Bridal Shower

View Quoted Comment She actually said “should I be able to plan out my own bridal party?” (Meaning shower)
She did not say she would be hosting/throwing it. There’s a difference between planning a party and throwing/hosting a party. I took it as just what did, planned it with the bridal party.

If you are talking a shower, where people bring gifts, it is rude to hold a party for yourself to get gifts. This is a party given in your honor by friends who volunteer to do it, plan and pay all expenses. You only have one if others want to plan and pay for it. And as everyone who attends a shower is buying you a second gift in addition to a wedding gift, it is only closest friends and family who attend, not all women at the wedding ( not parents' friends, or girlfriends or dates of guy griends unless they are also very close girlfriends of yours. ) Limiting it to your closest friends only, and only if invited to the wedding, keeps numbers low even when no covid. .........
For a bridal luncheon or tea ( a supper with apps, small sandwiches, and desserts, and NO gifts at all), you may be hostess, with your family if you like, and you pay for any venue, food and drink. This is just a short, usually 3 hour party to be sociable, and it is fine for a bride to host this. Anyone attending the wedding may be invited, though usually women only. ..... In almost any situation, bridal, baby party, graduation, you can only host a party if you are paying, not expecting others to pay anything, and having no gifts. That is gracious = good social manners = proper etiquette. And in all situations, expecting to plan with others paying, or to receive gifts for yourself, is seen as rude = poor social manners or selfish = poor etiquette.

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According to her comments, that's not what she wants. She's independent and wants to throw her own shower. But even if she did mean it in the way you interpreted, that's still extremely rude. "Sure, you can host (pay for) my shower, but I'll plan the whole thing!"

"First question is who or how do I limit the guest list for a bridal party and second question should I be able to plan out my own bridal party?"

1. In my experience bridal showers are usually very small guest lists because only those CLOSEST to the bride are invited. I am aware that some regions have customs to invite every woman also invited to the wedding, but there's no need at all to do that. Keep the guest list to your very nearest and dearest who are also local (people who would want to come to another event and give you another present), and you're good.

2. You can throw any parties for yourself that you like. Will some of your guests find it off-putting that you are hosting your own party where gifts are required? Yes, absolutely, even if they don't tell you this. You will have to decide if your need to control all aspects of the party is more important than your guests' feelings. Remember bridal showers are completely optional events so you could just skip it if it's too stressful/too expensive to plan.

View Quoted Comment I interpreted it as “I will help with the planning process” like me and my bridesmaid did since the others live out of state but still wanted to throw a shower. My girls decided it was easier to all put money towards it and then me and my in state bridesmaid planned it (without me knowing how much money was put aside)
Personally, I wouldn’t have been a part of planning mine if I had people in state that we’re wanting to throw one.

View Quoted Comment Ooooh yes I agree 100%. And that’s why I personally opted for no shower.

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I also agree with this.

For what it's worth, my family DID want to throw me a shower (particularly my mom, sister, aunt, and cousin). However, they're not in a financial position to do so.

I was willing to contribute financially, but I don't think they wanted to accept my money--especially since I am pretty much paying for the entire wedding and I know they would help if they could.

With the pandemic, they considered a backyard shower with only a few people, but ultimately scrapped it with everything going on. I love my family dearly and appreciate all of their help and support through this process, but I would not say planning/logistics like this is their strength, so I honestly wasn't expecting anything.

Ultimately we just didn't have a shower. It sucks, but there's not much we can do about it.

You could just call it an engagement party instead of a bridal shower. I helped my MOH plan my bridal shower and I’m not sure we ever established who was “hosting” it. Most people expect there will be a bridal shower if there is a wedding and may even ask about the registry beforehand. You may have to help them a little because Covid is making wedding planning a pain in the butt and its a lot for someone to take on especially if its not their wedding. Ive been making it a rule to stop taking wedding advice from anyone not planning a Covid wedding 😂

You don't host your own bridal shower. Your attendants or mothers/aunts/older female relatives do that for you. Mothers and older relatives have been around so they know how these things work. You provide a guest list of who you want in attendance from the wedding day guest list and a list of dates when you are available. That is the extent of your involvement per etiquette. Yes it is rude to host/plan (same thing in the social event world) your own party. People will never tell you are being rude because it is impolite to do so. But that doesn't give anyone free reign to offend others.


There were a couple brides in the last few weeks who hosted/planned their own showers and said no one showed up.

View Quoted Comment This is good advice. In my area/group, it seems like most local, female wedding guests are invited to the shower, but it does not need to be that way. I only added 5 of the 20 or so from our portion if the guest list to my shower list.
I totally agree that if you can't let go of the control, you shouldn't have a shower.
I very much wanted not to have a bridal shower, but people close to me really wanted to throw one and were in a position to do so. I gave basic parameters (no games) and consulted on covid issues, but otherwise I tried to stay out of it as much as possible. It was difficult. It seems like OP doesn't have people who are reasonably able to throw a shower without her, so she should skip it.

I can understand where you are coming from. I don’t like surprises ether and I like things done a certain way for my liking. I told my MOH that I wasn’t registering for anything and I really don’t care if I get gifts or not so we decided on a bridal luncheon and then an activity afterwards with people having the option of attending said activity.


So you could have a bridal luncheon and invite the closest people and be involved in the planning. If people choose to bring gifts they do.

It’s YOUR wedding - do what you want for the ENTIRE planning process - you’ll thank yourself later!

View Quoted Comment If that’s your attitude, why did you post? You asked a question and people are giving you their opinions. Just because you don’t like their answers, doesn’t make them rude or hostile. What is rude is throwing your own shower. You most certainly can have input but gift giving events are traditionally hosted by others - including birthday parties!

Are you referring to a bridal shower? And normally someone else is supposed to host it for you but honestly just because its tradition doesn't mean you have to follow it. Times have definitely changed so for all the people who say its poor etiquette or is rude, whatever. Its your wedding, you can plan the events the way you want to. You do not have to follow tradition AT ALL. If you want to plan your own bridal shower then do just that.

As far as attendance I would limit it to close family and friends if you have to stay under a certain number

Wow this thread has turned hostile.... As I was told in one of my own posts, traditions change. Sure, the MOH and bridal party plans and throws the bridal shower but who says that can't change? For those saying it's rude to host a party where the guests are supposed to shower you with gifts, maybe call the party something else or state "no gifts" and if you get some, then that's on whoever bought them since you went into it not asking for any. I'm not big on surprises either so my MOH planning my bridal party and bachelorette party is making me super anxious. As for the guest list, I would go with your closest friends and family. Sorry, I'm not much help on the guest list front. I feel like if you've discussed it with your bridal party and they're willing to step back and help out where needed, then you having a say in things is fine. We don't know you personally, but those who do should understand your position and not read into it. Plus, it's your wedding. Do what you want!

View Quoted Comment Yes tradition changes everyday. Etiquette does not. Examples of tradition: bride walked down the aisle by her father vs walking alone, cake vs dinner reception, 5 bridesmaids vs 1, a bouquet toss vs nothing, and the list goes on. Etiquette does not up and become obsolete out of the blue tomorrow because the majority thinks it's outdated or that a pandemic can cancel it (it can't and doesn't). Etiquette is preventing awkward and embarrassing social situations.

Showers have always and will always be gift giving events where the bride is not allowed to throw her own party beyond providing a guest list of those invited to the wedding and available dates.

You can't say "no gifts" when the event is specifically for gifts by definition.
A bridesmaid luncheon as was mentioned earlier is a thank you from the bride to the bridesmaids, not random guests, for the support they have provided. The bride can host that because she is not the recipient of the gifts in question.
A couple brides in the last few weeks mentioned they hosted their own showers because they wanted to, didn't trust others to plan the way they like, and no one attended. Afterwards they could not understand why, despite being told it was rude to do so.
Your guests and acquaintances will never tell you when an action is rude to mention it because it is impolite to point it out. The fact we are in a pandemic *does not* mean that etiquette is now null and void because some people don't like what it has to say. Tradition and etiquette are apples and oranges and can never be compared or interchangeable at the end of the day.
Skip the shower entirely if you aren't willing to allow someone else to host it without your input and control. It's never been a required event.

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I mentioned nothing about the pandemic. I agree that the pandemic does not just "cancel" things or makes them null and void. I wasn't trying to start anything. I was voicing my opinion on the matter. I was under the impression that etiquette is learned through traditions, which change. Thus, certain types of etiquette can change over time.
https://bestlifeonline.com/etiquette-rules-that-have-changed/

View Quoted Comment Many people do believe though that the pandemic has voided all etiquette. That was an addition to the conversation because it currently applies in general. The timeless etiquette experts: Miss Manners, Emily Post, etc have all said that preventing social situations from going bad and being rude to guests never changes. There is no situation where something will be rude one day and not the next. People use the terms 'etiquette' and 'tradition' interchangeably as though they are the same when they are not. Some of them genuinely don't know the proper workings and others don't care.
When in doubt, trust the experts (Miss Manners, Emily Post) who have been around forever and they too have said the same: etiquette does not change because someone doesn't like it or feel it's outdated.

You shouldn't be hosting your own bridal shower. There is no excuse for doing so, Caytlyn is 100% right. Letting people do things for you is a skill of emotional maturity that you should use this opportunity to cultivate. If you can't do that, I would recommend not having a shower. A shower isn't an essential event, so you could just skip it and have the bachelorette party (which, in my opinion, you can plan yourself).

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I want to print this out and put it on my wall. etiquette does not change because someone doesn't like it or feel it's outdated. Etiquette rules typically have reasoning behind them, and the reasoning is usually to be considerate of others and to be polite. Etiquette serves a super important role in every culture--it's how we relate to others in a positive way. Chewing with your mouth closed is an old etiquette rule, yet I think we all prefer when people do it and feel offended when people chew with their mouths wide open. When etiquette is getting in the way of something you want to do, try to think about why this rule might exist. More likely than not, you were being inconsiderate of others.