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Just Said Yes December 2021

Am i overreacting?

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Mel, on January 1, 2021 at 10:19 AM

Hi fellow future brides,
I’m dealing with a situation with my fiancé and need advise. He recently received a text on his birthday from a girl who was in one of his classes in grad school about 2 semesters ago. I saw the message because I was trying to show him something on his phone I had sent him earlier in the day. The girl had texted him “Happy Birthday! I hope you had a great day!”. Normally I’d consider this innocent, but I noticed the “do not disturb” sign was next to her name. For those with iPhones you know it’s the little half moon sign, which silences alerts so they will not pop up on the phone. This is what upset me. Why would he have to silence alerts from this person? I questioned my fiancé about it and at first he became a bit defensive and said he doesn’t know why she texted him. I told him this made me uncomfortable seeing the do not disturb sign next to her name and he said he’s surprised she even texted him happy birthday, because they are not close according to him. I never hear him speak of her. I do remember them texting once before about school related things when they were in the same class. He mentioned he recently asked her a few questions about the dissertation project. He also said he never told her when his birthday was, however they are friends on Facebook. He just doesn’t understand why she couldn’t just write happy birthday on Facebook. I’m trying not to feel insecure and worry about this, but I can’t stop but think and worry about why he had Do Not Disturb on for her texts. When I asked him why Do Not Disturb feature was on, he said he didn’t know... he said it may have turned on accidentally when he tried to delete her texts. He has a history of deleting texts from everyone except me or his mom. I just don’t know what to think. Am I overreacting?

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32 Comments

Lisa · on January 2, 2021 at 11:18 AM
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I too would have a trust issue with my fiancé if he knowingly hid something from you, especially since your concerns were discussed and an agreement made. He broke your trust ... again. This is not subjective but a fact.
Your issue is not with the girl but with your fiancé.
Think about how you want to spend your time with him ... for the rest of your life.
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Master 0000
Judith · on January 2, 2021 at 11:32 AM
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Yes, you are over-reacting.
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Expert December 2020
Kayse · on January 2, 2021 at 11:42 AM
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I think it's odd that he was deliberately trying to hide her texts from you to avoid an argument. Why is he even texting with her if he thinks it would upset you?
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Master 0000
Judith · on January 2, 2021 at 11:49 AM
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When you are engaged, or marry someone, you do not gain the right to know every person they talk with or write to, or the content of those communications. That is over controlling behavior, a step from being abusive, as over time it cuts them away from others and isolates them. People benefit from the easy communication between long term acquaintances and friends. Pehaps the only reason he has developed a habit of hiding is because in the past she has persistently invaded his harmless communications and violated his expectation that his calls, texts, and letters, and any thoughts he shares with others and not her, are private. He needs a phone with face recognition software, set up to splat her with eau de skunk every time she looks into his phone. What you refer to as a past history of bad behavior, I see as his reasonable right to privacy.
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Master 0000
Judith · on January 2, 2021 at 12:01 PM
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Why shouldn't he text 15 people if he wants to? Some people are talkative, in voice or in writing. Some people flirt harmlessly at the water cooler or on the bus, and it is no one's business but their own as long as it is welcome, and does not cross marriage vows. There is no " I promise not to communicate with anyone or have any friendships without frequent review and express permission of my SO or spouse" in the marriage vows. When men cut off women from communicating due to the man having to know and approve everything, we call it over-controlling and abusive, even if no assault is involved. Why do you think it is okay for her to invade his privacy and call him to account for anything vaguely friendly or positive?
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Expert August 2022
Cassi · on January 2, 2021 at 1:27 PM
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I agree with previous comments of picking your battles. I totally understand the speculation tho and if you honestly haven’t had issues with trust and dishonesty then don’t over think it. If you go looking you’ll always find things but I believe things surface when necessary so just be aware but not reach. 😊♥️Good luck!!
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on January 2, 2021 at 2:05 PM
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If you have trust issues, regardless of whether they are justified, this may not be the relationship for you. There is no relationship without trust.

On one hand, I can see why your gut would react the way that it did, because of what happened years ago. Commenting on other people's photos in an overtly flirty way is creepy and gross. On the other hand, what happened years ago elicited a very strong reaction from you, and you clearly can't let it go. It was so many years ago, when he was younger and immature. I think your bf turned off the alerts genuinely to avoid conflict with you.
It's going to get exhausting for the both of you. You are hypersensitive to any inappropriate conduct by him, and you overreact in response. He is hypersensitive to your potential reaction, and he overcorrects in anticipation of your overreaction. His overcorrection makes you even more suspicious. This is a vicious cycle.
This is not a healthy relationship dynamic. It is absolute misery for the both of you.
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Master 0000
Judith · on January 2, 2021 at 2:47 PM
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This is a public board, and when you post, it is read and commented on by all. If you want only the original poster to respond, you may use the message system. You seem to think it perfectly okay for her to go through his texts and messages, and challenge anything she wants, even a Happy Birthday message. Under the law, as well as in my mind, that is his private communication, unless he hands her the phone and says, you have my permission. And I disagreed with your post, which is different from being nasty to you. You question why hubby hides things. When she clearly says, she has gone through his phone, his private communications, before. She should not go through his stuff, then he would not need to hide anything. His phone, his privacy.
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VIP July 2017
Becky · on January 2, 2021 at 2:52 PM
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I think it may be the way you write your posts. I, too, have read your responses to people, many of which are condescending, pedantic, and, as she put it, not very nice. You have the right to your opinion, and I don't necessarily disagree with it (while I have open access to H's phone, I don't go through it - because I trust him, and checking up on him is unhealthy for both of us). However, your responses - and I think she may be responding to more than just this particular instance - often read as though you've decided that the rest of us are morons.
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Expert December 2020
Kayse · on January 2, 2021 at 6:26 PM
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Exactly. Thank you. I simply stated that I thought the behavior the OP described was odd and asked a question. I also think that operating under the assumption that the OP is some kind of controlling harpy is not very nice.
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Devoted October 2021
Kk · on January 2, 2021 at 8:12 PM
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Why did you not like when he used to turn off his screen and put his phone face down? That honestly sounds a little controlling to me.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on January 2, 2021 at 10:08 PM
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No, you should not contact her, either directly or through him. This is a relationship issue between you and him. Leave her out of it. You need to work out your trust issues with your partner.
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