Bridal Party Hair

I think it’s ok to ask them to do so. I mean brides dictate so many other things attire wise

I definitely understand your need for symmetry. When I went to try on dresses, my requirements were: it needs to be whitish, I want to be able to use the bathroom by myself, and I will not try on anything asymmetrical. So I get it. I really think it's okay to tell your bridal party to all have updos, and while it would be nice to pay for their hair, you don't have to as long as you don't have too many restrictions. In the example someone gave earlier of the friend with a scar on her cheek, would you be okay with her having a few loose pieces down in the front so she could cover it a little bit and feel more comfortable? If someone has bangs, would you let them keep those down? If the answer to both of those questions is yes, I think you're fine to stick with your plan. Especially if you were in your difficult friend's wedding and did everything she asked for, it's completely reasonable to point that out to her and remind her that you're asking her for the same kind of thing. (It might not be great idea to do this, but I think you'd be right to.)

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Sounds like she's unfairly comparing your weddings. I would provide her with as little of information about your planning as possible that way she doesn't continue trying to control every little detail.

I feel like given the rigidity of your requests, you should pay for at least some of what you're asking of them.

$150 dress that they didn't get to choose style or color - okay, I can see that. That was how things were done for a long time. It's tradition, even if not ideal.

$150 hair and makeup - if you're requiring it, and requiring it a certain way, I think you should pay for it. You don't seem to have a lot of confidence in these girls if you think they'd do their makeup "like a clown". I can't imagine talking about my friends that way. Personally, I have at least a couple of BMs that an updo wouldn't work for.

"Any" shoes but they have to be nude - well, that's another potential cost. I personally do not have any nude shoes. So there is another $40 or so if they don't have what you're looking for.

So now they are at $340 paying for a style and color dress they didn't choose, getting their hair done in a style they may not like, wearing shoes they might not have picked...

Yes it's YOUR wedding and I guess you can require anything you want, but I would try to be at least somewhat flexible since you're asking people to shell out money for things they didn't choose. If you're not willing to be flexible I would pony up the cost or at least go half and half. I chose to be flexible since I wasn't willing to pay!

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I agree with all of this. I also find it very telling that you started out saying you don't think you're controlling and then in a later comment you say you have OCD and need symmetry, and you don't trust your loved ones not to dress for a hoedown or like clowns. All of this explains why you are getting resistance to your requirements.

I get migraines from wearing my hair up. If I were your bridesmaid, I would have to quit your party.

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You said all of that perfectly!

After reading these responses you really should pay for their hair and make-up if you are not going to be flexible. If you want the ability to "control" how they wear their hair paying the money will give you more of that. Different hair styles also won't effect the symmetry you keep talking about. I think you should be more flexible..it's just hair.

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I noted in a previous comment(s) they don't all have to be the same - they can choose the style of up or low up, etc. I'm flexible as long as it's not down. Idk I feel like that is okay, but I do see everyone's point (and I think it's valid) if someone wanted to control the entire look then yes, 100, pony up the cash!

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Respectfully, you don't know me You clearly didn't read through allllll of these comments where I have pointed out I have asked their opinions/permissions/etc on almost everything. My girls have had a TON of say in what was and is being planned. Again, I'm going to assume you didn't read because the resistance is literally only coming from 1 person to has made many attempts over the last 7 months to control how my wedding is being planned.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask all of your bridesmaids to wear their hair up, especially since you're having a formal wedding and this is the look/style you're going for. However, I do think it's unreasonable to require your BMs to wear an up-do without covering the cost. If they need to pay for their own hair, then I don't think you're justified in dictating the style (up vs. down). If it's really important to you that your girls all wear their hair up, then you can easily get around this by paying for their hair services.

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Oh okay..well could you maybe have a couple of the girls have it down? You could still have symmetry. One of my friends who had six bridesmaids had 3 wear it up and 3 wear it down and it looked wonderful. The hair styles complemented one another. Just an option! Exactly, if you want a say you should pay. It's hard to really say when we don't know the personalities of you or your bridal party and the reasons behind things. But I think if you want symmetry maybe think about doing some up and down? Just an idea! Regardless of that people are going to be focused on you..not your bridesmaids so it's just a small detail..don't stress over it.

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You are correct. I don't know you. I can only comment based on what you have shared here. And what you have shared sounds very controlling (that whole need for symmetry thing). It's your right to be controlling. It's your bridesmaids' right to not enjoy being controlled. The bottom line is this: is your "OCD" more important than your friendship? Only you can answer this.

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Thank you, Kenzie! I really appreciate this feedback!!
YESSS! It is soooo hard to tell especially over a forum and SO much get's lost in translation/text, but do appreciate the ideas and feedback!

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So correct me if I'm wrong, but the entire wedding is symmetrical .... would you change the theme or flow of you wedding because someone is basically telling you they aren't into it? Listen, I've done a lot of stupid stuff that has cost a lot of money for my friends/family weddings that I didn't like, but I did them as to not piss off the bride. Now, if you don't like something then, by all means, speak up - I'm down to listen. But my take away from all this is: Either put your money where your mouth is and pony up for the look you want or be flexible. That is really it.

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View Quoted Comment Of course! I’ve felt attacked on boards before for posting my opinion, so I get it! I truly hope it works out for you and at the end of the day your wedding is everything you envisioned.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh I can see both sides of this. I for sure think if you aren't paying for the hair and makeup for each girl, you shouldn't have any say in the style. But if you're paying for it, that's a different story. Like for me, I can't do hair at all myself so an "updo" for me would literally be a ponytail unless I wanted to pay to have it done. So basically if the bride dictated "it must be up", I'd expect her to pay for it and then I'd be totally fine with it. And if I paid for it, I would want it half up or half down, I hate having my hair up. I paid for every girl's hair and makeup (if they wanted it done professionally) and let them 100% choose how it was done. I wanted them to feel their most beautiful. I also gave them a wide selection of dresses (I picked a color, company, length & fabric and they had around 100 options) from $89-$169 (cheaper if they ordered within a sale).

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"Listen, I've done a lot of stupid stuff that has cost a lot of money for my friends/family weddings that I didn't like, but I did them as to not piss off the bride."

Maybe your other BMs feel this way? That they aren't actually on board but don't want to upset you?

"Now, if you don't like something then, by all means, speak up - I'm down to listen."

Respectfully...are you? Because the one girl did, and you're dragging her.

1) Can we not just casually throw around the term "OCD" to describe rigidity or a like of symmetry? This is an actual medical diagnosis that I for one have been living with for 27 years, and it makes everything 10x harder in day to day life. It's way more complicated and nuanced than media depicts. 2) If you want an updo, pay for it. I bought the dresses, hair/makeup, and let my bridesmaids wear their own shoes. Keep in mind that they also have to pay for alterations, travel expenses, etc as well. 3) I made sure that everyone felt beautiful and spoke to each friend individually and privately on multiple occasions. Please do that for your loved ones. 4) Just let your bridesmaid blabber and act like your in calculus class in high school OR tell her you appreciate her input, but you've made your decisions and don't appreciate negative commentary when you've already made up your mind.

Excuse me, but this is a public forum and being rude to other members a la "Don't you have something better to do" is against the community guidelines.

Her wanting to control your wedding, if that is what's happened, is a different issue than the one you posted. You asked about hair and makeup and whether you could require your BMs to have a certain style. You've gotten feedback on that. Based on how you've responded to us, I wouldn't be surprised if your girls didn't want to say anything to you.

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Wasn't going to say anything but you're 100% right on the OCD point. I hate when people do that.