Breaking the Bank - of your guests

I am sorry but that is so rude! My BF got married in the DR last year and I would have shut up anyone who complained about the cost to her, if you don't want to go then don't, if you can't afford it then don't, no big deal, that's the chance you take when you do a DW. I am sorry you are dealing with anyone who would complain, it's not mandatory. No one should make you feel like that.

Sidenote: Key West is my all time favorite place ever! Have an awesome time!! Can't wait to see your BAM!

Well these statements are really inconsiderate and unfair to you, since like you realize you have no control over the decisions grown adults make.

My family told me "DW is like choosing where we vacation for us and then making us pay double" when I brought it up early on, so we opted not to. I'm sure my friends would have been nicer about it 😉 I love the idea of a DW, and you aren't making anyone go. If it were me, I'd probably apologize for snapping and NOT cancel any of my parties. Let your friends decide to what extent they want to be involved. Good luck and congratulations!

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Thank you Jennifer! I am so disappointed! These are people that we really carefully picked out to invite because we have a very strict budget. From the day we decided to do DW we made it super clear to everyone that it would absolutely not be a problem if they declined to go. We made sure the VIPs could come and booked knowing that most people would potentially decline, which is okay. Now, to text me saying you can't grab a bite for FH's birthday with us because you are not able to afford anything else since you're travelling for my wedding is super distasteful. To send me all the information of my own Bach (including a breakdown of numbers) knowing the host is trying to make me a surprise is very rude. I can't wait to leave it all behind me and head to KW - I think that's when I will finally be able to relax!

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Thanks Anna. Like I said before, our immediate family from the beginning were on board. Plus we would have eloped if no one decided that they wanted to travel there. KW has a special meaning in our relationship and since we started dating (almost 7 years ago) we always knew we'd get married there. On the second note, 70% of guests have already been to KY and with us! It is not an unknown place and undesirable place for them which made it easier for the majority. I will keep my word of cancelling Bach because that's when the texts about $$ and hints whenever I see people begun. I just don't want to have to deal with it anymore, I honestly don't need people telling me how broke they are - specially because I know what broke is, I am planning a wedding.

That is SO rude.

I don't know what they're trying to accomplish by telling you this? Just like you said- NO ONE is obligated to attend ANY of these things, so if they can't afford it, instead of making you feel guilty, they should just tell you "hey, I can't afford this right now, I'm sorry." And it sounds like you'd completely understand.

Sorry you have to deal with this! I'm sure despite everything your wedding day will be AMAZING and you won't even remember everyone complaining once you are in wedding bliss!!!

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I sooooo hope you're right thank you!

Screw that. I know to an extend how you feel; most of our family live in CA or NY and we live in DC and are getting married here so I've heard how much our wedding is costing them, to which I started replying that I don't need then to do me any favors by attending. Clearly we know the cost and try to be as cost efficient as possible since our bank accounts are empty planning the damn thing!

At this point it's very difficult to keep the stress at bay and that's very inconsiderate if them to act like that. Keep that beautiful bride head up high darling! We're almost to the finish line, it looks like we're wedding day twins!

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Yes and yes and yes! You seem to be on very same boat as me. we should share a new raft and hold hands. I am so exhausted my mind gets foggy sometimes!

View Quoted Comment At this point I'm ready to torch the boat 😂 between work stress and wedding planning there's not enough wine to pacify my soul.

Yikes! I haven’t heard anyone complain of cost yet, not even FILs who are paying for kind of a lot. My advice would be to politely respond with “I’m sorry you feel that way, we really want your presence on our big day! Don’t worry about anything else!” And if they complain again that just their presence is expensive follow up with “we know with a destination wedding, not everyone will be able to attend. We surely don’t want to put pressure on anyone and would understand if the costs prohibited you from attending.”

We are having a DW too. Mind you, no matter where we would have had It, it would be a DW for the majority of our guests because we are spread literally from Oregon to Florida and everywhere in between. They have had plenty of time to save up and budget this out. You seem really understanding of people not being able to attend things to which I say bravo! But I cannot get over someone breaking down their costs to you for your surprise bach!!! I'm furious for you!!! That is unacceptable

Everyone complains. No matter where it is, how many events, how much it costs. It's just what people do (unfortunately). You really shouldn't cancel your bach. I decided not to do a DW because of the guests costs and I regret it because even the mere $100 stay for our wedding now (2 hours away) seems to be too much for people. I decided against a destination bach only to turn around and have another friend have hers as a destination, while I was considerate of her costs for mine (which are waaaaaay less than what it is costing me to be in hers). People will complain, if not to your face, behind your back and all you can do is not let It get to you. Weddings bring out the best and the worst of people. Enjoy your engagement and if people complain to you just nicely say, it is ok if you can't attend. Everyone should have the wedding THEY can afford, not the wedding that their guests can afford. Sounds harsh, but it is your wedding. As long as you host them properly, you can't worry too much about their traveling and accommodation costs because it is totally up to them to go or not go.

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Yeah, I try to be this rational about things, and I try to get my point across the same manner, but people seem to insist with the comments as if I could/would change anything. For real... thanks!

Oh wow that is awful. I'm a financially savvy person and one of those people that hates knowing people are spending money on me, so I was already feeling bad about my amazing shower and bach that my girls and mom planned. I couldn't even imagine the nervous breakdown I'd have if people were specifically complaining to me about it being a burden and would have done exactly what you did - cancel it all.

Please don't put the blame on yourself. People are not obligated to attend your wedding and you certainly didn't ask for a shower/bach party. I hate when favors and things people do for you on their own free will come with strings attached, it's such a helpless feeling.

If they think it costs too much then they shouldn’t be going! It’s not your fault they committed to something they either can’t afford or just like to complain about.

I think the complaints are rude but honestly I can see their point. I'd feel bad about missing a friend or family member's wedding or shower or bachelorette, but I don't want to spend $$$$ to share those experiences.

Much as it's your day and you have to do what works for you and your fiance(e), guest comfort is also important and you have to realize that some people will be uncomfortable because it would be a financial stretch but they don't want to disappoint you or miss out. I agree that complaints aren't a good way to handle that situation but if you're hearing this repeatedly, there might be a reason.

I understand that you're not throwing your own shower and bach party but how much money do people have to spend to celebrate with you?

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I have a lot of things I don't want to do in life because they cost money. But I simply don't attend to them. Like I said before, they all know I am not expecting anyone to attend to anything, to host anything, or to even come to my wedding. The fact you RSVP yes to my wedding and then come to me weeks later to tell me you cannot afford to eat out because you did so is, in my opinion, completely unnecessary - this is someone I spend over $1700 for a shower (not adding any other cost from required makeup to shoes) a few months back.

I know receptions are for your guests and I did nothing but work to provide our guests with the best, top shelf open bar the night before and during entire reception, plenty of food throughout the two days, music was disaster because my DJ was banned from a lot of venues recently so I am here working my nerves off trying to find another one, but all in all I have live music as a back up - so my conscious is at peace. I am being a good host to those who decide to attend. If you can't its okay.

Now when you say " I agree that complaints aren't a good way to handle that situation but if you're hearing this repeatedly, there might be a reason" I can only tell you that the reason is that they cannot/don't want to afford whatever is asked for pre-wedding stuff - which again, I did not ask anyone to go to. And if it was the other way around I would NEVER go to the bride who the host is trying to SURPRISE and tell the whole plan for the weekend including the prices.

The whole day was costing them about $250 each - spa, dinner, club. As far as I know they were not required to attend to all three things, just let the host know if they will come and pay their share - sounds like a lovely idea, but is no more since I cancelled.

I mean they do kind of have a point, this is the reason we decided against a DW because essentially it puts a financial burden on your family. - FH's aunt has over and over thanked us for not having one because yes they don't "have" to come its unfair that they wont be able to see you get married.

View Quoted Comment I see your point and I don’t disagree but also don’t agree. I think it’s a point of view. For FH and I it has a meaning the please we’re getting married at and the decision has been made long before we even got engaged to have it there. So unless our parents could not make it we didn’t check with many other people before booking. It’s sad that some people won’t be there but there are so many others ways to show appreciation to people than making to their wedding or making your wedding at arms reach to others if you know what I mean. My point here is not that. We are lucky enough that our families are happy for us and happy that we make our choices (we’re both grown adults living on our own and paying our bills) / no one has given us a hard time about having a DW. The complainers are friends, who again, were told from the beginning they are not obligated to show up.
And still, call me crazy but I don’t think any of the above scenarios would make someone entitled to guilt a bride about the parties being thrown on her honor by others.

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I mean yes, that's absolutely ridiculous they are complaining about a party you did not even plan!! I just see the point about destination weddings, that's all. :-)