Bachelorette Party Unequal Payments? Am i missing something?

View Quoted Comment Right? Job titles mean nothing. And student loan debt can be crippling.
The better thing to do would be query everyone - privately - to see what their budget would be for the party. Right now I would say $150 because I just had to pay my taxes (messed up witholding) and my daughter in college had an ER visit to an out of network hospital (she’s ok). Which is to say - what someone is willing to pay for a bach may have zero to do with their station in life, and be about their spending priorities. And you can’t tell that by looking at them!

Did they want a pricier Airbnb and figured the only want to pay for it was to charge more to the people who they assume have more disposable income? Either way, seems strange and offensive to make those kind of assumptions. It seems like the budget should be set at the lowest budget per person and if that isn't enough for the hosts, they can cover the difference.

This is the craziest thing I’ve heard. Just because you have a “better job” doesn’t mean you should pay more. First of all, the planner has no idea what your financial situation is with student loans, mortgage or rent, etc. I m the type of person that would call her out on it. If people can’t afford to come then that’s not on you and of course you could always offer to help others if you chose to do so. I wouldn’t be ok with this at all!!

Just because you have a "better paying" job, does not mean you can afford more. I have a mortgage, car payment, and other bills that are no ones business but my own. I could be making 200k a year (I wish) and still be in debt. I would call her out on it and say either it's split evenly, or I'm not going. Even if she went back and split it evenly I would be quite sour about it and probably not go anyway.

View Quoted Comment Right? And I just last year paid down some debt but that means I need to work on savings now...so I would not go to an expensive bach. That does not mean I want someone to pay for me! I would be pretty insulted.

Wow they have some nerve to just assume what people can afford to pay when they have no idea what anyone's obligations are. Even if you can afford to pay more you shouldn't have to unless you want to. As others have already said, the planners should have asked everyone for their budgets before booking anything. Does the higher amount they want you to pay come with your own private bedroom and bathroom while the ones paying less have to share? I doubt it.

I would tell them that you'll only attend if the costs are split evenly and if they refuse to do that you'll be expecting your deposit back since you never agreed to, nor were you ever consulted about, an uneven distribution of costs.

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OP, I totally agree with needmorewine (p.s. LOVE that screenname!!) on this one. Regarding OP's follow-up question of "Advice on going and having fun? Advice on eating $100 and not going?"....I think I personally would first try what needmorewine suggests: "I would tell them that you'll only attend if the costs are split evenly and if they refuse to do that you'll be expecting your deposit back since you never agreed to, nor were you ever consulted about, an uneven distribution of costs."

If that doesn't work at all, I would probably eat the $100 and not go....because this sounds like it's getting pricier *and* less logical by the minute...and that's a bad combo!...so who knows what kind of financial obligation you're potentially walking into, since the planners aren't being upfront about costs.

EVEN IF the ridiculousness stopped here (which sounds unlikely), and it was rainbows and butterflies from here on out, I would be kinda salty / have this weird "financial assumption" garbage hanging over the trip and affecting my experience. What's more likely (if you decide for the "go and have fun" option) is.....the planners hit everyone with more and more unexpected (and extravagant) required costs as time goes on.....and you give up control of your finances when it comes to this trip....and it won't live up to the high price tag. That would be my fear regarding this situation!

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I would ask for your $100 back, say you never agreed to unequal division of the funds and you don't agree to the terms.

Has anything been booked? Also, who is the planner?

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I agree with this too, that if this nonsense is happening now, it won't stop. They will tack on more costs for activities and food and beverages and possibly distribute those unevenly too. You have no idea how much you'll end up spending if you go.

Eesh, yeah....I hate confrontation, but I’d feel like this would need to be addressed head on. My instinct might be to back out, but that’s probably not fair to my friend the bride who might not want it this way at all. So I guess I’d have to approach the “hosts” and say that I have some concerns about the cost breakdown and that it might not be best to base it on perceived income. I’d try to offer a suggestion of asking individual attendees their budget for the event and working from there. Tbh I’d assume that most who got that message were taken aback and don’t know what to say (so you could start by approaching the others to assess how they feel about it)


Honestly, though it’s certainly a bit tone deaf, extremely weird, and a bit dumb, the *intention* behind it seems like it’s actually trying to be kind and inclusive (assuming the hosts aren’t just trying to dump the burden), so it might be an easy conversation — if I had the best of intentions but missed the mark, I would want to know and want to change ! I think the best way to approach the conversation is to have a suggestion of a different way to try to achieve balance or distribute costs.

That's ridiculous! it should be equal.

This is so inappropriate on so many levels. I would first talk to the planners to see if they're willing to change things and split costs evenly before backing out. If they refuse, then I'd back out. Shelly the dancer might be living with her parents and have no bills to worry about, and Sally the doctor might have 6 figures of student loans. Deciding how much people should contribute based on their career titles is super messed up.

I.... just.... I'm honestly just absolutely astounded that anyone would think that's okay. Your job doesn't dictate your financial situation, and your financial situation is none of anyone else's business. You can even look at 2 people who make just about the same and their financial situations are just wildly different. For a real life example, take my sister (accountant) and my best friend (physical therapist). They make roughly the same amount and both have school loans they're paying down. The hospital my best friend works at is in the same city as her parents, so she lives at home without paying rent and has already paid off about 85% of her loans. Other than the monthly loan payments, she's basically just saving money and has a fairly good amount of disposable income. My sister rents a room in a house in the LA area (so super HCOL) and pre-pandemic would have about a 2 hour commute each day (mostly working from home now, but I digress). With her rent, other bills, the gas for those commutes, and school loan payments she's only slightly "better off" than paycheck-to-paycheck. In this scenario they'd likely be told to pay the same amount and while the best friend could do it, my sister likely wouldn't be able to.

I definitely agree with PPs that what they're asking is incredibly rude and not okay by any standards. Personally, I would probably speak to the other guests to get their thoughts on it before going to the hosts. My reasoning is that if everyone is feeling the same way, having a strong united front when speaking to the hosts will likely get the message across more clearly than just one person talking to them. If the others didn't have a problem with the costs being split like that, then I'd go to the hosts directly and let them know how I'm feeling. I agree with PPs that the cost should be split evenly and if the hosts are unwilling to do that you should get your $100 deposit back because you were not informed of their plans and did not agree to the terms.

This is definitely not a new normal thing. The choice to go or not ultimately lies with you, and I would just encourage you to think through how you would feel about going given the current situation and how the hosts respond to a request to change how payments are split up. Also, if they never talked to the guests about their budgets in the first place, that could be an indication that they don't really care and will try to force people to pay more than they're able to further down the road. I certainly hope that, as Mcskipper said, they're just trying to be kind and inclusive but are just not going about it the right way. However, the realist in me thinks that likely isn't the case.

This is ridiculous! Everyone going should pay equal amounts. If I was invited to this, I would tell the host that unless everything was split equally, I would not be attending.

That's really messed up. Someone's job gives no indication of their financial standing. What if Doc Sally has a heroin problem? What if Dancer Shelley is a secret stock market genius? There's so many different things that make us all different and human, it's utterly odd to assume anything about anyone because of a job title. I think being offended is going a bit far personally. Everyone gets offended way too easily these days. Definitely feel free to open your mouth and communicate kindly about how it bothers you with the bride or leave a review about the planners to warn others. You can always choose not to go if you're that offended. Then it will cost more for everyone, so that might end that issue real quick.

View Quoted Comment You ladies are all very right! Definitely getting crazier by the minute 🤦🏻‍♀️

If I was “Shelly the dancer” I’d actually be really offended. I mean everyone has summed it up nicely you help someone who asks for it and keep everyone’s budget in mind while planning. You don’t divid the bridesmaids into a class system. Yikes.

Yeah that’s weird it would be even across the bored. Ans if you need help in paying and someone else can help you payment wise then that’s different but saying you pay this because of your job isn’t fair

That is super weird.

I think its normal for things to not be perfectly evenly split, but it seems rude of a host to just make assumptions and assign different rates for people based on what they "perceive" is the cost someone can afford to pay. Someone with an advanced degree, high career status, and good salary could have a TON of student loan debt (or medical debt, or any number of factors that they aren't sharing publicly). By the same token someone might be a freelance writer who makes barely above minimum wage but is a trust fund kid and can blow $1000 on a weekend without batting an eye.

I would definitely take issue with an event that is planned this way. Hosts are responsible for establishing a reasonable budget that accounts for what the bride wants as well as what attendees can pay.

My husband hosted a bachelor party for a friend and split the bill evenly based on what was reasonable for everyone. He planned a party within the means of the group, and then any unaccounted costs (or if there was someone in a tight spot) he paid extra for. So if there was one guy who wanted to come but was struggling, he just covered that guy so the groom could have the weekend he wanted with his friends. My husband set himself a budget much higher than the average split price for the event that he anticipated all the guys would pay, so he'd have some wiggle room if a situation like that arose.

I admit I'm new to the AirBnB thing in general, but that seems really bizarre. Even when going out to dinner with friends for someone's birthday, the bill wasn't divvied up based on everyone's salary. Not the best comparison, I'm sure, but I would think that it wouldn't be that difficult to split the AirBnB cost evenly amongst everyone who's staying there, regardless of how much money they make.