Skip to main content
ARE YOU A VENDOR?

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Berta
Just Said Yes October 2021

Boyfriend didn’t propose and I’m disappointed

Berta, on December 26, 2019 at 6:53 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 49
Saved
Reply

Sorry if I posted this on the wrong thread, but it’s the only place I can find posts similar to my situation.


My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years we are 25. I have expressed to him that I would love to have kids before I’m 28-29. But that I would also like to be married before I have children. He has said we’re on the same page, but he also says that he would rather have kids when we’re 29-30. None the less the last time we talked I expressed that I just wasn’t sure if we wanted the same things out of life, or rather we both want marriage and children just not at the same times. He asked me to rest assured that those things will happen for us and soon because he has a “plan” for his proposal. He’s been asking me about rings and our future an awful lot so I was expecting it to happen soon—like he said.

After that talk I expected maybe he was proposing on Christmas—well turns out that he didn’t—and I’ve been really sad. I’m worried that I’m going to stay in this relationship hoping that one day he will do the things he’s said—but what if he never does? At what point do I say that I’m being lead on?

For christmas the only gift he got my was a trip trip to my favorite place—Oregon! He said he knew it’s my favorite city and got flight insurance to cancel so we can decide when we’re going! He’s thinking February or March. I got a slight glimmer of hope that MAYBE he will propose on the trip? But again what if he doesn’t?

My question is—should I hold out for the trip or should I just realize this relationship might not ever go the way I want? I love him with everything I have but if three years isn’t long enough for you to decide what you want I don’t want to keep wasting my time with someone who doesn’t know what they want when I could find someone whose future plans look more like my own. I feel like I’m a relationship it should be both of us making compromises but it feels like on this one I just have to sit back and he gets to plan our future—all of the things I’ve expressed don’t matter because to him—he wants to have kids later in life and he wants to be married later so that’s what we have to do. I don’t think it should be that way.

I’m not trying to rush things, but I feel like my future is in his hands and I don’t think he realizes the amount of time it take to plan a wedding/book a venue. I’m not sure how to feel. I feel somewhat impatient. Do I have a conversation and express how I feel? But then I feel like if he is proposing on our trip I will feel like a brat from being upset that it didn’t happen on Christmas. Please help I have so many feelings and I’m not sure what to do lol

Any advice welcome!


49 Comments

Latest activity by Joan, on April 17, 2023 at 1:40 AM
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Some men are not as ready as we are. My fh and I were together 6 years and honestly I am sure he would be fine just loving together as partners but i wanted more and I had that conversation with him. In that conversion I did state I want before I am 40. I know you're upset but he never said he was going to propose on Christmas. That was your hope and I am sure that's hard because everyone else is getting engaged that day. Maybe he had his own plans. Could be a month or a year from now. I would say if you love him, give him time but don't hope that he's going to ask but a certain day. He says he agrees with you and wants the same. If he didn't then there would be the problem but he's not going to work in your time frame. I would say be a bit more patient.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    First let me say that it’s fine to be disappointed, but I wouldn’t put a whole lot of weight on the fact that he didn’t propose on Christmas. Plenty of people don’t want to propose on a holiday because they want the proposal to be a separate exciting thing. Second, your future doesn’t rest in his hands. You could propose to him instead of waiting or you could suggest counseling to make sure you’re both communicating your thoughts effectively.
    • Reply
  • Berta
    Just Said Yes October 2021
    Berta ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you! I’m trying to see that it’s not the end of the world. I’m really not concerned about the wedding aspect moreover I’m concerned with wanting to have kids before 30 and wanting to be married before that happens. I really appreciate your advice!
    • Reply
  • Berta
    Just Said Yes October 2021
    Berta ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I personally am in counseling, but he wouldn’t be willing to go. Maybe it’s something I should bring up with my therapist! Thank you! I appreciate it!
    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Your boyfriend obviously knows you want to get married. I would give him some more time. He could be planning to propose on this trip. I get being disappointed but I was very against getting engaged on a holiday because I feel that is so overdone. Maybe he feels the same way. You are still only 25 and still have plenty of time. My husband children the day we met, but I wasn't willing to have children until we were married. We got engaged after dating for 2.5 years and married at 3.5 years. It will happen when it's meant to be.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    I can say do not stick to a hard timeline. The kids will come when they come. Smiley smile Also enjoy time being a married couple. I would have loved my proposal to be a certain way but my FH did not like the idea of doing it around people so maybe like the pp said he did not want to do Christmas since others are doing it. I would suggest if in a long while nothing has happened maybe speak to him again (within another year or two) and ask where you both are at and see his response but it sounds like to me he wants to marry you and have kids but you logically cannot fully make him stick to a strict timeline as that can be off putting for him. I hope things go your way shortly but just have a little patience. Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I think you need to be more focused on being married to and having children with the right person instead of doing both of those things by a certain time. Is it worth giving up the person that you "love with all you have" because he isn't ready for what you want, when you want it? You're right that compromise is important in a relationship, but there are some things that you can't compromise on. You can't say, "okay, I want children at 28 and you want children at 30, so we'll meet in the middle at 29." You can't expect someone to make such a big commitent before they're ready to do it, and if you do pressure them into doing it, that's when things end in disaster. Is it worth it to you to to give up the person you love, find someone else, and hope that you find the same connection so that they can propose and you can get pregnant maybe before 28? That seems silly to me.

    • Reply
  • Kelsey
    Devoted October 2020
    Kelsey ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Okay....25 is still very young. I was dating “men” my age at 25 and they were never going to commit. I stayed single a good portion of my 20’s and it was probably the best decision I ever made. I didn’t meet my fiancé until I was 26 (and he was 30). He is the most committed, faithful, man I’ve ever met. Your man will get there, and I think he just wants to live life without kids for a while. He expresses he wants it, but I honestly don’t blame him for waiting. My fiancé will be 33 and I’ll be 29 when we get married and we will try for children right away after the wedding.


    For the proposal...I was there. We had a trip planned to LA and me and everyone else was convinced we were getting engaged (he had bought my ring about 7 months ago at that point, he’s bad a keeping things a secret)...well he didn’t propose and I was literally devastated. A month later he told me he had a trip planned for us...flights and all. It was a trip to Nashville and he did propose then. I’m not trying to get your hopes up but just coming from someone who’s *kinda* been in your shoes...if you know he loves you and he’s a man of his word...wait it out. Like I said, 25 is still young...I couldn’t imagine being married at that age.
    • Reply
  • Sherry
    Master September 2019
    Sherry ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    My now husband and I were married on our 8th anniversary. If he hasn't asked, he has his reasons why and why he isn't ready. Could be new years, could be valentines day or your birthday. Maybe he didn't feel that where ever you were at Christmas was special enough or wasn't his vision for what a memorable proposal for you looked like. It will come when you least expect it!

    • Reply
  • Amber
    Devoted January 2022
    Amber ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    My fiancé was planning his proposal for a year and a half. He asked me about ring sizes and styles January of 2018. He proposed July of 2019. Between then he constantly mentioned it sometimes it was “that finger needs a ring” and sometimes it was fake proposals. I got so annoyed so in October of 2018 he told me it would happen within the next year. I told him if it didn’t I would propose to him. I knew it would happen soon when I found a billing statement from Kay in the mailbox in June. Be patient it sounds like he is planning something special. A lot of people don’t want to propose on a major holiday. I would recommend having a conversation with him about when you would like to get married. Maybe ask him if the proposal he is planning is within the next year/6 months. You could also propose to him. My fiancé proposed first, but I wanted to do something special for him to so I made a custom comic book of us and the last page said she asked him will you marry me and I put an enso silicone ring in it.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. S
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I was in the same situation as you. I feel like this post is my diary. Except we also had a complicated history that made the not proposing even worse. I was 27 and he’d put me through enough, and I mentally decided he had til June or I was leaving. I know men need time but I also was not willing to give away the bulk of my 20s to someone who would throw me away. He wanted to propose in July after we moved across the country (he told me later) but I had to love myself better than that because he didn’t tell me July at that time, he told me someday. Between the moving across the country, leaving my family and friends, sacrificing my career, and our past history “someday” wasn’t enough. So after I made it clear I wasn’t going across the country without a ring, he was going to propose on a trip in March which I ended up not being able to go on, so he proposed in April. I didn’t know he was going to do it so it was a happy relief. I didn’t get a big romantic story but I needed to do what was right for myself. Some men will wait 10 years or never to propose and to me it’s absolutely not ok. So I would go on the trip and hopefully he’ll propose then. But if he doesn’t, on the advice of a therapist I listen to, I would say I love you and I’m willing to date you until x, and then I’m going to date other people bc I’m looking for someone who wants to marry me. It’s easy for people who are already engaged or married to say just wait indefinitely, but I disagree. I don’t think you should sacrifice your life just in case he proposes one day. As far as the kids go I’m 29 and we’re not planning to try any time soon bc of finances. But I’m not gonna wait forever on that either. As a woman you just can’t. Good luck, I feel your pain, I wish you all the best.
    • Reply
  • Maggie
    Super April 2020
    Maggie ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Honestly, timelines are the worst. I’m not saying you’re wrong by having one, I had one and my Fh had one and we stuck to them, but they make it all about that: the time, and not about the relationship or the goal you have. We wanted to be engaged by the end of 2019, he wanted a house before we get married, and I wanted to finish grad school before we got married. Did we do all of those things? Yes, BUT we bought a house while I was in the thick of my final semester of grad school AND planning the wedding. He didn’t know much about what was going on in terms of wedding planning because he was so focused on getting a house and I only got to see our house once before he bought it and I had no say on when we moved in. It was a disaster of stress and why? Because we felt we HAD to accomplish those things.


    Women have timelines for babies whereas men have timelines for proposals: most are due to finances and feeling that they can “provide for their women”. Trust me, my Fh is the softest feminine male you will meet, but he still NEEDED to feel like he can provide for us, it’s their nature. You said when you want children by but you also didn’t mention when you wanted to be married. If you both say 29 is an okay age, you don’t have to get engaged until 28 (technically) so to him he may be thinking he still has 2 years.
    • Reply
  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I understand that you're disappointed...and I feel for you..but I honestly think you're being ridiculous. I don't know anything about your relationship, obviously, but based on what you posted..if you're talking about getting married and he's agreeing with you and telling you he will propose soon..just let him do it when he plans to do it. Stop sulking because it didn't happen over the holiday.


    As for the children..how is wanting children around 28-29 that much different than 29-30? That small difference is enough for you to say you want different things out of life?
    He ONLY got you a trip to your favorite city for Christmas?? Seriously?

    If you do have a good relationship..you need to chill out before you ruin what you have.
    If you were my girlfriend and I read this post, I probably wouldn't propose. It sounds like you care more about needing to do specific things at a specific time than you do about the person you're with..and that's no good.
    • Reply
  • Robyn
    Savvy October 2021
    Robyn ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Ok. I have a friend who is an overthinker like this so I'm gonna tell you what I told her.


    I get it. It's been three years and you have this whole timeline you want to follow. But it will happen when the time is right. If he proposes soon you're going to feel so bad for even thinking the way you are now. Don't do that to yourself. Unless you forced him to say that he's planning a proposal the chances are VERY high that he actually is. Most men I know wouldn't say something like that unless they really mean it. So just relax and let it be a surprise. Whether it's a few months from now or a few years. Something as serious as marriage and kids is something you don't want to rush.
    • Reply
  • Erin
    Devoted September 2021
    Erin ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Be patient!! I’m 24 and my FH is 25. We have been together 6 and a half years. We’re both on the same page on when we want to be married and have kids. I started hoping at the end of last year he would propose and didnt happen until September of this year. He wanted to make sure it was a surprise and I’m sure your boyfriend is probably doing the same!
    • Reply
  • Danielle
    Devoted May 2021
    Danielle ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I definitely think he is proposing on the trip - that’s what it sounds like to me. I don’t think you’re a brat I would feel the same way! I think you should plan the trip and then if he doesn’t propose then have that talk with him. I was with someone for 6 years and we were engaged. I’m now engaged to the love of my life and wish I broke up with my ex sooner. Life is too short!
    • Reply
  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I would wait until after the trip. My guess would be he’s planning it then. If he doesn’t propose then, talk to him about it again.


    Also saying you want kids at 28-29 or 29-30 is really the same thing... I wouldn’t classify that as “wanting things at different times.” It’s only a year off, and it can take a year or more to conceive for many people anyway.
    • Reply
  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    This 100%.


    I was with my now husband for a little over 5 years when we got engaged, and we had moved in together after dating for a year. We were 23 when we got together. Our engagement was actually not some elaborate proposal. We had a conversation about our future and what we wanted, and we mutually decided it was the right time for us to get married.
    It sounds like your boyfriend and you are on the same page about all these big things. It also sounds like you are overthinking things. Maybe he'll propose in your favorite city? Maybe he'll propose when you're least expecting it? You can't have your cake and eat it to. If you want to have a surprise proposal, you have to sit back and wait. If you want to know when you're getting engaged, then you kind of forgo the elabirate proposal.
    Side note: a good friend's now husband proposed to her a week before they were going on a trip to Paris because he knew she was expecting it in Paris and he wanted to surprise her.
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Super March 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I can understand wondering where the proposal is but try to relax a little. Nobody should ever be rushed into marriage. Also, you have no idea the surprise that may be right around the corner.


    When I was in the Marine Corps I was 26 and all the 19 year olds were getting married and starting their families. I was so depressed because no man even acted remotely interested in me. I found myself trying to force things that should never be. Be patient and make sure you want this life with him and are not just afraid of being alone without children. I can't blame anyone for that fear but in my experience, waiting has brought me the best of life.
    My fiance officially proposed yesterday while my brother (in the Army) and my grandpa (lives out of state) were present. He wanted me to have a moment with my family that I generally don't get. Our family is rarely together due to deployments and/or traveling. So just hang on tight! Your day may be soon!
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Super March 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Yesss! Most men stop answering texts if they aren't thinking marriage and kids 😂
    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

5 Reasons You Need to Hire a Proposal Photographer
Marriage Proposals 5 Reasons You Need to Hire a Proposal Photographer There’s one detail that’s become a proposal essential—hiring a professional...
37 Unique "Will You Be My Bridesmaid?" Proposal Gift Ideas
Wedding Party 37 Unique "Will You Be My Bridesmaid?" Proposal Gift Ideas Bridesmaid proposal gifts are a fun way to recruit your crew, and we're sharing...
The 24 Best Groomsmen Proposal Gifts to Help You Ask Your Guys
Wedding Party The 24 Best Groomsmen Proposal Gifts to Help You Ask Your... From your old college roommate to your sports-obsessed best man, these awesome...
Read more articles
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

Show more

WeddingWire article topics