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Master May 2020

Bachelorette Ettiquette

Kari, on February 7, 2020 at 1:53 PM Posted in Parties and Events 1 11

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Having a bachelorette isn't super important to me, but I think it could be fun. However, I'm only having my best friend as my MOH and no other bridesmaids, and she doesn't live in the area and knows very few of the people invited to our wedding. I had pretty much resolved to not having a bachelorette because I didn't want her to feel pressure to take time off work or travel, and since there aren't any other bridesmaids involved she hasn't really had a group of girls to connect with or coordinate. As we get closer to our wedding and my FH is reaching out to his groomsmen a lot, I'm starting to feel a little like I'm missing out and focusing all my time and energy on the wedding itself but not giving myself any space to have any other fun associated with being a fiance or bride-to-be.

Originally, before I was engaged, my MOH and I always talked about just going camping and drinking around a campfire for a bachelorette, but the timing of our wedding kinda nixes that plan. Then I thought it would be super fun to go to the Kentucky Derby (my best friend and I met through horses when we were in middle school, and we'd get to dress up in ridiculous outfits and enjoy cocktails while being "classy") and she loves the idea, but I don't want her having to pay my way because she doesn't have any other BM to split the cost with and it could be a lot to swing just weeks before the wedding. My MOH doesn't have contact info for any of my other girlfriends or even my FH, so I know she isn't secretly planning something right now. My FH wants me to do some pre-wedding fun and said he was just going to have his groomsmen's wives and some other girl friends nearby take me out, but I know my MOH would be really upset if I had a bachelorette girls night and she wasn't involved (she'd feel both guilty/bad for not putting it together, and disappointed that she didn't get to celebrate with me). My MOH is about a 4 hour drive, so travel isn't super inconvenient or expensive, but its also a full day round trip, so not something someone can just do easily without any planning either. Going to her wouldn't be an option because none of my other friends could be involved, and I kinda hate the area we grew up in (where she still lives) anyway, so it wouldn't be fun for me.

I know its bad etiquette to ask for a party, but if the MOH isn't planning anything is there a way to broach the topic? Is it rude to "accept" a party from someone who isn't a bridesmaid or related to the bride or groom? I don't want to force my MOH to do anything but I don't want to just miss out because she isn't doing anything, and I don't want to hurt her feelings by participating in something she can't be a part of.

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11 Comments

Latest activity by Kari, on February 10, 2020 at 2:10 PM

VIP February 2020
Julie · on February 7, 2020 at 2:21 PM
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Why not just pay your way for the Kentucky Derby and maybe she can buy you dinner or something?
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on February 7, 2020 at 2:22 PM
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And you can have her invited to the wives' thing so she's included. She'd still have her bridesmaid time with you
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Master May 2020
Kari · on February 7, 2020 at 2:30 PM
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I think it would be fun but it's just weeks before our wedding so I'd need to pay for round trip flights, hotel, etc and don't feel like I can justify the cost and time off work. I'd love to do an outdoors thing (casinos, clubs, bars, etc don't really appeal to me) but our wedding is in spring so the weather won't be good until maybe the month before (I'm in New Hampshire) and it feels like a lot to ask her to travel up here twice just weeks apart. Maybe I'll just suck it up and travel to New Jersey and we can go to the Bronx Zoo or Museum of Natural History in the city. Not really what I want to do but the timing just isn't great for much else.
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Master May 2020
Kari · on February 7, 2020 at 2:31 PM
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It's the travel that is challenging. If we lived in the same area it would be a non-issue. We usually see each other a couple times a year at most so trying to get together more than that for wedding related stuff is proving challenging. I should probably just go back to my original mindset of not having a bachelorette and just be okay with it.
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on February 7, 2020 at 2:31 PM
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How far are you from NYC? I went to hibachi and karaoke with my crew
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Master May 2020
Kari · on February 7, 2020 at 2:35 PM
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I live four hours from NYC and don't enjoy the city at all. To me its loud, dirty, and crowded. I get that there is a lot there and some people think it's vibrant and full of culture and interesting things but it's just the opposite of what makes me feel happy and brings me joy. I'm definitely the camping in the woods, hike up a mountain with trees, nature, and fresh air type.

Now that I think about it I'd probably just rather not have a bachelorette!
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Dedicated 0000
Springbride · on February 7, 2020 at 3:29 PM
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I know its non traditional, but I'm helping plan my bachelorette you could always start a group chat with your MOH and whoever else you might want to invite. I'm inviting my mom and aunts and FMIL which if you do the Kentucky derby I don't see why you couldn't invite family (unless you don't want too) . you don't have to ask for people to pay for you if you don't mind chipping in. I'm sure your friends would love to celebrate with you. people don't have to go if they don't want to.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on February 7, 2020 at 4:58 PM
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Traditions have changed. I know plenty of brides who have decided to some extent what they wanted to do and left some planning to the others. My friend sais she wanted to go to San Francisco for her bachelorette but her bridal party planned events there; she paid for her flight. Anyone can throw you a bachelorette but has not be the MOH. As a many time brides maid I have helped plan bachelorettes. You can help plan or maybe if other ladies do want to do something can one of them get in touch with the MOH to help plan? Why can't you still go camping and you book the campsite and leave it to the other ladies what activities to do?
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Dedicated April 2021
Samantha · on February 7, 2020 at 5:47 PM
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Yea I'm helping out my sister with my bachelorette festivities and even paying my share for most of it. I guess I felt bad making people cover my share
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on February 10, 2020 at 1:06 PM
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I assume your close with your MOH so I'd just ask her. We have a friend getting married over memorial day weekend. She has 1 MOH and they are having a small ceremony with just immediate family, then a larger reception. Her MOH is still hosting a bachelorette and including all of us.
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