bil forcing a plus one

It's not your fault he has a a terrible life. Your BIL is going to have a hard time fulfilling his groomsmen tasks if he has to be a caregiver at your wedding. This man has no significant meaning to you or anyone else in your or your fh's family, right? I mean he's not a family member, is he?

This man may not even want to come to your wedding but if invited would be in a pickle if he refused someone he has to rely on so strongly. Your BIL is putting this man between a rock and a hard place. NOT kind.

Stick to your guns, this is NOT your problem to solve.

Of course you don’t have to give him a plus one, that’s a given.


Is it possible he has a very close relationship with this man and wants to share the day with him? Long term care can be pretty intense and strong relationships develop. I have a friend who has been a caregiver and she will usually bring whoever she’s caring for to more casual events with her family and friends.
It’s absolutely your decision of course, if your BIL does not get a plus one, then he doesn’t get a plus one.

Is being a caregiver your brother's job? In that case, this man would be like his client (unsure of the proper wording). It would not be appropriate to bring someone with that kind of relationship. It's generally understood that a +1 is for a date or maybe a family member, but your brother isn't granted one. This man has nothing to do with your marriage and the previous poster is right that it would take your brother away from his groomsman duties. I don't think this is a case where you can hire a bouncer or security to keep them out, since this man is in a vulnerable position. Maybe you can livestream the wedding if it's that important to include him in some way (which it isn't, but your brother doesn't seem to see that). Hopefully your brother doesn't try to pull this at his own wedding.

I agree with PP, live-streaming the event might be a great compromise. There are lots of free and low-cost live streaming services out there. In any case, I think you and FH need to have another conversation with BIL. I would be very gentle and understanding when speaking to him, but also very firm on your decision. Acknowledge his special relationship with his gentlemen, and how great you think it is. However, him not attending is not a monetary issue- it is an issue with space. Only a limited amount of people can be accommodated in your space, and those places are being reserved for closest friends and family. Plus, adding this person will force you to redo hours of work on the seating charts. Also, having this gentleman attend while BIL Is a wedding party member is going to be horribly inconvenient for everybody, including the disabled gentlemen. Maybe break down BIL’s wedding day schedule for him (oftentimes men do not understand how much time is required of BP members). Once he sees he will be indisposed most of the day/evening with getting ready with the guys, taking photos prior to the ceremony, being in the ceremony, taking photos after the ceremony, etc. hopefully he will realize that this man will likely not enjoy attending the event. He will essentially be left alone the majority of the time, without a caregiver that he obviously needs. (Plus, who likes going to a wedding for strangers when you don’t know anybody?sounds awkward and boring for him!) Then, if you feel so inclined, you could offer to live stream the event so the gentleman could watch from the comfort of his own home. In the end, this is your wedding and only those you want to be in attendance should be.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for response I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being rude as we did receive a long guilt trip from in laws when we said no. He has No significant meaning to me or my FH. Maybe significant to BIL or in laws but when we told them both no my in laws gave us the “He has a terrible life and who knows how long to live. We need to make this guy a priority.” He has been taking care of this man for maybe two years now and they’re very close.

View Quoted Comment Yes they’re very close. FH and I of course are not. We have met this gentleman once at a casual family dinner. We appreciate their connection just hated the forcefulness and guilt trip we were given by BIL and in laws.

View Quoted Comment People get weird about weddings. But you’re not giving plus ones, so there is no need for guilt.
If other people were getting plus ones and he was the only one not, then I could see him having hurt feelings.

View Quoted Comment The only one getting plus ones in our bridal party are SO. Everyone else is not.

View Quoted Comment Technically, significant others aren’t plus ones, they are a social unit.
A plus one is given to someone not in a relationship, to bring a guest.

Explain to them again that you physically just cannot invite them. It's not that you don't want to, but you can't and explain the cuts you've already had to make. Explain that for him to come you would have to cut someone you know and want to be there like a friend or family member. Also have your fiance talk to them. Don't get in the middle. That's the best advice for any family conflict.

View Quoted Comment While it’s wonderful your BIL and in-laws have taken such a vested interest in bettering this man’s life, your wedding is NOT the occasion to “make this guy a priority”. On the contrary, you and FH should be the only priority on your wedding day!

I mean, is this man the SO of you BIL? If so, then you need to invite him. Otherwise, it's ok to not invite him. I will disagree with the post above though, you and FH are only a priority until you involve other people. Once you invite guests, you need to consider their needs.