Am i wrong?

I'm sure this isn't the answer you want to hear, but yes, you are definitely in the wrong. I agree with your mom that downsizing is the best move.

1. Weddings are not fundraisers. Have the wedding you can afford. If that means downsizing, then downsize. Or get creative. Consider having a Sunday brunch wedding or even having your wedding during a non-meal time followed by a short reception with cake and punch.

2. Couples are a package deal. Guests should not be invited without their spouse or SO. I would definitely decline a wedding if my husband were not invited.

3. Everybody invited to the ceremony needs to be invited to the reception. This would definitely be a dealbreaker in my book.

Sorry OP, but you've committed some pretty substantial faux pas here.

Zola (and maybe WW, I haven't checked) love pushing cash registries for the honeymoon, house-buying after the wedding, etc. As someone that works in the wedding industry, this is still viewed as super rude, though I know certain guests' minds are beginning to change. Though, I've never encountered a "help us plan the wedding" fund. That's... not cool. No one is magically entitled to a fully-funded wedding and you should always pay for what you can afford.

The biggest thing here, though, is not allowing for spouses of significant others. I'd absolutely decline a wedding invite if my fiancé (soon to be husband, used to be boyfriend) weren't invited. In fact, I have. Couples are a social unit and should be invited as such. If you have limited space, it's absolutely pertinent for you to take significant others into consideration when planning your initial guest list.

I let a wedding invite that didn't include my SO slide when we just-newly dating, but it's crazy rude not to recognize a significant relationship when you're asking people to come and celebrate your significant relationship.

I hate to agree with outsiders on these things, but I have to agree with your mom on downsizing. Have you sent save the dates out yet? Do you know the capacity of your venue?

edited: I missed the reception-only part. Sigh. That's rude, too.

View Quoted Comment Yes, we know the capacity of the venue. Unfortunately, it won’t accommodate for everyone so that’s why we decided on not allowing plus ones. I already sent out save the dates. I just thought they wouldn’t mind since the ceremony is when they actually see me get married.

I agree with your mom that downsizing sounds like the right way to go. It's absolutely fine to have a small, simple wedding. It's fine to elope, or just invite immediate family to the courthouse and then go out for an inexpensive lunch afterwards. There are all kinds of weddings and there's a lot of room to get creative with a small budget.

But it's not ok to ask people (guests? friends? family? I'm not clear who you are asking for money from) for money for a completely optional party. Of course you aren't literally forcing anyone to give you money, but it can indeed sometimes hurt to ask. You may damage relationships or put people off by asking. Or people may give you money because they feel obligated, but they might talk behind your back or get upset if they see you spending money on something else. And how could you possibly even plan a wedding without knowing what your budget is from the start? So, nothing about your link on your website is a good idea.

And if you can't afford to host a wedding, I wouldn't ALSO ask for money for your honeymoon. You and your future spouse need to decide what your priorities are. If the honeymoon is important, elope and save your money for your vacation. If celebrating with loved ones is important, plan a small wedding and reception and put the honeymoon on hold until you can save up for it.

Can you cancel your venue and move to a local park and community center? Those are very budget friendly with generous capacity. They provide tables nd chairs so you can have a favorite restaurant deliver catering inexpensively. Or just have cake and punch. Get flowers and cake from the grocery store.


Do not ask guests for money. Set up a registry for gifts you need and want.
For a honeymoon, maybe do a road trip to somewhere you want to visit.

View Quoted Comment

Significant others are not plus ones - they should be invited guests. Plus ones are offered by the discretion of the couple to truly, truly single guests. If you don't want to provide plus ones (as in, you don't want to give single friends/family members the options to bring a date) that's okay.

It's not okay to exclude significant others from the guest list because you miscalculated. Couples should be factored in from the beginning.

The reception is a thank-you party for people attending your ceremony. It's not cool to tell people "you're not special enough to watch us get married, but you can come hang out after" which typically expresses they should still send a gift. That's called a tiered reception and it's not cool.

Please re-think this. I think it would be wise to scrape your plan and start over, as PP mentioned. Please don't ask people for money, shaft their significant others, and make a tiered reception.

Since this is just about every major wedding faux pas I can think of, I would honestly scrap all of your plans and start over from scratch. First, you need to determine a budget that YOU can afford without relying on guests to help you out. It's fine to have a honeymoon fund as part of your registry later on, but no guests should be funding your wedding itself. Once you have a budget and you have determined what you can afford, find a venue within your budget that can accommodate all of your guests. This needs to include significant others. Significant others are not plus ones. Plus ones are for truly single people (think random Tinder dates) and you don't have to include those. As a PP suggested, community centers and public parks are great budget friendly ideas. Park permits are very cheap to obtain and with most community centers you can use any caterer you want. Finally, you do need to make sure that all guests invited to the ceremony are also invited to the reception. The reception is the thank you for your guests, so it would be very rude to force some guests to leave after the ceremony. If none of these options seem feasible, then consider hosting a cake and punch reception and/or downsizing. Or, there is nothing wrong with eloping.

Yes, you are in the wrong. You should not be linking anything for people to pay for your wedding - you are the host of the event you pay for it. If you can’t afford it, you downsize. If people are a couple you invite the entire couple no exceptions.

I’m sorry to add to the fire, but agree with everyone above. The guest list should’ve been determined based on what the venue would hold. I don’t mean, well Jane is my friend but not her fiancé John, so we will just invite Jane. If you are asking people to come celebrate your union and the importance of solidifying it, you should give them the same respect for their relationship.


It’s tough. I have friends I’m not inviting because I don’t have room due to SO of family members/bridal party. I added them to the “B” list so that should some decline the invite I can extend it to them. I also knew I’d have to make the choice when we picked our venue and it had a smaller size limitation.
If you’re set on the venue, scale your budget and party size to accommodate. Also, I hear you when you say that “the ceremony is where they watch you get married”, but the idea is for them to spend the entire day celebrating YOU. inviting them to just one piece implies that they aren’t important enough to you to be involved in the intimate celebration. I don’t think this is your intention by any means. You can tell that you meant no harm, but unfortunately years of etiquette and tradition are fighting against you.

My very first thought when I read this was just wow. It amazes me that anyone would think any of these things are okay. I have to agree with the previous comments and your mom. You are 100% wrong.

1. I can't imagine why anyone would think it is ok to post a link asking for money to pay for their wedding or honeymoon. It isn't up to anyobe besides the couple to pay for these things. If you can't afford the type of wedding you are envisioning then you either need to postpone your wedding to save up money so that you can afford what you are envisioning or downsize. Also a honeymoon is optional so if you don't have the money for a honeymoon then skip it or go at another time.
2. Significant others/spouses should most definitely be invited. Before you picked this venue and sent out save the dates, you should have made a guest list which included everyone you wanted to invite and their significant others/spouses and made sure the venue could hold that many people. If the venue could accommodate the number of people you wanted to invite then you needed to downsize your guest list, but not by cutting significant others/spouses, or pick a different venue.
3. It is beyond rude to tell guests they can attend the ceremony but not the reception. The point of the reception is to thank guests for attending your ceremony.

Oh my. I want to be as nice as possible, but there’s really just no other way to say it other than yes, you are in the wrong. On literally everything.
1. You never fund raise for your wedding. It’s rude and incredibly tacky.
2. Couples are social units (not “plus ones”) and should ALWAYS be invited together3. Every single guest who is invited to the ceremony should also be invited to the reception. It is in extremely poor taste to invite people to take time out of their schedules to attend the free portion of an event, but then exclude them from the part that is designed to thank them (by properly hosting them at the reception). You need to remove the fund raising portion of your wedding website and find a larger venue that can accommodate all your guests AND their significant others asap. Otherwise you need to either downsize the event or postpone until you can save the funds needed to properly host your guests and their SOs.

View Quoted Comment Every single thing mentioned here is 1000% correct!!!

Yes, you are definitely in the wrong. You would be better off scrapping all of your plans and starting over afresh. Plan the event you can afford, inviting all your guests with their SOs to the entire event, and don't ask people for money for your wedding.

Please listen to all PPs. They have been very gentle and diplomatic with their responses. There are many ways, as suggested, that you can have a wedding within your budget without turning it into a socially unacceptable fundraiser.

Yes, you are wrong. For every reason mentioned by others.

I’m sorry hun, I have to agree with what everyone is saying.....you don’t ask guests to fund your wedding, you don’t ban guests from bringing spouses and you don’t invite people to a ceremony and then tell them they can’t come to the reception. You either have a wedding you can afford in full, wait until you can afford it or do a small micro wedding with just close family. I don’t am to be harsh but you may lose friends with your current plans. Good Luck

Not to add to the chorus, but yes you are incorrect on every level and like a pp suggested, scrap everything and start over with a simple ceremony for family only and a dinner or lunch. Getting married and having a wedding of size is an OTPIONAL life choice that no one but the bride and groom (or bride/bride, groom/groom) is required to pay for. Please do not set up any kind of funding site to pay for a honeymoon or anything else. Some people will die on that hill but it is still super tacky. Best wishes.

It is tacky to suggest to your guests that they should fund your wedding, even voluntarily. Plan the wedding you can afford or postpone until you can afford the wedding you want.

You absolutely never invite someone without their SO. You are asking your guests to honor and celebrate your relationship, while simultaneously saying theirs don't matter. You would not appreciate being invited somewhere without your spouse (you might not think so now, but trust me, your opinion will change - before I got married, I never thought I would be bothered by my husband not being invited with me, but now I will not attend any event to which he is not invited as well, and he won't attend any event to which I'm not invited, either.) If those who are telling you they "can't come" are among those who were invited without their SOs, your mother is right - that is exactly why they are declining. If the issue is capacity, then you chose the wrong venue for your guest list.

And not only can you not invite your friends' spouses, but you also can't even host them for a reception afterward? And you are also asking them to help pay for... a reception they aren't invited to?

Your mother is right. Your options are:
1. Cut the guest list. Anyone you can't afford to host for the reception should not be invited to the ceremony. This sounds like it will also solve the issue of friends whose SOs aren't welcome.
2. Change the venue to one that can accommodate everyone, and change the time to a non-meal time so you can serve light refreshments like punch and cake.
3. Postpone until you can afford to host everyone. You will still need to find a new venue that will allow you to welcome your friends' SOs if you choose this option.

How about sharing with us what the most important things are to you when you think of what you want for a wedding.
And then give us a pretty good idea of what you think you have to spend on the day.
From there, maybe others can give you some thoughts on what they would consider.
Also - is the venue already booked and what fees will you incur if you cancel.

View Quoted Comment I agree. Weddings are a luxury not a necessity. You plan a wedding you can afford without asking for money. And without cutting SOs off the list. If these friends aren't important enough to you to invite them to the whole wedding and invite their SOs then you should just cut them off the guest list all together. People in relationships are a package deal and need to be treated like the social unit they are. You can't expect people to be cool with you disregarding their relationship while celebrating yours regardless of your reason behind it. I agree with others you have time to scrap this idea and start over.