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Dedicated April 2021

Boundaries or impoliteness?

Simone, on December 9, 2019 at 10:01 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 26

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Idk about you all, but I honestly cannot stand being fake towards people. I am, completely fine with being cordial. My FH’s brother had hurt me several times over the past four years by gossiping about me and spreading false rumors. An example is how I received daily phone calls from my sister who would complain to me about being a single parent. I finally told my sister to please stop calling me if she had nothing positive to say and that she made a poor decision to have relations with an unemployed man who made it clear that he didn’t want kids nor a committed relationship with her. I encouraged her to seek counseling and use that weekly session for much of her complaining. My FBIL heard me say this to my FH.
To my ignorance, he thinks of himself as a single parent even though his parents raised his child and he never lived with his child 😯. He then proceeded to tell several people that I made rude comments about single parents 😯😯 which is very false. I was speaking on my frustration with my sister.

My FH has talked with him several times, but it still continues, just less often. I finally put my foot down and I refuse to hug him when he tries to embrace me. I politely step back and reach out my hand for a handshake. Apparently he’s very offended by this. Now I’m being told by my FMIL that I’m being rude. Do you all agree or disagree with this?

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26 Comments

Latest activity by Katie, on December 16, 2019 at 1:46 PM

Devoted October 2020
Crystal · on December 9, 2019 at 10:14 AM
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You don’t have to hug anyone. Period.

Fbil sounds insecure and took it personally. Fmil sounds like she might always bail him out.
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VIP October 2019
Ivy ORP · on December 9, 2019 at 10:22 AM
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I don't believe anyone should be forced into any type of physical contact, but I also think what he overheard was quite nasty. It seems you are a very opinionated person and I might guess that it was not the first time you shared your strong opinions to people that may have felt hurt, bothered, or offended. It does seem he may want to let the past be the past, but I do believe in body autonomy so maybe just pull him aside and let him know you mean no offense but you don't feel comfortable embracing.
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Expert February 2015
John Smith · on December 9, 2019 at 10:33 AM
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Your relationship with your sister is your relationship with your sister, not your relationship with him. I have definitely said things to my sister that I would never say to anyone else (either because only she would understand the context or because I was just being mean). You definitely don't have to hug anyone that you don't have to, but this is a person who will potentially be in your life for the rest of your life, so it's best to resolve conflict when it first appears and before it has time to fester. Have you and your fiance talked to him together to explain the situation? Or talked to your FMIL to explain the situation?
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Dedicated April 2021
Simone · on December 9, 2019 at 10:34 AM
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I sincerely don’t understand how anything I said about my sister was nasty. I believe in people, especially myself, taking accountability for actions. If I jump into a pool, how can I be mad that I got soaked? I encouraged my sister to seek counseling because I can only take so much negativity every single day.
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Dedicated April 2021
Simone · on December 9, 2019 at 10:42 AM
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I also want to add that I’ve bought countless pieces of clothing for his child who has never lived with him. My FH and I have taken her out of town on adventures several times and she is always on our zoo, conservatory/botanical garden, museum memberships. His brother had not thanked us ONE time.
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Dedicated April 2021
Simone · on December 9, 2019 at 10:45 AM
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Yes we have. The purpose of this post was just to receive opinions that I’m not being illogical by not wanting to hug someone who is disrespectful towards me. Thank you for your input.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on December 9, 2019 at 10:49 AM
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I get what you are saying that people should be accountable for their actions but not everyone thinks as you. It sounds to me that the only reason you will not hug him is because you two are not on good speaking terms. If you were talking bad about interracial relationships around me even if it was not directed at me I would take offense. I know you were venting about your sister but it could have been taken as you being disrespectful about single parents, regardless of how they became a single parent. You have the right to express how you feel but of course he should be mature as well and not spread rumors about someone who is about to be his future sister in law. I will agree he is wrong for that. I agree with other PP's in that you two should sit down and hash it out to at least be at the point where you can be cordial with one another to avoid future drama. If you are fine not having a relationship with him then let it go in my opinion Hopefully you two can be on good terms.
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Expert February 2015
John Smith · on December 9, 2019 at 10:52 AM
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Definitely not being illogical. People are just sensitive and it sucks
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Dedicated April 2021
Simone · on December 9, 2019 at 10:56 AM
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Okay thank you for your input. I only spoke on how my sister became a single parent because she was COMPLAINING to me every single day. If my sister did not do this, I would have never pointed out her poor decision to have unsafe relations with her child’s father. I just want to make it clear that I don’t go around looking at others’ flaws, but when someone keeps complaining about something that is partially their fault, out of love, I point it out.
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VIP October 2019
Ivy ORP · on December 9, 2019 at 10:59 AM
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You are entitled to your opinions as well as your choice of physical contact. Someone else is also entitled to feel hurt or offended by comments like those you have shared here. You can only control yourself, not the lives of others. I still suggest you have a calm discussion with someone who will likely be in your life for some time about what you are and are not comfortable with.
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Expert October 2021
Vannesa · on December 9, 2019 at 11:21 AM
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You shouldn't be forced to hug anyone you don't want to. Sounds like he just wants attention himself and isn't getting it from everyone i.e. you so he is trying to make you feel bad.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on December 9, 2019 at 11:26 AM
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Oh no I get it.You were venting. That is what women do best lol. It is ok and I agree he should not go around spreading rumors and he for real needs to apologize for that. If he is willing to make peace then great but if not bye Felicia lol.
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Super March 2020
Jennifer · on December 9, 2019 at 11:36 AM
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Um no. People love someone who doesn't speak their mind. I love that you aren't fake. He did you dirty and your response to your sister isn't rude. We get exhausted by toxic behavior and healthy people choose to remove it from their life. If we didn't, we'd all be miserable.

My grandpa cheated on my grandma, gave her syphilis and always talked down to her. That isn't even half of the story. When she passed unexpectedly from pancreatic cancer, he had a new gf within a month. 53 years of marriage, 5 children and a sudden death...I'd say he moved on suspiciously fast. I was told to get over it and let it go. Um nope! Dirty and immoral people have no place in my life and the heck with being nice. It sickened me to see my grandpa act all Godly and respectful to this new woman when he constantly walked all over my grandmother who was left at home, stranded with children while he went out and did his thing multiple times.
Some may call it holding a grudge, I call it not allowing toxic behavior to enter my life. Take care of yourself! Don't allow his behavior to take your happiness.
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VIP November 2019
Catherine · on December 9, 2019 at 1:18 PM
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I agree with you. this is absolutely ridiculous. i would sit with him and your FH and discuss it. and as crystal said you don't ever have to hug or touch someone you don't want to.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on December 9, 2019 at 3:03 PM
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You are totally right to not embrace him if you don't want to! Also, it sounds like FMIL will always bail FBIL out of his problems and coddle him (she raised his kid, and apparently didn't mind when he didn't step up as a father). I would privately let her know you're not comfortable embracing him and leave it at that. She will think what she wants. You know you're in the right though!
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Dedicated April 2021
Simone · on December 11, 2019 at 10:55 PM
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Thanks for your input. I look back on my life and I am ever so grateful that my parents, mentors, friends and even strangers said things to me that were what you call “nasty.” Those who genuinely care and have the best interest for someone will tell them the truth, even when it’s not what the other person wants to hear. Again, I’m forever grateful for those who told me honest things about what I needed to take accountability for even though it was tough hearing it. Made me such a better person and more responsible.
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Super November 2021
Alejandra · on December 12, 2019 at 8:22 AM
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I’m torn. On the one hand, absolutely do not hug someone you don’t want to. That goes for strangers, extended family, or family. Do not hug your FBIL if you don’t want to. Your FMIL may think it’s rude, but you can calmly explain that you don’t enjoy hugging him. If she understands or not, that’s her problem.
On the other hand, I think a lot of times people mistake being rude for being “real.” Especially (at least in my experience) the people who say “I’m not fake.” While everyone is entitled to their opinions and ideas, and obviously you understand your relationship with your sister, there are KIND ways to tell someone the truth. It sounds from what you said here that you tend to have your ideas and opinions and express them in the interest of not being fake, but actually come off rude. If I were a single parent and overheard that, I would also be offended, even if it wasn’t directed at me.
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Dedicated April 2021
Simone · on December 12, 2019 at 8:59 AM
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That’s the thing. 1. He’s not a single parent. How can one be a single parent when the child lived with someone else 7 days a week all throughout the year? And 2. I said that to my sister bc she was COMPLAINING to me every single day. I don’t think other single parents complain to their loved ones every single day about how much they hate being a single parent. I can only take so much negativity.
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Dedicated April 2021
Simone · on December 12, 2019 at 9:02 AM
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What upsets me the most about this situation is how this gentleman is in his 40s and behaves this way. When someone says something not directed at you and it offends, in my opinion you should talk to the person to seek clarification! You do not go and spread rumors about the person to several other people. That is not okay, but maybe you think this behavior is acceptable...
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Super November 2021
Alejandra · on December 12, 2019 at 9:03 AM
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I definitely understand the negativity aspect. I don’t blame you for it. I’m just saying that you probably did come off very mean, and if I considered myself a single parent (which he obviously does, even if he’s wrong) I would probably also take offense to what you said.
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