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September 2031

Bridesmaid not invited to bridal shower / bachelorette

Tanya, on April 29, 2020 at 10:15 AM Posted in Parties and Events 0 6

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Back story: my cousin who is the same age as was getting married. Her and I have been really close for cousin who see each other every once in a while (or so I thought). About 9 months before her wedding, she asked me to be her bridesmaid, and I said yes and I was super excited to be there for her in a BM capacity. I wouldn’t have been offended if she didn’t ask me to be, because at the end of the day she is a sister to me. She creates a WhatsApp group chat with all the other bridesmaids and added me to it where we discussed bridesmaid outfit ideas. The last msg I received in that chat was 9 months before the wedding.

PS. keep in mind this is an Indian wedding.
She goes to India for her wedding outfits shopping- and gets all the bridesmaids their outfits as well. She got mine too. Upon her return, 6 months before the wedding, we met and she gave me my outfit and I tried it on and it was great.
Every now and then I’d reach out to her and ask if there was anything I can help with- and she would say no it’s been covered and the wedding planners are taking care of everything.
Now come 1 month before the wedding- I started to wonder why her maid of honour or her best friend (who is also a BM) haven’t reached out to plan for her bridal shower or bachelorette. I was in school and had a busy month as it was finals seasons, so I thought I’d just wait another week.
I was waiting and waiting, and then I’m like you know what let me just message her Maid of Honour and ask her what’s going on.
To my surprise, the same day I decided I’d ask her, I was on Instagram where I saw that the girls had the bridal shower that same day and were going for her Bachelorette that same night. Also, one of the girls who attended the bridal shower & bachelorette wasn’t even a bridesmaid.
I was really hurt, offended and insulted. But I thought maybe she wanted it to be her friends only and not a cousin. I tried to justify her actions.
The wedding comes around. The way in which we are related is her dad is my moms brother, so a week before the wedding festivities started my mom and I went to my cousins place for lunch and some small ceremony.
During that time, I notice that all her bridesmaids (except me) are already at her house practicing for some dance performance they wanted to do at the Wedding reception. I also she she’s invited a whole bunch of other people, but didn’t even care to ASK me if I wanted to part take. I was offended, hurt and insulted, again.
And because I am obliged to attend the wedding because of my moms relationship here, I attended the wedding ceremonies with grace.
The day of the wedding: her best friend messaged me on WhatsApp, and says to come to the bridal suite as that’s where all the bridesmaids were getting ready. Also, good thing to note is I have all her bridesmaids on Instagram and I had decided not to wear the bridesmaid outfit as she didn’t even treat me like one.
So that morning I took a picture and posted it on my story with my outfit, and the brides BFF messaged me and asked me to come to the bridal suite AFTER she has seen my Instagram story and knows I’m not wearing the outfit.
So I go to the wedding, wearing my own outfit. After the wedding reception and everything was done, I sent my cousin a msg saying she looked beautiful and wishing her a happy married life etc. And all I got was “thank you” literally that. Nothing more.
Am I over reacting? Because I am really hurt by this.

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6 Comments

Latest activity by Anais, on April 30, 2020 at 3:25 PM

Super December 2020
Anais · on April 29, 2020 at 10:23 AM
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I don't think you're overreacting by being mad at the way you were treated, it was extremely rude to ask you to be a bridesmaid but not at all include you in the shower and bachelorette parties. I would be so hurt as well if my cousin did that to me.
Now, I think your cousin was probably really mad and confused if you decided without telling her that you won't wear the outfit she had picked out for you to include you in her day. I would be if one of my bridesmaid did that. Even if she was in the wrong originally, you did not make it better by attending as a guest only, without telling her. Also, I don't know how soon after the wedding you sent her that message but if it was that night she might have been busy or have received a lot of texts that night. I would just reach out to her and talk about the whole situation and how she made you feel so you guys can move on.
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Expert October 2021
Samantha · on April 30, 2020 at 2:02 PM
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Hi, so not the same situation, but similar. I took a 14h flight to my cousin's wedding (not destination family is very spread out). Didn't sleep for 24hrs because there were many traditions, the first started at 1am. Several other family members were in the same boat. The bride for the most part ignored us, gave us the wrong times for the different events so we showed up 4hrs early for everything when we could have been sleeping or eating etc...
Anyway, I know how you feel. It sucks to put in the effort and time and in my case spending 30 of the 72hrs traveling. Also got the same text 'thanks' that's all. I hope you can repair your relationship. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.
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September 2031
Tanya · on April 30, 2020 at 3:14 PM
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Well, see at first I thought that maybe I might offend her by not wearing the bridesmaid outfit. And I contemplated it A LOT. Anais, I’m not sure if you’ve been an Indian wedding before, but these weddings are about 3-4 days including all ceremonies and wedding reception. The entire time I attended the ceremonies, my cousin not once spoke to me or Said a proper hello or even take 2 mins, yes two mins to say hi.

The first two days, everyday I’d go and ask my aunt where she was so I can say hi to her, and I understand, it’s her wedding and her special day- I have no intention of taking up too much of her time. But if you ask someone to be a bridesmaid you do owe them a courtesy of speaking to them and having you maid of honour ensure that the bridesmaid are involved.
Also, the bride had planned And choreographed all the performances for the “Sangeet” night (it’s a ceremony filled with singing and dancing) and also for the reception. All her bridesmaids were in it, but she “forgot” to ask me?
If you plan the more significant parts of your wedding such as the entry of your brides maid before the brides entrance to the venue, then you plan who’s walking with whom, when they’re going to enter, etc. Why was I told simply by one of the other bridesmaid ON THE DAY OF THE WEDDING? To me that doesn’t make sense. It’s like offering to help when the problem is solved. In my case it’s another bridesmaid msging me to come to the bridal suite to get ready after seeing that I’m not even wearing the BM outfit. Lol
To simplify it here: - asks me to be a BM - doesn’t even remotely acknowledge me or my presence or even that I’m her bridesmaid. - doesn’t invite me to her bridal shower or Bach - doesn’t involve me in anything
I don’t believe someone can be this oblivious.
The fact that this bothers me till today is heartbreaking to me because I wouldn’t have ever done this to her.
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September 2031
Tanya · on April 30, 2020 at 3:19 PM
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Yeah, that’s partially what happened at this wedding too. So as I mentioned I’m related to my cousin through my mom. We’re very close to “initiate family” or so my mom considers herself to be. But what a shocker- on the day of the reception (it was held the day after the wedding) a family Photoshoot was organized. I didn’t know about it all ! Neither did my mom, or sister and her husband. And apparently they were mad at us saying “don’t you know you should’ve been here for the Photoshoot” like what??

Honestly it was just a crappy wedding experience which left me feeling very crappy. Because I know that when it comes my to my wedding, I’d be courteous enough to ensure that everyone making an effort to attend my wedding is appreciated. I think it’s just so selfish to think of only yourself.
I’m right there with you sister.
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September 2031
Tanya · on April 30, 2020 at 3:20 PM
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Immediate family **
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Super December 2020
Anais · on April 30, 2020 at 3:25 PM
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Like I said, it was extremely rude to make you a bridesmaid and not invite you to the bachelorette and all the events. I just don't think that it was made better by you deciding not to wear the dress without letting her know in advance. She was probably taken by surprise and annoyed at you for that, hence the short "thank you" text.
I understand that you're super hurt, I would be too. I'm not sure why she would make you a bridesmaid and then make sure to keep you away from all events. I do agree with you that she couldn't have been oblivious to it all.
The only thing left to do at this point, if you care about your relationship which I think you do is to speak with her. Let her know how hurt you were and try to talk it out. Communication is the only way to get all your feelings out in the open, and hopefully she'll be respectful and will understand how much she hurt you.
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Bridesmaid not invited to bridal shower / bachelorette

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