Bride has no say?

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Totally agree. Since it's a party in your honor, I imagine your host will keep that in mind while planning, but brides are often consulted about the date and potentially the guest list and not much else.

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That's how it was for my shower! My mom hosted so she asked for a few dates and a guest list. She asked me to help her order invites too (not super tech saavy) and fill out a guessing game before but that's pretty much it.

My mom is hosting mine and she's also declared I have no say, to which I had the same response as you (if I don't like it, what's the point?) But I think part of it is because we as brides are already worried about so much, that the bridal party host is supposed to make sure we have no planning responsibility with the shower, even if it's just us making small suggestions. I've given up trying to control it; the bridal shower is just a stepping stone to what I'm really looking forward to-- the wedding!!!

Actually, it is standard etiquette for any party that the host/ hostess pick the number of guests, type of party, and formality, and location, food and beverages and type of service.. ... And for any party in a person's honor, like a shower, the host chooses the number of guests, type of party, the formality, and li atiin, food and beverages and type of service, then offers it to the guest of honor, who may refuse the party, but is considered rude to try and make any changes that the hostess does not want. So in this case, yes, you are wrong. ... There are a lot of posters on WW who will tell you that any little wish the bride has, everyone involved should do. That has never been socially accepted etiquette, and still is not. You have an upcoming wedding. And a hostess has a lot of work to do, and a lot of costs, to throw a party in your honor. It is a gift from her to you. And like any gift, you should graciously accept it and say thank you, unless it is so against your wishes that you refuse the gift entirely. But should should not try to change the gift. The proper thing is to give her a list of people ( usually women) attending the wedding, marking those you are closest to . Not SO of groomsmen or guests' dates, or relatives of WP, unless they are already your best friends. Choose
people you would not only give a wedding gift to, but also an additional gift of $50-$100, since that is what a shower is for. Then let the hostess plan it, answering any questions she may have. That is considered good manners for an honoree. She seems to be clear on having something indoors, not as informal as a cookout, and not having your friends or family do pot luck. So fine. Let her plan it.

View Quoted Comment Thank you. The problem I have with that is that she’s leaving out my mom. If I let her plan it all, my mom can’t contribute. I don’t want to have a day that’s “about me” that makes my mom feel awful. I asked if we could do something more casual because my mom would be able to contribute. It’s not that I’m ungrateful, I’m trying to be inclusive. My family is poor. They can’t afford to go in on $1500 party at a Marriot :/

I'm going to add something to my earlier post. I may be misreading your original post, but my understanding is that you specifically TOLD this relative that no one was throwing a shower for you, and that's when she stepped up and offered. You may not have intended it that way, but she may feel like you basically asked her to host a shower for you. Especially if that's her perception, she may not take it well if she interprets your response as, "Well, you're not doing it the way I wanted, so skip it." You truly may not intend it that way, but from another's perspective declining the shower -- after sort of asking her to host it -- could easily be perceived as incredibly rude, like what she's doing isn't "good enough." (Even though it sounds like you feel like she's doing "too much.")

I don't know where you live, but with a wedding in August, I wouldn't want to plan/host an outdoor shower in the summer, and I wouldn't want to try and coordinate a cookout or potluck. Unless there are underlying issues you haven't included, I'd just graciously accept her generous offer of a shower, in whatever form she offers. Good luck to you!

View Quoted Comment Actually she asked us who was doing it, and we said we had no plans yet. When she first asked us to do it, we declined. But she kept insisting, and my FH said we should just let her do it.

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Okay, that background is helpful, but I'm not sure your mom needs to necessarily "feel awful." Is the aunt saying or doing things that are hurtful to your mom (besides hosting a party that your mom wouldn't be able to afford to host)? If that's the case, then yes, I think it makes sense to put a stop to that. Does she expect your mom to help pay for the shower? No one should be disrespectful to another because of their financial circumstances. But, if FH's aunt is perfectly happy to cover the cost of the event, are there smaller/inexpensive ways your mom could be involved/contribute? Could she perhaps make favors, or plan a game, or be responsible for the cake? Maybe she could put together a "how old was the bride" in these pictures display? None of those things are expensive, but she could still be involved.

If it's a respect issue, then it makes more sense that you decline the shower. If it's about helping manage different expectations, then I might try to see if you can help bridge the gap. If your two families have very different financial circumstances, your shower likely won't be the last time they need to figure out how to work together so you may as well help forge that trail now. Good luck!

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A shower is about you lol. I have to disagree about your mom not being able to contribute. I would also question anyone spending $1500 on a shower but that is none of anyone's business if that is what they want to spend their money on. As far as your mom goes, she can buy or make you a flower crown and Bride-To-Be sash. She can bring a dish, a game to play or decorations. I would however voice to your aunt that regardless of her plans, you had a different vision for what your shower would look like so that your mom will be providing things for you at the shower that have nothing to do with her plans as your mom wants to feel included but hasn't been.

Yeah, I couldn't tell you (beyond the basics) what is happening at mine. For a while, I had my sister (one of my MOH) telling me about who was RSVP-ing to the shower through a group text to my mom and I. Then suddenly that stopped. I actually had started to get anxious that no one was rsvp'ing or would come ....then I realized they stopped sharing with me.. . They did ask me about the theme to be sure I'd like it..but other than that....???????

View Quoted Comment The hostess, or small group of hostesses, pay the bill. Your mom is not part of giving the shower. She does not pay. You don't pay. Aunt of FI, does. And she may invite both families, and your friends. Or make it smaller inviting FI family, and friends who are your peers. And only you and your mom from your family. That is okay. Hosts choice. It some of your family or other groups of friends feel left out, they can have a second shower. People often end up with 2 small showers, sometimes 3. So no one has $2000-$3000 bill. Your mother, and you, would be invited to all, usually. That is one reason hosts have so much control. They pay the whole bill.

View Quoted Comment I don't think this is good advice. If you were having a simple dinner party for 30, maybe for a guest of honor who had completed a master's and was moving to a new job, and had all plans in the works, would you want to have 2 or 5 people or the guest of honor, announce that because they had thought of doing a party ( but didn't.), they were now bringing special dishes, setting up activities or games, or decorating your party? No. If your mom asks, does groom aunt want her to bring anything, and she says , please bring this, then fine. But for bride to tell her Mom or anyone else is bringing things, for any reason, is just exceptionally rude to the hostess. On any occasion. Standard etiquette. Unless specifically asked to do so by the hostess, never bring anything but a hostess gift to a party where you are guest.
Think of your wedding, If some of your groom's relatives or family friends showed up with 10-20 serving dishes of pot luck stuff. In addition to your carefully chosen menu. What they would have made if they had the party. Horrors. Bride's mom can call and ask if hostess wants anything. Otherwise, just a shower gift for her daughter, and maybe wine, candy, flowers, or other token hostess gift to recognize the work hostess did in providing a lovely party. Keep it clear. Bride's mother is a guest here. And should behave like a guest. Many hostesses would be terribly insulted if others brought things, implying they as hostesses did not do the right things. A big social no-no.

I see what others are saying, that the bride usually doesn’t have a say, but I think your situation is different. I think it was kinda rude for his aunt to make it clear that you will be having no say?

I agree with the others in that typically the host makes all of the decisions. The bride should be consulted on the date, because if she isn't able to attend what is the point of the shower. But other than that it is a party being held in your honor and you should not be involved in the planning.

I've had very little say in mine. My sister has put her input in on hers but mostly just the fact that she wanted a fiesta.

If someone is offering to host then let them host.

View Quoted Comment Thank you, Caitlin. She called him and asked him to “convince” me to just go along because the bride has no say.

Sorry to hear about your situation. I've found the people dynamics to be the hardest part of wedding planning.

I'm more unconventional than the typical bride and push back on traditions for the sake of traditions. That said, it's tricky to make sure you're not offending folks when they have expectations of etiquette.

So my take is: It should be about you. It sucks that it's not. If you can be open with your aunt, it might be worth telling her that it'd mean a lot to you if she could collaborate with your mom and find a way to include her (and offer some suggestions for jobs for your mom). Pick your battles, and it sounds like that's more important to you than the outdoor component.

I see a lot of brides on here saying that someone throwing a shower for you is a gift and is supposed to take stress away from you, but it doesn't sound like much of a gift or anti-stress if you're being forced to sit through a party you don't want and show faux gratitude while worrying about how this situation is making others feel.

Find your tightrope and do your best to find the parts that are truly kind and generous to be grateful for. Good luck

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much, Paige. I think the two of us are going to have a sit down with his aunt to discuss hopefully coming to a compromise.

After all the stress of my engagement party because my mother would tell me all the restrictions on headcount, etc. I'm happy not to be involved in the planning of my bridal shower! In fact, she started to talk to me about headcount and I said "you have my list, I don't want to know anything else!". LOL. I have plenty to plan and deal with, I don't want to add to the list. If she actually needs something, my sister/MOH can help or if I need to, I will. But it's nice not to have to plan another thing