Bridesmaid Dilemma

Sorry, but she’s being the unreasonable one. I would definitely not put her wedding above your already planned anniversary trip.


“Dear friend,

I am so honored that you asked me to be a part of your wedding party on your special day. Unfortunately, I am going to have to decline the request as I am unable to make it due to a previous engagement. I hope that we can celebrate together in the future.
With love,

Kathy”

I understand it’s hard to not feel guilty, but you never committed and gave her plenty of forewarning regarding your inability to promise to be there. **Edited to add** If she pushes the issue, I would be honest about all of the things you listed here. Though, if she's already not receptive (as it sounds as though she isn't), she may not take any excuse and may end the friendship (which may end up being a hidden blessing as she doesn't sound like much of a friend). Best of luck!

Don't give her a bunch of reasons, since that usually leads to someone trying to argue around them. Just say, I absolutely, definitely will not be able to attend your wedding. It is nice that you want me there. But I will not . Please choose another friend or family to be by your side, and have a wonderful wedding. . . . You need to stop her from obsessing over er this. You said no in a way that has made her hope it might change, and she needs a final, absolute NO. Kinder than her continuing to hope for something that won't happen. Your good intention to break it gently has not worked. Just do it clearly, no possibility of a change. No, I will not be there. No.

Here is the reality. She is being a bit of a bridezilla and I get she wants you there but it is not like you like down the street and are choosing not to go. You live out of the country. If she does not understand that you cannot be a bridesmaid or maybe a guest then she is not a real friend. I would call her and nicely say you have really thought things through and as much as you want to be a part of her wedding you cannot. If she is ok you would like to try and attend as a guest but let her know otherwise. If she reacts well maybe agree to send her a wedding gift.

That is so weird. I feel like it would be a given that you’re not going because of your trip... can you just say something like, “it’s so exciting that you guys have chosen a date! I would have loved to be there but you’ll have to share the pics with me when I get back from my anniversary trip!” Lol because it really seems like since you already told her about your plans, you don’t need to say more?

I like what one of the pps said - tell her you thoughts things through and as much as you'd like to you can't change plans for your anniversary trip and will have to pass on the wedding. I wouldn't apologize as she seems to have specifically put you in this uncomfortable situation. Good luck!!! The beauty of living overseas is that you don't really have to deal w her or this situation lol

You have no obligation to her. Being a bridesmaid is a choice! My sister/MOH moved overseas and does not know if she'll be able to come back for my bachelorette party and I GET that. International travel is pricey and she shouldn't be making you feel bad for not wanting to choose her wedding over your anniversary trip. It honestly doesn't sound like you're that close with her? I'd tell her no and prepare for the friendship to end.

You need to be super direct with her and decline the invitation. Don't provide a bunch of reasons - you just aren't going to be able to do it and then wish her well. I'm super curious why she is being so pushy about it.

I agree with some other commenters, the more "reasons" you give that you will not be a bridesmaid and unable to attend the wedding, the more ways she will try and argue those reasons. That being said, I can understand not wanting to hurt feelings more than you know it will when she finally gets the message that you won't come, and you don't want to necessarily lose a friend over this ordeal.

Firmly say something along the lines of :

"Bethany,

I am so happy for you and Rob's engagement and know you will have a beautiful wedding and happy life together as a couple. Unfortunately, I will not be able to be a party of the wedding party nor attend as a guest. I hope to celebrate with you in the future."

While a phone call will be more personal, be prepared for her to demand to know why, and understand you do not have to answer these questions. You can simply say "I am unable to attend. Thanks for your understanding" and when it is brought up again in the future you can say nicely, but firmly "we already discussed this before. I will not be able to attend". If she keeps bringing it up, just keep repeating the same line.

I'm sorry it came to this point, and hopefully some time in the future the friendship will be able to recover once she realizes in her bride-bliss she lost touch with reality a bit.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I honestly think that the friendship will end over this, because I told her again and the couple are still refusing to accept no for an answer and told me to just think about it. I think they know that I don't want to do it but think that if they keep pressuring me and guilt tripping me, that I will finally cave and say yes.

I guess the thing that annoys me the most is that they will probably go around telling people that one of their bridesmaid selfishly declined being in the party and everyone will think that I'm the bad guy here without knowing the full story.

This sounds rough and similar to a situation I dealt with a good friend although not a bridesmaid proposal. You should know that even if you say it in the nicest way possible it might mean the end of your friendship if you are okay with that. Coming from the other end, as the bride, one of my good friends moved to florida. She dodged my bridal shower the day before even though she was in the state, as her family lived here still. She was fully on board with coming to the wedding. It came closer and she texted me she and her husband couldn't come. He's in the military, I understood that but not her not coming either. I was pretty mad I am not gonna lie and it changed my view of our friendship to the point where I guess I am just not going to make an effort anymore. Obviously scenarios happen and every scenario is different. Being a flight away in the states is different than across the pond and having a trip already planned. Big life events are always going to matter to those experiencing them, and everyone will feel differently about those who miss out on them. I think you are being level headed about it.