Any brides grow up poor?

I grew up comfortably middle class but my parents/their families were small town poor, so I've always been money conscious despite my parents making enough to spend more. Everyone in my family had similar weddings to what you're used to, many were dry and rather dull lol. My grandma even mentioned how she wishes she could come because she'd be able to make so much food for it LOL. My fiance's family was the same way, his parents said they had a keg in the backyard for their 'rehearsal dinner'. My friends have all had big fancy extravagant weddings, so I do feel a little weird when I talk about mine because it's not as 'exciting' as theirs (mine sounds almost exactly like yours but with ~80 people). I've gotten a few side comments as well that really bother me.. Like I'm having BBQ catered because that's what me and fiance love and know most of our guests will like, and I told my friend that, then later when I mentioned I was "ballin on a budget" she was like "oh.. I was wondering why you picked BBQ, that makes sense".... and in reality, it is the same price as the other options we could've chosen from. Another friend looked so appalled that I was only banking on 80 people.. She was like "Just my family alone is 150 people, I could never have that small of a wedding"... Well OK my family is very small so I don't know what to say back to that.. lol. So you're always going to come across opinionated people and can't please everyone, so I've figured out to just do what works for you. During planning I've decided to cut out or DIY things I don't care about (like no videographer, sisters friend is doing flowers, second-hand decor) which has helped me stay within budget. I honestly don't even think people notice half the things that cost a lot of money, I know I don't. I think the fact that we have the perspectives of what the cheaper weddings are like makes us appreciative of the 'fancier' things like catered food and an open bar, and less focused on spending lots of money on things that don't really matter (like flowers/decor). I would really love to witness my friend (whose having a $75k+ 200 people wedding) at one of my cousin's church wedding/church reception though LOL

View Quoted Comment Thanks for sharing! We are having BBQ too because we love it! Having a plated chicken dinner would cost about the same so it’s also not a budget thing there. Glad I’m not alone in some of these things.

I grew up lower middle class in the midwest and even though I haven't attended a ton of weddings for my family, I know that what you described was pretty typical. My parents rented a hall for theirs and had pizza for their "rehearsal dinner" as everyone was setting up. We just went to a postponed reception that was at a local town hall, BYOB, kids were running around like crazy, and they played the Hokey Pokey and the Chicken Dance one after another 😅 While we absolutely love those people and don't think there's anything wrong with doing what they did to save money, my fiancé and I have decided that since we're doing okay with finances and already have the big things that most would be saving for, we're having an "expensive" wedding to our families' tastes.

The biggest issue we've dealt with so far is that because everyone else has weddings where there's room for 250 people and the food is cheap, we're considered rude for capping our guest list to 150 and not having kids to help keep it near that number. This means we can't have a family reunion for everyone that we haven't seen in decades and barely even know and our moms are PISSED lol. Our main concern for the actual day though is that because everyone in his family is used to wearing jeans to everything - we showed up at the first funeral on his side where I dressed us per his request and everyone was in jeans while I was in a dress - that because we picked a barn venue everyone will wear jeans when at the very least we're just looking for like church clothes.

View Quoted Comment Haha love the description is kids running around! I like the point you make about those types of weddings not being wrong. There is nothing wrong with a casual hokey pokey wedding! But it’s not for us. Fiancé and I decided to have a smaller guest list and make the event a little more formal. Not everyone will understand and some will be mad, but, in my situation, I know that’s a them problem. Not a me problem.

I grew up pretty poor in the Midwest as well and that's how I remember weddings being. Either in the church hall or the Moose Lodge. Kids running everywhere, and pot luck. We were taught basically that you pay for what you can afford on a cash basis. They were always a lot of fun. The last two weddings I've gone to have been similar as well. So, really, is all of the weddings I've gone to in the Midwest. Rented shelter house, self catered food, music, but laid back vibe. I really think that's the majority of weddings I've been to or seen from friends. My uncle's wedding was the classiest affair I had ever been to as a kid. His wedding took place in North Carolina and everything was just a little bit more upscale there. And I think it's a values difference. I don't think I realized that people were taking on debt or charging things or making payment plans (not that everyone does) until I started planning my own wedding and now it puts more elevated affairs into perspective for me. Feasibly, I could have done the same. I have a good job we could have definitely made payments. I'm glad that thought never crossed my mind now.

When planning my own wedding I just wanted something that fell into the category of "nice," "classy." We only included our closest friends and family and decided to keep the budget at one paycheck. This helped because I am lazy and did not want to do the work of hosting a self-catered, self- decorated, kids screaming everywhere party. I wanted to relax, enjoy my food, listen to soft music, then go home and eat pizza in bed with my new husband.

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I told my fiancé that I want to pick up pizza on our way back to our house after our wedding 😂 I'm so glad I'm not the only one who wants to go eat pizza after!

I wouldn't necessarily say I grew up "poor" - my parents owned our house (mortgaged, not outright), we never went without necessities like food and clothing (which was purchased new each school year), and we did have a small amount extra for occasional fun things like movies or Christmas present. However, we didn't have extra money for things like vacations or anything. I'd say low middle class is probably the most accurate description.

I remember my mom always acting like my oldest sister's wedding was ~lavish~ - it was at a country club with a plated dinner. Had a DJ. It was, what I would consider, a pretty standard, cookie-cutter wedding, especially by today's standards. Ceremony on the patio overlooking the golf green, catering from the country club's special events team, a typical DJ of the time.

My wedding was both more off-the-wall and far simpler than hers, at least in my opinion. It was at an art museum, and the dinner was a variety of catered small plates/tapas instead of a formal seated dinner. It was also much smaller (less than 25 people, where hers was probably 100?) and had a minimalist theme/design. However, when planning, it was clear my mom expected it to be more like my sister's - a "lavish" affair by her standards, she wanted me in a ballgown with a cathedral-length lace-trimmed veil, pearlescent wedding invitations, frilly/lacey wedding cake, the works. I always felt it was because that was the type of wedding she couldn't afford, and thus she dreamed of it for her daughters. (I didn't want it anyway!)

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Dude it was the best. We were exhausted and starving and it hit the spot.

I grew up in a very rural and poor part of New York State. Most weddings were held in the local fire hall, church basement, or American Legion. No one got dressed up outside of the bridal party and close family--trucker hats and jeans were not out of place. There was plenty of money for beer, most times the families catered the wedding, and there was one local DJ who did a lot of the receptions because he was related to everyone. The local yearbook teacher from the high school was often the photographer.

My sister got married up there, and although my dad could have afforded something super nice, he didn't feel like it, so she had a similar wedding. She was married at a local state park in front of waterfalls we used to play in when we were little, and the reception was in my dad's back yard. I made her cake, there was a boom box instead of a DJ, and we borrowed tables from the local church, while my dad manned the grill. We DIY'ed the flowers and food.

It was a nice affair, and they are married all the same.

Love reading all of these. Thanks for sharing everyone!

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The family reunion thing was an issue we ran into as well 😅 I'm the 4th cousin to get married - #1 got married a decade ago and had at least 250 people, a dozen bridesmaids, and invited extended family to come in from California, Virginia, and Ohio. #2 was more like 150 but also invited the extended family to come and had probably 8 bridesmaids. #3 was let off the hook because they got married in June 2020 (iykyk) - invited 30 people (his mom invited 10 more pretty much the day of), no bridesmaids, no extended family beyond the cousins (we're a pretty close group as far as cousins go). So then there's me. #3's wedding was about as close to perfect as something for me and my FH could get - 40 people, good food, open bar, first dance but not much other dancing, just sitting around, being comfortable with each other, and spending time with your favorite people.

When I told my mom I wanted a wedding like Ryan's (#3), she flipped. Eventually she got over it, especially when we decided to go to California and make it a destination wedding. But now she's trying to invite her cousin who lives in California that I've met approximately 8 times (when the only guests are our parents, siblings, the family friends that are essentially my godparents, and the people who would have been in the wedding party).

We don't have a fixed style in my family or anything, but the expectation is that you invite and feed everyone your grandmother watched grow up, from what I can tell, and that was just not the vibe for us..

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I totally understand that! How do you have time for everyone when there's 300 people there and you don't actually know a ton of them? It's weird for us because while ideally we would both love less than 50 people we couldn't figure out how to cut that many out. FH is SUPER close to his family and family means a lot to him so we needed to include aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I am not close to most of my family and don't love that I feel like I have to invite the same "groups" on each side of my family whether I like those people or ever see them. How do I tell my dad I don't want his siblings there, but my mom's & both of FH's parents' siblings are invited?

The main issue we're dealing with now is that we don't want kids invited, but even if we go by 18+ then we're splitting up families, which isn't cool. FH's family is about a generation older than mine, so his grandparents are around the age of my great-grandparents, so for him we'd be cutting out 2nd cousins, but I'd be cutting cousins that I actually would like to see. We're currently considering saying we're inviting "groups" out to cousins, and keeping it 18+, but that would also only cut out one family's kids while the rest are invited so I'm stuck 😅

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This was when we decided to go to California and get married so we at least had that as an excuse 😬 FH doesn't love being the center of attention, and his fam is superrrr small compared to mine. I'm also just now starting to reconnect with my dad and his side of the family. I couldn't find a local venue that would give me the space restriction I wanted so I could have the right size list that made sense for us..so I'm flying to one 😂