Bride's family hiding wedding details from groom's family

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I agree with this! Who cares if they dont want a cake and just hand out a bag of chips. If they dont want to plan a wedding but just want to get married, let them do whatever they want. You are a guest at this wedding, you show up when directed, smile and then go home. To "not support the marriage" because you think her wedding planning skills are undeveloped is extreme to say the least. Everyone needs to back off and let whatever style wedding they plan (cake, no cake, who cares!) to occur.

I feel so bad for Missy. All the parents back the hell off and treat these two like adults. I would even suggest the couple going no contact with them for some peace. The best thing you and husband can do is support the young couple and tell inlaws you will not be siding with them in any discussions/debates because they are none of your business.

Many families are toxic. The picture perfect ones are rare. Not everyone will have the great experience you did and many couples don't have parents they can turn to due to toxicity. Parents are guests and not entitled to financing the wedding or being aware of every/any detail.

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100% agree with all of this.

This is normally a growing time for a young couple, the first time many cannot say, you are good at this, you do it. As many grooms start to do. Or work out that each of them does need to know the decisions from beginning to end. 🙂In my experience the worst thing two families can do is wrestle for control, something that will hurt the couple's ability to learn to work through issues themselves. You have given checks, but all along it has been clear that the groom and bride consider the bride's family the hosts.
That means, a specific relative on your side may have a specific question, and asks the groom, and it is up to him to bring things to his fiance, or not. Your in laws were way out of line. You should mind your business except if specifically asked something. Do they ask you about your finances, decisions, in your family? No, they stay within their boundaries and do lot reach into your personal territory. The host and couple most often do 90%
of planning in my experience, whichever family that is by finances, or the couple's choice. Or the couple does it all. And both families stay out. Bride may have had a fine timeline for doing things for herself, until months got cut off her planning time due a job change. Normally this would be when groom learned, he had been sitting back leaving too much to his bride. And he would have had to grow up a little more, and work out a way to make decisions a lite more ling distance, a little over the phone and email letter. Instead both families jumped in, leaving the groom and bride no chance to work this out as a couple. They would have had a better marriage to come, as well as better planning time, if the in laws and you and her parents never tried to take control. We had a 5 month engagement with no advance planning, and finished planning with nothing to do the last couple of weeks . There is no reason to think the bride and groom would not have shifted, with him taking on more responsibility from his bride rather than having two families to fight with. In 2-3months they could have done what the bride had not done. And had a stronger marriage. As for showers, those are not planned by the couple, they are planned by those who volunteer, usually friends. And unless MOG had volunteered way back to also give a shower, the MOG would only have known the date of the shower. The friend group would plan it (maybe bridesmaids) on their own, and send an invitation 2-4 weeks before it, like everyone else including you. The rehearsal dinner is planned first, after it has been decided if their will be a rehearsal, or if B and G have separate thank you parties for WP. So neither in laws nor you would ordinarily have heard about! hem unless you volunteered way back. We never had any help from either set of parents about the wedding, until we started planning where family guests would stay, and separate family reunions with overseas guests who stayed a week or two were parental things. Anything we did not share, they did not ask. We were both 25, had known each other 9 months before becoming engaged, 5 engaged. Most of that time we were each working 60 plus hour weeks to pay off our own grad work. Then, to pay for the wedding. What a gift , two sets of parents and other family who assumed we were competent adults and would seek out help if we needed it, and otherwise have a chance to work out things as we would do that after marriage. Your two families took critical planning tome from the couple, not to say what you did to anger and frustrate them, not allowing them to find planning solutions for themselves. *******†******* Whatever made you think it was your position to judge if they have " the beginning of a healthy long-term family dynamic?" The only way to develop one is two be allowed to develop one during wedding planning, the long period before marriage that is for this? Instead of burning out on overly controlling parents and other relatives? Not everyone uses a lot of decorative objects. Given 5 years and plenty of money, many couples will still have a wedding that has no need for theme or decorations, but is simply a nice wedding in an already nice venue. Just nicely tell the couple that you and in- laws will back off and only help when asked. Say you went overboard without giving them the chance to work things out as a couple. Don't stop " giving your support". Start. By helping IF needed in the next 8-10 weeks.

Wow, that's a whole lot of manufactured drama and details that no one but the people getting married really need to be involved in. Too many meetings and sit downs and interferences from all sides to really weigh in objectively.

But if the bottom line is this: "Are we right to not support this marriage? Jay's demeanor fluctuated so much and she did all of the talking at that last meeting with our in-laws. We absolutely would not have thought she'd behave this way in this situation. We're so afraid she's manipulating him and that he's stuck in a toxic relationship."

Then I would say, no I don't think you are right to "not support this marriage." If you and your husband love his brother, then you support *him*. And if you support him, you attend his wedding. You don't need to contribute or help plan it, but you should attend. If you don't support him and his decisions and you want to sever all contact/hope of a future relationship, then by all means, refuse to attend the wedding.

To address your first question: my in-laws were not involved in a single part of the wedding planning. They were sent invitations with the location, date, and time.

The first thing my dad told us when my husband asked for his blessings was, "we will never meddle in your business. Families can really mess things up for a young couple."

There is so much wrong here I am having a hard time putting it all in order.

From your own admission, "she was very sweet and that they seemed really in love." And it didn't click as to why, "suddenly," this dynamic changed? After, I don't know, an overbearing, nosy family started making demands and treating them both like toddlers?

On the "bashing your wedding" - you mentioned your décor more than once. First, I'm really shocked that no one, including you, would consider for a moment why Missy doesn't want your hand-me-down wedding items, even if you had the exact same wedding style. Second, my bet is that the in-laws pushed for her to use your hand-me-downs during their little "talk", and she lashed out. I also think that this is entirely irrelevant to the issue (what does it matter what she thought of your wedding? How does that in any way have anything to do with supporting their marriage?) so the fact you included it makes me think you're pretty bitter about this and it's coloring your opinion.

How would you feel if Jay called up your husband and demanded he take sides with their parents against you about something? That sounds absurd, doesn't it?

One thing I have a big beef with here: Your in-laws and your husband are demanding respect that they aren't reciprocating. You don't "demand a talk" with grown adults that you respect. You "demand a talk" with your teenager who you suspect is smoking pot behind the school bleachers. You don't call up and yell at a grown adult you respect - you call up and yell at your kid brother.

"... controlling the wedding and possibly much more about both of their lives ..." And the in-laws are now making big accusations they are in no place to make, and to their future DIL, to boot! Red card. Foul. Way out of line here.

To answer your direct questions:

1: if your in-laws wanted to be the hosts, then they should have offered to plan the wedding. If they aren't the hosts, then no, they don't have any right to be mad. You say they gave checks for the venue and food - and they know the location, the part of the wedding that they helped pay for. That doesn't entitle them to information about the shower, the décor, or literally anything else. If they suspect she has used their money for something else, then they can bring that grievance up, but that has nothing to do with knowing the details of the wedding.

2: nope, not with you on this one. His demeanor is fluctuating because he's being forced into uncomfortable positions by his own freaking parents - over something as trivial as wedding planning - who are expecting him to side with them against his bride and future wife.

And my advice:

Number one: your husband needs to call his brother and apologize. "I'm sorry I lashed out at you and treated you like a child. It came from a good place, but it was immature and wrong, and I'm sorry." He also should graciously accept if his brother does not want to take him back as his best man.
Number two: in-laws are out of bounds in all respects, period, and they need to be told as such. I don't know who should tell them, but they should be told. They don't get to call meetings like the Council of Elrond over a wedding they aren't hosting, and they also should refrain from speculating about anything to do with their future DIL's mother.
Number three: everyone should also be told to stay the heck out of the wedding. Let them have whatever kind of wedding they end up with. As another poster said - your job as guests is to show up when you're told and smile. This isn't a soap opera where you get asked "if anyone objects to this marriage--" and get to make a dramatic declaration that halts the wedding.
Number four: everyone also needs to be told to back off their relationship. Do they need counseling? Yes. They clearly have an unhealthy way of coping/dealing with a stressful situation, and would greatly benefit from it. But they aren't going to hear that from any of you now.

The entire family has established itself as the enemy, and that's going to take time to heal. The best way to do that is to apologize for overstepping (which everyone has), back off, and be supportive. If you really do choose not to be supportive, prepare for the fall out - permanently ruining your relationships with Jay.

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Agree with this

View Quoted Comment I am going to have to give this a resounding AMEN! through my tears of laughter over the “Council of Elrond” comment 😂😂

View Quoted Comment Wow yes this. This family is seriously destroying this couple's relationship and being so out of line.

View Quoted Comment One more time for the people in the back!! 👏🏻👏🏻

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LOL this is such a 'mic drop' comment. Could not agree more with this! What a graceful and light way of telling someone to mind their business!

View Quoted Comment This 100%.


OP you honestly lost me when you stated you all are no longer supporting their marriage. Why would you possibly think their marriage and relationship is for you to support or not? Why is it any of your business?
Please re-read what Eniale said because she hit the mail on the head. I too feel bad for Missy.

View Quoted Comment ALL. OF. THIS.


OP, please put yourself in Missy's shoes for a second. How would you feel if your in-laws ganged up on you, told you you weren't planning well enough and forced you into taking hand me down decorations? How would you feel if you were constantly fighting with your fiance because his parents started treating you like a child? How would you feel if your FBIL and SIL were all of a sudden questioning your relationship when you've been nothing but "sweet", and then have your FBIL basically rage quit being your FH's best man?
Your husband and in-laws have put this couple in a really awful situation, and apologies are owed to them all-around.

Council of Elrond was my favorite part! Dyyyying.


OP, you need to get over Missy “talking trash” about the decor at your wedding. People don’t need to have the same taste to be good friends/family members. You seriously need to stop focusing on this.
I can very easily put myself in the position of being 23, madly in love and then confused and hurt when my future in-laws, who I’d always loved, being demanding and intrusive. I can imagine resisting being treating like a child. I can imagine feeling dejected and so confused by future in-laws who had previously been super supportive and helpful to me.
And all those feelings match with a bride reaching out to her own mom for support. She probably played on her phone for the entire summoned “meeting” to prevent her from saying something rude to the people who were treating her daughter like crap.

It sounds like this marriage wont last, but unfortunately in situations like this thats something they have to figure our for themselves-the chances that they will listen to you are slim. They need counseling if they really want to get married..but seeing as the wedding is this May? Yikes

I think OP deleted her account...but I hope she took what we all said to heart

If their wedding is a disaster, it's none of your business.

So, they're young. Ok.

And they don't know what they are doing, but they don't want to ask for help.

EVERYONE in this situation needs to drop it and let them learn.

They are lashing out, because everyone is attacking them.