Bridesmaid issues

If you've asked for help and she's ignoring you then you have a problem. It isn't really the MOH's job to go out of the way to help you with whatever you need (and living nearby shouldn't be a requirement) but if she's lying to you and ignoring you then I wouldn't want that person in my wedding at all.

You should have a frank discussion with her saying "I'm really struggling with this and could use some help. I understand that your life doesn't revolve around my wedding, but I was really hoping as my Maid of Honor I could get some support from you around [these specific concerns]. If you are too busy or don't want to help please just let me know so I can seek support from someone else [and/or] we can discuss whether you being my MOH is really a good fit for either of us." You may also need to set some boundaries for each of you - maybe she's busy and you're kinda needy and it's a difficult balance for you to find. In that case, something like a weekly check in could be of benefit, that way you have her undivided attention on a regular basis and feel that you get her input and support but she doesn't feel like she is at your beck-and-call and is able to focus on whatever else is going on in her life as well. In the end, you need to figure out whether you can balance your needs with hers and vise versa, and if not, it's best to acknowledge that and move on. Good luck!

Do you know if it's perhaps something going on with HER? i feel like before you cut her out of the wedding and/or your life, it would be worth it to have an open honest conversation about if she's doing ok. i mean, we don't know everything that goes on with our friends - some things they keep to themselves or may be going thru that we don't see. of course though, you're valid for your frustrations because she isn't sounding reliable right now but i'd just wanna see anyway if something IS up with her.

View Quoted Comment I’ve seen on her snap she’s been traveling all over with this guy and been drinking a lot but she had also told me months ago she had a tumor in her head and at that time I believed it but now not so much because it seems everything she tells me is a lie and I’m not sure I want that person standing next to me. It’s unfortunate I learn all this during my wedding planning!

I think as the pp have stated, it's best to just sit down and have a one on one with her. And you both may end up being happier for doing so. Maybe being a MOH just isn't for her and you can ask someone who can be there for you the way you need it.

View Quoted Comment Unfortunately she doesn’t live close to me at all! Different side of the US and so that’s a little hard to do. She also doesn’t answer my calls or messages.

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Maybe send her a nice email explaining your feelings and giver her the option to bow out gracefully.

Yeah I wouldn’t want someone like that being my MoH. I had trouble a bit with mine. Everything cost so much for her that she is the only want I have by my side I’m like frustrated with her I talked to her and literally was like “if the money is going to be issue tell me now so I can find someone else to be my MoH” she got her dress and such now it’s gotten better.


So if she’s not answering you send one more message
“That I really could use some help with this for the wedding that I thought as my MoH you would be happy to lend me your help, but if you can’t help me out then maybe being a MoH is not a good fit.”
Something along the lines of that. If she’s lying to you then that’s not what you need. Being a MoH is an honor and important if she can’t take it seriously find someone else who will be honored to be that special person.
Doesn’t matter if there’s more on one side than another. If my fiancé knew few people I could’ve had more people by my side. But he doesn’t know who to have as a best man. He’s shy and I’m his best friend. I can’t quite be in 2 spots 😅

Some people seem to think that the bridal party are required to help plan their weddings, but that isn't the case. Only the bride and groom are required to plan their wedding. The only job of the bridal party is to purchase the attire that is requested and be at the wedding. Since she has already purchased the dress, then the only other requirement is that she show up for the wedding. I wouldn't kick her out of the wedding as that will cause permanent damage to your friendship. With covid she could be very busy or under a lot of stress. Also, having even number of bridesmaids and groomsmen isn't necessary.

View Quoted Comment That’s not really the point and even at this time I’ve done everything needed it’s the fact of all the lying and countless times she’s told me she’d do things and doesn’t follow thru. But thanks for the input!

View Quoted Comment I thought they helped plan the bachelorette party and bridal shower? Maybe I’m wrong! I always see things on here saying don’t plan your own parties!

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The lying is definitely an issue for sure. If you were giving her tasks and she wasn't following through then I wouldn't continue to give her tasks to handle. Either handle those tasks yourself or if someone else offers to help have them help. It doesn't sound like she is very interested in planning your wedding which makes sense since it isn't her wedding it is yours. I would reach out to her again and let her know what your concerns are. If she doesn't answer or reply then I would move forward as if she isn't in the wedding. I wouldn't kick her out or anything like that though.

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You don't plan your own parties, but they also don't have to plan them. Some people just don't have them because no one offers and you really shouldn't be planning your own. Another close family member can also offer to throw you a shower, but you shouldn't ask.

As stated, they don't HAVE to do anything except buy the attire and show up. Really, she hasn't fallen through on either of those yet, and no one is going to care about your wedding as much as you do. I would strongly suggest asking her what's up and talking to her about what's going on in her life. Just cutting her out of the wedding party, no matter the situation, will most likely do serious damage to your friendship.

View Quoted Comment Yes at this point I feel like the friendship is already gone! So that isn’t really an issue!

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Normally someone will offer to help plan your bachelorette party and bridal shower. My mom and former best friend had offered to host my shower. I wasn't involved in the planning at all as it was supposed to be a surprise. My former best sounds very similar to your friend. Although she is the one that offered to host my shower with my mom, she wouldn't respond to my mom. My mom tried for months to reach out to her. I didn't know there was an issue until the day before my mom was going to go look at venues. At that point, my mom called me to inform me that my former best friend went off on her because my mom wanted to go look at venues. My former best friend then called me up dropping out because she couldn't handle the stress of being in the wedding. I was devastated until I found out that my former best friend was badmouthing my husband and I for months. Needless to say, I stopped talking to her after I learned the horrible things she said. My mom and sister-in-law (husband's sister/bridesmaid) ended up hosting my shower. Some of my bridesmaids helped with little things like decorations or buying games to play. My mother-in-law made the desserts. Meanwhile, my sister who was my maid of honor did nothing. She didn't even want to help with running the games at the shower. My sister-in-law asked her to help at the shower and my sister acted like she was being held at gun point. As for my bachelorette party, it got all messed up because one of my bridesmaid's was sick and the other her husband made plans for them to go to Florida when my party was so she couldn't attend. We ended up just going to dinner then bowling afterwards. Normally the bridal party will offer to host your bachelorette party. It doesn't have to specifically be the maid of honor.

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OP, please don't take this advice about replacing someone just because they can't afford all of the wedding costs. Obviously, if there are other issues like lying (not sure I understand that part since you said she does have her dress), and you are ready to let the friendship go, then tell her you don't need her any more.

But if you want to keep the friendship, I would work to resolve things before your wedding. And even if she does leave your wedding party, there is no reason to replace her; your husband losing a groomsman shouldn't factor into your decision at all.

One of my former friends was going to be a bridesmaid but our friendship was awful. It felt very one sided. I didn't ask for help with anything for my wedding either though. But after awhile I got sick of the drama that was her life; it got to be where she would come to me with all of her problems but the second I came to her with something she would ignore it. I got tired of and finally blew up at her. Then she started bad mouthing my FH and his family about their military service (long story). She crossed so many lines. One day I was home sick from work and noticed that she had removed me from social media and blocked me on all formats. Honestly my life is less complicated since that friendship ended. Plus my FH didn't like her.

View Quoted Comment I’m saying if she couldn’t pay for it she could back out of it. That’s my story. Because things were a lot of money and money issues with her. I’m only looking out for her. I never said anything about OP removing her MoH because of money lol.

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OK. I guess I assumed you shared that story because you felt it was relevant to the OP's situation.

For anyone else who is reading and has issues with their bridal party not being able to afford things, please place the friendship above money. You won't regret doing that in the long run.

View Quoted Comment Oh definitely not. I just wanted to share that sometimes there’s issues. I actually didn’t want her to over pay since she has part time job only. I wanted to give her choice. I felt like if she struggled it damage the friendship. Especially since I’m like yes it’s even more money for me. 😕

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They can, but it's not a requirement. Any friend can volunteer to plan the bach party or bridal shower. I guess it's more an expected thing on the movies for the MOH to plan all of these, and it may be a tradition, but it's not a requirement, especially if they live far away. My MOH lives 8 hours away, but I've wanted her to be my MOH for years (and actually she's a lot closer than she used to be), but I told her when I asked her that I wasn't expecting her to plan those things. In my culture the mom plans the shower, and the bach party is more a group endeavor.

It definitely sounds like y'all are having some friendship issues. Before you decide you don't want her there anymore, my question is (and mainly rhetorical, not for you to tell me) why did you ask her to be your MOH in the first place?