bil is big mad about fil not being invited

Stand your ground. You are right to leave out anyone who may ruin your day. These people sound like they could become dangerous too. Invite only who YOU want and will make you and your FH happy. I also strongly recommend hiring security since there's a strong chance one or both of them could show up at the venue.

This is sticky situation because it family but why is the BIL in denial of their fathers alcoholism. And saying pretty much just let him keep drinking and letting it become more of a problem. How long has it been since he has seen his dad maybe things may be different now but by that he can make an determination then. And I under how you feel because we know how these ppl are we have done the same things didn't invite because of the same reasons and we know they will embarrass us. But before any decisions is made let him talk to him and see then just dont your STB family them he can make the call. Because we can not tell that you what to do just some advice. I hope that it all works out for you guys

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My fiance spoke to his dad just a few weeks ago. Previously, his father had been in an alcohol-related accident. My fiance traveled to NYC to visit his dad everyday that he was in the hospital and a few days after he was released. He basically told his dad that he had to choose between him and alcohol and his dad said he's a grown man and doesn't have to choose. That was the tipping point. His brother isn't in denial, he just thinks that we should respect whatever behavior comes because he is their father.

View Quoted Comment Ok I'm sorry for what happened to him but I was to say that next would or going to happen. I'm happy that he went to see him because for he got there he didn't know the details of it and went every day too. I know that your fiancee was hoping that since he has been spared that he will chooses to live and not hearing that. But I think that pretty much sealed it of his decision I still am hopeful that his dad choose him and get some help I hope that he still has time before your wedding. I know every person who gets married that they have that their parents and grandparents when they get married. I wish you and your family all the best and hope that everything works out.

View Quoted Comment Thank you!

Of course your fiance is right, he needs to stand his ground, set and enforce boundaries with toxic family, including immediate family and those who can't respect your decisions.
And no, you didn't cross a boundary by saying " if he is so uncomfortable, we could very simply not invite his brother": telling his brother this yourself would have been an overstepping move but you didn't do that.You have every right to give your advice unless he requested you not to.Hiring security is the thing to do so the dad won't be allowed to enter, as well as anyone his bro if you're ended up not inviting him and anyone who is not and the guest list you and your groom as provoding them in general.

Stand your ground and maintain boundaries. Don’t ever anyone bully or gaslight you for any reason. If you/fiancé need to, go no contact because he has no respect for you by doing this. Brother in law has no authority whatsoever to make demands and threats. If brother in law was my relative threatening me to bring someone I explicitly did not invite, then he would be immediately removed from the honor position and the guest list. Both he and the person he is threatening to bring would be permanent no contact and highlighted on a list of people for security to have removed if they show up.

View Quoted Comment I appreciate that

I think security is a really good idea here. It's not easy having to deal with hard decisions like this, and you were right to offer the suggestion you did. If you haven't booked venues or anything yet, I'd keep those details private and maybe put a password on your wedding website. They could of course get the details from someone else, but it will at least make it clear that you are holding firm on your decisions. You have no obligation to tolerate unacceptable behaviors from anyone, family or otherwise. Your fiancé told his father the alcoholism wasn't acceptable, and his father made his choice. That choice has consequences, and father and BIL are both going to have to accept that. Wishing you all the luck on this.

I think it's delicate territory, and ultimately the best thing to do is let your fiance decide what he wants to do (which it sounds like you're supportive of whatever choice he will make). Making different suggestions to him is helpful for brainstorming, but ultimately if he wants to invite his brother (and he decides to invite his dad), I think that's something you should also be supportive of. I decided to cut my dad out of my life at the age of 15 (parents are divorced) because it was a toxic relationship - I haven't had any communication with him for the last 15 years and it's a no brainer for me that he isn't invited to my wedding, but it sounds like the situation with your FH and his dad are still in the process of being...sorted out. Support your FH in his decision, but also let him have the difficult conversations with his brother and father as necessary - it would definitely come off as overstepping boundaries if the conversations came from you.

View Quoted Comment I totally agree and I wouldn't do that. He definitely doesn't want his dad there and I support that. But I think he needs to have a conversation with his brother regarding respecting our decision to NOT have his dad there. If my fiance decides to invite his brother and his dad...that's ok with me. I just worry that the day will become less about our union and more about looking over our shoulder to make sure his father is behaving. Lol!


I appreciate your input!!

This is tough. The brother is the one overstepping boundaries at this point because it is NOT HIS WEDDING. By no means are you overstepping. This is something you and your FH are doing together. At the end of the day it is about what you both want. Tell your FH to stand his ground on this one and although it may be upsetting and he may be torn, its what YOU want. You want peace and to have a good time. Especially if there’s an open bar.. it’s just recipe for potential disaster. If the BIL still insists on overstepping and making demands then he had to go also. There is no rule that says you need a best man and honestly this isn’t best man behavior. I hope it works out for you guys and I hope your day is perfect.

View Quoted Comment Thank you!!