Angry daughter

Oof. That's tough. I'm sure you feel very torn. I dont know the circumstances of this, but no matter what, she's an impressionable early teenager. I'm sure she is struggling a lot and maybe you're being the adult when her father may not be. Maybe counseling just you and her? Maybe have fiancee back off a little for now? We we're all that age once; hormones raging, hearing different things ..her dad may he manipulating her and so she is struggling. You make sure you make yourself happy and tell her (if you choose) that you can separate the relationships because that's just what you may have to do for now. Keep loving her, shell come around eventually. Good luck. Hugs

Thank you! She refuses to go to counseling with me. I have tried many times. She was going because I was making her but now won’t even do that. My fiancé doesn’t usually come around if she is there. However, we end up walking on egg shells around her. She likes to control the situation and yes is very manipulated by her dad

My best and only advice is this: Make it clear to her that if your relationship with her disappears, it was her choice. You love her. You want to have a relationship with her. But you also deserve to be happy, and feel loved by your FH. She cannot bully you into cutting ties with someone who would never dream of cutting her out of your life, someone who makes you feel loved and valued. You want to continue to have a relationship with her, but it is her choice.

My reasoning with this is, many teens that go through similar things are trying to make it seem like its your choice and you are the one ending the relationship, when really, they are the ones choosing to cut ties. Do not let her delude herself to believe you don't love her, and that this is not that at all.

Sorry you’re going through this 😐 Your post is way too short to be able to understand the complexity of the situation. There could be so many reasons why she is behaving this way. You blaming your ex (no matter how manipulative he is) for relationship with your daughter is counterproductive & will not help solve anything. How was your relationship before your FH came into picture? It sounds like she doesn’t live with you? How long ago did you split with her father? Does she (for whatever reason, I’m not saying it’s justified) blame you for the end of that relationship? Does she secretly hope you two could get back together & sees your FH as an obstacle to that? What did you do since month ago when she told you that she won’t have relationship with you, to make relationship between all 3 of you better? From her perspective it might look like you just don’t care about her opinion or her feelings & you got engaged less than a month after she told you something so drastic.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t live your life with your FH, of course you should. But if you really care about relationship with your daughter, it’s your responsibility, as an adult, to help her come to terms with all this. Children of divorced parents can suffer immensely, many of them actually need counseling. So even if she doesn’t want to go to counseling with you, she should still go by herself. You also need to repair relationship with your ex, to be at least functional & cordial. These issues have many layers. Don’t just throw it all away by saying your ex is manipulative & your daughter likes to control the situation. You have a role to play in all this. She is still a child. You three are the adults. Good luck!

View Quoted Comment I agree with this comment. I think it would be good to listen to why she doesnt want to hive him a chance. Divorce is such a tricky subject in that age so she might be dealing with trying to understand why you and your ex had to break up, on top of that all the crazy hormones teenagers face in this time of their life.

At least if you talk to her about that, and reassure her that you'll always love her, she has no excuse to say otherwise, and maybe as she grows older and starts to see the bigger picture, she'll understand better.

What she also told you "if you have a future with him you can't have a relationship with me" is manipulative language. Dont give up! Maybe take things slowly and as she sees how much you guys love each other and how much your fiance cares for you and her, hopefully she'll start to warm up!

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on it's own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

We can tell from your post that as a mother, you definitely love your daughter and want to keep a relationship with her! I'm sorry you have to go through this and I know it's very hard and feels devastating. Wishing you all the best!

Have you considered asking her why she doesn't like him?

Your relationship with your daughter should take priority, obviously.

There’s obviously not enough information in your post to really know why your daughter feels this way, and I don’t think blaming your ex is helping. She told you if you continued seeing your FH you wouldn’t have a relationship with her. You got engaged and now she won’t talk to you. She warned you this would happen and you chose not to listen to her/believe her/take her at her word. I don’t know you and I don’t know your daughter, but I do have a daughter from a previous marriage. I can’t imagine choosing my relationship with FH over my relationship with my daughter.

I'd definitely recommend you and your daughter getting at least mediation to work through her rejection of your relationship! Not to fuel any anxieties, but the same situation happened with multiple friends of mine, whose kids then refused to turn up at the wedding and haven't seen them since (no mediation or therapy sought at any point). Encouraging her to see eye-to-eye with you in a safe space ASAP is probably the best thing for your relationship, save it become irreparable. I agree with Iva that blaming your ex isn't helpful-- telling someone they're being manipulated will make them very unreceptive!

It's so so wrong for people to think that you should sacrifice your relationship with your fiance when it's your daughter's ultimatum, not yours... not that that makes it any less difficult to figure out what to do. Nobody should have to choose between loved ones, but if it's her choice, you can't let other people give you the blame for it! There's a responsibility to try to fix things, but no need to sacrifice your relationship at someone else's whim.

View Quoted Comment My ex is a narcissist who turned my girls against me a long time ago even before we were divorced. He has given them total control and power in issues they should be protected from. My 18 year old has seen his ways and now lives with me. Since my 14 year old has and still does even before FH is extremely disrespectful including calling me names and likes to have control. To me she can’t give me that ultimatum of choosing because that is a way she can be in control. She has never seen a healthy relationship with my ex. I have a very loving and respectful relationship with my FH that I just want her to be exposed to so she can see what a healthy relationship is supposed to be. I don’t feel at all that I am choosing my FH over her because my time with her is my time with her. Me being a mom has always come first. Even when he’s not around which is maybe once a month if she is there she still doesn’t want to spend any time with me.

View Quoted Comment Please know I say nothing about my ex to her or blame him out loud. However, he has tried to alienate my daughters from me since the beginning and if anyone knows what it is like to deal with a narcissist understands what I mean. I’ve tried to get her to counseling but my ex tells her she will be brainwashed and doesn’t have to go. Therefore, she refuses. I would love nothing more than for her to go! Any suggestions on getting her there? I’ve tried to not give it an option and that backfired on me as well.

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Does she get along well with her sister? Or maybe another relative? Even if she won't go to therapy or mediation with you, she might be willing to with another family member or close friend. Distancing yourself from the situation might be best-- if she feels you're trying to smother her, finding someone else who can come from a place of concern (not to play telephone, but to genuinely hear her out) might make it easier for her to get some feelings off her chest. I'm so sorry you're going through this.