Body Shamed by Mom & Close Friend…need advice

Call them out.

And stop going shopping with them. (This will reinforce the call out.)

Thanks! I’m pretty much past the point of having chosen the dress. This is what I’ve endured in the process and am still dealing with. I’m just done with dress shopping at this point, and just want to address this as it’s really just feeling like the elephant in the room.

I wouldn't bring anyone else along when dress shopping moving forward.

I know you want support, but the thing is, they aren't offering it. So why bring them?

Is this typical of your mom? When you tried on clothes when you were younger, was she this blunt? She may be trying to be helpful (telling you she doesn't think a dress is flattering) and just expressing it very poorly - at which point I would simply tell her, "mom, I value your opinion, but you're hurting my feelings with how you're expressing it."

If she's never been like this before, however, then I would say something else is at play, and you simply should not bring her anymore.

You don't need the "friend" there, either. Again, they're there for support, and they aren't being supportive, so their presence is useless. Go shopping on your own - you don't have to make a stink and tell them you're not inviting them anymore. Just don't. If, when you find a dress, they question why you were shopping without them, then again: "you were being hurtful and it wasn't conducive to my search."

Thing is, there is no "skillful" way to tell someone they're hurting your feelings. They will almost certainly get defensive or blow it out of proportion, even though you are right. You will have to stand your ground on it, and that may piss them off. You either have to accept that you will make them mad by addressing their behavior, or just let them do it to avoid the confrontation.

Some people think honesty is the best way to go when it comes to bridal and they honestly think they're helping you by pointing things out like a dress that accentuates your tummy and hips in a possibly unflattering way. Maybe this is the case with them, and if it is, you need to tell them that those kinds of comments make you feel really bad and they aren't helpful to you. Maybe (hopefully) once they realize that their comments are doing nothing but causing hurt, they will stop.

As far as the people pleaser comment...I understand that you want everyone to think you look beautiful in your gown, and there's nothing wrong with that! While it is YOUR dress and your day, we all know that other's people's opinions can make a difference. So I think this needs to be included in the conversation as well.

Yes, this is how my mom is. Before when I lost weight years ago, she constantly commented on how I was too thin and needed to eat more. I’ve had weight fluctuation due to medication changes unfortunately, but I feel fine at my current weight and figure. I don’t feel the need to lose weight or look like a “twig.” These are their insecurities. This is the first time I’m seeing this side of my friend however, and it’s really disappointing. I don’t think I can go on in silence though. I want to express and state how I feel in a skillful way, but you are right, I will need to stand my ground when doing so.

Here’s what I have so far in a message for my friend:

“Dear so-and-so,

I need to have a heart-to-heart about what you said the other day as it’s been really weighing on me about self image in respect to looking like a twig. I really value our friendship and need to be honest here. The remark about the dress looking less flattering on my hips and belly really bothered me.

I realize I’ve gained and lost some weight caused by a medication change last year and have had weight fluctuation over the years due to this. It’s been a real struggle to manage.

I’m also feeling hurt by some comments my mom made on top of this. In one instance she said that I looked fat in a dress or that my butt looked big in another, and went on to remind me that I’ve gained weight.

At the end of the day I would like the people who are most important to me to like what I’m wearing as much as I do. But I also would like their love and support. These critical comments have just snowballed now, and I think this is what’s driven my uncertainty.

I realize you may be trying to be helpful, but at the end of the day I want to feel beautiful and confident and it’s really hard feeling that way when it seems like I am being judged and led by insecurities raised by the people who are most important to me. I feel fine otherwise about the skin I’m in. I would appreciate much love and support moving forward.”

Thank you! You are so spot on! See the above comment with my response

HUGE advocate of dress shopping alone. I don't know why more people don't' do this. Go and find a few dresses that you really really like and then bring people if you want opinions on them. But tell them ahead of time that one of them will be your dress for sure. Or just pick one out alone! That's not a bad or sad or whatever thing to do

I think your message is perfect. I might also add why she means so much to you, so she understands why you trust her so much with choosing your dress and how you thought it was going to be so much fun to get her opinion because you admire her style. Might just soften it so she doesn't get defensive.

I hope it works out!

I actually really loved shopping alone. My mom and sister have very different styles and opinions (not at all mean, just like different things!) and i am pretty in the middle. I went and picked out 5-6 that I loved, then had the bridal shop pull those ones only a week later and invited them to come and look at only the ones I already knew I liked. It was so much more enjoyable for me that way and I thought allowed a great compromise between what I really liked and hearing their opinions.

This is EXACTLY what I did too. I went to one salon alone and narrowed down what I liked, although the dress was out of budget it gave me a sense of what to look for. I went to 2 salons with my mom and another close friend who has been absolutely 100% supportive. Then I went to the last salon myself and FaceTimed with my mom to show her the ones I had narrowed it down to. I then showed my other friend that didn’t come to the appointments (she had good reason, a bad accident that week so the timing just didn’t work) via text, etc. and that’s where things got messy...both good and bad. She honestly made some good comments on how I shouldn’t try to please everyone and find what makes me the most happy, etc. but that was after everything else that was said. I’m done dress shopping, it’s just these lingering feelings from the process that I bottled up and am now dealing with emotionally.

Thank you! That’s good advice! I will definitely put more thought into that as well.

Yes indeed, I’ve done this lol

Thank you Grace! Trying to It’s been a challenging year and it’s amazing how much emotion can pile up! Hoping to let this all go before the big day.

Pick the dress you love. Set boundaries with them and let them know you are hurt by their behavior. If they continue, you can cut off the toxicity by going no contact if they can’t be respectful.

I’m so sorry about your mom passing. That must have been tough. I went alone initially too, but the consultants were like “come back and bring your mom, etc. so you can have a Say Yes to the Dress experience.” I’m not all hyped up like it’s gotta be like it is on TV, but I at least wanted their support when it was all said and done, and they’re trying to be in some regard with some of their other comments, but it’s just these that hurt the worst.