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Beginner June 2019

Bridesmaid Texted a Few Days Before Destination Wedding She Couldnt Come

Cheryl, on August 2, 2019 at 5:50 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 18
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Hi everyone,
I'm starting this thread because I'm unsure about how to handle this situation. My husband and I had a destination wedding at the end of June. One of my bridesmaids I've known since middle school and lives in a different state sent me a text a couple days before the wedding saying she had a very high fever. She said if she didnt feel better the next day she couldnt get on her flight to the wedding. I was so busy already with everyone coming to the hotel and all the other tasks with a destination wedding that it kept leaving my mind then she would text again about how she would try to get a flight the following day. I knew that wouldnt happen. The situation reminded me of a time I went on vacation with her when she said she was too sick to go out and I instantly got the feeling she was faking it. I called my MOH about it. She told me she had talked to her about how she was feeling so bad that she would not be able to make it. Of course it upset me that she couldnt be there, but it bothered me more that I thought she was lying about being sick. I asked her to be my bridesmaid over a year before and I know she had her bridesmaids dress because she sent me a picture of her in it. When we met up with friends the night my bridesmaid texted she was sick I complained to my MOH and her husband. They made a good point that she is going through a divorce and recently moved out of her house to an apartment. She just began the 50 50 custody agreement between her and her ex husband for her son. My MOH and her husband suggested that she might be going through alot of emotional stress and didnt want to be away from her son. It made sense, except her exhusband was supposed to have their son at that time. Basically, I wasn't as upset with her anymore after thinking about her situation. I expected her to call me within a few days after the wedding to see how it was, but she didn't. Now it's a little over a month and she has still not called or texted me. The other thing I realized is that she called my MOH about her not being able to come to the wedding but not me! I only got some texts. I'm not sure what to do. I cant believe she hasn't contacted me and I'm hurt about it. I feel weird calling or texting her because if she acts like this why would I want her in my life. I also dont want to be so petty that I lose a friendship. I asked my friends what to do but all they say is that it's bogus she hasn't contacted me. I really wish i didnt ask her to be a part of our wedding.

18 Comments

Latest activity by Vicky, on August 4, 2019 at 10:45 PM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    While I can understand being upset that she didn’t reach out after the wedding, you do realize you’re doing the same thing to her while she’s also going through one of the biggest life changes she’ll ever face? You either want to continue your friendship with her or not, but I don’t think it’s ok to lay all the blame on her in this situation.
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  • Jessica
    Master September 2020
    Jessica ·
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    I understand you’re upset and I agree with your MOH that it might have been emotional rather than just physical illness. Trying to think about it from her perspective, maybe she felt she would bring you down and/or is having a hard time seeing you so happy just getting married and her marriage just ended. It’s a huge bummer she couldn’t/didn’t come and I understand how hurt you feel, but if you’re interested in continuing this friendship you may have to reach out to her and offer some empathy. If my friend got divorced and just started 50/50 custody of her kid I’d be calling to see how she was doing. I get you had a lot going on with the wedding, but we all have a lot going on in our lives and friendship is a two way street. Maybe she’s feeling guilty or afraid you’re upset or angry, you’ll never know unless you call her. It’s easy for us to point out from an outside perspective, I know first hand how emotions can prevent us from seeing things so I’m totally not judging you, just trying to provide another perspective!
    I hope you had a fabulous wedding still! Best wishes!
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  • C
    Super December 2021
    Casey ·
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    I agree with PP. She might be feeling guilty, embarrassed, or worried/afraid you're upset/mad (which you admitted you were and are again.) I also agree that friendship is a 2 way street and you can't be mad she isn't reaching out while also not reaching out. If you had contacted her and not heard back I would understand but that isn't the situation.
    She may also be feeling really depressed/down with everything going on which can cause people to withdraw from others OR she may not want to taint your happy honeymoon time by bringing up her stuff to you. I know if my friend got married and I couldn't go for some reason I'd feel so awful and embarrassed and unsure what to say- especially if it was due to my mental health. I also would feel bad reaching out to talk when all I'd have going on is "depressing" and it's only been a month later and I would feel you're still in a honeymoon type feeling/phase. I imagine this could be happening with your friend.
    I'd suggest reaching out to ask how she is. You said she's been going through all this (and since she was a BM I imagine you're a close friend) for at least a month and it sounds like you haven't once reached out to ask how she is, how the custody battle is going, if she needs support...
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  • Heather
    Expert October 2019
    Heather ·
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    I mean, you didn’t contact her either, sooo...
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  • C
    Beginner June 2019
    Cheryl ·
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    Thanks everyone for your advice. I was definitely looking for a different perspective. I want to make it clear though that I have been there for her and have talked to her about the difficult time shes going through. I also texted her while I was on my honeymoon after the wedding to see how she was feeling. I was not upset at the time and it was clear from my text that I was not so a fear of me being angry wouldnt be the reason. One of my main problems is that she couldnt call me to tell me she couldnt come, but she called my MOH. I understand she might be embarressed or sad she couldnt make it but we are adults and should be able to speak and not text about this. I feel its comparable to a teenager breaking up with someone over text. I feel its bogus. Also, I ended up paying an extra $250 for her hair and make up because we were in a contract with her on it. I just feel the whole thing is inconsiderate despite what she is going through. Many people go through times of intense stress and emotions but still can send a text, call, or send a card especially when they were asked to be a part of a special moment in their friends lives. I will take your advice and call her though. It was very helpful, even though I still feel hurt about it.
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  • Florida Marlins
    Expert October 2017
    Florida Marlins ·
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    So......she said she was too ill to fly, went through a divorce (which I have done and they are all horrid, btw), has to used to being with her son 50% of the time, which again, is horrid and you are worried about $250 and your hurt feelings?

    "I feel weird calling or texting her because if she acts like this why would I want her in my life."

    Gotta be blunt: If I had a friend posting about this about me, I would not want her in my life either. Put a fork in the friendship, it is done.

    She probably called the MOH to avoid upsetting you or having you cry and or freak out.

    "it bothered me more that I thought she was lying about being sick." You were speculating - you don't really know if she was sick or not.

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  • C
    Beginner June 2019
    Cheryl ·
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    I feel like you're being pretty harsh about this. All I'm asking for is advice. Not critics. It's different when you're in the situation and not someone giving the advice, which is why I'm asking for it from other people. Since I heard it from her through text wouldnt she already know I would be upset because I was excited for her to be a part of my wedding? Wouldn't it be more respectful to make a phone call like she did with my MOH?
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  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
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    Please give your friend a little more compassion. Based on what you described, she's clearly going through a rough time

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  • needmorewine
    Expert May 2016
    needmorewine ·
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    She probably texted you instead of calling because she knew that she would be unable to deal with you being upset with her over the phone on top of everything else she is going through. It may not have been the ideal way to handle things, but it sounds like she's just trying to do the best she can right now just to get by.

    If she had shown up but had been unable to be all happy and joyful the whole time, would you have been upset with her as well?

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  • C
    Beginner June 2019
    Cheryl ·
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    I would not be upset at all. We would all be there for her.
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  • S
    Dedicated October 2019
    Stephanie ·
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    Perhaps she didn't call you to tell you she couldn't make it because she couldn't handle it. Divorce leaves some feeling like a failure and not being able to attend your wedding for whatever reason would just be another check in the failure/disappointment column. You are clearly upset, because you are letting your pride get in the way. Pick up the phone. Remember this was one very important day for you, YES!!! However, this is her life, she is gonna need all the support she can get. If you can't pick up the phone and talk to her than your friendship wasn't that important to you.
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  • H
    Devoted November 2019
    Heather ·
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    You never know what battles people are fighting behind the scenes. She might be embarrassed and ashamed regardless of the reason. Reach our like everything is fine and see how it plays out.
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  • C
    Beginner June 2019
    Cheryl ·
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    That's really really good advice and it makes me feel more comfortable calling her. Thank you!
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    She is probably embarrassed that after planning so long, she was sick, and very afraid to travel because her insurance would not cover her, she would have to pay upfront, money she does not have. With everything else going wrong in her life, she likely is perpetually just keeping her head above water, and depressed. And talking about a failing, not following up on long made plans, and the fact that lack of available money made the need for medical care elsewhere impossible, is also hard to talk about. I understand you missed her. But that is no reason to think badly of her. You k ew when you planned a destination wedding that it was more costly, and because it was multiple days, had more chances for problems. Just accept it. She missed your wedding. She told you at the time by text, so you were not left hanging. She doesn't owe you anything. She is the one out the money for her dress, and airline cancellation fees. So act like a friend. Hope she is feeling better. Commiserate with her about things at home. Tell her how the wedding was . Don't bring g up what is already finished business. You are not e titled to more .
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  • Naikesha
    Super September 2020
    Naikesha ·
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    Cheryl shocking I'm on your side. I understand what the ladies are saying but I understand your hurt feelings.

    The fact that you reached out to her on your honey moon already shows that you care about her and her well being. NO ONE I MEAN NO ONE can tell you that you shouldn't be hurt it's a natural feeling just as those who are defending her emotions. The only thing I can say is you decide if your friendship is important to you or not. If it is then I would set up a date with her on neutral grounds maybe over lunch and discuss what happen . Listen first and then be honest with her how you felt but once/if you agree to forgive her let it go and be there for each other.


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  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
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    I can understand why you’re hurt and angry. It was your big day, and you not only expected your friend to be there, but you clearly wanted her by your side. The whole situation sucks. We can all speculate about why she didn’t go and why she hasn’t called, but that really isn’t going to give you the truth. I’ve been through a divorce and have had to learn how to share time with my child. It’s the absolute worst. But it’s also not an excuse for being a crappy friend. She definitely should have communicated better with you about what’s going on in her life, but I know from experience how hard that can be and how you don’t want to feel like you’re ruining someone else’s happy wedding bubble with your miserable divorce drama. Clearly you still care about this friend because you’re still upset with her and wondering how to address things. I suggest you take the first step and contact her. Even just a text or email saying that you’re hurt and angry, but you’re also worried about her well-being. If things really are that bad in her life that it’s making her flake out on your friendship, you need to be there for her and also be honest about your feelings. Your wedding has passed, and I imagine your day was blissfully lovely and you are a happy newlywed. You can’t go back in time to change things, but you can do something about how your friendship will go from here on out.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    A phone call was unnecessary, no more information than you got in a text. Just assume she intended you get the information, and you did. Do not worry about MOH getting a phone call and you a text. As for your "suspicions" she might not really have been sick. First, it is rude to analyze her excuses to decide if they were real or good enough. Check with Miss Manners. Second, people going through very upsetting periods get sick, physically, very frequently. And third, if you show for a flight and appear unwell, a flight attendant or gate person can have you bounced from the flight. If international, they can refuse to let you leave the airport, and send you back. So it is wise for those not looking and feeling well not to travel. And kind to the other passengers sitting 22 inches away and breathing recirculated air in the plane. Because you thought her not sick once before, you jumped to the conclusion she therefore likely was not sick now. You have given little or no thought to what could have happened to her if she did feel and look sick, and tried to travel. If she had been turned back , would you have made up the cost if her wasted airfare? If she had been sick at your destination, out of area for her insurance, would you have shelled out cash for her medical treatment? Would you have wanted the extra costs, on top of wasted HMU costs, if she made every effort to come, but was sickly? Just act like a concerned friend. Or if you do not want to be one, end the friendship. But who got a text vs who got a phone call type stuff --- let it go.
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  • Vicky
    VIP January 2020
    Vicky ·
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    How is it any better that you haven't contacted her after she told you that she was too ill to fly, and you know she's going through a difficult emotional situation with an ongoing divorce, recent move, and new 50/50 custody situation (something a lot of people struggle with and find difficult to adjust to, if not outright traumatic)? Maybe she's upset at you for not reaching out.

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