Bridesmaid duties

The only requirement of the wedding party is to show up in the requested clothing for the ceremony. While your party should be made up of your closest friends a no family, who in theory are excited to do the process with you, they are under no obligation to participate or even plan any other events. Your friend may just not find bridal showers to be enjoyable. Her prerogative.

I think it’s very responsible and respectful of her to tell you up front what she’s able to commit to doing. Did you give them dates for either of these events? Maybe it’s a schedule conflict? Either way, she just has a different view than you and is being honest with you, so I don’t see any issues here.

Yes, it is a choice. If you have specific expectations out of your bridesmaids beyond the day of the wedding, it would probably be a good idea to lay all of that out for them now (i.e. what events you expect them to attend, what financial commitments you expect them to make for dress, shoes, hair, etc., you used the word “duties” - please be sure to tell them exactly what you see their duties to be). It will save everyone from future misunderstandings and let them make a better informed decision if they can commit to your expectations.

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I agree with this. In my opinion, bridesmaids (and MOHs) are not under any obligation to plan anything for the wedding (or pre-wedding events) unless they offer to or have otherwise consented to doing so in response to a request to do so.

Personally, I would have gone crazy delegating such responsibilities to my bridal party and from the perspective of a bridesmaid/MOH, I wouldn’t want to plan anything for the bride (save for maybe a bachelorette or bridal shower) because I’d be worried about getting things right and not disappointing her.

Regarding the bridal shower, you have to be mindful that your bridal party still have their own lives and it can become expensive quite quickly to be someone’s bridesmaid, so I anticipate your friend may be weary of the costs involved or the time expenditure in attending all pre-wedding events and was simply being upfront with you about that. Just the same, the bridal party aren’t obligated to attend pre-wedding events any more than your ordinary wedding guests are.

Yes, it is 100% a choice. When agreeing to be in a bridal party, the only obligation they are committing to is to show up in proper attire and stand next to you on the day of your wedding. By no means are they required to plan, host or attend any pre-wedding events.
Perhaps your BM knows she has a busy schedule or will have a hard time getting off work or juggling prior engagements, etc. so she is letting you know that she is going to prioritize going to at least one of your pre-wedding events (the bachelorette party). And if choosing between the two, the bachelorette party would make more sense than the bridal shower, as the bachelorette party is usually much smaller and centered around friends; whereas showers oftentimes include more family. And, as a previous person mentioned, maybe showers just aren’t her thing. 🤷🏼‍♀️
I will be honest, they definitely aren’t mine-I find them incredibly awkward and boring. Luckily, the past few weddings I have been in, the brides didn’t even have showers. But of the ones that did in years prior, I think I have only attended one. As excited as you are for your wedding (and all the other events surrounding it) you must keep in mind that no one is going to be nearly as excited as you; and everyone has their own lives to live.

It is wierd if she said no before even knowing when it is. That makes me wonder if its a financial thing, as gifts are usually given at showers but not at Bach parties. Either way, just try to be understanding and let it go

I agree with other PP's.

It's absolutely a choice, and she may have weighed her options / thought longer about what the financial commitment may be regarding all the pre-wedding activities and time she needs off to be in your party. Just like for guests, invites to pre-wedding activities/parties are all optional.

Breaking it all down, expecting her to be at everything.

- Bridesmaid Dress (and Shoes)

- Possible Professional Hair and Make-Up

- Possible Travel and lodging for the wedding itself

- Bridal Shower Hosting Costs

- Bridal Shower Gift

- Possible long distance travel

- Bachelorette Travel and Lodging

- Bachelorette Activities and any extras that are planned

- Taking time to help plan, attend, and continue on with their normal lives

It's a lot for anyone. And I can want to attend and host parties for the bride all I want, but that doesn't mean it's possible. Just like wedding planning, there is a lot of scheduling and making time behind the scenes for bridesmaids as well

While I'm sure you would LOVE for all your girls to take part in all the wedding activities and festivities sometimes it is just not doable for all of it. The main reason is different priorities. While it is important to YOU as the bride, the bridesmaids also have a life of their own where they need to be mindful of their jobs, scheduling of babysitters, etc. This is something to consider But maybe she isn't into showers?? But I gotta give her credit for letting you know if she is able to make it or not! So, it's good for her to let you know ahead of time ya know?
And I actually didn't even have a bridal or wedding shower. My husband and I didn't think it was really necessary. We also wanted to budget a lot for our wedding because of our other future plans (honeymoon, other travel vacations, and house projects).

At the end of the day, the job of a bridesmaid is to show up day of the wedding, wear her dress, and stand by your side. There is no rule that bridesmaids have to do all this and that and be present at every wedding event. Again while it is nice, sometimes it is just not doable. If it bothers you then you should speak to your girls if you are expecting something from them. Just keep in mind what you are asking them though because you would hate to disappoint yourself if they don't fill that role that you want to give them.

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Good list of all possible expenses. On your list only the bridesmaid dress and shoes are expected. You're right, that list is a lot for anyone.

Professional hair and makeup is paid by the wedding couple if they require it. If not, the BM can do their own.

Pre-wedding events, as you've stated, are optional. So is helping with wedding planning, making favours, tying bouquets, decorating etc etc.

Asking someone to be in a wedding party is an honour for them, not for the person getting married.

View Quoted Comment I left hair and makeup on there because more often than not the BMs are expected to pay. I am team if mandatory the couple pays, but outside of WW I’m shocked at how many require it but don’t pay.


And I agree with everything else you said. Did my reply come off as they are required to do all that (genuine question)? I didn’t mean it to haha

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Ha ha, no not really. Only on a quick read, and for people that want validation. You know how people always look for responses that agree with their OP.

Thank you so much everyone! I really do appreciate the honest feedback. I’m going to develop a plan of expenses like Janet mentioned and put them out there so they all have an idea, because that whole list isn’t what I expect from them because I agree, it is a lot and I already have in my brain of what I wanted them to do. Thanks!

People tend to have a finite amount of time that they can take off each year. It's possible she is looking ahead, knowing what amount of time she has, and planning accordingly. Also keep in mind that bridesmaids have more obligations for the year than just one specific wedding. She may be working around what she already knows she'll need time off for.

I don't really see what she said wrong?

i think it's nice she was upfront with you and seems to be trying.

some of my bridesmaids didn't go to my bachelorette and i was ok with that because like some PPs have said here - it's not easy for some people to get all that time off, etc.