Bachelor Party

Your feelings are your feelings. I think you do need to talk to your FH about it, because obviously you are hurt.

I will say, as someone who has seen strippers (the first was kind of... unexpected, shall we say? and the second was a male revue at a bachelorette party)... eh. NOT my thing. Wouldn't be offended by them, but also... eh. Just a body dancing.

Still. YOU are not feeling comfortable, so you need to talk it out.

Your feelings are valid. If you aren't comfortable with what happened, you need to talk about it. Hoping it will go away is very optimistic, but if you can't look at him the same way, you probably need to talk it out. I'd suggest an open conversation explaining how you're feeling and why and what you need to feel better, and then giving him a chance to think about what you've said and respond. It could be awkward or uncomfy, but it'll be worth it in the end if you talk it all out and feel better.

Of course you have a right to feel the way you feel. You need to express those feelings to him. I think the fact that he came home and told you exactly what happened and didn’t try to pretend that they were having tea and reading the Bible is a good sign. It’s his night to have some fun that he wouldn’t normally have and because you didn’t specifically tell him no strippers he didn’t really break any rules or try to hurt you intentionally. In his mind he probably thought this is typical bachelor party and that your girls may surprise you with the same thing and that he did nothing wrong. I think you’re being a little hard on him. He kept his hands to himself, he was honest with you about it and a bachelor party is a one time thing. I think you should have the discussion about how you feel and not let it affect your future together.

As everyone else said I'd just talk it out with him but if you trust each other there shouldn't be an issue. Trust me Im not looking forward to his bachelor party weekend either but I know it's meaningless and innocent fun. I've seen a few strippers and it's more of a show sometimes

To be completely honest, I would rant to your girlfriends and let it out of your system instead of necessarily making a fuss with him.
He didn’t plan on having strippers nor did he know about them (at least I assume so from what you’ve said) and I really don’t think you can be upset at him for something he isn’t responsible for. Your feelings are valid, I am not disagreeing with that, I just don’t necessarily align with what others have said in that you need to address it with him. He didn’t betray you or cheat on you, he had a fun night out with the guys who surprised him with strippers.
Personally I don’t understand when people have a problem with strippers (or porn) because there is nothing wrong with some appreciation of the human body in my books as long as you look but don’t touch. Particularly given that he came forth about it and told you, and reassured you he didn’t lay a finger on them, in my eyes he really hasn’t done anything wrong and I don’t think it’s fair on him that he be reprimanded for it.

I would feel the same as OP in this scenario, and I do think you should express your feelings about it to your FH. It's not to have a go or to make an argument, it's about understanding and supporting one another emotionally. It's not always easy to talk about your feelings, but I find it to be incredibly beneficial. If I share my feelings with my FH, then he learns more about me and how I process things. But he likely won't know if I don't tell him what's going on. He can pick up when I'm feeling off, but that doesn't mean he knows the reason.

In my experience, when something keeps bothering you repeatedly, that means it needs addressing. It doesn't mean it can or will be solved, but getting it out of your system can make you feel so much better. Trust him to hear you, even if he doesn't understand it. My man doesn't understand half of the things I express to him, but knowing that he's heard me makes me feel more connected to him.

I had a friend of a friend that used to do it and this is what she told me.

"Strippers" that come to bachelor parties/stags are usually super professional and always have a no touch rule, no kissing, hugging and other "cheating" things and it's definitely not like the movies. They have men there to make sure guys don't get too rowdy. To be completely honest and I hope no one takes it the wrong way...they don't want your man, they're there to just make money and 99% chance they have their own men at home. I would honestly just let it go, he didn't book it, I 100% guarantee you it's a lot worse in your head than what actually happened and he was honest. Hope this helped!

I would talk to him about how you feel. And I would be upset with the situation too if it was me too. Def clear the air before the wedding

View Quoted Comment I know they don't want my man. And no men came with them. I dont like the fact that a another woman, professional or not, sat on his lap, and touched his junk and spanked him. And even though he didnt touch her or them and i dont know 100% what happened and was comfortable about it in the beginning and even when he told me about it. After i was thinking about it. It started to bother me.

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You asked for opinions and I gave you one.

View Quoted Comment Im not reprimanding him. I just cant look at him the same way as of right now. I totally agree with the "you can look and not touch" but what I dont like is someone else touching my man. They sat on his lap, rubbed on him and spanked him. I was totally ok with it at first. And actually thought the spanking was funny. But he said they tried to get him hard. Could had been the alcohol talking. But thats what he said. I was laughing at first till he told me that part. Then i was a little upset. Then as i got thinking about it. Inwoke up in the morning and it just hit me the wrong way. I know i may be thinking to much about it. But i cant help it. I know he didnt do anything. Even his best friend said he was very good and didnt do anything as in touch. But it just bothers me and i feel betrayed in a way. Not completely, but i just look at him differently.

View Quoted Comment No rules were broken. He was a good boy. But i just cant get it out if my head. And i know im being stupid. He said they rubbed on him and sat in his lap and spanked him. It just bothers me thats all. I just cant look at him the same way right now. Im sure i will get over it.

View Quoted Comment I didnt think i was being nasty...how was that being nasty? I was qoting you and saying yiur right, no rules were broken. And i know im being stupid...dont know how that was beinf nasty???

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I deleted the word nasty since it wasn't the word i meant to use.

You're not stupid. I think we tend to overthink somethings especially when it comes to the person we love. I hope you can get passed this and have an awesome wedding.

View Quoted Comment I didnt mean to offend you in anyway. I listen to each one of these comments. We all have opinions. Usually im not like this and like insaid i was fine with it. And now i was just told it was 3 strippers and not 2....oh well....i know i will get over it. I think if intalk to him about it, he will think im over reacting. Im just gonna try to let it go cause i know deep in my heart nithing happened. And it is what it is....

I would not marry him. Or at least not until a long delay. Either he wanted this. Or he is so under the control of peer pressure, that rather than lose face in front of his buddies, he will do garbage like this. When the contact is unwelcome, sitting naked on someones lap is seen as sexual assault. He clearly does not see it as such, because he wanted it, was perfectly all right with it. He knew how you felt about it, and basically decided that your feelings are no where near as important as having fun with his brother and buddies. Is this the marriage you want? The next ten guys he knows that get married, are you going to be okay with his going to stripper parties then? Getting drunk, which means, you cannot rely on his general good judgement? How did he get home. Did he drive himself, drunk? Or have a buddy who was drinking do it? Risking your FI's safety, and that of anyone else driving at that time of night ( because heavy drinking at a party is such fun, it is worth risking your own safety, and that of innocent people? Strippers getting close enough to spank him and wriggle on his lap, means your loving FI has been up close and personal with these ladies, who may have 3-5 customers, many groups of 10 to 20, every work day. So , in 10 days, could be any of 70-100 or more people, body to body passed around. Have you ever heard of Covid? It is this virus going round? Some die, but most are just sick as dogs for a couple weeks, maybe hospitalized a week or so. And 5 to 15 days after exposure, the first symptoms appear. Your husband is quite willing to catch and spread this disease, to you, and have everyone in his bachelor party at risk, too. They may all be fine. Or your FI, and you now, and all these guys and their SO, may be sick and miss your wedding. Or he may just be getting coughs and get married, then be sick all honeymoon. And if you get sick, what fun, you can share the misery! What if one of you gets sick and is hospitalized, right after the wedding? And, thank god, recovers? And insurance covers 80%. Leaving you only $20,000 you have to pay off? I would not marry anyone with such bad judgement that he would risk my health and his, and participate in this with multiple buddies, now also at risk, for what? Just how much of a thrill is a stripper, that he would risk everything just before your wedding?
You must be pretty far down his list of priorities. And your marriage likely won't change that, at least for a few years til he grows up, if he does.
My now husband protested when a few of his buddies and 2 of his many buddies talked about strippers at his batch. He said, do not do that. I don't think the view or intimate contact ( lap dancing) with a naked woman is something to be bought and paid for. And certainly not when he is about to commit himself for life. So he said no. And tgey said they would change plans. He got to his party, and surprise! And he had to make a decision. And he chose me and our relationship, and walked out the door. 4 of tge 16 guys walked out behind him. The itgers stayed and partied. 3weekends later, 2 before tge wedding, the 4 who walked out with him, and 6 who had declined the party in the first place, gave hubby a bachelor party, 11 guys poker and pool and canoeing and cookouts, 2 nights 2.5 days, at his BM famiky cottage. A low level drinking weekend. My husband is not subject to peer pressure when friends or cousin, brothers, cross his boundary lines for his own personal conduct. I know whose feelings he puts first. He foes not just say things to appease me, then go off and do whatever he wants and promised he would not. And this was not including the risk if getting sick and risking losing your wedding or your honeymoon, or starting your marriage with a huge medical bill. My husband would not risk anything that important because is is mature enough to see the consequences. Your FI has very poor judgement. I hope he gets lucky, and all are fine. But this does not say anything good about how he values you or your marriage. I would not marry someone like that. Stay healthy. You have a tough decision to make.

View Quoted Comment No he did not drive. He took an uber home. We are still getting married in a few weeks. I still dont like the fact that they got him strippers and he decided to stay. And it still bothers me. And we may have a discussion. And yes your right i hope no kne gets sick from the virus. But it is a chance everyone at the party took. Your man sounds amazing, dont let him go.

I wholeheartedly disagree with not marrying him or postponing the wedding as said by PP and I think you really should let him go.
He didn’t do anything wrong and you “can’t even look at him” despite not doing anything. If he got physical with the strippers and touched them, kissed them etc, I would totally understand the level of your disgust with him, but I genuinely think you’re overreacting.
So he didn’t leave once the strippers arrived, and there were 3. He saw some lady bits. Is that really enough to start a feud over?

View Quoted Comment I guess I see letting a stripper sit on your lap, or spank you, as touching. As well as not keeping a social distance, from someone who goes person to person repeatedly, risking a wedding 2 weeks away. We all draw our lines in different places. Where we are comfortable.

View Quoted Comment I never said i wasnt goimg not marry him. I just said i cant look at him the same way. I know he did nothing wrong. It just bothers me that i know 3 girls were rubbing all over him and he didnt stop it. Thats where the betrayal has come in on. He didnt touch. And im greatful for that. I know he would not like it if i allowed men to put thier hands on me. But it is what it is. It was fun, it was his bachelor party, apparently im over reacting, not like he was locked up in a room by himself with these women. So im trying to get over it. It just still bothers me a little bit. But i NEVER said or even thought about nkt marring him. Thats just stupid. And definitely over reacting. Im just saying im hurt. And cant seem to get over it. But i know i will, or at least trying too.