Any other unconventional brides struggling with all the rules and structure of the wedding industry?

Also just to specify that I am not here to debate the validity of various rules and regs, just to try and figure out how we can make things work for us given that we don’t thrive under a lot of structure. We have jobs, pay bills and keep the house clean but that is about all the rules we can take lol

I’m curious what specific rules you’re worried about? When I was searching for venues, most of the rules were things like having a set time frame for the venue rental and no live flames, which are pretty rational given fire hazards and also just knowing when you have the space. There are some venues who have preferred vendors but plenty others who don’t particularly care, as long as they are bonded and licensed.

View Quoted Comment Honestly the “preferred vendor” thing I guess is the most bothersome bc that term is a bit ambiguous to me - is preferred just a nice way of saying required? What if we can’t afford their preferred vendors? I also especially don’t want a super conventional DJ - we plan to play a lot of dance music and I thought maybe it would be fun to get someone who can scratch on turntables a bit. My friend’s b/f is a DJ and we’d like to consider at least hiring him, but one place I really liked had all these rules about how DJ’s can’t eat or drink during the event - but he’s my friend, and his g/f (my good friend) will also be a guest so I want him to be able to have fun and not feel like an employee - ie at times he could just let the playlist flow and walk away and mingle.


Another issue is food. I have some vegan guests, but nobody besides them will eat vegan food. So can I have special food just for the 5-6 vegans, or do I have to order vegan food as part of a catering package that nobody besides the vegans would eat?
Then the last thing is about decor and ambiance - we want to make it look kinda like a house party or a club bc we’re nostalgic Gen X’ers lol - I wouldn’t mind even a few mins of strobe light and such - but not sure if such things are kosher at wedding venues?

We are very nontraditional people also. It was important that our wedding feel true to us, and not be a traditional “cookie cutter” wedding (nothing wrong with those who want traditional events- it’s just not our vibe). Instead of trying to fight or force something though, we learned to work within the parameters of the venue’s rules, and still make everything feel very “us”.
What exactly are you trying to achieve with your event, and what road blocks are you coming across? Maybe with more specifics we can help with suggestions on how to either overcome them, or compromise and work with them.

View Quoted Comment So “preferred vendors”- yes, these are usually the vendors a venue requires you to use. However, some may not. So it’s important to clarify that immediately with venues. If a venue requires you to use certain vendors that are out of your price range, simply move on.


The DJ not being able to eat during an event?! I’ve literally never heard of that before, and it’s completely asinine. You could try speaking to the venue to get clarification and to see if they would strike that part of the contract (because there’s zero reason for it). If they won’t, you could consider having the bf attend the first part of the reception strictly as a guest, then have him start DJ’ing after dinner. Personally though, I would run away from that venue. It sounds like they will be hard to work with. Plus most vendors have it in their contracts that a meal must be provided. And EVERYONE should be able to drink water as needed, no matter what!
As for your vegan guests, most caterers will prepare however many special Vegan meals are needed, assuming you are doing a plated meal. If you are thinking buffet, that may be a completely different situation.
As far as special lighting for your reception, that shouldn’t be an issue. We looked at a ton of different venues, and none had any issues with lighting. Typically the only issue with decor will be things that could cause damage to the venue (ie, open flames, attaching things to walls, etc.) or things that would be very difficult to clean (like glitter bombs)

Venues have "preferred vendors" for two reasons: 1 - they know the vendor, how they work, and each knows the others style. The OTHER reason is insurance reasons. Don't ask, I'm not clear on the details. I wanted a certain husband/wife photography team and the weren't on our venues list. They charged me $50 and my photographers had to provide the venue with their insurance policy (no problems there) For me, it was worth the upcharge. I used all the other preferred peeps, and appreciated the guidance - the florist especially was outstanding and so much cheaper than what I had been pricing out.

I think communication is the key to your concerns. I'm sure by sitting down with the venue you REALLY want and discussing your vision you will feel more confident in them.

Some of your questions you need to ask your venue. Mine has a list of preferred vendors, but they aren’t required. They’re just vendors who’ve worked at the venue before and are trusted. Most of the venues we toured at didn't require you to use particular vendors.


On the food, work with your caterer and figure out what works for you. We’re doing an afternoon reception with just small plates/appetizers, so it’s very easy to have options for all our guests’ dietary issues.

I don’t think anything you mentioned is particularly unusual or unconventional. In my experience “preferred” just means they have a relationship with those vendors, that they know them to be insured, reliable and professional.


I’ve never heard of a vendor not being able to eat at some point. Are you sure they don’t mean while working? Any reputable caterer can accomodate vegan guest alternatives along with most other dietary requirements, whether allergies, gluten free, vegetarian etc. I can’t imagine lighting would be an issue in most places.
My advice is not to get ahead of yourself. There are always options.

Thank you guys so much for your feedback and advice! It’s not so much that we’re trying to do anything super out-of-the-norm - we definitely want things on the low key side and want to avoid super fancy or cookie cutter stuff, but I don’t think that’s so out of the ordinary. It’s just that I personally tend not to function at my best with a lot of structure, so I’ve been feeling a little bit discouraged reading about so many different regulations and contingencies. while I certainly respect the rights of any business owner to enact rules governing the use of their establishment, many were unexpected to me and seems like they’ll make planning a lot harder.


The biggest thing was that we had planned to splurge on a venue and cut corners elsewhere. But it’s starting to seem like that might not be possible because if venues require you to use their preferred vendors, it’s likely that those vendors will be in the same pricing tiers as the venue itself. I am frustrated with that because I wish I’d known that weeks ago BEFORE trying to engage venues who would require me to use vendors I can’t afford.
One place did tell me that their suggested vendors are indeed just suggestions and not requirements, but it seems like elsewhere, they’re actually requirements masquerading as preferences 😂 I do feel like venues should be forthcoming about that - if they mean suggested, say suggested. If they mean required, why not just say so?
For background, I am going through a hectic time in life as I changed careers in October, so lots of my energy needs to be focused on establishing myself in my new career, and FH and I are also trying move nearer my job bc the commute is pretty rough! I feel like wedding planning has been 1 step forward and then 1 step backwards, so I am not actually accomplishing anything. I definitely thought it would be more fun and less stress!

Oh, and also, as far as the rules about when the DJ can eat - I think the requirement at the one venue was just that he could not eat or drink in the space where the reception is taking place, that he would have to do so in a different room or something. In my situation, that’s weird bc he’s my friend’s b/f, the two of them and FH and I have hung out a ton, so it feels weird to just send him off w a plate to eat in some break room. Also the rules said vendors cannot drink alcohol and I do feel a bit strange telling my friend he can’t drink a beer while he’s DJing! That’s what I was getting at in the original post - that level of governing peopl/ behavior just doesn’t feel comfy to me.

View Quoted Comment Have you spoken with the venue about your friend DJing? A lot of couples do have their vendors eat in another area, but I’ve always seen that be the couple’s choice – not dictated by the venue. Perhaps this is less them saying he HAS to eat in another area, and more them trying to say that they provide another area in case that is what you choose. And I would assume the no drinking alcohol while working is probably a liability concern. If this is a venue you really want to have, and they are not requiring you to use expensive preferred vendors like the others, I would definitely have a phone conversation with them. Explain to them your situation – that the person you would like to have DJ is actually a guest (and the significant other of another guest ) at your wedding, and that you would like to have him eat with the other guests. They may be understanding about your situation, and willing to remove that portion of the contract. You never know until you ask!

I think that a lot of your issues would be resolved by asking questions. Yes, “preferred vendor” can mean different things — so ask. Every venue I toured but one volunteered whether other vendors were allowed, and the other had an easy answer as soon as I asked. The number one thing I’ve learned in wedding planning is that you can’t be passive! You can’t expect the venue (or any vendors) to just know what matters to you. You need to think about that with your fiance and ask the questions if they’re not answered during your tour.

It sounds like this is a situation that you should listen to your gut. If you're not liking the idea of a structured wedding with so many options and rules to consider, it sounds like you shouldn't have a structured wedding! I'm not sure what your priorities are but this sounds like a situation where you should elope (local or destination) with some family/friends. You could get married at the courthouse and have an awesome party afterwards at a community center that doesn't have to follow "wedding guidlines." You could even just go to the courthouse, have a nice dinner, and then go to an actual bar or club to party! You could travel if able or have a ceremony at multiple locations that are special to you and your partner (first date place, when you first said i love you, proposal place, etc). There's sooo many options that you have other than following the traditional wedding template. Unfortunately, traditional wedding planning does take a degree of rule following and concise planning, so why not throw that out the window and do whatever you want if it's not your vibe?

Also, NOTHING is stopping you from getting married when you want to. If you want to get married, just get married and celebrate. Try not to over think it (venues, preferred vendors, caterers, etc) and pick what you and your fiance will remember down the line!

Hi all - thank you (again) for these feedback and reminders not to get too far ahead of myself. I agree these are questions best posed to each individual venue, and I was hoping to get a chance to ask all those questions this past Sunday, but there was a bad storm on the beach near our venues so we couldn’t drive out to do our tours as planned. We set make-up dates for this weekend, but for 2 of the places, the event concierge will not be able to come to the rescheduled appt., so the restaurant managers will be showing us around and I didn’t know if they’d know this stuff or not.


Also, I am a bit stressed about my timeline for finding a venue being pushed back by Mother Nature - I am feeling a lot of pressure to get a venue secured so FH and I can focus on moving so I can have a reasonable commute to work - sooo much going on right now, so I thought maybe if I could get a handle from you guys on what things like “preferred vendors” actually mean, the. I could pre-screen out some venues that won’t work so we don’t have to spend time touring ones that won’t work. I am prob putting too much pressure on myself and getting ahead of myself with details in my attempt to be efficient with everything else going on! It’s funny, I’ve dreamt of marrying my fiance since early in our relationship but I never dreamed that the proposal would happen while so many other life changes are also occurring. When it rains it pours!! Just hopefully not on our wedding day! lol.
Anyway, thanks everyone! I am not the biggest fan of rules, it’s true, but I can deal with them if it’s a means to an end, as in this case. I still maintain that it’s disingenuous for a venue to say “preferred” if they really mean required, but I guess that’s marketing for ya. Lol

View Quoted Comment This is so true!! Overthinking is my middle name!! Womp womp lol

View Quoted Comment You could come up with a short list of questions to email in advance, if it’s going to be a deal-breaker and you’re concerned about the event coordinator not being there.

While searching for a venue, I found they list them as “preferred” because they give multiple choices. For example, they may give you 2-5 choices of caterers, DJs, cake bakers, etc. So rather than choosing each specific vendor you have to use (in which case, they would say “required vendors”), they give you a list of preferred vendors for you to choose from. So in other words, you are required to choose from their list of preferred vendors. However, some venues will give you a list of preferred vendors, just because they have worked with them in the past and gotten consistently good results/feedback, but they don’t require you to use them. So definitely ask those questions when you tour venues!

We have no issue with general etiquette as written by Miss Manners because it serves a purpose of navigating social interactions to avoid awkward and uncomfortable situations. And at the base of it, the only requirements for a legal wedding are a fiancé, a officiant, 1-2 legal witnesses, a marriage license and a reception the same day for all those in attendance at the ceremony. Anything beyond that is optional as long as you are not rude to guests. But the current state of wedding trends as seen on social media are not even actual etiquette. Venues have their own rules that you must do this or that, that is not a requirement to be married, but rather only to be allowed use of their facilities. If you want free rein to do anything and pick your own vendors, don’t get an all inclusive. When we priced out both options, the blank slate venues (parks department owned venues and places on VenueReport.com or Peerspace that allow outside vendors) were much cheaper and included tables/chairs/kitchen in the venue rental fee, but they are not popular online so people will try to dissuade you away from them.


One of many current social media trends, not including the brand new proposal boxes that only create chaos and confusion because they pressure people to say yes on the spot instead of giving them time to consider if they can or want to and the contents get tossed in the trash, is the idea that it is the couple’s responsibility to cover all travel/transportation expenses for guests at a local wedding. It’s always been the guest’s responsibility to cover airfare, hotel, rental car or taxi, and if they are not able to make that work then they decline graciously. But social media has convinced couples and guests that it’s the responsibility of the couple to pay for that, plus shuttles because rental cars and designated drivers are not “a thing” anymore. That is not the case outside of online for various social circles. The same goes for things that are taboo and hurtful in some circles being pushed as standard and problem solvers when you go online. B Lists for people who are invited out of obligation not because you are close, and other things.

Have you considered non-traditional venues?

My partner and I are getting married at an old boy scout camp.

The upside is they have basically no rules except leave no trace - we can even light candles inside.

The downside is they have no on-site staff for hire - no clean-up crew, no co-ordinator, etc.

Look for any place you're allowed to rent (not just "Wedding Venues") and see what their parameters are.