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October 2019

Bridesmaid in Cousin's Wedding, Please Help!

JANESMITH123, on April 22, 2019 at 4:13 PM Posted in Parties and Events 0 10

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I'm a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding. The Maid of Honor told me that she was planning on hosting the bridal shower and I offered to help. She replied that she'd let me know when she needed help. She never got back to me so I'm thinking "that makes it easy for me then since she's planning on hosting it by herself." Months later she texted me and only some of the other bridesmaids that they are hosting the bridal shower at an Italian restaurant. She planned it for a day and time she knew I couldn't make. I told her my regrets that I couldn't be there and left it at that. I was upset that I couldn't be part of my cousin's special day but there was nothing I could do at that point so I was ready to let it go and move on. However, then the Maid of Honor texts "the mother of the bride was generous enough to cover most of the costs and we only need $125 from each of the bridesmaids." I was livid. That was extremely disrespectful to invite me after it's all planned out and then expect me to hand over $125 as if I'm one of the hosts. I respectfully told her that I didn't think it was cool of her to do that and given the circumstances I won't be able to contribute. I looked up the etiquette for bridal showers and knew I was in the right. I then texted my aunt letting her know I wouldn't be able to make it and I was confused about why it was planned for a date and time the Maid of Honor knew I couldn't make. I also mentioned I was directing all my communications to the Maid of Honor because she was the only person who expressed an interest in hosting the event. My aunt never replied so a few days later I called her to talk to her about it. I told her I was upset that I was being excluded,regardless of whether it was intentional or not, and simultaneously being expected to host (hand over a large chunk of money) without consent or consideration to my budget and time tables. She took zero accountability and kept making excuses so I left it at that even though I was still considerably hurt by it. 6 weeks later she called me asking if I was available that Saturday instead of that Sunday because she was considering changing the date (it was probably a conflict for other people considering she planned it during church hours). I told her I was and she texted me the following day that she was able to move it and then resent everyone a new save the date notice. This still didn't sit right with me because she never addressed the issue of her initially (whether intentional or not) excluding me and than rudely expecting me to host without consent. All hosts deserve the right to have a say in the plans and the budget and she deprived everyone of that right. She did whatever she wanted to do and expected everyone to be on board. I believe in direct, honest, and open communication and am against passive aggressive communication. So I called her to let her know I needed to get something off my chest and that I was hurt by the way she initially handled things. I did this because I wanted to clear the air so things wouldn't be awkward between us. She cut me off, had a brusque tone, and her first response was invalidating my feelings where she stated "you need to stop with this, I didn't hurt you." That pretty much sums up the conversation where it ended with her hanging up on me. I'm pretty depressed about the whole situation. My mom said, "knowing my sister she's going to continue to ignore your feelings, gossip about you behind your back to the rest of the family, and brush it under the rug and act like everything's fine next time she sees you." I'm very distraught, does anyone have any advice as to what I should do?

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10 Comments

Latest activity by JANESMITH123, on April 25, 2019 at 8:19 PM

Master July 2019
Hannah Online · on April 22, 2019 at 8:04 PM
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Your aunt definitely did a very crummy thing. Based on your mom's reaction, it seems par for the course. I would feel the need to balance my being hurt by my also wanting to be there for my cousin. If you feel you can grin and bear it, I would go to the bridal shower. Since your cousin asked you to be a bridesmaid, I imagine that you two are close. Maybe you can try talking to your aunt again, but I definitely would not do it at the shower. Maybe your mom has some ideas on how to handle her? It's her sister, so she's got years of experience dealing with her.
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Dedicated August 2019
Thea · on April 22, 2019 at 8:20 PM
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I would also be upset if I had no say in the planning process and was expected to fork over cash. But given that you can now attend, and that you said your piece to your aunt, I think you should consider picking your battles here. Do you have a good relationship with your cousin? Do you want to be at her shower? If yes, focus on that relationship rather than letting yourself be upset over what happened with your aunt. At the end of the day, it's about the bride.
Also, your aunt did take the time to ask you when she planned to change the date, which may have been her way of trying to make up for the initial situation.
Regarding the money, this is a trickier spot. The MOH may have taken your offer of "help" to mean "help pay." (That said, IMO she shouldn't have made assumptions about your budget and she should have tried to plan for a day that would work for you) Do you feel comfortable paying now that you're able to attend? If not, you're going to have to address this and clearly communicate that your financial contribution is contingent on you being one of the hosts.
Planning dynamics are hard. Good luck.
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Super October 2021
Nicole · on April 22, 2019 at 10:35 PM
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Yikes. This is a messy situation. Family dynamics can be so difficult. I agree with the pp, if you can handle it and be the bigger person, I'd suck it up and just be there with a smile for your cousin.
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Master October 2017
karen · on April 23, 2019 at 1:23 AM
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I am sorry. If I had been you, I would have declined when she offered to change the date. How much is this shin ding costing if the mother is paying most, and the bridesmaid's still have to pay $125? I wonder if the mother is really paying, or if you are the only bridesmaid going.
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October 2019
JANESMITH123 · on April 25, 2019 at 12:47 PM
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Thanks! That's exactly what I'm going to do, but now I feel so awkward. I'm not sure how to act. I still want to be involved with helping the bridal party set up the shower, but I'm wary that some other veil is going to be pulled over my head if I do.
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October 2019
JANESMITH123 · on April 25, 2019 at 12:52 PM
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I think it's about $30 per person with a max guest count of 50 people. I expect 30-35 people will actually be there. One of the bridesmaids is the mother of the bride's daughter so she is technically covering most of the cost since she's paying for her daughter plus whatever costs are left over. However, if fewer people arrive than anticipated the costs will likely be lower. The bridesmaids who live out of state aren't expected to chip in which is fair. I would have happily chipped in but I can't after the way I was treated. I don't want to set the tone that I'm a doormat, because she's been treating my mother like a doormat her whole life and seems to think she can do the same with me. I'm a military veteran, she seems to forget that you can't tread on me.
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October 2019
JANESMITH123 · on April 25, 2019 at 12:56 PM
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I'm a full-time college student so that amount is over my budget. I saved $50 for this that I was planning on contributing but I don't feel comfortable doing so anymore after the way I was treated. My cousin confirmed for me she is gossiping negatively behind my back about the situation. If I give her anything now it sets the tone that you can treat me like crap and get away with it. I let her know I won't be contributing and am going to show up for my cousin with a smile on my face as if nothing happened.
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October 2019
JANESMITH123 · on April 25, 2019 at 1:04 PM
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Thank you for your advice! I'm definitely going to show up for my cousin with a big smile on my face as if nothing happened. I couldn't communicate too clearly when I wrote this initial post because the negative conversation had just happened and it was all still raw when I typed here. But I tried talking to her about it twice and each time she was defensive and never once acknowledged my feelings even though I did nothing but acknowledge hers while also reaffirming my own feelings. It's clear to me that I can't have a healthy relationship with my aunt, she doesn't seem to be a healthy person. All I can do is keep my distance and let it go and move on. My concern though is that I'm wary to be involved with the wedding party now because I don't want any more veils pooled over my head. Since my aunt clearly saw nothing wrong with her behavior I don't want to put myself in this situation again. I'm torn though because I thought it would be fun to help plan my cousin's wedding journey and ensure it's as special and wonderful as she is. However, it's not worth the drama with her mom so I think I'm going to need to stay out of everything.
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Dedicated August 2019
Thea · on April 25, 2019 at 3:26 PM
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Good for you! Dealing with family is hard - I hope everything goes smoothly for you from now on.
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Super September 2019
Alyssa · on April 25, 2019 at 8:13 PM
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I would be hurt if my aunt did something like that too. I think it's crazy to ask bridesmaids to pay that and not asking or considering the budget of people. I think your feelings are legit and I would be upset too
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