where is the venue? What time does it start? What is the dress code? Question after question. My brother asked, in front of everyone, if he was apart of the wedding party. After I explained to him as politely as possible that he is not, he came around to my chair and asked if he is walking me down the aisle. I was already uncomfortable by everyone's forwardness, so I simply agreed to let him walk me down the aisle in addition to my mother, even though this is not what I want. Once two or three people had left to go to the bathroom, my mother (two margaritas deep at this point), very abruptly asked why Sarah's boyfriend is not invited to the wedding. I guess Sarah had talked to my mom about this. I tried to tell her my reasons why, but she interrupted me and said "You're joking right? Like this is a joke, right?" I matched her energy and told her that I was not joking and it is my wedding day and my decision. My mother then hugged my brother and his girlfriend goodbye as everyone was slowly returning from the bathroom, and then left the restaurant. My sister, who came back from the bathroom as my mom was leaving, asked what happened. I told her, and then she went on a whole spiel about how I'm going to break her boyfriend's heart, and it's really unfair, and it's going to cause so much pain, and just be "so weird" at family gatherings from now on, and I should really rethink my decision, etc etc. I was very overwhelmed and this was a final straw from me. I got up and left and then drove the hour drive home, crying.
I texted Beth once I got home that dinner went horrible, and I sent her a paragraph about how I was feeling. She left me on read--which is very, very uncharacteristic of her. The next day I called my mom and we made up. I tried to call Beth once and Sarah twice, but neither of them picked up. This went on for two days. They simply ignored me for two days when I wanted to communicate and mend things. Eventually I got individual "we will talk in person" texts from them. This was so strange to me because we have previously had serious conversations over the phone, especially because I live an hour away. Also, I had no idea why Beth was looping herself into a matter that didn't even concern her. On the third day of being completely boxed out, I sent them a long text in our group chat. Sarah was not happy with what I had to say--basically that it is my wedding day and the only opinion/decision that matters is mine and my fiancé's. She expressed her opinion in a couple of texts, but mainly kept reiterating that we will "talk in person." Beth called me back finally, and I asked her why she's being this way with me. She told me that she's upset with me because I didn't ask her how she was feeling after dinner the other night...I was at a lost for words! I still cannot figure out what her feelings have to do with the tension between me and my family. In addition to this, she was also quite rude to me and I have never heard her talk that way with anyone before. Not in the 12 years that I've been friends with her. She asked why I was being so guarded and I told her that I'm upset because I felt like her and Sarah were ganging up on me, to which she responded, "Yeah you're always upset." She also said, "I don't know how else to explain something so small to you." When trying to get me to understand Sarah's side of the story.
Later that night, my brother asked to call me. Once on the phone, he essentially yelled at me for 15 minutes about not inviting Sarah's boyfriend. I hardly got a word in, as he wouldn't let me talk or explain. He said that I am being so selfish and that I'm a bridezilla. My brother and I aren't that close. Growing up with a twin, it was always me and Sarah and then my brother. He's never really talked to me like that before. We haven't even fought at all since we were kids. His comments hurt me tremendously. He even said "Oh so is [his girlfriend] not invited because Sarah's boyfriend isn't??" Him and his girlfriend have been dating for nearly 5 years, I think she is lovely, and she had always been on the guest list.
Sarah eventually called me 5 days after that dinner. I let her talk and did not interrupt her once. She basically repeated everything she had said to me before. Once I began talking, I was interrupted and talked over. I still could barely get a word in. Sarah was started getting really upset with me for not budging on my decision to not invite her boyfriend, even going as far as to say "What would Dad say to you right now?" Our dad passed away in 2022. She kept going, saying that I'm asking her to choose between me and her boyfriend. The conversation ended on a bad note and we haven't talked since.
I'm mainly shocked by everyone's behavior about this. I know my wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, but it feels soiled right now. The only two people in my wedding party are boxing me out. I don't even know if I want anyone up there with me anymore. I'm sick of hearing from them that the day is about my family too. I'm sorry, but it's not. It's a day about me and the love of my life. We are paying for everything and doing everything to make this day happen. I wish my family would just be supportive and keep whatever opinions they have to themselves. Two out of my only three friends are ignoring me, and I feel very isolated right now. I haven't spoken to my brother since our phone call, and my mother keeps flip-flopping her opinion and attitude about the whole thing.
I'm not asking if I should invite my maid of honor's boyfriend. My sister has walked over me my entire life and has manipulated everyone around her into getting what she wants for as long as I can remember. I'm not giving into her this time, because this is my day. I guess what I'm asking is--do I deserve this treatment? Am I being a "bridezilla"--or is that just a term thrown at women who know what they want?
Please be kind, I'm fragile right now. Lol.
