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Beginner June 2018

Bachelorette Dilemma

purplejunebride, on March 4, 2018 at 4:28 AM Posted in Parties and Events 0 26

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So my wedding is in just about 100 days. I have 5 bridesmaids, 1 matron or honor, and 1 maid of honor. They’ve known they are in the wedding and the wedding date since January of 2017. I’ve explicitly shared with them since I got engaged I’d like a nice bachelorette party with them where we just go away for a weekend. So around fall of last year I asked them if they’d planned anything and they hadn’t. So come January I told them AGAIN I’d really love us to just drive somewhere and spend a weekend. I through out like 10 different location ideas for them and told them I didn’t care where it was I just wanted to spend a nice weekend with them. I’ve even explicitly shared with multiple of them I’m nervous about not being able to find a rental because it’s so late and I’d love if they could get something picked. Then they talked about it but nothing happened. They haven’t made any plans for the bachelorette at all and there isn’t really that long until the wedding. I’m feeling really let down and disappointed.. I feel like at this point even if they do plan one it’ll be last minute thrown together and not thought out. I wasn’t expecting anything big and I think the biggest let down is they haven’t taken the time and energy to put something together for me. I’ve gone out of my way to ensure they know how grateful I am for them. I’ve bought them gifts, I’m paying for their nails & toes to get done for the wedding, the hair and makeup for them and I’ve hosted dinners to have them over to hangout and I just am not feeling that back from them. I’m really hurt that they haven’t cared more to do this and at this point I feel like I should just save everyone the energy and my the disappointment and tell them to forget about planning one. What would you guys do?

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26 Comments

Latest activity by SaraBear, on March 4, 2018 at 1:54 PM

Savvy July 2022
Jamillah Danielle · on March 4, 2018 at 4:39 AM
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Hello, new to the forum...congrats to you. Yes, your wedding will be here soon. I understand your dilemma and worried that your Bridal have not given you an answer yet. Which can be nerve wrecking and overwhelming, but maybe and I say maybe because I'm assuming, that they have sat down to discuss it and they may surprise you. Most bachelorette parties are a surprise to the bride. You know you want one and options are endless. But the may have it all figured out. And when you least expect it BAM!!! I only pray that I'm right and your friends haven't left you to consistently think about "are we hanging out for a weekend or not". You Matron/Maid of honor should be making sure things go smooth for you and that you aren't stressing about anything. Especially a relaxing get a way with the girls. I hope things will get better.
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Master September 2018
FutureMrs.L · on March 4, 2018 at 6:08 AM
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What does you buying them gifts, having meals together, paying for their nails, and hair and makeup have to do with your bachelorette party?? It’s not tit for tat. It’s not “I did all this for you, you owe me”. It’s not a mandatory thing, it’s optional and up to the BMs to throw a bachelorette party.

I understand the disappointment, but perhaps the repeated messages and such regarding it has made them a bit stand offish. Your expectations are high, and they may feel they can’t live up to that. You don’t even know for sure they haven’t planned anything, maybe they’re trying to surprise you.
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Beginner June 2018
purplejunebride · on March 4, 2018 at 6:14 AM
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I wasn’t saying it was tit for tat. I’m doing all of those things for them because I appreciate their friendship and want to go out of my way to ensure they know that and I was hoping for the same in return. It’s literally about the thought. And I know they haven’t planned anything because my maid of honor asked me yesterday if I still wanted to do one and if I had any ideas for her. My expectations for a weekend together isn’t high at all.
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Master September 2018
FutureMrs.L · on March 4, 2018 at 6:18 AM
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By you listing all you’ve done for them, it very much seems like they owe you it, simply because all you’ve done. Again, that’s my perception of it.

If your MOH asked yesterday, did you tell her yes, and how you felt about it all? Communication is key. If she’s asking, give her ideas, thoughts.
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Expert July 2017
SaraBear · on March 4, 2018 at 6:35 AM
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If your MOH asked you yesterday if you still wanted one and if you had any ideas, what is the issue? Tell her what you’ve told her before even if you’re repeating yourself.

I agree with FutureMrsL - “perhaps the repeated messages and such regarding it has made them a bit standoffish.” If I were a MOH and the bride “explicitly” told me and all the other bridesmaids multiple times of exactly what she wanted for a bachelorette, I’d be annoyed. Also, if I couldn’t afford taking time off work or paying for a weekend away for whatever reason, I’d be embarrassed I couldn’t fill the brides wishes when she’s been so explicit as to what she wants. It’s really nice of you to pay for their hair and nails and gifts but that doesn’t mean they must throw you a bachelorette party that matches what you’ve clearly outlined.

Also, and this is just a thought, maybe they were waiting until you were closer to your wedding to start planning. Planning a bachelorette doesn’t take a full year. My MOH threw my weekend bachelorette trip together probably six weeks before we left.

The fact that your MOH asked you yesterday if you still want one and what you want to do, means she’s clearly still interested and she probably didn’t want to start planning a year ahead of time. Which is fine. Since she wants your input, give her your ideas!
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Beginner April 2018
Evelyn · on March 4, 2018 at 6:41 AM
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Hi. I'm getting married in 40 days and my bridal party is having communication issues over my Bachelorette Party that I feel like I should've planned it myself. So I totally understand how you feel. You are doing a lot for your bridal party and they should get it together and do this for you. I don't think that you are asking for a lot. You have gone over and beyond by paying for their hair, makeup, nails and feet along with the gifts you mentioned. They need to go over and beyond for you. After all you picked these special ladies to be there for you on your big day! Your Matron of Honor and Maid of Honor should take lead and get everyone together to make your Bachelorette Party fun and unforgettable.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on March 4, 2018 at 8:10 AM
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Bachelorette parties, showers, etc., are totally optional parties that others offer to host. A bride shouldn't be telling (including "hinting" repeatedly) what SHE wants. They don't have to do anything. Are you "allowed" to feel disappointed because people you think of as close friends aren't doing what you'd hoped they would? I guess, yes, because we can feel anyway we want to. But, if they don't plan something or it's not what you wanted, should you get over it? Yes. A bridal party doesn't "owe" the bride anything (other than showing up at the wedding in the outfit requested).
I agree with pp's that a weekend getaway might be too much time and/or money for those involved, and the way you've described that you continue to repeat your expectations may have resulted in some resentment. I would find that really irritating. If I were you, I would drop it -- now. Let your MOH know that you're sorry if you've suggested things that don't work for the bridal party, and that you'll be happy with anything they come up with, including a local evening -- whether that's a night out or a slumber party at someone's house. And, if it's too difficult to plan even that, you completely understand.
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Beginner June 2018
purplejunebride · on March 4, 2018 at 8:18 AM
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Thank you! Somebody who understands! It just is a bummer because whenever they go though a big thing in life I always celebrate them and do whatever I can to show them I care and am proud of them and it is a let down when I don’t feel I’m getting that in return. 😞
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Beginner June 2018
purplejunebride · on March 4, 2018 at 8:22 AM
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A weekend isn’t the problem. Everyone, including myself, wrote what they felt comfortable spending for accommodations for the weekend and put it in a jar and we have decided to use the lowest amount. I gave my opinion about the bachelorette because I was asked what I would like and I told them anything from camping to the city to the beach, pretty much anything at all. My mother is throwing my bridal shower so they haven’t had to worry about that. They’ve asked if I want a bachelorette and they know I do so they should be willing to throw me a bachelorette party to celebrate my getting married and I would gladly do for them if they were getting married. If they decided to have a sleepover at someone’s house that would be fine with me, the point is literally that I feel like they don’t care.
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Master September 2018
FutureMrs.L · on March 4, 2018 at 8:50 AM
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My best friend has gone above and beyond for me, I can’t always match what she’s done. Does that make me a crappy unequal friend? You’re basically saying they OWE you this because of all you’ve done for them. That because you’ve paid for certain things them, they owe you... is that how friendships are? Because mine aren’t.

“Hoping for the same in return” is basically saying you feel they owe you. That you expected it because of all you’ve done.

A few of my friends are a bit more well off financially than me, they’ve never once held that over my head. My MOH took me to Disney for my birthday a few years ago and got reservations at a nice restaurant inside Disney. She’s never told me I owe her for any of that... my other friend took me to a spa..

I couldn’t imagine keeping score with my friends on who’s done what and who’s owed what... smh 🤦‍♀️
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Super December 2018
kbrands · on March 4, 2018 at 8:53 AM
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Maybe they are planning something as a surprise for you?
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October 2018
FirstTimeMOB · on March 4, 2018 at 8:56 AM
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"...I was hoping for the same in return..." - "My expectations for a weekend together isn't high at all"

'Hoping for the same in return' isn't showing appreciation for their friendship, it comes across as 'I'm doing this for you now do something for me'. And if you are continually hinting and mentioning what you want for this bachelorette party then forgive me, but your expectations ARE high. You are afraid it will be 'last minute, and not thought out'. Sometimes, the last minute gatherings create the best memories.
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Beginner June 2018
purplejunebride · on March 4, 2018 at 8:59 AM
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You’re completely missing the entire point. NO ONE OWES ANYONE AND THAT IS NEVER WHAT I SAID. It’s the thought that counts and I know from my perspective my bridesmaids haven’t planned anything to celebrate my wedding. Like I stated above I’d be happy with a nice sleepover for the weekend but they haven’t even made an effort to do that. When your friends have big things happen in their lives you should always celebrate them and support them and no that doesn’t mean it has to be expensive and they owe me, it means they should be good friends and celebrate me getting married. I helped one of my bridesmaids design and plan her reception and celebrate her marriage. I threw another one of them a baby shower when she had her first child. I have sent cards when they graduated from college congratulating them on their accomplishments and not because I owe and expect they owe me equally in return but because that’s what you do as a good friend.
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Beginner June 2018
purplejunebride · on March 4, 2018 at 9:04 AM
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Whenever my friends have big events in their lives I always make it apparent to celebrate them and their accomplishments because that’s what friends do. They asked me if I wanted a bachelorette party and I said yes, they agreed on the amount they all wanted to spend and they’ve asked me numerous times for what I might like and I’ve given them dozens of ideas and told them as long as we are all together it’ll be fun and I just want to celebrate They don’t owe me anything for being a good friend but I expect that they be equally as invested in our friendship and want to share in celebrating my big event in my life as well. It’s not a high expectation to hope your friends would plan a sleepover for a weekend with you.
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Beginner June 2018
purplejunebride · on March 4, 2018 at 9:06 AM
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That’s what my fiancé kept saying but my maid of honor just told me she texted them all yesterday to see what they want to do and they talked for a while but then no one really acted on it.
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Master September 2018
FutureMrs.L · on March 4, 2018 at 9:09 AM
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With all due respect your original post, and subsequent comments are completely contradicting your latest post stating they don't owe you. The tone and perception of your original and subsequent posts, including parts of this quoted comment basically say that you feel they DO owe you because fall you've done for them. If you didn't feel that way, then why list al you've done/paid for for them???

"I’m doing all of those things for them because I appreciate their friendship and want to go out of my way to ensure they know that and I was hoping for the same in return."----- Literally saying you EXPECTED the same in return.

" whenever they go though a big thing in life I always celebrate them and do whatever I can to show them I care and am proud of them and it is a let down when I don’t feel I’m getting that in return. "--- Again saying you're let down because they haven't done the same in return as you've done for them....

"When your friends have big things happen in their lives you should always celebrate them and support them and no that doesn’t mean it has to be expensive and they owe me, it means they should be good friends and celebrate me getting married."---- How are they not being good friends or not celebrating your marriage?? Them standing by you, being supportive, helping with things is being good friends, and being there... Them not throwing a bachelorette party shouldn't have ANY baring on them being good/bad friends... That's honestly crappy. You're essentially saying that because they're not throwing a bachelorette party, they're not good friends...

You're keeping track/tabs on what you've done for your friends and you're expecting the same in return... You're saying you're not, but based on your comments above, you clearly are.
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Beginner June 2018
purplejunebride · on March 4, 2018 at 9:14 AM
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Unfortunately I know they haven’t planned anything. But hopefully everything will work out! Thanks ❤️
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Beginner June 2018
purplejunebride · on March 4, 2018 at 9:34 AM
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I would expect my friends to put forth some sort of effort for any kind of bachelorette party to celebrate my getting married. I’ve paid for everything else they need for the day of so that was my point when saying that. They don’t “owe” me anything, but part of being a friend is celebrating the people you love in their life events. They asked what I wanted and I told them a weekend together and named dozens of ideas. All of the ideas were under $150 a person and one was even a family owned location that didn’t cost anything so I don’t expect them to “owe” my an extravagant bachelorette, I do expect them to make an effort to do something to celebrate my getting married. There is seriously nothing wrong with wanting a bachelorette from your bridesmaids to show they care.
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Expert September 2018
Nicole · on March 4, 2018 at 9:38 AM
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That's the thing though, you shouldn't be expecting it because it's an optional party that they decide whether or not they want to host for you. If no one offers, you don't get one. Honestly, it sounds like you've already kind of over-stepped in terms of involvement.
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Expert June 2018
Sally · on March 4, 2018 at 9:44 AM
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Sounds like you're expecting your friends to be like you would be. You might really like throwing parties for people and being more involved with planning things for your friends but it's my experience if you're wanting them to do the same things that you do for other people you will be disappointed, because they aren't you. There's still time and if your maid of honor was asking about it yesterday then they're thinking about it.
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Bachelorette Dilemma

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