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Just Said Yes December 2021

Am i overreacting?

Mel, on January 1, 2021 at 10:19 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 32

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Hi fellow future brides,
I’m dealing with a situation with my fiancé and need advise. He recently received a text on his birthday from a girl who was in one of his classes in grad school about 2 semesters ago. I saw the message because I was trying to show him something on his phone I had sent him earlier in the day. The girl had texted him “Happy Birthday! I hope you had a great day!”. Normally I’d consider this innocent, but I noticed the “do not disturb” sign was next to her name. For those with iPhones you know it’s the little half moon sign, which silences alerts so they will not pop up on the phone. This is what upset me. Why would he have to silence alerts from this person? I questioned my fiancé about it and at first he became a bit defensive and said he doesn’t know why she texted him. I told him this made me uncomfortable seeing the do not disturb sign next to her name and he said he’s surprised she even texted him happy birthday, because they are not close according to him. I never hear him speak of her. I do remember them texting once before about school related things when they were in the same class. He mentioned he recently asked her a few questions about the dissertation project. He also said he never told her when his birthday was, however they are friends on Facebook. He just doesn’t understand why she couldn’t just write happy birthday on Facebook. I’m trying not to feel insecure and worry about this, but I can’t stop but think and worry about why he had Do Not Disturb on for her texts. When I asked him why Do Not Disturb feature was on, he said he didn’t know... he said it may have turned on accidentally when he tried to delete her texts. He has a history of deleting texts from everyone except me or his mom. I just don’t know what to think. Am I overreacting?

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32 Comments

Latest activity by Vicky, on January 2, 2021 at 10:08 PM

Devoted October 2021
Chantelle · on January 1, 2021 at 10:30 AM
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Honestly I have accidentally put Do Not Disturb on iMessage threads or text messages many times. It’s literally a swipe and slight touch so it’s an easy accident on an iPhone. If it were me I would just drop it. I understand that you’re a little suspect of this and maybe a gut feeling is creeping up, but if your partner hasn’t actually done anything that warrants he is being shady with you, just drop it. Choose your battles.
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Super January 2021
Sharonda · on January 1, 2021 at 10:38 AM
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I agree with Chantelle. Honestly, I’d be more concerned if he was overly protective of his phone or acted jumpy about you using or touching his phone in the first place as if he had something to hide. That doesn’t sound like the case, so I’d let it go.
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VIP November 2021
Allie · on January 1, 2021 at 10:42 AM
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Do you have reason to believe he is doing something behind your back? Like has he been acting suspicious, cheated in the past, etc.? As Chantelle said, I've put Do Not Disturb on MANY times by mistake without knowing it, it's a simple mistake to make. It doesn't sound like she was saying anything concerning either by just wishing him a happy birthday. If you are concerned because he's done something in the past, that's a different story completely.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on January 1, 2021 at 10:42 AM
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Has he ever given you a reason to believe that anything could be going on that you were unaware of? I don't have an iPhone anymore, but when I did it was pretty easy to put on Do Not Disturb. I think if he was hiding something he probably wouldn't have given you his phone in the first place. People that are finding things usually don't handle over devices that could get them caught.
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Just Said Yes December 2021
Mel · on January 1, 2021 at 10:42 AM
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His phone is always unlocked, but sometimes he does act a little jumpy. Or at least I feel he does. He will try to playfully pull the phone back. We have been together almost 7 years, and early on in the relationship there was shady behavior that occurred with the phone and social media. It’s taken me a long time to work past that. We are older and at a different place now, but due to the past, situations like this with the phone or social media can put me in a bad place mentally if I overthink them.
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Just Said Yes December 2021
Mel · on January 1, 2021 at 10:43 AM
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We’ve been together 7 years and yes unfortunately there was shady behavior that occurred with the phone and social media. So my antenna of course went up.
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Just Said Yes December 2021
Mel · on January 1, 2021 at 10:48 AM
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There was shady behavior early in the relationship with the phone and social media. No physical cheating ever from what I know. We have been together 7 years, it taken me years to work through it. My concern is his habit of deleting texts from people. I just wonder if I would have ever even seen that text if he had deleted it before I got to see it. He had not yet responded to her when I saw it.
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VIP November 2021
Allie · on January 1, 2021 at 10:52 AM
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I can understand that. Did this happen recently or at the beginning of the relationship? I ask because if he hasn't been acting that way recently, then maybe it really was just an honest mistake. If he's been starting to display some of those behaviors again, I'd start moving forward cautiously and see how you can figure out what's going on. Would he be willing to show you the entire conversation? I know you said he likes to delete messages (which is a little suspect too, in my opinion), but if there was anything there that he didn't get to and you put him on the spot, you might get a clearer answer as to what is going on just based on his reaction.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on January 1, 2021 at 10:53 AM
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It is very strange that he deletes texts from people. What was he previously do on his phone and social media that made you uncomfortable? I know when I first started dating my husband his ex messaged him wanting to hang out and even said something about staying over at his house. He was honest with her that he didn't think it would be appropriate and he immediately told me she wanted to hang out and possibly stay over at his house, but he shut it down.
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Just Said Yes December 2021
Mel · on January 1, 2021 at 11:06 AM
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In the beginning of the relationship he used to lock his phone and put it face down and that bothered me. Months later we discussed it and he stopped locking the phone. But that’s when I noticed his habit of deleting texts. I questioned it and he said it was just a habit, he liked to clear things and didn’t like too many texts opened. When we were dating in the beginning, he did not add me on Facebook right away. I obviously checked out his page and went through his friends list, so I knew how many friends he had. A lot were girls. I decided to add him on Facebook, and it took him a while to accept. But once he did I noticed his friends list dropped tremendously. He had deleted a bunch of girls before accepting my request. He also had an Instagram page that he never told me about. I ended up finding it, and I saw he was commenting inappropriately on a Specific girls photo that went to the same undergrad university. Ex.) her sunset beach Photo- he would comment “I wish I could be there then added a wink face” or just commenting about her looks on her pictures. This was all after we were already official. We almost broke up over the secret Instagram thing. Like I said, there were issues early on and these insecure feelings are coming to haunt me.
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Rockstar December 2022
Michelle · on January 1, 2021 at 11:18 AM
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Honestly some people take social media way too seriously. As pp have said, phones are very sensitive and can change settings all the time without you realizing it. I would let this go. If you can't, maybe you need to reevaluate the relationship.
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on January 1, 2021 at 11:21 AM
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I think you're overreacting, especially because it was literally just a happy birthday text. Have you had issues with infidelity with him in the past? If so then I can see why it bothered you but if not then I wouldn't stress it. I personally wouldn't care about the do not disturb I would look at it as my husband doesn't want to be bothered with this person, but again we've never had trust issues ever. He honestly could've did it by mistake though, it's so easy to do.
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VIP August 1997
Belle · on January 1, 2021 at 11:52 AM
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I remember those days we had no phone or internet 😂 life was way less “suspicious”! Honestly, I delete a lot of texts, and mute my notifications. Why? Because sometimes my conversation is too private. Like woman to woman talking about female stuff. Or my besties and I talk about our husbands and kids. I don’t want my husband to know 100%. Some are someone’s privacy they want to share with me but not my dh, and some are things that would make my dh paranoid because that his nature of thinking. My dh deleted chats too, but knowing him this long, I would never suspect he is cheating. He is just not that type. You know your fiancé better. Trust your gut, observe, and don’t rush to a judgment.
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Super January 2021
Sharonda · on January 1, 2021 at 12:00 PM
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I always tend to automatically go the negative perspective too so I completely understand. But if he had something to hide, he could lock his phone and would have done so long ago. Try not to sweat this.
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Master July 2019
Hannah Online · on January 1, 2021 at 12:19 PM
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I don't really see anything wrong with the current behavior. However, the Instagram thing you mentioned from before would also make me uncomfortable. I think the biggest thing here though is the fact that you have alarm bells going off. Trust is foundational in a relationship, especially when heading into marriage. Regardless of whether or not he is doing something shady, the fact you perceive it as such is something of importance. I would personally want to work on the trust in the relationship, especially with your wedding coming up at the end of the year. Now is the perfect time to start working through anything either of you have buried for awhile to ensure that you start your marriage off on solid ground.
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Just Said Yes December 2021
Mel · on January 1, 2021 at 1:53 PM
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Well he officially admitted to me that he put her on do not disturb on purpose. So he lied to me saying it was accidental. He said he did it to “mitigate risk” and avoid an argument if I saw texts from her. I questioned why she would have to be put on do not disturb if she is not a risk to our relationship. I asked wouldn’t the texts be solely school related or something completely innocent? His response was “probably”. Not yes. Of course I became upset over that. The trust issues have come back to haunt me once again. I suggested therapy. I’m just not in a good mind set. I feel terrible this is how we’ve started the new year.
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Just Said Yes December 2021
Mel · on January 1, 2021 at 2:07 PM
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What do I do now? Struggling with major trust issues now that he admitted he put her on Do Not Disturb purpose. He said he did it to avoid arguments, in case I would have gotten upset seeing her texts pop up due to trust issues We have had in the last. It just doesn’t make sense to me why he would put her on do not disturb if she’s not a threat. Obviously I don’t trust him now and I need confirmation and validation she really isn’t a threat. Do I confront the girl myself? From my Facebook? From his phone? Do I have him say something to her?
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Rockstar July 2022
Lisa Online · on January 1, 2021 at 2:15 PM
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Personally, I wouldn't confront her or reach out to her. I would recommend that you insist that you both attend couples counseling together to work these trust issues out, and I would also put wedding planning on hold until things get worked out and improve.
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on January 1, 2021 at 3:48 PM
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I didn't read others' comments but many pplput someone on do not disturb by mistake
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VIP August 2020
Katie · on January 1, 2021 at 9:21 PM
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Hi Mel! Take a deep breath and understandably so, it is an emotional situation. Try to give yourself time to center before doing anything too rash. Journaling helps me clear my thoughts and organize my feelings. Food for thought is communicating expectations on both sides. For example, do either of you think it would be appropriate to have lunch with the opposite sex alone? Expectations on the opposite sex texting or calling? Certain situations ok and others would need to be discussed? Understanding each other’s comfort levels is important. Good luck girl - it’s going to be ok 😘
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