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Botched Bachelorette

Ann, on May 23, 2021 at 9:42 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 31
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I'm the maid of honor for my best friends wedding. There's only two other bridesmaids, one who's a sister of the groom and one who's another friend of the bride (neither of which I know super well). I planned a bridal shower for the bride and it went great. Next, obviously, is the bachelorette. (Also just to note I fully paid for the bridal shower by myself)



I got ideas on what to do from the bride for her bachelorette party and essentially it is a weekend getaway that involves an airbnb. There are about 6 people coming total who have known about the plans months in advance.
Last night I sent out a message to all the guests that it would really help for everyone to contribute to the cost of the house rental, food, activities and drinks. I'm shouldering the majority of the costs but I asked if the other girls could contribute 100 to 125 dollars and mentioned that I would be super flexible. Yet again this is an entire weekend with food, drinks, planned activities and rides. I thought I was being pretty reasonable, but the bride called me and was upset because her friend called her and told her now she was considering not going.
The friend said that I was being completely unreasonable and it was outrageously expressive. I don't know what she expected, honestly. The friend also mentioned that she had assumed that the whole event would be fully paid for and she was overwhelmed because she didn't expect to have to spend anything.
Am I being unreasonable? Is it normal for the guests to contribute to the bachelorette?

31 Comments

Latest activity by Melissa, on May 31, 2021 at 8:00 PM
  • C
    Devoted September 2022
    Carissa ·
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    You're not being unreasonable, but you don't know this girl's financial situation. She could have literally not a single dollar to spare. Could you and the bride split the cost of this one girl, or could you absorb that cost? I know its not ideal, but you and the bride have to be understanding that not everyone has money to burn. I hosted my sisters Bachelorette. I requested everyone chip in for the limo service I arranged (and I was still absorbing most of the cost after accounting for all the contributions), but some girls never paid. I didn't turn them away or kick them off, I just took it on the chin and paid up more myself.
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  • A
    Ann ·
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    As far as the bride and I know she is in good financial standing and should be able to pay for it, she's just saying she feels that I'm asking for too much because she doesn't want to pay for anything.


    It will be extremely hard for me to pay for everyone, especially because I've absorbed most of the cost anyway. I also feel like it would be unfair to the other guests if she gets to come for free. I just feel a little hurt that instead of reaching out to me she immediately called the bride to complain.
    I don't know, I feel like this will also make things awkward at the party... but I guess it's always possible that I don't know the full story.
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  • Jen
    Dedicated June 2022
    Jen ·
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    In my own experience, I do not believe you are being unreasonable at all. $100 is not a big ask for a weekend trip from each guest. It seems really strange that the guest would call the bride upset and honestly even stranger that the bride would assume you would cover the cost for everyone. It seems as if there are many unreasonable expectations from everyone else. Perhaps you could have a wedding party meeting with the bride and other bridesmaids to discuss the bachelorette more openly. If others aren’t willing to help, it’s not reasonable for you to have to host a weekend trip entirely on your own.
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    You aren't unreasonable for expecting them to pay for their own share. However, that conversation should have occurred at the beginning of the planning stages, discussing budget privately with each person. If it's been months and you never mentioned per person cost, I can see why people would assume it may be fully hosted.
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  • A
    Ann ·
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    Yeah I guess I didn't expect that they would assume I was covering the cost of a weekend getaway for eight people (six guests plus me and the bride). None of the other guests seemed surprised, just the one bridesmaid.
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  • A
    Ann ·
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    Okay that's what I thought! I'm not exactly swimming in money myself and I've only met this girl once so I was pretty shocked that she expected that I would pay for the weekend for her.
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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    Can you get a refund for the airbnb and start from scratch? Then come to a consensus on how much everyone is willing to pay?
    I don’t know if you’ll be able to do better than $150 for a weekend accommodation, food, drinks, entertainment, so it may have to just be a local night out,
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Wow! You are being generous to a fault. The other bridesmaid is the one being unreasonable. Have you talked to the bride to let her know your side? Either way, it sounds like scrapping plans and going with something local that is not an overnight is best and don’t make plans without them pitching in.

    This is another example of why weekend bachelorette parties backfire badly and why so many people don’t want anything to do with them despite being so popular.

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  • A
    Ann ·
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    I know it sounds terrible, but I was honestly considering just going forward with it because the five other guests can come, and just leave it up to the one bridesmaid to make up her mind if she's going or not. I even offered to cut the price in half for her and she didn't respond to my message.
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  • A
    Ann ·
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    I think the bride is more upset with the complaining bridesmaid, but I feel bad that this has caused a bunch of drama. I honestly am considering just going forward with it and if she chooses not to come that's fine.
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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    True, if everyone else is fine with it, changing it all up for one person would be a bummer, especially since it will change from a weekend away to likely one night event.
    Maybe she doesn’t understand a bachelorette party isn’t the typical being invited to someone’s party? Maybe she sees it as the same thing as the wedding and reception, she being invited and hosted?
    It seems like a reasonable price, $150 for everything included, but as others have pointed out, it may be out of her budget. I’ve been there - but I for sure would have just not gone, and certainly not call the bride to complain.
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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    So this friend was just... expecting everything to be paid for? Who did she think was footing the bill?? She probably didn't even care. I can't believe the bride complained to you as well. You didn't demand money, you asked people to pitch in.


    I'd be pissed enough to scrap the entire party. Doing nothing is also free.
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  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
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    That doesn’t sound terrible and is precisely what I would do at this point. Canceling would be punishing the bride. Just move forward without the bridesmaid. She’s been offered solutions that are more than fair. If she chooses not to come that is on her.
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  • A
    Ann ·
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    Yeah, I feel like it would be a huge bummer for everyone if I canceled because one guest is annoyed about the price. I don't know why she didn't just say she wasn't able to make it.
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  • Catherine
    Expert March 2023
    Catherine ·
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    You’re not being unreasonable but a weekend trip isn’t like a night out, and 100-125 could be very expensive for someone. You mentioned not knowing them very well so they probably didn’t feel comfortable expressing to you their financial situation. I would work it out with them and the bride so they could go and everyone can be together. For example, I want my bachelorette party next summer at the beach and I’m going to pay for the majority of it so that my girls don’t have to worry about a large financial cost since it’ll be multiple days. A night out would be one thing.
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  • devotedlydavis
    Expert March 2022
    devotedlydavis ·
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    I’m flabbergasted that she expected the bachelorette party to be 100% paid for. I understand that expectation if you’re the bride, but In Texas it’s understood that all going pay for themselves plus chip in to cover the bride’s cost. I think that is asking too much of you to personally cover the costs for the whole thing, especially when you’ve done the shower, have to buy a dress, etc.
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  • Janet
    Expert October 2018
    Janet ·
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    Her assuming that everything would be paid for it quite shocking. I don't know of a single person who thinks bachelorettes are paid for by one person.

    Her saying she cant afford it is another issue. You didn't mention that you asked for their budgets for the trip. If this is that case, then her saying she can't afford it is reasonable. It doesn't matter if the bride thinks she can pay for it. If she says she can't, she can't. $100 can be a lot for someone, and if all she can afford is the airbnb, how is she supposed to afford anything else on the trip.

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  • A
    Ann ·
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    The 100 dollars was all inclusive as I am covering all the extra costs. It's not required for her to go. It just rubbed me the wrong way that she was completely in agreement with the plans until she was told that she would have to contribute monetarily. I just can't believe she expected that I would pay for her.
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  • A
    Ann ·
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    That's what I had assumed I'm shocked that she felt surprised that she would have to pay a small amount for herself, especially when the majority of the cost is covered.
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  • A
    Ann ·
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    Yeah. I mean of course I assumed she would go, but for her to call up the bride and give her an earful about it seemed out of line to me. She always could have said she just couldn't make it that weekend.
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