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July 2020

Bridesmaid drop out turned kicked out turned family feud

Kam, on August 29, 2020 at 2:29 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 20
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For some context, my cousin is getting married in 2 weeks. She is having a more intimate ceremony/reception this year and having a full vow renewal/reception next year due to covid. Both events are 6+ hours from where I live and would require an overnight stay. I am supposed to be a bridesmaid.


My cousin texted me today to let me know that due to covid restrictions my husband is no longer invited to the smaller ceremony and reception in a few weeks. I completely understand this is a tough situation no one can control. With that being said, I tried to be very thoughtful in my response and let her know I will not be comfortable driving over 12 hours and staying overnight in a hotel by myself, so I will not be able to attend the smaller ceremony this year, but cannot wait until next year to celebrate with them.
I don’t hear back from her, then about an hour later I get a call from my Mom telling me my Aunt had called her freaking out asking, “Why is your daughter always so self centered, not caring about the most important day of her cousin’s life?” What??? So I reach out to my cousin to see what is going on and she freaked out on me and told me I was ruining her pictures because now they are going to have uneven sides and doesn’t understand how I can be so selfish 2 weeks before the wedding. She then proceeds to tell me that if I choose to not come this year, I will no longer be a part of the bridal party next year (there goes a $200 dress down the drain & did I mention I had already purchased a SECOND dress for this mini ceremony?)
Now my Mom won’t speak to her Mom and this seems to be getting out of control. I’m not willing to budge on attending this ceremony by myself that I was already apprehensive about going to with everything going on.
Do I contact her again in a few days to see if she has simmered down? Do I wait until after the wedding is over and see how she is feeling then? Does anyone else think this is as ridiculous as I do?

20 Comments

Latest activity by Shirley, on August 31, 2020 at 7:35 PM
  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    I do agree that it is a little ridiculous. I would give her a few days to see if she calms down a little. I do get her frustration though with you dropping out at 2 weeks but having uneven sides not mess up the pictures or anything especially if it’s one off. I wouldn’t feel comfortable driving that long without my spouse either.
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    Ruining her pictures?

    That's the only reason she wants you around? Her cousin??

    Ask her if someone else wants your dress, sell them that dress, and wash your hands of this.

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  • Samantha
    Expert October 2021
    Samantha ·
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    This is ridiculous, people get ridiculous when it comes to weddings, (even prévoir). She should not have uninvited your Husband, then expected you to still go. If you really feel like going, is there someone who you can drive down with? Could your Husband drive down with you and you both do an extended weekend? He gets some time to himself and you both enjoy a get away together. Either way, don't do anything you are not comfortable with.
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  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    I think she was out of line. She has a right to be disappointed that you won't be there, but you also have a right to be disappointed that she uninvited your husband with such little notice. Typically, couples are social units, and both members are invited. If she's upset only because she feels her wedding pictures will be ruined, and not because she wants you there, that's on her. If she wants you to attend, she needs to invite your husband as well. I agree with Rebecca's suggestions.
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  • Leanne
    Super September 2020
    Leanne ·
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    Ooooh this sucks all the way around. We had to uninvite two peoples spouses (friends husbands) because of last minute governor orders to cut social gatherings to 50. But they understood, and the wedding is local. So that’s different than your situation.


    She’s out of line for how she’s communicating and reacting to you. And I know it’s hard, but just keep in mind her nerves are probably shot right now due to having to make changes and just the entire emotions of a wedding.
    I would give it a few days and reach out. Hopefully you both and calmly and lovingly explain how you each are feeling about it. My thought first was, could you travel with your mom? If not let her know you aren’t comfortable participating and would celebrate with her next year.
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  • N
    VIP September 2020
    Neeva ·
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    Could you still travel with your husband and he can chill at the hotel while you attend the wedding?

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Honestly, I can understand her disappointment that you are backing out two weeks before the wedding but truthfully she is overreacting. I mean be disappointed and move on. I think I would drive for my family but if your concern is more COVID related then I get it. I think it was nice you are still willing to attend the ceremony next year and I agree with others that her reasoning being that the pictures won't come out well and now there are problems between you and your aunt and mom is sad. Honestly, I could be wrong but I would talk to her after the ceremony. I feel that two weeks her mindset may not change. I mean nothing wrong with trying to bury the hatchet and hope she can understands your side but I do feel that she may not calm down two weeks before a big day and what ever other stressors she may have. I am really sorry this happened and like I said I can see why she is bothered but I think the reasoning being so her pictures turn out well is ridiculous. I do hope things between you two get resolved.

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  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
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    I can see both sides. We had to downsize due to executive orders for our wedding... and she is having a really difficult time deciding who to invite and who not to invite. It sucked uninviting. I can understand you not wanting to stay by yourself kind of... I travel the world by myself so it’s not a big deal, but again, it’s difficult for you.
    Best wishes! Smiley heart
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  • Mrs.a
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
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    It sounds to me that you are being completely reasonable and she is entirely in emotion mind and is the one who is in fact being “self-centered.” If all that matters to her is having an even number so the pictures look okay then I would offer to sell the dress to someone else if they wish to fill your shoes. As someone else said, wash your hands of this.

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  • Daisha
    Savvy October 2020
    Daisha ·
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    I too can understand both sides. I also had a bridesmaid step down with short notice so I can imagine how she feels. Under all the emotions and stress of wedding planning in a pandemic, I would charge it to her head and not her heart, she most likely just responded out of that frustrated place she’s in. Wedding planning during Covid is something no one will understand unless they too are in that position. I can’t even describe the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with it.. As some others stated above, would you consider still driving down with your husband, and he can just stay at the hotel for a few hours while you attend the mini ceremony? Then you two could still make a little vacation out of it and have a getaway once the ceremony is over. I pray everything works out for your family. In these days we’re living in, family is so important. Praying for peace and reconciliation.
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  • needmorewine
    Expert May 2016
    needmorewine ·
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    She's completely out of line. It's rude to not invite someone's spouse, and even more rude to uninvite them. COVID doesn't excuse basic etiquette and decency. The fact that she only cares about how her pictures will look with uneven numbers shows how selfish she is, and I wouldn't bother reaching out to her if I were you. She's the one in wrong and if she cares about the relationship then it's up to her to reach out and apologize. You have done nothing wrong.

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  • J
    Master October 2022
    Jana ·
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    That's completely out of line and cousin and moms both need to chill. If someone has to cut the guestlist for Covid restrictions, the first to go are parents' coworkers and other unnecessary invites who are not close to you. You don't split up couples, period. Especially when they're close enough that you're including one half in your wedding party.
    Try to get it straightened out but you could also consider it a blessing in disguise if she is that petty. You are not the selfish one.
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  • VIP August 2020
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    She's clearly being unreasonable. If this was a (non-best) friend, I would definitely say you should move on, but families are complicated and there are already involved. If you want to help resolve the family feud, you will need to reach out to her. When you should reach put to her depends on a what you're willing to do for her.

    Would you be willing to drive to the wedding with your husband but then while you go to the wedding, your husband just eats and watches movies in your hotel room?
    Based on your post it seems like you would've been willing to go with your husband, you just don't want to go without him, so that's the most obvious solution here. If you can offer to do this, it will probably save you from a lot of stress in the future, and you should reach out to her in a few days. If you really don't feel comfortable traveling because of covid concerns, don't reach out until a few weeks after the wedding. At that point, she should be less stressed out and you can compliment her on her pictures and see where things go from there. You may want to find out whether your mom has spoken to your aunt before you do that, because if you end up not being in the wedding this time, there will probably be some issues that needed to be sorted out within that generation before you're able to have a calm conversation with your cousin.

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  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
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    I would second this suggestion (if it's feasible for you). I've traveled to a number of out of town bridal showers that were between a 4-6 drive away, and my husband made the trip with me and either hung out in our Airbnb/hotel or explored the local town/city and had a nice meal by himself at a restaurant. Obviously this is a very different situation and your cousin is still being ridiculous, but this might be an option to consider if you husband is up for it and you want to make a little trip out of it.

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  • Molly
    Expert August 2021
    Molly ·
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    I think you're being reasonable. She (at the last minute practically) united your spouse which messed up any plans you made. Then she gets upset because you withdraw from her wedding last minute. That's just ridiculous. She's being hypocritical.

    I actually wouldn't compromise and have your husband drive with you and hang out in the hotel. In my opinion, this is just telling your cousin that her behavior is justifiable. With Covid going on, your husband is just going to be hanging out in the hotel room that entire time, that doesn't sound fun to me. I would hold your ground. I understand that planning during Covid is quite stressful, however, getting upset because a bridesmaid backs because their spouse was uninvited and it's a long drive is not the way to go. In normal circumstances it's rude to uninvite people, however, most people understand things with Covid going on. But, it's still wrong for her to uninvite your husband and then be offended that you decide you can't come either.

    I have driven far for a bridal shower or other things without my FH, however, I would never go to a wedding without him, even if it was a small ceremony.

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  • Katie
    Dedicated October 2021
    Katie ·
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    I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and uninviting your husband is rude in general but with such short notice is just very rude and inconsiderate of your travel plans you’ve likely already arranged at this point. It sounds like you were not 100% comfortable attending to begin with and thats understandable with the pandemic. While it is frustrating and stressful to be a covid bride I think that any bride who decides to go on with their wedding in a pandemic should be prepared for guests to not feel comfortable going. That said they are allowed their feelings and freak outs, but privately. I do not think it’s fair to put this on you and her stress is not your fault but it’s not hers either it’s just unfortunate turn of events that no one saw coming. Unless you know her to be like this is normally when she doesn’t get her way, I would give her the benefit of the doubt that it’s not about the pictures and more about you, her family who she feels close enough to make a BM, not being there on her wedding day. Again that’s not your fault either and I’m sure you didn’t make this decision lightly. Maybe she was already dealing with a major stressor when she got your message and it threw her over the edge. I would give her a couple days and then reach out again and let her know you care about her and wish her the best in her marriage you wish you could be there but need to do what you feel is right for your family at this time and you hope she can understand that and you look forward to celebrating next year. Good luck!
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  • K
    July 2020
    Kam ·
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    Thank you all for your thoughtful feedback! I had not considered driving there with my Husband to sit in a hotel room by himself while I go to the ceremony. We both agreed that it’s not something he wants or should have to do. As for driving with my Mom, she had already been cut from the guest list a few months ago. The only people attending this will be the parents of the bride and groom and the bridal party (all 4 of the other bridesmaid’s significant others are in the grooms side of the bridal party). They ended up uninviting the spouse of the 5th groomsman as well and he also decided to opt out of going this year. At least now their sides won’t be uneven in her photos! I am going to try to reach out to her in a few weeks and see if we can talk this out, I’m sure she is under a lot of stress so no need to cause any more if I am unwilling to change my mind.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    She changed the original terms of things, dis-inviting your husband. Your withdrawal was polite and reasonable. And an original one time thing, bridesmaid, she has stretched to 2 times you will have to travel, not one. Both of these after she is already married.
    If she were devastated her childhood playmate would miss her wedding, I might give her a few points for sentiment. But she is strictly worried about you leaving her with uneven sides for her pictures????? To her, now, you are not a person, you are a prop. My guess is she learned her lack of manners from her mom. Does she think you are going to be begging to be let in to her wedding vow renewal next year? Who cares, someone who considers your husband disposable and you a prop needed to balance her pictures. Whenever anyone is way out of bounds obnoxious over getting their own way, the best thing is to not respond. Ignore her. Ignore MOB. You have no obligation to repair or clean up after a mess she created. Which she will not be happy with until she gets her own ( unreasonable) way. Wrap up the dress, and give it to her as a wedding present. Spend what you would have spent on her shower and wedding presents, and do something nice for the picture prop and the disposable man.
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  • Taran
    Expert September 2020
    Taran ·
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    I can understand her frustration with your withdrawal because I'm sure she's had to adjust so many plans due to the pandemic, but the situation definitely got blown way out of proportion. I think it was very immature and uncalled for that instead of discussing the situation with you she go everyone else involved. I agree with previous posts that the best thing to do would be to let her cool off for a few days. I think you handled the situation very well especially since she retracted your husband's invite so close to the wedding date and her anger is because of the pictures being uneven. Who knows, maybe the situation will rectify and by the big celebration next year everything will have resolved

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  • Shirley
    Expert November 2020
    Shirley ·
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    Oh boy. You aren't in the wrong. But if I were you, my spouse and I would be in the car, and he would be waiting in the hotel. Of course it's not something he "has to do". Of course it's above and beyond. But I would see that my cousin is dealing with an incredible amount of disappointment and make the sacrifice for her. I would also consider driving alone and sharing a room with another girl or staying with family, if possible.


    I literally just went on a 9 hour (each way) trip with my close friend so she could attend her best friend's wedding. Due to covid, she wasn't given a plus one, so I went as a travel buddy and hung out around town while she was at the events. I'm so glad I did it. She couldn't have gone otherwise, and she was so happy to celebrate that big day.
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