Anyone regret not inviting a parent? I need advice

"Since I offered to sit down and talk with you and chose not to respond, I'm taking that as a decision on your part and going forward planning without your involvement. I’m really sorry that you made that choice.” He ignored that one, as well. I know this because my sister texted him the same day & he answered her.

Here’s the hard part. We are 58 days out, and I didn’t mail invites to him or his girlfriend (or her family, who my dad wanted to invite even though I don’t know them). I know it’s going to come up, because my dad knows when my wedding is. At this point, I feel so let down & betrayed by him choosing his girlfriend over even speaking to me that I really don’t want him at my wedding. But will I regret not inviting him? I don’t think I will...anyone have experience with a situation like this? Did you regret not inviting a toxic family member? I’m used to having a dad like this but I’m still worried about “doing the right thing” and the hell he will put me through, not to mention that not inviting him effectively ends whatever dysfunctional family relationship we got along with before all this happened. FH thinks I shouldn’t invite my dad, but FH has zero respect for him (not as in he’s disrespectful towards him, but just doesn’t respect the kind of person he is or any of the decisions he’s made- and I know he’s right for feeling this way).

The second issue is that I have family on my dad’s side who I’m closer with, aunts & uncles, cousins (my ring bearers!), and I’d be devastated if they didn’t come. I’m dreading that happening. Should I reach out to them and explain what’s happening/how I feel about it? Or do I just need to leave well enough alone and wait it out? I don’t want to cause more issues, but I’ll be heartbroken if the rest of my family doesn’t come. Sorry this is so long, this is just causing me so much stress and sadness! Any advice would be appreciated.

I'm so sorry sweetie... Umm if I were in your shoes I'd send the invite if they don't go it's on them. At least you did try and made it a point to reach out. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do or not but I think that's what I'd do if I were in your shoes. It's a basically be the bigger person situation. invite them and they can make the choice of going or not.Hopefully someone has some good advice for you. *Hugs*

It sounds like you have tried everything to talk to your dad and he is not budging, you have done all you can. If your family elects not to come it is on them, you have to do what is right for you. I wish you all the best, it is not fair that someone would put this kind of stress on their own child. I hope things work out for you, unfortunately sometimes what works out for us in the long run doesn't always feel the best in the beginning. Good luck and my sympathies on having this situation happen.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with the poster above- I would send a courtesy invite. That way you won't feel any guilt if they don't go.

Oh gosh... I am SO SORRY. How awful! I didn't see your original thread. I cannot even imagine how you are feeling right now. As others have said, I think I would extend the invite anyway. Be the bigger person and all that.... But, I totally also understand that that is much easier said than done.

I dont' know exactly how you feel or exactly how your relationship with your dad is, but I do think there is a big chance for regret here.

If you throw the ball in his court, you will know that you have done all you possibly could to preserve the relationship.

Again, so sorry!!! Hopefully you can focus on all the love and happiness surrounding you as you approach your wedding day and try to let go of some of this hurt. xoxo

So so sorry you are going through this. I also vote send a courtesy invite. But treat him as a regular guest. No special pictures, no walking you down the aisle, no father daughter dance, no seat of honor in a front and center table. Just an invite and not a word further.

But honestly, if you can't bring yourself to do it, I don't blame you.

Send him an invitation even if it is only so you can tell his side of the family, "I did invite him, he chose not to come."

If he does show up, treat him like a guest -- not like FOB.

I was leaning towards a courtesy invite too, but just like @Nicole says...that's it. Grandpa's walking me down the aisle, not my dad, etc. My dad and I have no relationship, I've always said he feels like a distant uncle/cousin to me, like I know he's family and can handle a short amount of time with him, but we don't really know each other. He also has an unaddressed drinking problem (not that I think being an alcoholic defines who you are as a person, but my dad refuses to acknowledge the fact that he has to have a beer in his hand 24/7).

Follow up question. My dad's girlfriend's family and some of dad's friends were on the original guest list. I don't know any of them, and only included them because dad was helping to pay. If I do choose to invite my dad, am I ok to not invite them? None of them received an STD.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I went through a similar issue with my birth father, he was upset that I chose to have my step father who raised me walk me down the aisle. I still invited my birth father and his wife, neither showed. Their loss.

@Kathryn I wouldn't invite them. Especially if you are not sure your dad will come.

I think it is A-Ok to leave them off the invite list.

Oh honey, I am so sorry he is putting you through this Your feelings are valid and he is being completely unfair and hurtful.

However, you did say you have family on his side that you don't want to have a wedding without. And to avoid any guilt or more complications, I agree with the suggestion of sending a courtesy invite to him but treating him as a normal guest with no special treatment. (Who is walking you down the aisle, by the way?) Certainly don't extend the invitation to his girlfriend's family you don't even know, that's crazy of him to ask.

I wish you the best of luck and understand the difficulties that come with having toxic family members. I hope you are able to make the decision that ends up being the best for you, remember it's your day.

Send him an invite and if he doesn't go then that's on him. Don't feel bad for your Dad's behavior. He may be your father but doesn't mean he always makes the right choices.

@Britini, my grandpa (mom's dad) is walking me down the aisle. He's been like a dad my whole life and is one of my most favorite people in the world.

Thanks, everyone, for reaffirming that I'm at least somewhat making ok decisions here. I just feel like this was unexpected- I knew my dad would be difficult with the wedding planning but I honestly didn't see it getting this bad. I'm just so hurt and confused. Ugh.

I'm soooo sorry you're dealing with this! Given all that you've said, I'd "forget" to send the invitations to his GF's family and friends with whom you have no relationship. Definitely invite all of the family you definitely want attending; if any of them ask what's going on, you can tell them then (if you choose) but I wouldn't call and explain to each of them.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can to be the bigger person, and I commend you for that. Put the ball in his court with the invitation; that's a gesture that he can never use against you, and you have a legitimate leg to stand on when saying "I invited him; he chose not to attend"

Good luck to you!!

So sad to hear you're dealing with this. Hugs.

Agree with PP's, courtesy invite to him, but I wouldn't feel obligated to invite the girlfriend's family or his friends.

If he does decide to show up and you treat him like a normal guest, you can probably make it through the wedding and reception without any drama or awkwardness. And like you said, his side of the family will appreciate having him there. I had an extended family member that I DID NOT want at my wedding. However I really wanted his wife and daughters to make it so I invited him anyway. I shook his hand after the ceremony when he congratulated me and that was my only interaction (we had about 70 guests).

Good luck with everything! Get excited girl, just under two months!!!

Nancy's advice is perfect. I would do exactly what she suggested.

I would invite your father and his girlfriend (he's entitled to a plus one anyway). Would I have a boutonniere waiting for him? No. Would he be escorting me down the aisle? No. Would he and his girlfriend be escorted to reserved chairs in the front? No. Would his girlfriend's family be invited? Hell, no. Would I seat him at one of the VIP tables closest to the sweetheart table or dais? No. He'd be halfway back with some of his family members. Father/Daughter dance? Not with him or not at all.

I don't know if you will ever reconnect with your father in any meaningful way, but if he is not invited to your wedding, he will use that to erase every ounce of responsibility he has in the breakdown of this relationship. He will tell family members that you didn't invite him to your wedding. That will probably change their opinion of you.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

@Kathryn only invite him if it won't stress you out having him there! I like the idea of the courtesy invite but only if you're truly okay with him showing up. I'm not inviting my dad who is currently in rehab for drug addiction. It makes me sad but he has not been a good person for a long time and I won't be able to see him before the wedding due to him being out of state. As much as I hope to one day forgive him, it will be on my terms and not on my wedding day. At the same time, it may be stressful for you in your situation not having your dad there because of his side of the family that will ask questions. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! It is unfortunate that some parents act like children, or even worse!

I think this is one of those decisions that nobody can have the answer to except you. I remember your post from last week very clearly because we sound like we have similar fathers. For me, I have made the decision not to invite my father or his girlfriend because I started to get more stressed about seeing him at my wedding than the actual wedding. I knew he would not be able to attend and not act like he has the honour of "father of the bride" and if he tried to act that way, I would either want to throw up or punch him, and that is not something that I wanted to experience on my wedding day. So sorry you are going through this.

I decided not to invite my father because of our falling out and I knew that if I invited him my night would be all about making sure HE was happy, HE was comfortable, HE was having a good time. I knew I couldn't handle that kind of toxic attention grabbing so I decided to not include him.

In November, he died very suddenly and unexpectedly. While my brother tries to be hurtful and bring up the fact that I was never going to invite him, and aren't I a shitty daughter, blah blah blah, I am still very at peace with my decision to exclude him. It's all about what you are comfortable with.

Centerpiece and Nancy gave the best answers IMO. He's still your father. I applaud you for making considerable efforts to reconcile, he seems to be acting immaturely. I'd take the high road and invite him, what he does with it is up to him, don't not invite him and give him another weapon to use against you. Ball is in his court, I hope he starts acting right.