At precana

Why, specifically, are you having these feelings? Is it because you are the only non-Christian in a very Christian setting? Have you had to announce that you are not a Christian? Has anyone in the group judged you or been rude to you because you are not a Christian?

I identify as agnostic but I live in the south and am surrounded by Christians all day every day. Maybe it helps that I was raised Catholic, but I’ve never felt uncomfortable or awkward.

I’d do your best to adopt an approach of take what you like and leave the rest. There’s probably some helpful stuff mixed in so focus on that. If they start giving you a hard time about pre-martial sex or birth control or similar “sins,” just remember that even if they were raised Catholic most people in the room aren’t following those teachings either.

FWIW, depending on how you feel after this weekend and where you are in the wedding planning process I would talk to your FH about why he wants to get married in the church. Are you going to start going to church? Are you going to baptize your kids and send them to Sunday school? If not, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Is your FS Christian/catholic? Being uncomfortable around Christians is kind of a big issue if you are marrying one.

Oh hon I would join the others in asking why you're feeling like this. If there are bigger/deeper issues that are causing it you might need to work through those and help FH understand why you're feeling the way you are. If his desire to get married in a Catholic church is sentimental I'm sure he'd understand why you might need to choose a different venue if there are deeper issues there. Things like triggers and panic attacks don't typically occur outside of a reason (speaking from personal experience here). Do take care of yourself!

My fiancé and I are currently in precana as well although we are both catholic. Getting married in a Catholic Church has much more meaning than It just being a venue. If you feel awkward you should really speak up although I wouldn’t do it infront of everyone because that’s private and to be honest even I feel weird having to share my opinion in a room full of strangers. I would talk to my fiancé and maybe have a conversation with the priest or whoever is celebrating your ceremony. There is a lot of things you have to take into consideration that the Catholic Church follows. Hope you are able to talk to your FH and it brings comfort to you.

They dont even talk about religion that match at Precana. The people there don't bash you for being a non Christian/Catholic.

*that much at Precana

They do, indeed, talk that much about religion here.

Every story has scripture attached. Everything is in relation to God.

I was told this was not the case and I am therefore uncomfortable. Even when I repeatedly bring up being non-Christian, and they paid lip service to being inclusive, everything is done with the expectation that I understand and embrace Catholicism. (Wrong on both counts.)

The bigger issue is that FH and I have tackled EVERY SINGLE ONE of these issues in couple's therapy. We have actually had multiple conversations on each of the raised subjects in the past month.

I was sold a retreat about "deepening your relationship" and all I got was a relationship 101 intensive. Which means it's redundant and doesn't actually give us time or space or guidance to go for relationship 304 intensive work.

People should not be first addressing ANY of these issues AFTER getting engaged.

Oh, and the judgement on women's bodies and 2019 living arrangements is palpable.

I spent most of today with a splitting headache and pain over all my body and breaking out into tears every 30 minutes.

And I'm not allowed to sleep next to my FH.

I'm 35.

FH says he's getting a tiny bit out of this, which is good, because I'm getting pain, no sleep, anger, frustration, and a good deal of questioning if this entire weekend was worth it right now. Let alone how much more of the Church I can take.

Thank you to those who checked in on the panic attacks.

For the record, FH is Catholic and he very dearly wants to get married in the church.

I wanted to do the daylong one and today has only reinforced that was the right idea.

View Quoted Comment Ummitbis a Catholic retreat. I am sorry you are not comfortable but yes it is going to be about religion and no like other church retreats you can’t sleep by your fiancé no matter how old you are. Can you leave if you are that uncomfortable?

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At least they haven't told you that you are going to hell since you aren't catholic yet. My friend was in a very similar situation to yours when she did precana because her husband wanted to get married in the catholic church for his grandmother and she kept a tally of how many times over two days people told her she was going to hell or apologized to her FH that his choice of partner would not be in heaven with him someday. (The final tally was 81 times)

I would just sit and not talk or listen. You can try to replay your favorite movie in your head or play a game where you tally how many times they say things that are super hypocritical about the bible.

View Quoted Comment Yeah, there have been TWO sentences all weekend about interfaith marriage, but no guided discussions or actual leadership on the issue. It is put in the notebook, but we're essentially on our own on that.
Again, I was *promised* that, and so this is hugely disappointing.

I had a splitting headache before the absolute nonsense about contraception and that lecture (delivered by a couple IN THEIR 70s, who haven't used birth control in 50 years...) made me actually cry in pain.

For those who ask:

No. We cannot leave. We do not have a car and are reliant on the kindness of the retreat leaders for a ride to the train station.

That is one of the reasons I keep having panic attacks. I am stuck here and I have little control over the situation. This is a massive trigger for me, one I warned everyone about, but I was dismissed as being overly worried.

View Quoted Comment I am so sorry you are going through that! I grew up in Catholic and decided it wasn't for me quite some time ago. I still feel the judgment when I'm put into religious settings for family functions. (baptisms, weddings, funerals, etc.) I think I'd feel out of place in a setting like that too. I wish I had some advice to give, but I don't think anything I say will help.

Just know your feelings are justified and you are not alone in this. I honor you for going through something so difficult for your FH, and hope he sees what a sacrifice this is for you.

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Thank you.

FH was also very angry at the complete lack of interfaith support, because that's why we went. He knows how upset I am, and we have been talking a lot about it. He was able to get a little bit out of the weekend, but that is overshadowed by how alienated I felt and how differently it turned out from what we were promised.

I posted about it here, because I kept seeing other people ask about it. Most responses were, "Oh, we got so much out of it!" without going into specifics, and really vague reassurances that it would be "great!" Those are not really helpful responses and actively harmed me, in this case. I used those responses as a guide to my decision.

If you have done couple's therapy, if you have done the very basic work of having a real, adult relationship... this is not going to do anything for you. We did not have enough time to actually discuss things in depth (max 30 minutes? Mostly really 20...), the topics discussed were super basic, if deeper things were mentioned, it was only at the end, and not actually supported or dealt with extensively, everything was steeped in Bible quotes (the only person, incidentally, who asked what my faith was? The one woman there who had a fiance of another faith, as well), the gender views were straight out of the 1960s (and I don't just mean through religion, I mean one of the leaders flat out said, "men like facts, and women like emotions" - which is utter BS on every level), the way we were to "discover" our thoughts was one-size-fits all (lecture, write separately, talk, with rigid timelines, and if you took too long/too short, it was vocally frowned upon), my visible panic attacks were "concerning", but no efforts were made to find out how to mitigate them (other than offering pain meds?), a betrothal ceremony was sprung on us with no warning (... I would have asked for it to be, at the very least, PRIVATE), our names were given to random people for them to pray for us without our consent (vastly violating in my belief system)... I could go on.

I am sure many commenters will simply tell me this is all to be expected. Please remember, as I have said - I am not Christian. I did not know what to expect. I asked REPEATEDLY for a month, and none of this was disclosed to me. I was promised leaders trained in sensitivity and dealing with traumas. Mine were actively dismissed. I was promised deep discussion time to handle interfaith issues and deepen my relationship. We were rushed through basic topics and offered no support on interfaith issues.

Basically, we were sold a bill of goods about this weekend, and it utterly failed to live up to said bill.

Perhaps others have had better experiences. But I wanted to offer the other perspective, so that others do not fall for the platitudes.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for sharing. I'm glad your FH is on the same page as you on this. I've never been to precana and never will as my FH isn't religious at all. This post has been very insightful. I wish you and your family the best!

I’m just mentioning this because you’ve said that people haven’t been upfront with you about the process. You may know it already. If you haven’t read through the Catholic liturgy for a wedding I would strongly recommend it, especially if you’re not that familiar with mass. Typically a wedding is a mass with wedding vows thrown in. You will probably be encouraged to have the Eucharist, but typically don’t have to. I’m just concerned your own wedding will be a really unpleasant experience. They’re certainly going to pray for your marriage for instance, and if you don’t like being prayed for that might be a problem. You also have to affirm you will welcome children as a gift from god. I’m glad you and your FH are on the same page, but when it comes to a Catholic wedding ceremony that won’t matter nearly as much as being on the same page as the priest who is going to marry you. I hope it all works out well for you.

I'm so sorry you had such a negative experience! Despite how regimented the Catholic Church is, I will say that their PreCana marriage prep classes are not consistent among states or even cities in the US.

My FH is not Catholic (or even identifies as Christian for that matter) but I felt that the couple running our event as well as the other engaged couples were really interested in hearing his perspective. (He does attend mass with me every weekend so he is more familiar with my faith.) We even had inter-faith couples come and speak about how their marriage worked which was helpful. I would agree that it is definitely geared towards Catholic teachings but I expected that since 90% of the couples there are all Catholic.

There were several areas where it was super cheesy or items we were encouraged to discuss that my FH and I (having dating 5+ years) had already covered. There are plenty of people who have not been together that long so it's hard to make a one size fits all program while making sure that those who haven't had some of the necessary discussion do. (Side note: My parents used to be couple counselors for engaged couples and people definitely do call off their marriages when they have these deep conversations and see that they don't align.)

As PP mentioned, there are several things you have to "agree" to when you make your wedding vows in a Catholic Church. I would talk to your fiance about these and whether this is something you can actually VOW for the length of your marriage and future family-life.

It sounds like you have definitely sacrificed a lot so that your fiance can get something he desires for the wedding. Hopefully this has opened a door to communicate your true feelings and you two can find something positive out of the weekend!