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Beginner July 2023

bm wants to back out because she doesn’t like our gm

Carla, on June 10, 2023 at 9:25 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 16

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Long story short, GM and BM dated and broke up and got into a huge argument when they ended things. My FH is managing the GM and I’m working with the BM. Our wedding is one month away and the bach party is a few weeks away. My FH said the GM has decided to put his emotions aside for the wedding. We have made accommodations to keep them separated at the ceremony and reception. We are letting the BM bring a friend (not a date) to help her stay comfortable. She said she still might have to back out because she might freak out and have anxiety if she sees him. We are also setting boundaries and asking that our GM doesn’t bring a date to minimize the chances of confrontation or conflict. He has agreed to that request. I told her this is the only day of my life where this is about me and having her there would strengthen our friendship. This is not only about me marrying my FH, this is also about our friendship. She understands I will be very hurt if she backs out last minute. I paid for her flowers, dress, hair and makeup, wedding day gifts, all of her drinks, her meal, and her hotel. She said she’d pay me back which I appreciate but loyalty and friendship mean so much more to me than money. I’m staying calm and trying to be supportive but I’m really annoyed and disappointed that adults can’t manage themselves for one evening. What are your thoughts? What should I do if she backs out last minute? Tbf, this will affect my friendship with forever and I don’t think I’ll even continue our friendship if she backs out. Am I wrong for that? I only told my MOH and Mother because they’re planning the bach party in Miami. If she backs out, we have all agreed to disinvite her from the bach party. My Mom said she will keep her portion because other members of the bridal party should not suffer financially due to a last minute cancellation without a reasonable cause. If she was disabled, pregnant, death of a loved one or had a huge schedule conflict happened then she would return her money but to my (albeit very stern) mother this is a very selfish decision of hers. I’m so averse to drama and I really don’t know how to handle this. I want to be a sweet and loving bride to everyone in my BP. Need advice.

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16 Comments

Latest activity by Carla, on June 12, 2023 at 2:28 PM

Devoted April 2023
Peyton · on June 10, 2023 at 11:27 PM
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I would let her back out. If she participates in the wedding/bachelorette party, then all the focus will be on her. She will suck the life out of everything and you will be distracted. Adults can no longer be expected to be adults anymore. Just let her go…you don’t need to be babysitting her on the one special day of your life
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Beginner July 2023
Carla · on June 10, 2023 at 11:38 PM
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Hi Peyton,

Thank you for the response, my heart is truly broken now because she just said she can’t pay me back for any of the things I purchased for her and wants to back out because she doesn’t want to look at her ex. I should have included they broke up two years ago. You’re so right, I need to just let her go instead of trying to ask them to be mature and genuinely supportive. I know if I was in the same position, I’d show up for her or any of my other friends and find ways to manage myself in an adult-like manner. I guess I just want reciprocity.
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Amy · on June 11, 2023 at 12:01 AM
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They broke up two years ago? I thought from your first post it had only been a few weeks.

If it has really been two years, I would be extremely irritated that my best friend couldn't pull it together for me for one night.
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Beginner July 2023
Carla · on June 11, 2023 at 12:14 AM
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Yes, they broke up two years ago, isn’t that crazy? To me it sounds like the behavior of a teenager and not a fully grown woman in her mid 30s. Neither of them are violent people nor is the GM an emotional person, actually, very much the opposite. I am so annoyed. We’re trying to accommodate her by making a multitude of adjustments to our wedding just so she feels supported and validated. I told her that I valued her so much as a person and I’m willing to help her in any way that I can. I don’t know if I can see myself having a positive relationship with her after witnessing this in her character. I feel awful for even thinking that way in the first place but after spending a grand on her, spending the last 10 months planning for her to be in my wedding, and trying to adhere to her emotional distress, and not being repaid or supported on my big day is a really huge turn off.
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Beginner July 2023
Carla · on June 11, 2023 at 12:16 AM
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Oh and this was all ignited because he recently found a new girlfriend and she saw it on social media.
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VIP October 2022
Taylor · on June 11, 2023 at 1:19 AM
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I mean is she like a best friend? Or just a good friend? I don’t know. I would be sad but I dont think I would be mad or hold it against my friend. Because whether or not I feel their reasonings are valid doesn’t matter. I don’t get to decide if the reasons my friend doesn’t want to be around or do something are good enough reasons. Maybe I’m too laid back, I don’t know. I think my husband and I wouldn’t have included them in our bridal party and let them know it was so either could decide not to come if they didn’t want to and then there would’ve been no pressure or money lost
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VIP October 2022
Taylor · on June 11, 2023 at 1:21 AM
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But I would definitely expect some kind of repayment on money already spent. Because she should’ve said way before now if she didn’t think she could handle it
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CM · on June 11, 2023 at 1:38 AM
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If this was strictly about flaking, I'd say she's immature and should ideally have been able to step up and be an adult about all this two years later. How do divorced parents cope at a child's wedding? How do parents manage to share custody after a bitter break up? They step up, act civilly when they have to cross paths and move on with their lives. But I also think you have to accept that this is likely not about you or your friendship at all but her acknowledged severe anxiety and mental state. Unless you really know what's going on with her mental health, and you never really can know with people, I don't think you can come to the conclusion that this is about her feelings about your friendship, or her character.
All this is frustrating and disappointing, I understand. But anxiety is a real disorder and put into perspective, none of this is the end of the world. If you cared about her before I think you should try to have some compassion. Of course, if she has a history of flaking on things and manipulating people and this is just the last straw that's another story. If not, though, I think it would be wrong to treat her the way you and your mother intend.
As for the money, you didn't have to do many of those things, you chose to. Hosting always comes with some unexpected last minute cancellations or expenses. It goes with the territory. Some of those costs seem like they can be recouped. A month out I doubt you will have to pay for her hotel, food and drink. Perhaps hair and makeup can be used by another friend or family member. Dress? If you're In the US, that was generous but her responsibility. Etc.
I disagree with not refunding her the bachelorette money if she doesn't end up coming, though I personally would not disinvite her. IMO people have no business planning the kind of thing that puts people in the position of needing to chip in more if someone has to drop out in the first place.
You say that if she was disabled, ill etc. you'd be a lot more understanding. Well she may be, just not the way you are thinking of it.
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Beginner July 2023
Carla · on June 11, 2023 at 1:47 AM
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Hi Taylor,

Thank you so much for responding with a very calm and collected perspective. We grew up together starting in our tweens and now we’re in our mid 30s. We have been good friends for many, many years. I guess you’re right, I shouldn’t let my personal opinion dictate my response to the situation. However, I think she could at least attend as a guest but seeing her ex on social media with his brand new girlfriend made her decide she didn’t want to come. I would have totally respected her boundaries had she communicated this to me sooner and not after I invested months of planning and an extra $1000 for her to be there. I had no issue paying for her because like I said previously, friendship and loyalty matters so much more to me than money. Now I’m not getting any of it back or even an attendance. There will be over 200 people at our wedding and the venue is massive so it’s not like they’d even be in a space where they have to be near each other. My cortisol levels are so high right now and I have a lot to unpack. If I’m going to be frank, I feel totally ripped off my someone I thought I could trust. Maybe it’s my fault for spending the money, but she did ask for my help. Ugh, I just have so many emotions right now.
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Beginner July 2023
Carla · on June 11, 2023 at 2:10 AM
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Hi CM,

I appreciate you taking the time to explain your thoughts. I have severe anxiety and depression and had many people who ended it all because of their dark thoughts. I’m 100% an advocate for mental health preservation and think that should always come before anything because of how badly things can end if it’s left unaddressed. However, they were civil for the past year until this point so that’s what really threw me into a loop. They attended our engagement party, wedding shower, and other pre wedding events and could be in the same room they just pretty much ignored each other and we all had so much fun. It’s just odd she would make this last minute decision after she’s been dating other men but can’t stand to see him with a new girlfriend. Imo, they should be able to cope with something like this for a few hours. I’ve known her for a long time and she never really had a debilitating anxiety disorder in the 20 years we’ve been friends so now I’m confused about why it’s manifesting now. I have to find ways to get some of my money back, for sure. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be shown some appreciation and not be flaked on after supporting her through so much. She’s in a huge amount of debt from maxing out her credit cards so in hindsight it was naive of me to help her out. Regardless, my friendship matters more than money and I’m in a financial position to help out. Still feels like a slap in the face. I agree with you, “They step up, act civilly if their paths cross and move on with their lives.” I think seeing this from a woman in her 30s is a major turn off. Like it’s time to get your stuff together but maybe I’m just being resentful. I’m just trying to process this, it all happened so unexpectedly.
Edited by WeddingWire
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Beginner July 2023
Carla · on June 11, 2023 at 2:17 AM
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It never occurred to me that maybe seeing him reignited some previous romantic feelings but if she was feeling that way, I think she could have at least communicated that to me way beforehand and not right before the wedding. She had many opportunities to talk to me about this and I would have understood.
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Beginner July 2023
Carla · on June 11, 2023 at 2:28 AM
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This thread is really helpful, I’m starting to think about things that never occurred to me while I was more emotional. Like some of the details that never crossed my mind. I really appreciate everyone for talking about this with me because it’s helping me so much. I apologize for not including some important details in my original post, there was so much to type and honestly I was really emotional and stressed out. You’ve all been so kind and helpful.
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Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on June 11, 2023 at 4:00 PM
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I always take the approach that I don't know what's it's like to be in someone else's shoes. I would avoid judging the validity of her feelings and just be a friend as she works through them. She doesn't have an obligation to tell you all of her feelings around this, she doesn't owe you that.
It's really really too bad that it worked out this way for your wedding. It must be hurting her too.
If you want to keep the friendship, I'd give up on the money being reimbursed. You'll know now in future not to help her financially.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding!
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Super September 2023
Kimberly · on June 12, 2023 at 10:03 AM
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I agree with the suggestions on how to recoup at least some of the money. Even with the dress already being purchased, you can sell it on a secondhand site and sell it for pretty close to the original price since it’s never been worn.

Both of your feelings are valid here. You have every right to feel hurt and upset that your friend can’t get it together for one night. As others have said, though, she might have just realized that this is pushing herself too far. We like to think that two years is enough time to get over someone, but if they haven’t been around each other until your wedding, she might not have known about any unresolved feelings or hurt. Maybe he was her “one who got away” and there will always be lingering feelings there. Who knows? I do think it’s extra frustrating that she’s not even trying to pay you back. I wouldn’t end the friendship over this, but I would probably lack trust in her for a while going forward. At the end of the day, she’s the one really letting herself down. She’s letting her past break-up dictate what life events she participates in. If this is how she reacted to seeing his new girlfriend on social media, imagine the fomo she’s going to feel when your wedding pics start popping up!
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Beginner July 2023
Carla · on June 12, 2023 at 2:19 PM
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Hi Kimberly,

I appreciate your response. I agree with most of the things you have said. I’m sure I can be refunded for some of my money but definitely less than half after speaking to the vendors. I will still be a little over $700 short. Although, yes, friendship and loyalty are more important to me than money, I think it’s hugely unacceptable in any long term or short term relationship for people to rip off their loved ones, especially during a major life event. It’s really just the principle at this point and not weather I agree with her or not or not attending. I sympathize with her for feeling heart broken but over the weekend she told me she doesn’t believe he should have a new significant other if she doesn’t have one before him, which isn’t fair in my opinion nor do I think it gives her any reasonable excuse to take advantage of me. Those are just my personal feelings, however. Everyone is free to navigate their relationships as they wish, but I personally can’t continue to be friends with someone who broke my trust the way that she did. Functional friendships should have trust, especially with something this important and paramount. At this point, I’m just grateful for the rest of my family and friends who have been gracious, trustworthy, supportive, and there for me. Now I can’t wait to reciprocate the same love to them in the future. Again, I really appreciate your response! I’m determined to put all of the drama aside and look forward to a special day of marrying sweetheart of 10 years. On a lady note, I think weddings bring out the best and worst in people whether it’s the bride, groom, wedding party, family, or friends and I just experienced that firsthand. If anyone wants to find out who’s truly there for them either move states, have a baby, or plan a wedding and the answer will reveal itself.
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