Bridesmaid Drama: Demanding to bring baby to wedding or not come at all!

"We are unwilling to make the exception, we do not want kids/babies at our wedding."

It sounds like you already know what to do.

I would say, "I'm sorry but I thought we made it clear that it's an adults only ceremony and reception. Since you can't leave your baby at home, the only thing I can say is "I understand and I'll miss you."

I guess she's not coming then! I don't think there's much you can do. You offered a potential solution and she is demanding otherwise.

Considering her child is so young and she's your bridesmaid, I kind of feel like you should make an exception if you care that much about her being there. His family will understand she's a bridesmaid and has a young child.

We had a kid free wedding and wouldn't compromise either. But this seems a bit different. Is your BM breast feeding? If so then "just the ceremony" could very well be over 2 hours when you count in the time to get ready and photos....our ceremony was about 45 minutes and pictures were about that long too.

You have to make a choice. Do you want your friend there or not? It sounds like her and the baby (IF your friend is breast feeding) are a package deal at the moment and you can't have one without the other. And honestly, at 2 months old, its not like they do a whole lot right now and the baby will probably spend most of the time sleeping.

If she is exclusively breast feeding she can't really be away from her child. It's not really her call. Her child needs to eat. I realized it would be devastating for you to not have her there, but realize that her child comes first to her. You can't really schedule the feedings of a 1-2 month old. His feedings that day might fall right into the ceremony time and neither she, nor you, can control that. If you aren't willing to budge on the no kids rule, which I understand as we are doing the same, then you need to let her out of her obligations that day. Her baby comes first, and rightly so.

Smells like troll, but i'm killing time so...

"Her baby (~2 months) isn't taking to a bottle and has to be fed every ~2 hours"

This is your friend and BM who has to be in close proximity to her child for its well being. If you were my 'friend' you would be getting called an asshat.

Do babies seriously need to eat every two hours? I have a hard time accepting that because it seems like our species would have died off a hundred thousand years ago if that were the case because our infants were causing too much sleep deprivation and we'd just abandon them in the forest.

She can't really help it if her child needs to be breast fed. That's one exception I would be willing to make and you kinda look like a bad friend right now if you can't understand that her child needs to eat. If you were my friend I would probably end our friendship to be honest.

Is your wedding a city or country wedding? If it's in the city, can the dad and baby be nearby, so that she can go breast-feed the baby between the ceremony and the photos? Or is there an area in your wedding venue where the dad could be by himself with the baby? That way your guests wouldn't "see" there was an exception, but she would have her baby in the premises.

Fiance put his foot down about kids at the wedding and at the end of the day I'm marrying HIM, not my bridesmaid! It's not just about offending his family either, I really don't want babies there. They are unpredictable and we do not have a microphone/sound system at the ceremony.

The bigger drama is that she thought I said it was ok to bring her baby (miscommunication from previous conversations), so now she's upset that she's finding out she can't bring her baby 2 weeks before the wedding. But on my end, I'm finding out 2 weeks before the wedding that she was bringing her baby! Her toddler child is staying at home with her MIL.

I thought people were supposed to try to accommodate the bride on her big day, especially those that accepted the responsibility of being a bridesmaid? Not the other way around!

@PK...yes they do. I don't even have kids and find your rationale ridiculous.

I.... no, I just can;'t accept that. No sane person is going to feed a baby every two hours. That's asinine. How could you even survive?

What is she doing as a bridesmaid? Will she have to be in pictures? Do you want her to get ready with you? All of this will take up more time than "just the ceremony". Exclusively breast fed babies really can't be away from their mothers too long, they need to be fed. Could you make a compromise? Have her husband take care of the baby somewhere close by? He could hold the baby during the ceremony so she can stand up with you, but she won't have to worry about the baby being too far away.

If you really are unwilling to have the baby there, then you just have to accept that she can't come.

As a mom who did have a baby who refused to take a bottle, no it would not be possible for her to leave the baby at home and come just for the ceremony. She needs the baby very close by, especially while she's trying to establish things during the first couple months. So she's not being unreasonable at all, just so you know. Her baby's well being is more important than your wedding, and she's probably stressed and hormonal right now. Nursing problems are truly grueling to deal with.

That being said, I'm sure she's crushed and feels awful! Honestly, you knew she would have an infant when you chose her as a BM (unless you've had a really long engagement), so it's up to you to either provide childcare on-site for her (is there a separate room in the venue? or a nearby hotel?), or just accept that it won't work, logistically. This is a possibility that both of you should have planned for, cause there's no way to know how the first months of a baby's life will go. It comes down to how much you want her in, or at your wedding. If you can find a separate room or something, where the baby could stay with her dad so she could run back and nurse him, then everyone would get what they want. And if the other family members gripe about not having been able to bring their kids, just say it was for the wedding party only, and because it's a very small baby -- but really, none of the other guests would even have to know the baby was their at all.

I understand that you don't have children, so I don't think that you're coming off like an asshat. But if you still stick to the "no exceptions" rule after people explain the constraints of a baby that small, you may seem like an asshat

A baby that little is called a "newborn" for a reason. Because they're completely dependent on mom at that age. If she's exclusively breastfeeding, even an hour away can be too long. Would you want your infant to get hungry and cry with no way to make it feel better so that you could put on a dress and stand in a wedding? No, it would go against every instinct that you had. She's not being unreasonable. She's thinking about the needs of the child.

I can almost guarantee you that *nobody* with children will think that you are making an unreasonable exception by allowing a newborn at your wedding. People with children will understand the importance of having the baby near and will know that there are not many other options.

If your concern is the baby crying during the ceremony, have her SO or somebody take the baby into another room during the ceremony. But unless she's literally getting out of a car in her dress, attending the ceremony and then getting back in the car to leave, she's not being unreasonable.

Kid vs. newborn are, in many ways, two different things.

OP - sorry about the troll reference. But really - this is your friend. Having the baby near her is a necessity, not a luxury.

As far as a friend asking me to leave my child at home, in this situation I would say they are being an asshat (but keep in mind - my friends and I have that type of relationship to call each other out strongly). Friendship comes first and that means accomodations in health issues. I think there will be alot of resentment if you do not accomodate and alot of gratitude if you take her situation under consideration. If you force her out, you may not have your friendship after it is said and done.

Also - please change your avatar and read the WW sticky. We (me in this case) often associate the default rings with 1 star as being a troll or spam. It will also help you get more responses.

@Heather....sounds like its time for you to put your big girl panties on and speak to your BM about the miscommunication. And be prepared to have a pissed off friend, and possibly even lose one, over this. You are making her choose between feeding her child and standing up in your wedding, so both you and your FH sound pretty spoiled....nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do and they wont put it before the needs of their child.

@pk "we'd just abandon them in the forest" LOL

OP this situation sucks. I think you have to do what is right for you, and she has to do what is right for her (and her baby). I don't know what the rest of your day looks like, but if you guys are all expected to get ready together and then attend the ceremony/do photos together (also depending also how far it is from her home) it may not be possible for her to do this. But I also totally appreciate not wanting a (potentially crying) baby at your kids-free wedding. So I think your options are: allow the baby (and risk it crying/your other family and friends with kids getting pissed at you), or let your BM know that you love her and wish she could be there, but understand her situation and that it isn't feasible.

@OriginalKD I don't think not wanting a crying baby at your ceremony makes you an "asshat". We're having a kid-free day too.