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Beginner March 2019

Bachelorette trip struggles

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Anne, on December 5, 2018 at 2:55 PM

Hi ya’ll. So, my fiancé and I both agreed we wanted to take bachelor/bachelorette trips before our wedding. His groomsmen and friends love going on guys trips and have higher salaries and it’s now turned into this big 5 night event in Vegas for him (which is awesome). I had planned myself what I thought was a sensible girls weekend in Miami, but the feedback my MOH received from everyone was it was too expensive, too long (3 nights), and they all had travel date conflicts. I’ve now tried to rearrange, but essentially it’s still to expensive to do what I want to do :-( The point of Miami was to get some warmth and sunshine and get out of the winter cold. Also my mom is in FL and I thought to include her in some of the fun! I also don’t think I should stay local while my fiancé is on this big trip... I’m starting to feel disappointed because I want my friends to be able to enjoy with me (only invited 4 girls total) but it seems like it’s not feasible. I’m also not having a shower because I was asking these closest friends to take this trip (so no money spent on shower) and I’m doing everything I can to ensure my two bridesmaids don’t have to spend much money at all (dress is like $160 and that’s essentially it). Anyways... just a little sad and frustrated. I feel like I’m planning everything for the wedding and cutting as many corners as I can...it’s hard for me to make it “about me, the bride!” as I’m always trying to please everyone else. Help!

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30 Comments

Beginner March 2019
Anne · on December 5, 2018 at 6:10 PM
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Dear Mim, you are so beyond wrong and know nothing about the situation. I’m only responding now because of your very personal suggestion that you know about my personal relationships...? No one is paying for me to go on vacation. I’m paying my way. I have my two best friends as BM and I told them my goals of price range for our wedding to be respectful and allow them to plan, including BM dress cost (less than $200) and what my expectations were so that it was clear and no confusion. My expectations were that they help me look for a dress, wear a BM dress, show up to my big day, and I let them know I wanted to try to do a small trip together, if feasible. This is not being sprung on anyone and no one is being disrespected. I really think you need to slow your roll with the suggestions that I am ruining my friendships because that is not the case AT ALL.
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Mim · on December 5, 2018 at 6:30 PM
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I'd really like to give you a hug, seriously I would, to help you realize that your expectations are the issue. You shouldn't have told them budgets and expectations. The only budget discussion should have been you asking friend/family member privately what her budget is for the dress. That's it. Expecting them to help find your dress is too much. Yes, wedding party frequently choose to do that, but it's their choice. If you honestly only wanted a trip if it was feasible, you wouldn't have become disappointed and dramatic about all of this. Please take a step back, for your own wellbeing if nothing else.

I'm not being mean. I'm being straightforward, and hoping that you can see ways that you can minimize the stress and drama during what should be an enjoyable time.

I'm also glad to hear that you were planning to pay your own way for a trip.
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Dedicated February 2019
Eri · on December 6, 2018 at 7:42 AM
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Maybe do a closer-to-home bachelorette party for everyone, and then go visit your mom in Florida by yourself for a quick trip/time in the sun before the wedding. I know how disappointing it can be for big plans to fall through, but try to remember the whole point of a bachelorette party is to spend time with your best friends. It really doesn't matter where you are!
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on December 6, 2018 at 12:49 PM
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Where do you live? Would San Diego or LA be cheaper? Or Texas? So still warm & sunshine & beaches but cheaper. I'm going to Palm Springs for mine! I think you'll have fun regardless, but maybe plan a 2 night weekend nearby.
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Master September 2018
Jennifer · on December 7, 2018 at 10:58 AM
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I get that you are upset, but let it go. My H traveled from NJ to Austin Texas for 6 DAYS with 12 of his friends, I was super excited for him and he had a wonderful once in a lifetime trip with so many friends he hardly gets to see. On the other hand we traveled to a semi- local beach for 3 days and had a super, super affordable bach party. I would not have changed it for anything, honestly it didn't matter if we all stayed in NJ at my friends beach house. Don't do the compare thing with your FH for the parties, enjoy the one your thrown.
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Beginner March 2021
Miranda · on December 12, 2018 at 12:45 PM
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I'm sorry some of these comments have made you feel worse, and have not been very kind. I am planning for a January bachelorette party, and live in Boston. I am in grad school, and have just been asked to fly to Florida for a weekend for a bachelorette party for one of my friends, and even though money is tight, I will make it work, but it is not ideal for me. My FH was invited last year to go across the country for a 5 day trip, however, and he had to decline due to money and taking time off from work. At that time, I was appalled the groom expected so much. For my bach party, I definitely want a day about "me," but I also know the feeling of being stretched too thin, and I don't want anyone to feel like that. In addition, I had an engagement party in Boston this summer, and a friend that moved to NJ made me feel terrible because she "worked really hard to make the trip work." Therefore, I have told my MOH I want something special, but understand traveling far can be hard, so instead, I am asking for a luxe, cozy party with a spa day, etc. I also made it VERY clear that no one needs to feel obligated to come, and I definitely don't want to feel like I owe friends a favor for putting in ridiculous effort to come--I would rather they don't come. Could you ask a few more friends to go that would make the cost a bit lower for each person? And find something luxurious a bit closer to home with fireplaces, spas, etc. to get that warm, cozy feeling? Even though not ideal, I am sure there are amazing options closer to you that may surprise you!
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Beginner March 2019
Anne · on December 12, 2018 at 12:54 PM
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Thanks Miranda, yeah it can be a struggle especially when people point out the effort they made to attend...I’m not sure what that accomplished besides making the bride or couple feel bad. I’ve told my MOH to just take over, and have offered to cover the Airbnb cost for Miami if that would make it more realistic. I just can’t imagine a cozy update NY retreat being any less expensive (travel, rooms, food, activities) but I’m sure my MOH will figure something out.
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Beginner March 2021
Miranda · on December 12, 2018 at 12:57 PM
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That's true too. Good luck! I'm sure it will be great, wherever it is
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Super October 2019
Misty · on December 14, 2018 at 3:20 PM
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Have you asked your MOH to come up with some great ideas to run by you and the group? MOH is really supposed to be actively helping with planning and the whole process. Maybe if you ask her to get creative and come up with some ideas, do some budgeting to see how much it would cost, etc.... then you Eid have a better insight on what everyone is excited to do.
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Just Said Yes June 2023
Lindsay · on April 21, 2024 at 4:34 PM
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I understand the feeling, you want this special weekend. However I learned through the wedding process that even with good friends, nobody cares about your wedding festivities as much as you do. When people are in their 20's and 30's they get invited to multiple weddings that means travel, gifts, dresses etc. many times over and over. It's not that they don't care, but it is hard to ask people to put a lot into your wedding. I have found that pushing friends into trips like this builds more resentment than builds your relationship and may not be worth it if you are getting pushback. If everyone is local that is a golden opportunity to do something local or maybe 1-2hr away, etc I wish I had that option. I probably would be upset too if my friend asked me to travel for a bachelorette weekend when everyone was local and able to do something with less travel. I only would understand if everyone has to travel anyway (long distance friends). Is it 'fair' compared to your husband's trip maybe not but what works for him and his friends may not work for yours and that is okay.
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