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Devoted August 2019

Bridesmaid frustrations

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Tilar Fifield, on February 11, 2019 at 11:01 PM

Hello fellow brides, I’m taking a leap of faith here and I hope someone can offer me some good advice! I’ll try to keep this as short as I can.
Okay so basically I am having some really strong frustrations with one of my bridesmaids about ordering her dress. Back in December 2018 I picked a dress off Amazon that we hoped would work out (it did NOT). Fast forward to January 2019, I decided on a dress frim David’s Bridal. So, there has been a lot of dress talk for the past 2 months. I have a special group chat on the Group Me app for my girls, if someone doesn’t respond I always reach out to them personally to make sure they saw it. I’m on top of the communication here! I gave my girls the deadline of the 1st week in February to order. All but 1 of my 6 BM have either ordered or made arrangements with me to order their dress by then. My one BM is really starting to frustrate me because I can’t seem to get any info from her on when she is able to order. I have asked her SEVERAL times on what her timeline/game plan was... she is very vague with answers (if she even answers me at all). My most recent attempt was Friday afternoon, I sent her a simple text just asking when she planned on ordering, she never responded but she was posting on her socials throughout the day. So last night I texted her basically saying “hey I know you’re busy and I know money is tight but I really need to know when you plan on ordering because we need to make sure it comes in time”. Nothing. So, I texted her this morning basically saying the same thing but more on the fact that she is starting to really hurt my feelings because I feel like she is ignoring me and doesn’t care about being in my wedding anymore. And that if she cannot financially commit that I need to know so I can find another BM in time. She wants to be in the wedding but “literally has no money”. And where I am getting extremely frustrated is that I see her on her socials constantly going out to bars, getting her nails done, buying this and that, getting her eyelashes done. Just two weeks ago she spent $100 on her hair, she literally bragged about it “only” being $100 (the dress is $95 I may add). I know it is absolutely none of my business what she choose to spend her money on, but I don’t think it’s valid to use the excuse of not being able to pay for it when I literally see her blowing her money all over the place. AND the fact that she’s known about this since December. I don’t know what to do, I’m trying to be understanding and not bring up her spending habits. At what point do I draw the line? Am I crazy? How do I get it across to her that if she does not order that she will not be in the wedding?SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME.

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Devoted August 2019
Tilar Fifield · on February 13, 2019 at 10:33 PM
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Of course she was my friend, I asked her to be apart of this day for a reason. But her actions are showing me that I am clearly not as important to her and she is to me. This just isn’t a priority to her. I would not be nearly as upset about the dress if she wasn’t blowing me off. To me, she would be more of a “prop” if I just ordered the dress for her so the space was filled. But, at least if she is to be dismissed I still have a chance to ask another friend who does care about me and would be honored to be apart of my day.
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Dedicated September 2019
Kareta · on February 18, 2019 at 9:44 AM
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Things have a way of working themselves out. If she your friend then she will understand but if she was your friend she would not have u stressing about her when there are other things u will have to stress over. It’s your wedding do what makes u happy no one else🤗
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Super October 2021
Nicole · on February 22, 2019 at 8:34 PM
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Honestly, I wouldn't put up with someone blowing me off like that. It'd be one thing if she is being honest saying money is tight. But if she is ignoring text after text and you have to track her down.....Is that really someone you want "supporting" you on your big day?
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Devoted August 2019
Tilar Fifield · on February 22, 2019 at 10:44 PM
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Thank you Nicole for your support. Since I wrote this post there’s been even more going on with this particular maid and I’m honestly just over it. It’s becoming more of a friendship issue than just about a dumb dress. She actually called me apologizing about how she’s been acting about the dress and made plan to come try it on with me and another BM, but she bailed on us an hour before we were supposed to meet. So needless to say, I’m pretty much over the whole thing. I’m giving her until next week to get her crap together, and if she doesn’t I’m dismissing her.
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Master June 2017
Mrs. Coakley · on February 23, 2019 at 8:26 AM
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Okay, first of all, you don't get to dictate how other people choose to spend their money. If she wants to spend $100 on her hair but not want to spend $95 on a dress she will wear for one day, that is her choice. Second, before even considering ordering dresses, you should have asked all of your bridesmaids privately what their budget is for a dress. From there, you order a dress that is within everyone's budget. If you didn't discuss this with her first, she may not be comfortable spending that much on a dress. If you didn't discuss budget, I would reach out to your friend and say, "hey, what are you comfortable spending on a dress?" and see what she says. If they absolutely all must be wearing the same dress, I would offer to help her out with the cost of the dress since you never discussed budget first.
If you did discuss budget with her and she said that she can swing a $95 dress, I would reach out one more time. Call her up and say "Hey Jane, the dresses need to be ordered by X date in order to arrive on time. Please reach out to me if you have any concerns." If she doesn't order the dress by that date, then she can attend the wedding as a guest.

Also, don't "replace" your bridesmaids. They're people not props.
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Devoted August 2019
Tilar Fifield · on February 23, 2019 at 9:08 AM
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Thanks Mrs. Coakley, but if she didn’t want to pay for a dress that she was only going to wear for one day then she didn’t have to say yes when I asked her to be in my wedding. It’s great when brides find (over even like) BM dresses that their girls can wear more than once, but that’s not always the case. I understand it’s none of my business how she spends her money, but it doesn’t make sense when she says “I don’t have any money” when clearly she does. The point is yes, she can spend her money on whatever she wants. BUT if spending money on this dress is not a priority she needs to tell me. When the dress was chosen I did in fact ask all my girls if the price was okay and they all were. Including her.
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Master June 2017
Mrs. Coakley · on February 24, 2019 at 3:14 PM
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Okay, so since you discussed budget and she claimed she is comfortable spending that on a dress, I would call her (not text) and say,
"Hey Jane, I am just touching base about bridesmaids dresses. Per the salon, the dresses need to be ordered by X/X/2019 in order to arrive in time for the wedding. If you have any issues with this, please let me know immediately. If not, the entire lot of dresses will be ordered on X/X/2019, so you must order your dress by then. Thanks!"
She will either rise to the occasion or not. Unfortunately there is not much more you can do than this other than offering to pay for her dress (which you shouldn't have to do) I had a VERY similar situation with two of my bridesmaids but after a voicemail similar to what I typed up here, they came through at the 11th hour and ordered their dresses.
Life is busy, people have other priorities. Sometimes people are just lazy. Whatever the case, usually if you give a hard deadline, it's hard to not follow. I hope she comes through!
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Dedicated September 2019
Autumn · on February 25, 2019 at 12:07 AM
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I think people can be kind of harsh in the comments. So I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from and I would want an even number on both sides as well. I know a lot of people were saying you couldn’t replace her like a prop but if she isn’t being a friend anymore and you grow closer to someone else I really don’t see the problem. I agree though that you should try calling as well and wait until that deadline. Then find someone else. My biggest issue wasn’t with the dress but with her totally ignoring you. She could have least sent like a I’m sorry I’m busy right now text talk to you later. So you do what you think is right for you.
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Devoted August 2019
Tilar Fifield · on February 25, 2019 at 12:29 AM
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OMG Autumn thank you SO MUCH for your kind words! I was feeling the same way, but I did post the discussion, so I guess I asked for it! I was honestly shocked when so many people were basically telling me I was a jerk for “replacing” her. Which yes, I want even sides, but I would never ask someone to step in just to fill a hole. I have other friends who would love to be standing up there with me, but I can’t ask all my friends. That would be crazy! Life happens and friendships change and I guess this one is changing right now. If being apart of the most special day of my life isn’t important to her then I have other friends who would be love to do it.
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on February 25, 2019 at 3:56 PM
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I feel ya! And I hope that things go easier...

My MOH and I are having HUGE issues and I no longer want to be friends with her, nor do I want her in my wedding let alone as the Matron/Maid of honor. Long story but short version: 2yr friendship w/me- and she marries her, controlling, former high school sweetheart, is moving 850 miles away to be with him. She has tried to dictate what I wear or don’t in MY wedding, and how I decorate, the food and what type of venue *I* have! She has said she refuses to wear a certain colour( Raspberry or the plum, or even the Copper/Gold) of the wedding colours as of last night and it just goes on from there.... I lived 38yrs without her in my life, I don’t need to have the drama and heartbreak of her in my wedding.
And please refrain from attacking me, about looking for a replacement, I realllllly do NOT need that. Can’t we be supportive of one another?
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Devoted August 2019
Tilar Fifield · on February 25, 2019 at 7:26 PM
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Wow Jennifer I’m so sorry about your MOH situation!! That makes my BM drama look like a walk in the park! I always find it crazy when BMs get all upset over the color of their dresses. It’s just ridiculous to me. You said yes to being in the wedding but you’re gonna whine about the colors? 🙄 It’s the brides vision and it’s so rude for your BMs to try and dictate that. I hope you work things out with you MOH! That is really unfortunate for you to have to deal with. But congratulations on your big day!!
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on February 25, 2019 at 7:31 PM
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Well we all have our dram and stress! I am sorry that you are having it too.
I tried to make a go w/her yesterday by going to a Bridal show and then to dinner- but, well, yeah..... it went downhill Very quickly. Sadly.
( the attacking comment was NOT directed at you btw!)

I hope the best for you and your girls. As well as a lovely wedding day and a wonderful marriage!
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