Annoyed with Fiancé...

Different people communicate love and affection in different ways. To him, it could be more about attention/affection than the sex itself.

I recommend you both read this book: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

I second the notion to read 5 Love Languages! It sounds like you both just have different ways of communicating love. It can be worked out, don't worry!

You can be affectionate in ways other than sex. Sitting next to each other and gently touching him while you read for your masters. Little things can make him feel like you're expressing your love.

Obviously being sexually compatible is important, but it has to be a compromise both ways if you're not on the same page.

We are busy and have the opposite issue. We're just both exhausted that we fall asleep most of the time lol.

Thank you! I will definitely get that book! I absolutely think his feelings are valid but it's difficult when it becomes to points of contention.

I actually struggle with this with H. We are a very sexual couple but at times I am very tired from well life. Around day #2, H will be very cranky. His top love languages are Acts of Service and physical touch. I just try not to get offended easily when he gets cranky. I take as a compliment that he wants my mom bod after all these years after witnessing me in childbirth, seeing my abdomen sliced open, and helping me while recovering.

We have been together 6 years and haven't had any issues. We generally do at least daily, if not more, honestly.

We both work, have kids (older, my DS is 10), and I'm in my second MS program. Sex is a priority for us though, because we both really like the connection it creates between us and the obvious benefits as well.

When sex drives are that different, you both need to sit down during a non-sexual time and discuss expectations and what you are both okay with.

Such a big difference can very easily erode a relationship over time if not addressed and dealt with satisfactorily to both partners.

My FH and I are still working through this. Some things that we have found that helped

1) Five Love Languages. Most of the book is online and very helpful in starting a productive dialogue

2) me explaining that I treat sex as a luxury - it's something I think about until work, school, and chores are done. He sees sex as a necessity like food.

3) he does more housework than I do because I'm out of the house for work and school than he is, which helps me relax, so I'm up for sex more.

4) pain management for me. Before I turn him down for the night I ice and stretch then check in with him. If you have any pain, depression or anxiety, you may want to practice self care then get back to him.

5) if you do turn him down, spend time doing something that makes him feel loved! Rejection from your loved one can hurt, and this can help

6) find a way to initiate sex, or at least physical affection before he does. This can help him feel validated

Hope this helps! It's a long journey, but hopefully one that is paved in self discovery, growing closer with your partner, and more orgasms lol.

ETA: spelling and wording

I think communicating and simply having alone time to communicate about these issues is imperative! I think you are right this is where the problem lies. We are definitely not on the same page and it's eroding our relationship. He becomes very insecure because he sees me not wanting to have sex as rejection I think when it's not that at all for me! I feel really bad about it but I got upset last night because I just felt like he wasn't considering my feelings when he was just going on complaining about how unaffectionate I am! It actually

Really hurt me because I am working really hard and trying to do my best and he makes me feel like I'm still not doing everything I should.

Definitely do the 5 love languages quiz. Read the book. Also go to premarital counseling.

And open up your thread to vendors. Not sure why you're excluding them.

I completely tanked my sex drive it seems- I used to be insatiable- and now? I am only initiating/wanting when I'm drinking usually- its' rare for me to jump on the D right away of my own volition. I'm just tired- and I love my husband- but sometimes- love isn't enough to get the engine running.

We try to make a point to have sex a minimum of once a week- it's hard because I have a many jobs- and we are long distance with off work days. But we make it a point to have sex at least once.

We cuddle frequently- and kiss- and continue affection- but it IS difficult when you're always tired.

I think it's wrong for him to be mad at you because you won't put out on his time line. My husband pretty much has a permanent boner around me. I feel bad- but he never blames me- and he just says he just wants me all the time and doesn't expect me to want it all the time. Fortunately his love language - turns out- is quality time. So even just me making time for him is valuable.

Having a good conversations OUTSIDE sexual moments- is really helpful and getting a baseline of what's tolerable and acceptable for both of you.

And coupled with - make sure you schedule it- if you can't just "be in the mood" schedule a time where you have sexy time. Make it a priority at least once a week one way or the other. I find even if I don't want it initially- once I get started I'm like- damn why did I not want this sooner?!?!

Definitely a certain amount of "use it or lose it" when it comes to sex- so keeping regular is going to help you stay thirsty if you will.

Yikes. We talk about having sex every day, but only get around to it/have enough energy to do it 1-2x per week. MAX. lol

But really, it sounds like you aren't down with this situation, and I'm sure you will start feeling resentment, especially if he equates not having sex = not giving enough affection. You probably feel you are affectionate even if you don't have sex several times a day. You two really need to talk!

Yikes. We talk about having sex every day, but only get around to it/have enough energy to do it 1-2x per week. MAX. lol

But really, it sounds like you aren't down with this situation, and I'm sure you will start feeling resentment, especially if he equates not having sex = not giving enough affection. You probably feel you are affectionate even if you don't have sex several times a day. You two really need to talk!

This is something I also struggle with my Fiance. He gets angry with me and says im rejecting him. And then it can become hurtful because he feels like I dont care about him when he does those things. But I also tell him he hurts me when says those things. We are working on understanding eachother better about this. But its tough so i definitely understand you.

I can see both sides of the argument really. I totally ditto what @JoRocka says! Her suggestion of scheduling is something DH and I have talked about lately. We work opposite schedules so getting in any time to be intimate is a challenge but we are wanting to start ttc so we have to make this work somehow. I recently read several articles online talking about couples who found success in scheduling intimate time. While it is not a lot of fun to schedule something like this they said the main benefit was they could prepare ahead of time to make sure the scheduled time was not interrupted. Plus some found thrill in the aspect of knowing it was coming and looking forward to it.

I can understand your FH's feelings of rejection. And honestly, that was one of the main reasons my relationship with my ex did not work. He had very little drive and when I tried to initiate I was often feeling rejected and made me more and more insecure. Those feelings were things I couldn't control. No matter how much I tried to assure myself that those feelings were untrue, they were always there. You are on the right track by acknowledging his feelings and working with him to try to correct them. My ex wouldn't even do that.

This has been a great source of stress, more so for him then me. I got a mystery medical condition and went 5 years undiagnosed, I still had to work and attempt maintain all my relationships and it KILLED any sex drive I might have. I would cry sometimes when he'd bring sex up because I felt guilty. I loved this man and I wanted to be intimate but just couldn't.... we're talking maybe once or twice every 6 months.

I finally found a doctor who figured out what was wrong, but the healing process isn't quick. We were up to every 2 months and now every few weeks.

I sat down with a professional (I was dealing with a lot of different things around no diagnosis.) and they helped me to figure out a way to communicate about sex in a non-confrontational way. I was able to sit down with him in private and have an open and honest discussion. He told me that he loved me and understood, and that the times we were having sex was meaningful to him.

Sit down and talk! If you need support seek professional help. It changed my life. Everyone's situation is different.

I had a talk with my FH about how some women and men can be different when it comes to sex. The way he explained it for men was very interesting. He stated the way some women want to cuddle, kiss and hug, or even have pillow talk is the way they show affection. Some men have a hard time expressing affection so they express it through sex. Find out what his sex drive is and what can satisfy him for the week that way you will know how to work together with this issue. It's something you definitely want to handle before getting married because it can become a huge issue

I've been working on this with my FH for a while now. My sex drive is much higher than his. I would love to have sex almost every day! But he is good for weeks sometimes. For a few years now he's been dealing with some guy problems and last year had to have a stricture in his urethra removed. It's so hard not to get frustrated with him sometimes, but he has a medical condition and I try to be conscious of that when he says he isn't interested. Feeling rejected is one of the worst feelings. He always tries to make me feel better. And tells me how much he loves and appreciates me. I know he wants all of this figured out as much as I do.

Thank you everyone, this has been so helpful! I'm glad I'm not alone in this because to be honest last night was just the straw that broke my emotions and I cried myself to sleep about it. I was upset with him, he feels rejected by me. It just wasn't good and I was hopeless. This has been so tremendously helpful knowing I'm not alone and there are ways to address it!

We have sex once a week and both of us are generally happy with that. Our schedules kinda dictate when we have sex. If we are both home for several days in a row we are more likely to have sex, but with our normal schedules it's once a week. FH always says he wishes it were more often but he knows that we are busy.