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Brittany
July 2021

Best friend will miss my wedding

Brittany, on June 22, 2021 at 12:05 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 19
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I am upset my best friend/ basically family won't be attending my wedding.. I am right to feel upset?


Backstory: My fiance asked me to marry him probably 5 times randomly and very casually over the course of 2 years, so the first times I didn't even know if he was serious (he's terrible at this stuff). So we started talking about a July 4th wedding because we thought it was a cute idea to have fireworks, but we didn't plan anything. So March comes along and I'm talking to my best friend and sister about it and how I'm not sure what's happening with the engagement. They responded to to talk to him and tell him I want to get married July 4th and set it in stone. That night I discussed it with him and he got excited that we were really going to get married. I was super glad we're on the same page. I start searching for venues, we tell the parents and my friend is excited.
A few days later my friend was talking to me about the wedding and goes oh no I'm supposed to go to Spain for 3 weeks, can't you get married next year, or a different weekend? Hers the issue my fiance and I have a baby and we ate trying for another, so I don't want to do it the following year with a newborn and a toddler Also next year July 4th is a monday. I moved my baby shower last year for her vacation she was suppose to take but couldn't because of covid. She always has me move my plans for her.So I said said no and I never say no and she's like I guess I can't go to your wedding then. She didn't even know if she could go to Spain due to the covid restrictions, I said can you move the vacation around and she said no because because her boyfriend's family would be upset (okay it's a group trip I get that) I Said can you come back a week early they're pretty lenient with flexible air times during covid She said no and I volunteered to pay for her to come back a week early and she said no.

19 Comments

Latest activity by Tiger Bride, on June 23, 2021 at 3:08 PM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    You're entitled to your feelings and it's fine to be upset that you're best friend won't be at your wedding, but this is one of the potential pitfalls in planning a quick wedding that will fall over a holiday weekend. It sounds like you didn't make any plans until March of this year, so I'm assuming your friend's trip was already planned by then. The best thing is to tell her that you understand she can't change her vacation and you'll miss her at the wedding.

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  • Brittany
    July 2021
    Brittany ·
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    I don't think I'd be as upset if she didn't so this every year. She goes on vacation and she expects us to plan things around around her. Its like she's always on vacation.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    I can understand the frustration with that, but this is where boundaries are important. If you’ve always said yes before, it’s time to start saying no. Maybe you’ll find that she realizes she can’t walk all over people or maybe you’ll realize she wasn’t really that great of a friend, but boundaries are always essential.
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  • Jasmine S.
    VIP May 2022
    Jasmine S. ·
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    I'm usually a believer that if someone is truly your best friend, they will do anything to be at your wedding, no matter what it takes. However, four months is VERY short notice for anyone, especially on a holiday weekend. I understand her plans are set in stone now. You also said she does vacations every year. If you wanted her there that badly, you could have predicted she would be away (especially since it's a holiday and probably the majority of Americans will be away) and chosen another date. You did the right thing offering to pay her travel fees, but she's not taking the compromise. It sounds like some poor choices were made on both sides here. But I'm sorry this is happening to you and I hope you enjoy your day anyway!
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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    I would of course be disappointed if my best friend couldn’t attend my wedding. However, if she had an international vacation planned with her significant other’s family, I would never be mad/upset with her. Especially if I decided to plan my wedding that last minute! When you do not plan at least a year in advance, these are the complications you run into. You basically have two choices here. You just need to ask yourself which is more important- that you get married this year on that specific date, or that you have your best friend present at your wedding.
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  • Brittany
    July 2021
    Brittany ·
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    We've been planning since beginning of March so everything's paid for July.
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  • Brittany
    July 2021
    Brittany ·
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    She doesn't tell me when she goes on vacation I just say Hey I want to do this 6 months from now when she goes OK and then like 3 months later goes I'm going on vacation
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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    Perfect! Then that means the decision has already been made - you will get married this July, and your best friend will have to decline attending. Since it is already final, there is no point in continuing to dwell on the situation. Unfortunately, sometimes scheduling conflicts arise and we cannot attend everything we would like to. Your friend obviously understands that you and your fiancé wish to get married on this particular date, and although she is disappointed she cannot attend, she is accepting and respecting your decision. You need to do the same for her.
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  • Brittany
    July 2021
    Brittany ·
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    Sorry I'm just bummed out.
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  • Brittany
    July 2021
    Brittany ·
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    Yeah, I'm just upset. I think I'm more upset now because I didn't even know if she could go until a week ago. She just kept going it depends on covid restrictions.
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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    Totally understandable. I think when all of us plan our weddings, we always envision our best friends being by our side. It’s totally normal to feel disappointed that she won’t be there. I think the best thing for you at this point though, is to just accept what is, and not dwell on the negative. Remind yourself of all the friends and family that WILL be there, and do not let the absence of one person rain on your special day! Could you maybe plan a bachelorette party that your friend could attend, so that you can still have a special wedding-related experience with her before she leaves for vacation?
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  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I get you feel upset and feel that you are always changing your plans because of her trips. However if you are always planning things last minute it is to be expected that people will already have things planned for that day. Your wedding sounds like you are planning it last minute so again it's to be expected for some people not to be able to attend. And that's ok, you don't have to change your plans but she doesn't have to change her plans either. I'm sure it sucks but it is what it is.
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  • Jasmine S.
    VIP May 2022
    Jasmine S. ·
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    This really socks but based on her past behavior, it sounds like she's BSing you and doesn't care. If she knew your wedding date and decided to go on vacation after, that's not something a good friend does. Also, she will have many opportunities to go on vacation with her SO, but your wedding is literally a once-in-a-lifetime event. I would keep an eye on her after the wedding and see if this behavior continues.
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  • Brittany
    July 2021
    Brittany ·
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    I started planning my baby shower the second I got pregnant.
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  • Brittany
    July 2021
    Brittany ·
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    I don't do things last minute, this is situational, it's a small wedding 4 months seemed adequate. I planned my baby shower starting the second I got pregnant. she's said I should go for it and get married July 4th. Then after I started planning, everyone was excited, parents involved she asked me to change the date.

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  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
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    Planning a wedding within only 4 months is very last minute. And most people plan vacations a year in advance because that's when you can get the best deals.
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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
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    My best friend, who was also my MOH and only bridesmaid, didn't come to my wedding. We originally planned our wedding for last spring, but had to bump it back a year due to Covid. Then my friend got pregnant and her due date was the same week as our wedding. Do I wish she had been there? Absolutely. Was there anything either of us could do about the situation? Not really.

    Big things, like weddings, international family vacations, reunions, graduations, are often planned months, sometimes years in advance. You can't really be upset that your friend already had plans for July when you set your date in March. Its an unfortunate situation and okay to be bummed, but not fair for you to hold it against your friend or expect her to change her plans.

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  • J
    Judith ·
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    I can understand. But don't let other people say it was your having too short a time, or whatever. A bride's best friend, or mother, or brother, can have the best intentions in the world, then one has strep throat, one cannot get here because of an airline strike, and the third is on bed rest for her back, all 3 days before the wedding. Worrying about whose fault things are to not be there is silly, since it can as easily be by something unplanned as planned. Enjoy those who are there, most of whom you will spend 10 minutes or less with. Understand that no vacation should be sacrificed for 10 minutes of your company plus a view from pictures. So, no bad feeling. See does what she wants for weeks, rather than letting a short day end it. You get married. And now you have someone to sit with for hours, later, and review pics and the videotape.
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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    I have a domestic vacation I take every July (not around the 4th). If someone was upset that I went on this vacation because I went last year, I'd find that...odd. It's a yearly event I go to...of course it's at the same time as last year?

    International trips are a big deal, often booked months in advance, expensive flights, possibly the only time you might be able to go to that specific destination. By the sounds of it, your friend was supposed to go last year, but couldn't. It's unreasonable to expect her to change travel plans and come back a full week early from an international vacation even if you offer to pay.

    Four months is not a lot of time to plan a wedding at all, and it sounds like nobody knew this was even happening until March.

    That said, if you have the wedding planned, it's also unreasonable for her to expect you to change the date, if that is what she asked you to do.

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